How can I talk to my mother about getting a mental evaluation?

I would not do this alone. have at least two other family members present, when this discussion is brought up to her. people tend to listen to a group of people, rather than just one person, like the saying goes, there is safety in numbers. your mother will more than likely listen to several family members suggestions, rathen than just yours.

If, as you say, you are not alone in this thinking, maybe you could arrange an intervention. Get the people who love her and are concerned about her together and gently tell her your point of view. She can’t kill all of you, probably.

I’ve had some experience with a relative. It was much easier to convince this person to go for help when they were in the downswing part of the cycle than the up or manic phase. You might consider your timing.

Agree with @john65pennington, and if you and/or your mother has a doctor you like and trust, get him to the mix as well.

I agree with @janbb.

I also agree that having multiple people there would be helpful.

I would not make a presumed diagnosis. I would simply say that talking to her doctor (who I would enlist ahead of time) about getting some help would be beneficial.

if you can talk to her about an evaluation than you can talk to her about moderating her moods. I don’t know about @stump‘s idea as it sounds like it could shade into bullying and coercion. compared to the alternative of using psychiatry, it sounds like not such a bad idea. though, as I said, only in comparison.

@ultimatecaptain Your reply is out of line and very, very unhelpful.

@marinelife it’s a troll saw some of the other answers

another idea, @uberbatman, maybe you want to remove yourself from her to reduce your own level of stress. this, in itself, should send a message. actions speak louder than words and all that.

any unhelpful replies, just flag them.

I, too, would suggest the intervention model. I also agree with the timing thing… either on the low end or at least a neutral period. Good luck!

Layperson’s response here, but what if you took an approach such as “Do you ever worry about the way you’re feeling and wish you could control it better?” This worked well with my father when he reached a transitional stage. It can be hard to go from a model of subordinate child to caregiving child.

A lot of people think their parents are crazy…until they become parents too.

Some things to add. My mother is at odds with our entire family. She thinks they are all against her when really its her against them. So i dont know how well that would go over when she dislikes them all anyway. I have a younger sister who lives with me as well as a brother who is 10. My brother is home every other weekend do to visitations. On the weeks when he is not home, neither is my mother so as far as removing myself from the situation well thats kind of pointless since she is never home anyway. In the time she is home its either peachy fucking creamy i love the world or get the fuck out of my way or ill kill you where you stand. Timing it appropriately will be near impossible as she can be the nicest person in the world and then out of absolutely nowhere she switches. I feel the mention of such a thing would definitely flip that switch.

galileogirl this is different, believe me, i have plenty of supporting evidence as well as complete outsiders agreeing with my POV.

Listen, if she is bipolar or just as likely on drugs she is not going to listen to you. If she was capable of reason this situation would never have arisen. The bipolar person is often miserable and they tend to self medicate. They have to reach a place in their lives where they are without support and at rock bottom. You actually can get out of the situation. Where is the father(s). Where are the adult relatives? You said others in the family agree, where are they? At the very least, you could talk to someone at school. Teachers and counselrs are mandated reporters and if your mother is leaving minor children on their own, that is neglect.

If she really is as bad as you say, you are enabling her. Addicts and the mentally ill are not able to maintain without support. You are in no position to provide effective support. Let go and let her crash, that is the only way you can get her evaluated

@galileogirl: Listen, if she is bipolar or just as likely on drugs she is not going to listen to you.

you don’t know the person (or the people). you can’t know this with absolute certainty.

in the situation presented, though, no option sounds all grand.

@uberbatman: Timing it appropriately will be near impossible as she can be the nicest person in the world and then out of absolutely nowhere she switches. I feel the mention of such a thing would definitely flip that switch.

from what you said, anything you do (collectively or individually) to address the problem will flip her switch. so it comes down what do in advance of that happening.

You don’t know me but having lived with a diagnosed bipolar, self-medicating, paranoid parent I do know more than you. She was able to carry on during years of illness because of the support of her family. Finally the problems became so great that the family was almost destroyed. Luckily we got out of it intact although my youngest sibling probably carries the family illness (at least 4th generation) When my mother got too sick we tried to force her into treatment. She had become well known to the police in her 60’s-that will probably happen to your mother too. With their help we got her committed but a clueless family member answered her medicated call and got her released.

After that she stopped taking care of herself, doctor shopped and started making harassing and threatening phone calls we tried to get privately paid social workers to see her, adult protective services wouldn’t even try. She wouldn’t let anybody in. Finally she was on the verge of eviction by her condo complex for being a public nuisance when she fell while prowling around in the middle of the night and broke her hip. She spent the last 5 years of her life in care.

The sad truth is under current laws, you can’t make anyone accept treatment for mental illness.

Hi there,
I suggest an long-term approach, that can reconstruct the relationships in the family and help her understand she needs help:
I suggest, that since the situation for your mother’s interpertation is that everyone has gathered against her, nothing you say at this point will help. If it is possible, you best leave her alone for a while, let her be, try to contain the upps and downs andf accept her as she is. This will reconstruct her faith in you that you are on her side. We all heal better when we feel we are loved for who we are, and when oppossed, we shut down our gates.
Once you are her family again, she will no lonegr be able to hang the blame for her emotional crashes in you, she might realise she has a problem, or then you can help her.
The approach that couls work then, is like “jeruba” suggested: asking questions.
Probably best not to “remind her of back then when her behavior was critisised”, but be suttle and ask leading questions:
“are you happy with the way things are, mom?”, “do you sometimes feel this is not good for you?”, “what do you think is wrong?”, “what do you think will do you good?” “if there was something that could help you would you try it?”, “do you want me to help you?”, get her to talk about things, help her bring up to her concious mind that she has a problem, she knows after all, inside herself she does. Inside herself she also knows exactly what to do and if you were smart in picking the questions, you will get it out of her.
In Life-coaching, they teach that the secret in asking questions is to come from love, to accept the person, and to really want to know the answer.
Good Luck in any way you choose!

@Marva People who are seriously mentally ill don’t need a reason for their blaming and they are certainly not open to life coaching.

I am sure you are right. I simply suggest a diffrent human approach between family members, not life coaching.

@galileogirl: The sad truth is under current laws, you can’t make anyone accept treatment for mental illness.

though I won’t say exactly how, because I don’t want anyone to take notes and implement the knowledge against some poor person, you can, in fact, force people to accept psychiatric intervention against their will. they have now specific programs designed to keep watch on people to make sure that they comply with “treatment plans”.

in a way, though, you speak the truth. you can’t force anyone to accept psychiatric intervention.

true, honest, unfeigned leveling can perhaps get you somewhere. you have to strip away the layers of deceit and manipulation and dishonesty, though, in yourself, before you begin.

my family would not speak to my mother about some destructive habits that she has that alienate all of us. they assumed that she wouldn’t listen, why bother?, etc. I took it upon myself to do it. now, I got part of the way through. I don’t trust psychiatry. I don’t trust the shrinks. no one else offered to help so I took it up on myself.

(your mother as described, by the way, sounds a bit like mine, though she has gotten better. in her heyday she accused me of starting a house fire on purpose—I didn’t know this until last year—, and had me locked up in a mental institution twice. both times scarred me severely and I haven’t gotten over those experiences.)

both of us have a personal stake and strong beliefs about this matter, you because of your past and me because of mine. still, your situation does not apply completely to another person’s situation. you don’t have the same mother as the original poster.

@galileogirl im sorry but after reading what you wrote about your mother, why exactly is it that i would want to take this path? There really is no where for me to reasonably go. Sure i suppose i could move in with my father or grandparent but that would mean sleeping on a couch, leaving my possessions and animals behind to die and so on. Oh joy sounds like a blast. As i said before she is never really home anyway, except for if my younger brother is home. There really is no way to remove all support, she has a boyfriend that she spends her time that shes not her with sooo unless i can somehow manage to tell him to stop caring for her that isnt going to happen either.

and no, my mother isnt on drugs, she stands very firmly against such things as i said above as well.

The previous poster who mentioned the fact that school teachers, guidance counselors, etc. are mandated reporters is quite correct. You may want to do some additional research or anonymous inquiries to someone in another school system (not involved with your brother) to ascertain the precise parameters of what this entails on a practical level.

This would be important info to have before considering going down this road because once you do, it’s out of your hands.

It’s true that YOU can’t force a mentally I’ll person to accept help they don’t want. But there are others in positions of authority who are charged with the responsibility of looking out for childrens welfare who can do that.

To involve outside folks in your family dynamics is a difficult decision to make and my heart goes out to you. But for the sake of your young brother and yourself, this may be the only viable option for you.

I grew up with a mother who was both mentally I’ll and an alcoholic and as a result, I grew up faster than any child should have to. I’m guessing that has been your experience as well.

But there is only so much you can do. Even tho you have most likely had to act more like a parent to both her and your younger brother, the unfortunate fact is that you lack the authority to accompany it. That is tremendously frustrating as I can well identify with.

But short of involving other caring folks who do have the authority, I really don’t see any other solution for you and your brother.

I understand that other members of your family are affected as well, but they are adults and capable of taking care of themselves. Children have no control and no other options. I think you should seriously consider finding an understanding teacher or guidance counselor in whom to confide.

I can’t say for certain that this would be a perfect solution, but it seems far better than the current chaos. Kids shouldn’t have to live in chaos.

At least give this idea some thoughtful consideration as I honestly don’t see any other solution.

im 21 so that kind of shoots the school guidance counselor idea down.(though i suppose i could always go to the school and talk to my brothers) Thank you though for your kind words and suggestions. I dont really fear for my younger brothers well being though as he is the only one she really seems to care about right now and doesnt ever yell at him. Its me and my 17 year old sister that catches the shit when she’s around.

Actually, I did mean the authorities at your brother ( or even possibly sister’s) school.

I was assuming that you were most likely late high school or probably college age as you are quite mature.

I don’t know enough about all the details of this situation to know how it would be regarded by those at your brothers school.

However, I do know one thing for certain. Whether it’s apparent on a surface level or not, he is being affected severely by this just as your sister and you have been.

It would be impossible for him not to be. Living with a mentally I’ll or addict parent are similar in one important regard. Life is absolute chaos and leaves one almost constantly on edge waiting for “the other shoe to drop”.

While it may be true that she may not be yelling at him as much, it’s not as if he spends his days in halcyon bliss. Far from it. He’s certainly old enough to realize that something is “off” even tho he may lack the precise vocabulary to express it as you have done.

This is one of those unfortunate situations where there is no cookie cutter answer.

Perhaps you could get some helpful suggestions from a support group for families of those dealing with mental illness. They may be aware of resources that are specific for this. If nothing else, you and your sister can find others who have walked in your shoes.

I’m going to PM you a specific suggestion for your area.

@uberbatman It’s not your path to take. People who have not committed a crime cannot be forced into treatment or to follow a treatment plan no matter what @Ria777 says. Of course family could lie but that is never the answer.

Your path should include protecting your siblings. And your mother’s behavior can’t be too bad if sleeping on a sofa is worse.

@galileogirl and the letting of all my fish die part? Please just do me a favor and leave this question, you really arent helping in the slightest, actually quite the opposite.

If you believe your mother’s mental health problems put her or others at risk, you always have the option of compelling her to accept medical assessment and treatment.

@Jeruba suggestion is a good preliminary approach. It may lead to the desired result without much confrontation.

Failing that, you need to get the assistance of a skilled clinical or family systems professional in supporting your intervention. An attorney may be required as well.

It is not going to be easy, but you owe her best care and respect you can provide. It will be a delicate balancing act. That is why it should not be handled by one person alone.

Wake up kiddo. you can’t ‘fix’ other people. Your answer indicates that your mental and emotional well being has been affected. Why else would you be so upset that you are spewing obscenities and name calling. That anger is awfully close to the surface, kind of like your mother who can just flip from reason to anger. right?

Im upset because you think you know EVERYTHING. Listen, you dont. You are telling me to run away from my problems. I dont see the problem with using cursing in my vernacular, sorry its just who i am. As i said above, if i do that chances are my mother could end up like your very sad story about your mom that you all clearly abandoned. Im sorry but i care a bit more than you, just as i care for the life of all living things (why i wont abandon my fish)

Im sorry, but she is my mother, i want to help her, not just leave her to crash and burn. I have more compassion than that. Compassion…thats a funny word, maybe something you should look into some time.

[mod says] Flame off, folks. Let’s get back to answering the actual question.

Well unfortunatly me and my mother still havent talked as she hasnt really been home. This week coming up is the week my brother is home, so she will be around. Last sunday the family kind of tried for an intervention but she blew us all off and left.

But alas time to throw another screw ball into this equation. I just found out from my father that years ago my mother was diagnosed manic depressive. She pretty much told the doctor to piss off and stopped going. Now knowing that she definitely 100% has this issue, and how strongly she stands against believing it, is there really anything I can do?

Oh, goodness. That does complicate things. I think the best approach would be, as someone mentioned up there ^^, to talk with her about whether she is happy with the way things are. Does she understand the negative impact on her relationships? Does she face negative consequences? Helping her explore those issues, rather than focusing on the bi-polar aspect might get her to see that she could use a hand getting things under control. Good luck, uber! <3

And my best wishes for you too. It’s hard to face what you are going through; keep us posted.

You could tell her that there have been major treatment advances in trating bi-polar disorder, and ask her to consider seeing a doctor.