Social Question

Just_Justine's avatar

I think I have lost my sex appeal how can I get it back?

Asked by Just_Justine (6486points) February 5th, 2010

I’ve had a harrowing few years and somewhere along the line I lost “it”. I look in the mirror and I just see a blob. Things have improved in my life dramatically, but being 47 and thrown into an office of young gorgeous women and men hasn’t helped. I used to work out, wear great underwear, love perfume, and felt sexy. I know you have to feel it to be it. How can I feel it? I went on medication for a while that blew me up. So I have stopped it. However I don’t want to emphasis the external in this question like “Go work out” because I am simply too exhausted and not in that head space. People tell me I am gorgeous all the time and sexy but I think they are just being kind? I know something has to click in me again. To get it back. But what? About a year and a half ago I had loads of guys after me. Flattering me, courting me, I had a lover too. Now the landscape is like a desert with not even a tumble weed blowing past. I can’t compete with women who have had plastic surgery (at work) and big money to get things done to look hotter. Besides I never relied on that before. Did my glamorous colleagues cause this? Something has to change else I will land up like a dried up old spinster. But it has to change in my head. Help!

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49 Answers

CMaz's avatar

wear great underwear? lol

Oh, I have to see where this is going to go. I know how you feel. :-)

Without the underwear.

Blackberry's avatar

You’re not going to like this answer…...But isn’t aging a part of life? We can’t have it all, all the time. People of different ages are attractive to different demographics as they change. Are you wanting all men to like you or just a certain group? Because you simply can’t have it all.

dpworkin's avatar

I doubt it has as much to do with appearance as you, or your plasticized colleagues seem to believe.

By the time one is middle aged (sorry, 40 is middle aged) one has tried the beauties, and usually has found sheer looks insufficient to sustain genuine love.

Attitude, smarts, a sense of humor, an ability to connect emotionally. That’s what counts.

Judging just by your post (and please understand, this is no diagnosis, just a hunch) it seems to me that you have at least some of the diagnostic criteria of depression. If I am right, once you get that treated, you may find things go back to their normal, sexy, exciting state.

Treatment does not necessarily mean medication. By treatment I mean trained counseling, especially by a cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist. We actually know how to cure depression. Go get some help, is my advice.

janbb's avatar

I think being or feeling sexy is an energy that you put out rather than any physical attribute. It is often a response to feeling attractive in someone else’s eyes so I can see why you find it hard to feel it in a “dry patch.” People who are confident in themselves and have a spark often project sexuality even if they aren’t young and gorgeous. It sounds from all your other posts that you ae quite depressed; I think as you work on the depression and improve your life, you will get your “sexiness’ back.

Just_Justine's avatar

@Blackberry boo! well I like my own age group. But younger guys seem to go after me more, well maybe just as much as older guys. When I say that, that was last year. I must have degenerated into kwazi modo (sp?) the guy with the hump, since last year?

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Channel your irritation and set it loose against… sugar. Try to stop eating/drinking as much of it as possible. Make it your enemy and note the difference in your moods and the loss of a few bloat pounds. If you were attractive and attracting before then you will be again if you can get your head in the right space. Do your hair or whatever, wear what makes you feel good, be with people who you feel good with and you’ll re grip who you are.

Blackberry's avatar

@Just_Justine Well I know guys since I am one, and there’s always going to be guys that still want to ravage you. Whether you think you’re different or not.

Just_Justine's avatar

@janbb and @dpworkin dam are my posts so riddled with depression? I am embarrest now

dpworkin's avatar

I told you – it’s a hunch, and besides it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You just go get help, it goes away, and bingo! Back to sexy!

janbb's avatar

@Just_Justine Ah, don’t be. We can’t “diagnose” you over the internet as @dpworkin pointed out. You just seem to be in a place where you are questioning a lot in your life. It’s a good thing – it will lead to growth.

wilma's avatar

I am watching these answers too. I feel the same way sometimes Justine.
I’m married so I’m not out there looking, but I do feel like since I hit 45 or 50 that I am invisible.
One good thing about it, not more icky unwanted attention.
but no more flattering attention either , sigh

slick44's avatar

By “bringing sexy back”

SeventhSense's avatar

Mojo retrieval is my specialty baby..oh behave

Just_Justine's avatar

@wilma even icky attention is welcome at the beggars table loll. No just joking. Yeah its the invisible fate. I shall work through this, I always do and I always win. I just need the click in my head. But maybe it is depression or maybe we are depressed because we are invisible. sigh you know like the chicken or the egg.

slick44's avatar

Just. beleive in YOU. Sexy is as sexy does. Do things that make you feel sexier. People will notice this and you will reek of sexappeal

Snarp's avatar

Is it too presumptuous or rude of me to assume that you are perhaps dealing with menopause? I know this can affect you physically as well as mentally, and I think it is true that the brain is the most important sexual organ. I know that there are treatments that can help, but that it’s gotten a lot harder now that hormone therapy has been associated with breast cancer. I don’t really have an answer, just my sympathy, and my belief that you will indeed work through this. You’re a single girl right? I suggest working out hard core, and even before that starts to affect you going out and buying the sexiest damn lingerie you can find, put it on under some new outfits that make you look drop dead gorgeous, and find some younger men to make you feel like the most desirable creature on earth. And if it works for you, practice safe sex and let a few of them get what they want.

Just_Justine's avatar

@snarp nah! I was tested oddly I am not meno but good point anyway. I might be peri or should be, I think I am a freak of nature though, as regular as clock work.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@Snarp: isn’t 47 a little young for menopause?

Blackberry's avatar

And if it works for you, practice safe sex and let a few of them get what they want.

Win…..

Just_Justine's avatar

@Blackberry sounds ok to me, we are grown women! If I only felt like it though loll

Blackberry's avatar

@Just_Justine One (of the myriad) reasons I like um, mature…women….is that they are easier to get along with, they don’t beat around the bush, either they are interested, or they aren’t. It’s the adult thing to do.

Snarp's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence Heck if I know, my mom started it pretty young. I really don’t know how early it can or usually does start, but I think hormonal changes could probably begin at 47. It depends on the person, as well as on past pregnancy, maybe birth control. Basically if you’ve spent a lot of time pregnant it can be much later.

Just_Justine's avatar

@Blackberry I am glad you added “to get along with ..” I thought you were just going to say easier loll.

phil196662's avatar

@Just_Justine ; go get your hair done, nails and a pedicure and rent a movie for yourself. then go to a park where are trails and pack a lunch and hit the trail and head for the top of a hill with a view for lunch, take it in and then stop at the sportsmart and get some small weights and then find a workout/ dance show to watch and do exercises in your living room. eat right and then when you go to work think about the fact that you can do the work of ten of the younger whipper-snappers and not break a sweat

* stand proud and don’t be so hard on yourself! and then picture the image of the young ones with there plastic surgery and how they will look later in life OR when the one with boob implants has one leak and she freaks out because she flatter on the left!!! and has to spend $5,000 to fix it and you just have to get new padding for your bra…

BoBo1946's avatar

Exercise and a big smile will do the trick!

Blackberry's avatar

@Just_Justine Nope, young women are the easiest lol.

BoBo1946's avatar

Stick a “sock in your pants!”

Snarp's avatar

@Just_Justine Well, the last part of my answer works, menopause or not.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

My underwear isn’t so bad, really, but I feel way sexier out of it than in it. Not that anyone else notices; I’m just sayin’ is all.

Snarp's avatar

Also, fake it till you make it.

BoBo1946's avatar

@Silhouette Loll…my problem, take the question too serious!

Silhouette's avatar

Never under estimate the sex appeal of a woman who is at peace with aging. Stop trying to swim against the current, all that thrashing scares the fish.

Silhouette's avatar

@BoBo1946 It’s a good strategy, keeps them guessing. Are those are laugh lines or old age?

BoBo1946's avatar

@Silhouette damn, best answer I’ve heard all day! Girl, you are cool!

Rarebear's avatar

Get off the computer and get outside and get some exercise and some sun.

Merriment's avatar

@Silhouette – ROFLMAO! Here fishy fishy!!!!

slick44's avatar

silhouette rocked that answer

odali's avatar

@Just_Justine Well, this may seem a bit odd, but another poster has said this already and I completely agree – sexiness is most often a state of mind rather than a physical quality. It’s much easier to have that state of mind if you’re getting laid a lot, it’s an odd cycle, but it’s been proven, that the more you have sex, the more people want to have sex with you, and the only thing that really makes sense about that is that you give off that vibe either through body language, subtle flirting, or pheramones. Now, I can’t help you with peramones, but try just looking in the mirror after getting ready (Yes, I do this sometimes when im having a bad day to cheer me up, usually followed by a lot of funny faces in order to make myself laugh), and flash yourself a smile and say “I’m the hottest fucker out there.” Or something similar to that. It sounds stupid, but it works. Try to ooze that sexuality.. The way you sit, walk, talk, look at people, etc etc not by being disgustingly flirty, or wearing low cut shirts, because that’s a turn off to some people (i don’t like a girl to flaunt herself too much, I like to be a little surprised when the clothes come off..) but if you think of it, and try to outwardly portray it, focus on it, it because easy and subconscious after awhile. Try getting laid.. if that is your thing, and that will help too. a LOT of my friends around my age are into women your age. it might do your self esteem some good to bag one. I’m not sure if that’s your thing, though, one night stands are not my thing so I wouldn’t personally do that, but it could help if it is something you are interested in. Remember: you are sexy!

SeventhSense's avatar

I can paraphrase what @odali is saying. Just get in touch with your inner slut.

odali's avatar

@SeventhSense hahahhahaha… yeah kinda.

SeventhSense's avatar

Think Sharon Stone in the eighties. and you don’t even need undies

Silhouette's avatar

@Merriment & silick44 Thanks.

wundayatta's avatar

All right, @Just_Justine, I know you’re fishing for compliments an ego boost. That’s fair. I know what it’s like to be in your place. But here’s the other thing I know, and I know you know it, too. You’re one hell of a sexy lady! I have never seen you, but I know from the way you write that you have the attitude and intelligence and talent. If you’ve got the looks, so much the better. If I were in South Africa, you can be damn sure there would be a vase of flowers delivered to your apartment with my name on the card. And if you don’t flowers, then chocolates or whatever pleases that part of you that loves the attention, and wants to be wanted.

You’ve got the right stuff, as they say in the US Air Force. Now maybe you’re wounded, and you’ve had a hell of a day, and I understand that, and I know you feel down. But I also know that underneath all that veneer of pain, you know you’ve got it. Despite that you think you’re a hag, you know you’ve got it.

So if you really want to meet a guy, all you have to do is go out, and be your snarky, yet sweet self, and they’ll be lining up to ask for a date. Or whatever it is that men do when courting women in SA. You’ll have that secret smile that you know you can get who you want—you know the one. And you’ll work it—when you need to. But I can tell you won’t have to work it much at all. They’ll be falling all over themselves to land at your feet!

Go get ‘em, tiger!

Arisztid's avatar

I am with a 46 year old Lady (she is my wife) who, as they say, sends me.

When I, shall we say, appreciate a Lady (my wife knows I look and does not mind because she knows I am hers) it is almost always those of my age range: I am 47.

Personally, I am unattracted to plastic, hair dyes, and various artificial attempts to attain beauty. I am also unattracted to efforts to look young. I am attracted to confidence and maintaining yourself to the best of your ability. I am attracted to manners and intellect.

My wife is not in perfect health, in fact is shortly to undergo another major surgery, but, if I were to meet her today, I still would fall for her.

It might be how I was raised that fake beauty does not appeal or it might be that it is not as appealing as some people think. I do know other men who do not like it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Learn how to dance Tango – I have seen it revitalize many an aging person. Sex appeal isn’t about the number of men chasing you, it’s about the quality of men chasing you. Figure out what you want our of a connection right now – is it only sex, is it a relationship? Figure out if you find yourself sexy. Change your eating habits and body only for yourself, never for men, ever.

DrC's avatar

Finding yourself at the beginning of menopause (which is entirely possible at 47) and having let your workouts slack can understandably make you feel that you’ve lost your sex appeal. The best thing you can do for yourself is go back to exercising regularly. This accomplishes multiple things at the same time. It helps you sleep more deeply so that you can handle stress better and your body ages more slowly. It also gives you more energy and reshapes your body from blob to diesel. It also increased your body’s production of testosterone, which improves your libido. And when your libido is up, you transmit this unconsciously to others, thereby increasing your sex appeal. Exercise also helps combat depression because it releases endorphins in your brain. Aerobic exercise for 20–30 minutes at least 4 days a week would be a good goal. Masturbating regularly is also a good idea. It keeps the blood flowing and the erotic mind active – two things essential for improving sexiness.

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