Social Question

Jude's avatar

I had this discussion with a friend of mine this morning, have you ever that you weren't good enough for you SO?

Asked by Jude (32112points) February 6th, 2010

Why did you feel this way? Were you able to work through this? How did your relationship end up?

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30 Answers

HungryGuy's avatar

I don’t understand your question. I think you have some words missing or mixed up… Hope you still have time to edit it…

eternal_serenity's avatar

No, but that’s how my s/o felt about me. He had low self-esteem and didn’t realize how great he is. I just assured him that I love him and only him and he is plenty good enough for me. That was way back at the very beginning of our relationship. After awhile he got over it. We are engaged now, will be getting married in a few months <3

wundayatta's avatar

Not good enough? Not good enough how? They are smarter than you? Prettier than you? More social than you? More pious? Moral? Physical?

Sometimes I do wonder why my SO married me. Or even gave me the time of day in the first place. I mean, if she wasn’t held captive in my car as I drove her home, would she have ever talked to me?

I’m such an undesirable person. I should be kicked out of town by the sheriff. Or jailed. I don’t know. I spent the morning trying to see if I could push my wife hard enough she’d kick me out. I guess my heart wasn’t in it, because I’m still here. She knows I’m depressed and that all that is talking. Hah! See if I give any good advice today!

I struggle with it. Sometimes I feel so guilty for whatever transgressions I have committed, that I want to feel not good enough, but I am good enough. I mean, in reality, But in Wundy-world, I am the biggest loser of all time. There some kind of satisfaction in dissing one’s own self when depressed. It kind of makes things more right. So I’d be happy to put not being good enough on the list.

john65pennington's avatar

According to my wife, i am her hero. she states she has had this feeling for me for many years and i would never do anything to make her feel any less of me. am i a hero? no. but, i am in her eyes and thats all that matters to me.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I always considered my lady to be my superior in everything but mathematics and engineering. She was as close to a goddess as I will ever know.

onesecondregrets's avatar

No. I always thought they weren’t good enough for me and I settled. To say the least I’ve never been broken up with, I’ve just been in shitty situations because I settled.

liminal's avatar

I am pretty sure I “married up” and she didn’t. As time passes we are balancing out.

tinyfaery's avatar

I definitely do not deserve my wife. That fact that someone as great as she loves me, makes me feel good about myself.

Someone making you feel like you don’t deserve them is very different than you feeling that a person is just so wonderful it’s amazing they would choose you.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

I understand the question. Yes sometimes I feel as though she is too good for me because she is smart, sweet, adaptive, and absolutely gorgeous. I often feel that way but I am just blessed that I can have such a wonderful person in my life. She has skills and talents I strive to emulate and a personality that I adore.

hush's avatar

No, I haven’t; however, I am too good for my ex.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I have never felt that way.

Oxymoron's avatar

I don’t usually feel like that, but there have been times where I do. I think it’s normal though. Everyone has a point in their relationships where they feel like who they are with is the best person in the world. You’ll get over it pretty fast. Just keep telling yourself that if the person you’re with was better than you like you think, they would know it, and in turn not be with you. Or at least not be happy with you.

MissAnthrope's avatar

I’ve never felt that I wasn’t good enough. I have felt like I was dating someone out of my league, someone so awesome and amazing that I couldn’t believe my luck in their liking me back. That feels pretty good. :)

On the flipside, there have been people that, looking back, I don’t think were good enough for me. I put up with the mistreatment for a motley of reasons.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I have never felt this way as I’m a pretty arrogant person who’s full of myself (with goods to back up that assertion), :)...there have been others who were my SOs and felt they weren’t good enough for me – they were right, they weren’t…eventually they fulfilled their self-fulfilling prophecy and I left them.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

No, I’ve not ever felt that way but I’ve been frustrated to learn a few potential partners didn’t think I was good enough for them. I’ve always been up front with the men I date that I don’t want to have children and I’ve never had a guy back off after hearing that until after we get serious and then they show their true colors.

Jude's avatar

Actually, have you ever felt that maybe you couldn’t give your partner all of what they wanted/needed (even though they loved you to death and were madly in love with you)? And, that they couldn’t do the same for you (perhaps, the intimacy was lacking for you – you weren’t feeling it as much with them)? Did you ever have doubts?

MissAnthrope's avatar

Yeah, I’ve felt all of those things. Usually I give it some time for both of us to make those needs clear, and a grace period to see if it can happen. My experience (which might differ from other people’s) is that this disparity eventually ends in a breakup. Granted, I’ve had some selfish girlfriends who weren’t willing to meet me in the middle.. but the times where I felt I couldn’t give them what they needed despite them being madly in love with me, or vice versa, didn’t end well, either.

I don’t mean to be a downer, that’s just my personal experience.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@jmah:
Have you ever felt that maybe you couldn’t give your partner all of what they wanted/needed (even though they loved you to death and were madly in love with you)?
Yes, a few times.

And, that they couldn’t do the same for you (perhaps, the intimacy was lacking for you – you weren’t feeling it as much with them)?
Yes, I felt I was lacking the passion they deserved and I knew my love wasn’t enough without the physical.

Did you ever have doubts?
Yes, I had doubts I could bring back the physical passion and yes I had doubts the relationship could last indefinitely without that element. In the end and after several years I gave in the idea I’d never have that back and to let my partner go free to find someone who could give him the whole package. I wasn’t even sure I was capable of experiencing the whole package for myself but I was tired of feeling guilty, cruel and hopeless and I wanted to stop disappointing the person I knew loved me very much.

I’ll tell you this also, my biggest fear that I face now is knowing what it’s like to love someone and enjoy so much with them yet not have enough of the sexual element- having that situation happen to me with my current partner. He doesn’t really get why I get testy and pushy now and then, asking him if he’s really sure he loves me for the right reasons and in all ways. He’s had no idea what it feels like to love so much and yet not enough and I don’t want some cruel stroke of fate to introduce it to him through me.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Even after a severe car crash four months after we were married severely altered my physical capabilities (much less agile especially when horizontal) she never allowed me to believe I was less than she desired or deserved.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@jmah this is a tough situation because both people can love each other but not just be that perfect match – it’s good to realize this before further steps into the relationship are taken – the way my partner and I address this is that we understand that if, for whatever reason, either of us were to meet a person that would be a better match, then we would want each other to be happy and be with that person…luckily, the chances, I think, of that happening are slim…

I think I would take every possible step I could to be a person that provides my partner with the most of what they need, especially after having them communicate their needs to me…again, my partner and I check in pretty regularly with each other and we ask each other if there is anything either of us can do to be more of a support for the other..and we remain pretty frank with each other.

downtide's avatar

I’m convinced that I’m not good enough for my SO but we’re still together anyway, despite of everything.

wundayatta's avatar

I have a strong desire to complain about not being good enough sometimes, but I don’t think that what I say is really what it’s about. I guess what it really is is the fear that my partner will ditch me. Which comes down to not really trusting that your partner wants to be with you. Or not being able to see anything of value in yourself that anyone could want.

I grew up fearful of making a mistake, because I felt if I weren’t perfect, my parents would kick me out. I felt like my life was provisional. It depended on me being able to be good enough.

I’ve assumed that every relationship is like that. As soon as I get lazy or I make too many mistakes or I’m not nice enough, or I don’t give in to what she says, my partner will be gone. Of course, I can’t give in like that, because I also have a strong need to do my own stuff, and pursue my own interests and to have my own time. So there’s a tension because I always feel I’m skirting the edge of emotional disaster.

Often times, it’s easier to break off a relationship instead of wondering when the other person will do it for me. The tension and fear is too much. But then, I screw up, and they leave me anyway, because no one can endure this forever. Some can’t even endure it for a few weeks.

Am I not good enough? I don’t feel like I’m not good enough. I should be good enough. But somehow, I’m not, and I wish I knew why. I know I’m too needy, and that drives people away. Which only makes me chase them all the harder, and it’s an endless cycle that ends in disaster. But I don’t know what it feels like to not be needy, and so I don’t know how to do it. My fear always gets the better of me—sooner or later.

Sophief's avatar

I’m not good enough for my s/o. He is very good looking, he is a very good man, he deserves far better than me. We are together and we have a good relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’m good enough, I’m not.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Dibley do you think this is a problem?

Sophief's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir No, why would it be a problem?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Dibley it would be a problem, to me, just because it sounds so unequal but I was only asking if you thought it was

Sophief's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir No, we are very equal and very happy. He knows I feel. I don’t love myself, I’m not all about me, why should I be big headed and think he has it lucky with me?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Dibley no no, not big headed…just want you to feel that he deserves you as much as you deserve him

Sophief's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Well, he says he does deserve me and to stop putting myself down, I know he gets annoyed when I say it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Dibley I’m glad he says that.

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