So what do you do when you find evidence that you've been cheated on (at least once)?

What do you want to do about it?

@Syger, I’m so sorry. Is this the same girlfriend you posted a question about last month who you’re in a long distance relationship with?

I would still have to confront them. If they asked why I felt the need to snoop around I would say that “I am a person that follows my gut feeling and look that feeling was right”. You should not ignore this. I am really sorry that this as to happen to you, but here is a ((HUG)).

@PandoraBoxx Yes it is.

@chyna I want to confront her, but at the same time I don’t. Lots and lots of complications.

It was a bit over a month after we said we share feelings for each other according to the file date, but it was rather explicit sexual stuff- ending it with “if you read this, MSN GOGO” where I’m assuming it got far more hot and heavy.

The first time we ever did anything like that she swore up and down that she had never done anything of the sort before. Unfortunately I can’t recall if it was before or after this- not that it really changes much.

spike her drink with fertility pills, get her very pregnant then laugh at her and walk away. but thats just me, you may want to consider just waking away.

She already is.
If it’s mine or not I really have no way to know. Her stories about it haven’t really… I can’t think of the word but they just haven’t really add up.

I’m curious how one gets “very pregnant” though.

well, i would never actually do something like that, was just trying to give you a bit of a laugh. but the “very pregnant” thing is referring to the fertility pills. e.g. octomom.

I think talking to her is going to be your only recourse. Especially if she is pregnant and you aren’t sure you are the father. You will have to take a paternity test to make sure you are before she makes you pay child support. But of course, I’m getting ahead of the situation and the question at hand. You will have to tell her you know she cheated and how you know. It won’t be easy, but it is what it is.

Answer a question for yourself, If she has been having sex with even one other person, do you want to continue in a relationship with her?

If you do still want to, then ask yourself, why?

If you don’t have a compelling reason to want to stay in a committed relationship with her, then end it in as dignified and humane a way as possible, not to spare her feelings but to be able to hold your head high and avoid future regrets for your behaviour.

Find a new girl and find one that is not a long distance relationship. If you try and stay with her, in a long distance relationship, you are always going to be driving yourself crazy wondering just what the fuck she is doing.

The fact that it is long distance makes it a great deal easier to simply walk away from. Find somebody that doesn’t cause you to react with insecurity and doubt.

I should probably clarify the ‘evidence’ I have are screenshots from her in a game being cybered with- she was reacting positively to it.

I had gotten possession of them while I was there visiting and she said we weren’t working; she left her external HDD in my room and I copy her screenshot folder because she takes really amazing shots of various landscapes and such in the game. After she broke the news she was pregnant we became close again and seemed healthier than we had been the past few months. I’m not proud of doing it without her consent at the very least but what’s done is done.

cyber hobbit sex in the trollshaws is not cheating in my book. she could just be flirting and playing along knowing fully well she is just dealing with a creep in a game who has 0% chance of ever meeting her or doing anything with her.

consider the possibility that you are jealous and overreacting.

@poisonedantidote Being financially tied to someone you don’t want in your life is great revenge for cheating!~

@Likeradar well, it was only a joke. as for the financially tied to them thing, maybe its cause i live in europe and i move around a lot, but i would simply go live on the other side of the border where the silly court order has the same legitimacy as an old newspaper. $30 with easyjet and my problem is solved.

@poisonedantidote With all due respect, I hope everyone you ever want to have sex with reads this.

@Likeradar so you dont want to do it with me then? :P

Long distance relationships don’t really work out. You can’t keep an eye on them all the time. Just end if if she cheated on you.
I mean would you really want to stick to a cheater?

@Syger, The cleaner the break, the sooner the heal starts. My suggestion would be to stop contacting her altogether. Drop her from Facebook, MySpace, whatever. Don’t answer her e-mails, or texts. Make her call you, and when she does, then confront her. Not so much about the cheating, but about the dishonesty and poor communication. She’s entitled to end her relationship with you and go out with other people, but she should have done it in that order. Maybe she thought she was breaking up with you, based on your previous question, but she obviously did not do a good job of it.

You learn something from every relationship you have, and perhaps the take aways from this one are that long distance relationships rarely work. Two-way communication is the most important thing in any relationship; everyone needs to say exactly what they mean. And, no matter how much you want things to work out, you can’t will it to happen if the other person isn’t trying, too.

Confront her.

i will said the true….

@amybush Is that an actual sentence?

It’s not a pretty sight when I’m crossed like that. Usually, I’m so easy-going and flexible, but something like that would bring out the crazy bitch in me. I would confront her, and then go the hell off and kick her to the curb at the end.

What are these screen shots of and how do they indicate cheating? Is the cheating indicated by these screen shots real or virtual?

The only thing to do here is communicate. You’d have to be honest about how you came by the information (I hope it is as innocent as you say it is). Then tell her what your fears are and see if she can provide a reasonable explanation.

Long distance relationships are impossible because you are never around each other. If you start suspecting your partner of being with others, the seed of doubt is sown and it’s hard to see the relationship holding together.

Chatlogs in an MMO, her having multiple people cyber with her among them being them asking to call her all the time; talking about not giving her sex, just a lot of stuff that I don’t think would be acceptable to be partaking in (and encouraging) if one was in a relationship. (I had a lot of trouble wording this part, I’d be happy to clarify the best I could if requested)

Holy fuck looking further into that folder was an awful idea.

I would be confronting the shit out of her right now about this all but “she’s in the hospital” and I haven’t really been able to talk to her for 3 days now. When I l was she was she was very cold and unresponsive to me, but chat like nothing was up with others. She didn’t tell me much at all about what happened or why she was there; or why she was going back. Though the doctors apparently let her go home to do a raid then want her back after she was done (wut.) . I’m not even sure if I believe she’s at the hospital.
But then again I could be being a huge asshole and she really could be suffering with our daughter there. The least she could’ve done is at least respond to my texts and/or give me an update though, right? That’s not too much to ask is it? Do they let patients use cellphones if they’re staying overnight at one?

She always crabs at me for not telling her my insecurities then whenever I do she’d get angry and yell at me for them saying I worry too much or look into things too much. Aaaaaaag I wanna go outside and lay in the snow, curl up into a ball and die right now. :\

@Syger Ok, you need to calm down. I know, easier said than done. Unfortunately, this girl sounds exactly like my niece. My niece has claimed to be pregnant so many times that if she ever actually is, no one will belive her. She was diagnosed as bi-polar and other things that I’m not sure about. She has claimed to have multiple abortions, but only after not getting the attention she needed. This girl may not actually be in the hospital, just needing attention. Hospitals do let patients use cellphones and there is also a phone by each bed. I am afraid she is playing you. I know it is hard to trust or believe someone like me who is not there, but you need to step back and find out what the truth really is before you get sucked in any deeper. I don’t know what else to tell you to try to help. Just pm me if you want to talk.

She is pregnant, I’ve seen pictures from an ultrasound and one of a larger belly. Though she did refuse to take a full body picture of herself for me… and it wouldn’t be tough to edit the name/date on an ultrasound photo or two

I do need to calm down, and I’m kind of terrified at how calm I’ve been since seeing that; despite having some gut feeling about it for awhile now. I’m guessing it’s just my brain not being able to function properly.

Her parents don’t know she’s pregnant and I’m tempted to email her mom and just ask if she’s been in contact with them the past few days since they’re off on a business trip while she’s looking after the house. I don’t know what to do, I’m tempted to text her again but that might not get me a response at all, if I call- it’s midnight there but it’s more direct and more likely I’ll get a reply or she won’t answer cause she’s not at the hospital.

D: such overwhelming thoughts

This sounds so cheesy, but sleep on it tonight. Please, go to bed and sleep on it. Tomorrow is another day, and you may have the same feelings or have come up with something new while taking time away.

Once you are out of this, learn what to do and what not to do next time.

Just trying to go to sleep probably is the best action to take right now, you’re right.
Thank you all. If anyone still has any ideas about what I should do tomorrow please share them.
g’night.

@Syger
Have a good night’s sleep, and when you get up in the morning, go ahead and think about this stuff a bit. My advice for you might sound kind of harsh, because I know you’re having a tough time right now, but I don’t mean to be mean to you or hurt your feelings.

I’ve been reading through your posts in this thread, and the impression I get is that you are very jealous and insecure over this girl, but I haven’t seen you mention what you actually like about her that would make it worth being in this situation. It seems like you’re more worried about just having a girlfriend at any cost, maybe because you’re worried that you won’t be able to meet anyone else. What do you like about her? Anything? This relationship isn’t a good situation for you if it’s long distance and she avoids your calls. Those are signs that she has lost interest in you.

Whether you believe cybersex in an RPG is cheating or not, one of you should have ended the relationship a while ago because she isn’t interested in you anymore. She should have ended it once she realized that she didn’t want to talk to you and needed to turn to people in a game for an outlet. Sometimes people may not realize that they’re perpetuating a bad relationship- she might also be staying around just for the sake of having a boyfriend, or because she’s comfortable in the routine, or for any number of reasons. If she won’t end the relationship, you should. The more insecure, demanding, and jealous you act toward her, the more she will try to get away from you and flirt with other people, and vice versa. It’s better to be single than to be stuck in a crappy situation like this.

You are clearly obsessing about her. Did you get any sleep last night? Or were your thoughts going around and around in your head, making you feel more and more helpless and out of control, and thinking that the only thing you can do is to cut her off?

She is probably feeling smothered. She’s scared because it’s too intense. She wants to run away, and people usually use an addiction of one kind or another to run away. Addictions could be to drink or drugs or work or RPGs or sex or love. So she could be turning to others as a way to distance herself from her fears of being smothered.

At the same time as she is afraid of being smothered, she is probably also afraid of being abandoned. This is an unconscious fear, but it also can lead her back to you—but only after you actually have cut her off.

It’s an unhealthy, but typical pattern. It arises out of abandonment as children—for both parties. Childhood abandonment can be literal (a parent disappears), or more subtle—the parent is not available due to an addiction or workaholism or something else.

Reactions to this abandonment can go a couple of ways. One way is to desperately seek love, and particularly the high of falling in love. But then it falls apart because one believes one is essentially worthless, so who, in their right mind, would love me?

The other way is to seek out a very enmeshed love relationship, and then push it away because it is too dangerous. The love may abandon you yet again.

There are many variations on this pattern, but that’s kind of it in a nutshell—as far as I understand it.

What can you do about it? Therapy for one thing. Understanding the pattern and looking for opportunities to break it. On your side, learning how to not be so obsessed and on her side learning to trust more, and not run. You must try not to reach out ever more strongly the more she disappears.

These are long term things. At this moment, you are probably so anxious you can’t imagine pulling back. You absolutely need to know what is going on with her. You think you will die if she will never be in your arms any more. You want that high back—being totally in love with each other and unable to separate. Loving forever.

In the short run, focusing on cybersex will almost certainly guarantee an end to the relationship. If you understand that it is merely a symptom of something much deeper, perhaps you can get beyond that. But focusing on the transgressions just fuels the flames of passion. You need to douse that fire if you are to save the relationship. You can’t afford, I think, to spend any energy worrying about cybersex. It’s just a symbol of her pulling back.

To work on your relationship, contrary to the myth of love, you have to reduce the passion. This will allow you both to think straighter and to communicate more effectively. In the long run, that’s what will save the relationship. I wish you luck. I’m like you. I am addicted to love and passion. I need to pull back, too, or I’ll destroy everything I value in life.

I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your? baby.