He hasnt said he loves me, yet wants to move in together. HELP!

I don’t know why he isn’t saying it.I know that I would not let him move in with me.

Based on that other relationship where he did say it pretty quickly being a disaster; he might be afraid to say it out of fear that things could go sour somehow. You should try to talk him out of moving in so soon, but consider it some more and let him know exactly how you feel about the situation. Communication is always key :)

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I didn’t bring my current husband around my kids until I knew we were going to get married. We did move in together, (Turned out to end up causing unnecessary stress too but that’s another story..)
If this doesn’t work out, how will you feel in 10–20 years having brought several “father figures,” into your childs life?
I wouldn’t do it, but then again, I’m old.

agreed with @Chongalicious…perhaps he is just being cautious since his last relationship ended up being a trainwreck and since he told her he loved her way too quickly, he figures if he does the same with you things will go south quickly. do you say “i love you” to him? what does he say?

Oh sorry, I didn’t clarify on the time I did it before. It was my son’s father. This would be our first time living with someone other than him. My son doesn’t even remember it, so this is really his first stable male figure in his life.

Just be patient. The way a man treat each girl(couple) would be different/vary from one to another. If you wants to make him say that faster then you must try to impress him even harder. Love doesn’t have to be just a word/words,but by good intention through action.

It is your place. The fact that it makes it more convenient for his work SHOULD be irrelevant to you and your child.

If you are uncomfortable with this, it’s still your place. Why would you compromise your instincts? Why would you do this to yourself? Just to make his ride to work easier?

If not for your own sake, then think about your child. If you are not comfortable living with someone until after marriage, then why abandon that principle? Are you afraid that he will break up with you if you don’t cave, wouldn’t you rather know this sooner than later.

Stick to your principles. Don’t be afraid to have a backbone. Your child needs a Mother with a backbone who is looking out for his best interests.

To Deni: I don’t say I love him. Twice I’ve told him I’ve loved him for a long time, but I have never flat out said it.

To Buttonstc: No, I don’t think he will break up with me if I don’t let him. I encouraged this originally a few months ago because he needed a job. About a month ago, we had another opportunity to live together, I brought it up out of convenience, he said it was too soon. I agreed and declined the offer. Since then apparently he’s thought about it and loves the idea, and I’ve thought about it and am not so keen on it.

I keep flipping the economy card over & over in my head. We think this is it for both of us, the opportunity is there, why not snatch it up & let Fate happen.

Then again the logical side of me is throwing out the “What Ifs”...that’s why I ask for advice & maybe some personal experiences!

Thanks everyone!

I think you should not let him move in under these circumstances. Or let him have a room in your house, but not live together as conjugal roommates.

You need to wait until he is ready to make a firm commitment to you and your child. As long as he is still figuring out where you and your child fit in his life, he should not be moving in with you to save time, gas or inconvenience.

Don’t do it, especially if the last time it was convenient for you, and this time it’s convenient for him.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. I don’t know how many times I heard some guy I know tell some girl “I love you”, to most they were just words or the magic words to get her naked on her back. It is not so much as if he says it or not many over use the word when the feelings and actions are silent it is how it is manifested.

“Maybe I’m old fashioned, but shouldn’t love come before living together?” Well you are not that old fashioned if you are wiling to saddle up with him and play house without any wedding. So, I assume you are also being intimate as well also not that old fashioned.

Maybe his “I love yous” do not flow off his lips like water because he said it with the last gal he loved or was falling in love with and it imploded in less than 6 months, so no he is a little gun shy. If he acts, carries on an appears my heart felt action that he would go hungry to see you fed, go cold that you would be warm, get bitten so you’d suffer no injuries, in short if he would want your yesterdays not be as good as your today and that your today look like crap against tomorrow and will seek to do that without any guarantee of a pay back, it maybe love. If you feel the same way back even if he he never showed he deeply loved you then it is true love on your part.

“Except when you want to live together, especially when I already feel that you should wait until marriage for that.” There is your gut feeling with is quite logical. Wait until he feels at least committed enough to “put a ring in it”. You have to think of the long game, to move in together before all the little things are hashed out can be more stressful and damaging you your union than you can imagine.

While he may be a good man, you should wait for the sake of your child. Four months is just too early, especially since he hasn’t expressed his love verbally and seems to want to move in because it’s convenient.. And whatever you do, DON’T use this as leverage to hear the three magic words you want to hear.

Don’t move in with him until he does say it. It doesn’t make any sense.

A friend of mine is in this predicament. Her b/f shows her love in every way except saying those words. He was traumatized in a previous relationship where his trust was outrageously betrayed, For them, it’s been 2½ years together in domestic harmony, but he still can’t say the words. Time may heal his wounds and let him say it.

I don’t know how to advise you on the domestic setup.My wife and I lived together, in separate bedrooms, for 4½ years before becoming engaged and conjugalizing the arrangement. There were no children to consider in our case however.

@JonnieGirl74 I think your instincts are triggered. – You are moved to ask us sorta strangers.

This is extremely valuable in terms of hint. It is bothering you majorly.

The “communication” point above is dead on.

I am looking up at 5 pages worth of text that could be replaced by 3 words…

“Do you love me?”

I recognize the issues with his prior relationship. As he plans on invading your personal space in a major way, you are entitled to discuss the impact it will have on you and him and your relationship. If you are in a casual “friend with benefits” relationship – then the proximity could ruin your relationship/friendship without some understanding and “ground rules”. If he is dead serious about latching onto you like a tick, then ye haw!

I can think of many, many other reasons to want to talk, out loud before he moves in.

In my mind I can see a couple, wordlessly dancing, around the issue on their mind, like 2 teenagers too nervous to break the ice and kiss. An older couple, resentful, and too hostile to reconcile, sitting angrily in the restaurant.

Silence is the spice of passion, but it can be the poison of resolution.

You both hopefully can gently, and non-threateningly work through this. It’s being avoided. Try if you can not to move to If you move in with me, then.. or I’m not going to if. Pursue gentle directness, for the better of both of you. He doesn’t want to get in a situation where he has to move right back out.

Instead, if it was meant to be, it’s real, real important to lay ground work. And you’ll work through this. Good practice if you ask me. Wait till you need a marriage counselor.

He’s moving in with you because of a job. Is that not a red flag for you?

If you ask me that just means that he truely loves you. I understand it is difficult from your point of view when he does not say it, but the things that he does for you and the relationship is his way of saying he loves you. He feels he does not need to say it because he would rather “walk the walk” rather than “talk the talk” sort of speak.

You say that he said “I love you” to his ex. Well if you ask me it sounds like your bf is in a similar boat as me. He told his ex he loved her to keep the relationship alive. It almost sounds like his ex pushed it out of him and I am certain trust issues were to faulter.

The fact is he truly loves you and maybe he is waiting for the right moment to say it because the last time he thought he knew, it wasn’t right. From his perspective, he does not want to say it simply because he knows he does and saying it costed him a lot last time (break-up, etc.)

I had an ex gf who i said i love you to and things did not work out well at all towards the end. I now have a gf whom i have been with for over 1 year and a half. I have never said I love you. Your relationship with your bf reminds me exactly of the relationship i currently have.

Once again, I know it may be weird to you to not actually hear those three words and maybe it would be nice once in a while. But, look at this from his perspective. He got hurt the last time he said it and although he may certainly love you, he chooses to love you by showing you rather than simply saying it. Saying it can only go so far, and he learned that from his past relationship. He now knows what love is, so he is just going with it. And maybe someday he will say he loves you when he feels it is right.

I hope you understand this because by the way you wrote this question and the details reminds me so much of myself and if I were to talk with him I am certain he would completely agree with me

Ooooh, yeah, 4 months is too soon. Let me tell you from the kid’s side, it was weird when it seemed like (to me) my guardian had known some guy for a while only to have him move in within a few months of the relationship starting. And then he’d realize that he’d walked into a family, not a playmate house, so got spooked and took off. That wasn’t cool at all for any of us.

I’d not let this guy move in. There’s ‘close’, there’s ‘boyfriend’ and there’s ‘moving in’. Each a different stage with different feelings and realizations – and commitments – attached to them.

Let him get over being gun-shy from making a deeper commitment to you, and let him make that commitment; I don’t mean marriage necessarily, but he’s not made any commitment to you, and I think this is the crux of the issue.

You ask “Why not snatch it up and let fate happen?”

The obvious answer is because you are no longer a single unemcumbered young lady looking for adventure. You are, more importantly, a Mother. THIS is your primary responsibility now. I think it’s your Mothers instinct that has you hesitating about this. It’s your decision whether to listen to it or not.

The consequences of letting “fate” just happen don’t just fall upon you. These consequences fall upon your son as well regardless of whether you think they do or not. The reality is that if this ends up as a giant mistake your son suffers as well.

You can choose to make excuses to keep yourself oblivious to this but it won’t change reality.

What harm is there in listening to your instinct and waiting until you two are married?

If you’re in love now and it’s meant to be then waiting a year or more won’t change that.

The reason he hasn’t said he loves you is pretty simple. If he were sure that you were the only one for him, the one whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with and grow old together with, don’t you think he would want to let you know that?

Obviously he isn’t sure yet. You may be but he isn’t and you can’t make him be.

I have the sinking feeling that in spite of the caution that most of us are urging, you’ll just go ahead and let ” fate” take over.

I think fate is just being used as a handy excuse for ignoring your instincts. In the majority of life our fate is in our own hands by the decisions we make ( or fail to make).

You have it within your power to stop the too fast forward momentum of this moving in together situation. Your fate is in your hands. And also the fate of your son.

For his sake, I hope you choose to wait until the two of you have a firm life plan in place and are on the same page.

You are all wrapped up in your need to hear him say three words as if that’s a magic wand or something. You really need to stop trying to live in a fairy tale and magic thinking.

I actually applaud him for being honest with you and himself and not saying it until he is sure. But moving in together is not a realistic substitute either.

Why not just wait and let time prove out the situation for your son’s sake? If it’s truly meant for you two to be together long term in marriage, then it will still be true a year or two from now.

You already went against your deepest instinct and beliefs about not living together before marriage once and it proved to be a disaster ( in your own words). Why would you choose to make the same mistake twice?

If this one doesn’t work out, how many more men do you want traipsing in and out of your son’s life?

Why not exercise a little caution and put the brakes on this time around? If both of you are truly in love with each other, time shouldn’t do any harm and will allow you both the time to get to know each other and really hash out the details of your future life together.

I’m not exactly sure what you mean about flipping the economy card over in your head. I’m assuming you’re meaning that obviously it saves money for the two of you to be living in one place.

But is any amount of money saved going to be worth the potential heartbreak and upheaval if moving too quickly again results in another disaster. How do you measure the emotional cost of being too hasty. Can you place a dollar amount on what would make up for your son’s heartbreak as well as your own?

These are just some very important things to weigh carefully, especially in light of your past experience and current vulnerability. I realize that the idea of having someone in your life to ease that burden is very appealing. But if it ends up another disaster from not looking long enough before leaping, is that worth it ?

Well you asked for opinions and you’re getting them but the decision is yours alone. I do feel that placing so much importance on saying three words really misses the point completely. Trying to pressure him into it makes no sense really. If it isn’t yet his reality you can’t force it to be so.

Waiting until there is a firm marriage plan in place is a lot wiser than trying to force something. You have it within you power to create a better “fate” than the last situation you were in.

I hope you exercise the wisdom to listen to your more cautious instincts this time around. But in the end, the decision is totally yours. We can just be voices on the Internet. I wish the best for you and your son.

@April

GA I was typing while you posted and just read your comment.

I think it’s important to get the child’s viewpoint. Especially from someone who has been there as a child themselves.

Good for you for reminding us all the degree to which kids are affected by decisions from adults who seem to assume that they aren’t affected or that it’s irrelevant. It certainly is not.

Kids live what they learn.

I live with my boyfriend and have been with him for 2 and a half years, and he has never said it. But I know he has never said it to anyone.

Is he a good man you feel you would be happy living with, and someone you could wish your child grows up to be like?

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but to me that sounds more important than whether he is ready to say some particular three words yet.

Wow thank you everyone for your responses!!

Just to update:

(A little background) – Previously I had brought up the issue that my living situation is PERFECT for myself and my son, and if this job doesnt work out he can always move out, while it will be extremely hard for my son and I to find anything this good and well suited for our lifestyle.

Last night while making dinner he made a comment about how fast everything is moving with the job. I chimed in with how fast it’s also going with us living together also, and while I am excited, I am scared shitless at the same time.

I (tried to) casually mention how we havent even said I love you yet, and we’ll be living together. And I dont really know how these things normally work, but I just assumed those things happened first.

I turned back around to stir the food, and I heard him say “I do” after a little bit of silence. I didnt get it so I said “You do what?” and he just said I do again. I asked okay…but you do what??? and he says “you know….I do.” so I just said “oh…” and turned around and continued to stir. Then I realized I hadnt said anything back and I said I do too, but you already knew that. Turns out he DIDN’T know that. And at one point I asked how I was supposed to know if he’s never told me.

That was the end of that conversation.

(Another side note: I’ve gotten the feeling that he has been more freaked out about starting this new job, rather than us living together. That us living together didn’t phase him at all, even though he’s never lived anywhere but a dorm room and his parents house his whole life.)

Later he comes in to the bedroom where I was reading, and starts talking. He says that he might just commute everyday and stay with us a few days a week like he has been the past 7 months. He said that he wouldn’t want to compromise our living situation since it is so perfect for us. Referred to how he can just leave if things go sour, and we will have a hard time finding someplace else if we leave our apartment. He doesn’t want us to go through that.

Another idea was that once he’s established there (which is actually the company I work for as well), with his paychecks he can save up money for a down payment on a bigger place for all of us.

So to answer questions -

Janka: Yes he is a good man and I would be happy living with him. He is DEFINITELY someone I wish my son could grow up to be like.

Buttonstc: I absolutely agree that kids live what they learn. I had a single mother who had a long time boyfriend that we used to spend weekends with until he moved in with us when we were teenagers. We did love him and I believe he loved us but took a long time to warm up to us. It sounds bad, but I always wished that if I remarried I would want that man to want to be my son’s father. Having such a detached “step father” (he was there from the time I was 4) made me realize that.

p.s. I’m an incredibly impatient and impulsive person, as well as a hopeless believer in Fate – as you can tell. I’m working on controlling those aspects of myself, for my son. Hopefully you can tell that part too!

mass pike4: I really believe you. And you DO sound just like my boyfriend. But unfortunately I can’t relate to the way you both feel, wanting to silently show you care. I wish I did. This sounds like one of those “You just have to trust it” things. Thank you for your comment and showing a different side of the situation that I can’t seem to see.

nikipedia: He’s not just moving in BECAUSE of the job. We both wanted to – someday in the near future -, and the opportunity arose a lot more soon than we anticipated. But yes, red flag. I imagined it more planned and organized – and not so soon!

DrMC: The beginning of this comment was geared towards things you had mentioned. Thank you for your insight!

Also, I’d like to say that it’s not that I want to hear those words SO BAD (it would be nice…but not necessary), I just always thought that was the natural order of things. You meet, you get to know eachother, decide to commit to one another, fall in love and express it (I thought verbally? apparently that’s not the norm anymore), make plans for your (lawful/spiritual) future together, seal the deal, and start your life together (moving in being the first step).

Of course I came to those above conclusions AFTER getting pregnant at 20 by my first serious long term boyfriend from a horrible relationship. My mind may be a bit warped and might twist the things “really” happen. ???? Not sure.

Thank you to everyone again!

@JonnieGirl74 Are you at least in separate bedrooms?

@JonnieGirl74 sounds like progress, and it does sound like that breaking the ice issue. Definitely you guys would benefit from balanced communication. (interpersonal communication by itself runs out of gas), slowly over time communicating more and more, with increasing trust will bring a new type of relationship for you both.

Communicate instead about life as it evolves, and your feelings as the need arises. Not communicating can let things build up in a negative way, as might have happened. In this example you had a screaming need (not of love but of clarification).

By the way, well done, you kept it from devolving into a confrontation or manipulation.

It would be a shame to ruin what you both have worked for by rushing it. It sounds like he is sensitive to this, and doesn’t want to blow it either. I can also see being definitely absorbed by a new job myself.

BTW if you think that was hard, try doing it with someone from another culture, language. ; )

Good luck to both of you.

Don’t let your impatience cause you to settle for less than you want, need and deserve. If he is not ready to make a long term commitment to you, your son and your relationship, then it does not seem that “fate” does not favour your life together as a couple and family right now.

He says “When he feels it in his heart, he will say it and mean it 100%”

So there is your answer. He doesn’t feel it so he isn’t saying it.

Everything else (housekeeping services, decency to your kids) is just whipped cream on top of that not so sweet truth.

Sad thing is he will have told you this upfront but you are choosing not to hear it for what it is.

Don’t move in together would be my advice…you are settling…and sadly he may be as well.

Personally, I that this is an opportunity not to be squandered. You have a chance to find out how life would be if you actually were married, It might be bliss, or you might find yourself wanting to strangle him.It would be less traumatic to find out that you can’t live together,(for one reason or another) before you have made a “lifelong” commitment, than it would be months later in a doomed marriage. On the other hand this could confirm that you are a match made in heaven – (I geuss it’s all academic now anyway)