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shadling21's avatar

Asking the SO to live together... Why is it so scary?

Asked by shadling21 (6491points) February 9th, 2010

On television and in real life, cohabitation of a couple is treated with such gravity.

How/when did you ask your significant other to live with you? Did you test the waters before asking? Was there a bad reaction to the question?

Should I be afraid?

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30 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I never lived with any boyfriends and in fact did not live with a man until I was married.I had the attitude that I would rather stick my foot in a meat grinder than shack up with a man who doesn’t know his own mind enough to make a decision.No testing required when it comes to me.

MrGV's avatar

I didn’t have to ask; she was already my roomate lol

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

My ex husband moved in with me and my parents when we got married. My current husband moved here to be with me and got an apartment. Because my ex wasn’t getting out of my parent’s house, I moved into the apartment of my current husband. Eventually when I was 7 mo. pregnant, I said ‘enough is enough’ and moved my ex out and my current husband and I moved into my family home. It was just such an obvious thing we didn’t need to ask each other – we just wanted to be together all the time.

Cruiser's avatar

I think you need to find out if they leave the toilet seat up or down to suit your preference and if they can cook or not. Till death do you part is a long time to be caught by surprise in that way.

deni's avatar

How often do you stay over at one anothers house? For me and my current boyfriend, if he doesn’t stay here, I stay there. So it was just a couple days ago that he said “hopefully this doesn’t freak you out, but what do you think about living together?” i love him. of course it didn’t freak me out. in fact it makes a lot more sense than traveling between two different houses every day. i just hate sleeping alone. so why not live together, if you’d usually be together anyhow? no point in paying 2 rents.

i suppose its nerve racking if you’re the one asking because if the other one says no, i would feel embarassed that the thought had been on my mind and was something that my SO was totally not interested in. it would be upsetting. so its understandable to be nervous about it.

Blackberry's avatar

Well….only you know her inside and out, I would naturally say no, but I don’t know if you’ve known her 10 years and are the best of friends and lovers, to which I would say yes. That’s a yes as in ask her, not be afraid.

SomNinja's avatar

I don’t know… I think that maybe if one of you has to ask the other to get a place together, then it means it’s too soon for one of them.

It should just sort-of become something that you know you both should do…

Likeradar's avatar

I pushed for it starting at a little before our 1yr anniversary of being together, but he didn’t want to. We finally moved in together recently after almost 2.5 years.

We had a little test run- About a year before getting our own place, my apartment flooded and was uninhabitable so I lived with him for about a month. It went really well, and I was hoping he’d just ask me to stay. He didn’t.

It was annoying to me that he wanted to wait. I’m much more spontaneous and react on much more of a gut level than he does- he’s very cautious and logical. But now that we’ve been living together for a few months, I’m glad he made us wait. I’m glad I spent most of my 20’s living alone and getting to know myself. I know him better now, and our relationship is stronger.

If you think you and your SO have reached a point in your lives and relationship where it’s a logical next step, go for it.

@deni “in fact it makes a lot more sense than traveling between two different houses every day. i just hate sleeping alone. so why not live together, if you’d usually be together anyhow? no point in paying 2 rents.”
I think it’s so much more than that. It’s about having a little safe haven to go to when things aren’t working, a place where you can decorate/play music/watch TV/make a mess/be anally neat/hog the bed/have a girls night/etc without compromise. Even though things are going really well in my living situation, I still miss having my space. Living together also means a break up is way more than a break up- it breaks up your home.

poisonedantidote's avatar

i find it amazing how two people can have sex on a regular basis and still see living together as shocking or a big deal.

surely sex is a bigger deal than sharing the same concrete box.

Sophief's avatar

My boyfriend was scared to ask me, he asked a work colleague to ask me. I said yes and I was so scared. Not scared of being with him, but scared on what our roles would be, if you understand what I mean? It took my a few week to settle in, I was scared to just get up and start doing anything. I never even cooked for the first week because I was so scared, he must of regretted it in those first few week. Now, it is my home too.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I lived with one of my boyfriends. It started as a practical consideration, and I didn’t take it with such gravity. I don’t think he did, either. Our romantic relationship didn’t work out, but I learned a lot about living with other people I’m not related to that has actually helped me today with my current roommates (neither of whom I’m in an intimate relationship with).

Open, honest communication. It’s the only way to go.

casheroo's avatar

Tv makes it seem so dramatic. I know my husband hadn’t had his apartment for long, but I was spending all my time there, it was much closer to my work, and a little closer to school…I think the only big part was telling my parents I’d be staying there more often than not. I moved in, but didn’t take all my things because my husband already had most of the stuff we needed…so, I had a bedroom at my parents house just with no clothes or personal belongings.
He didn’t ask me, I didn’t ask him..it seemed sort of assumed since it made the most sense.

Oxymoron's avatar

There’s nothing to be afraid of when moving in with your significant other. Everything that can come from it is good. Living together is the only way you’ll find out if you’re truly compatible with one another. My boyfriend and I decided to live together because we were in a long distance relationship. I lived in Edmonton, Alberta while he lived in British Columbia. It was a mutual decision, and neither of us regret it thus far.

UScitizen's avatar

It is scary because you are granting that person a much greater level of control over your life. Many people would find that troubling.

Nullo's avatar

Why not just get married? Srsly.

Likeradar's avatar

@Nullo Because many people, myself included, think of living together as a very important learning and relationship step to take before saying forever in front of family, friends, and to each other (and God, for some people).

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

My lady moved in with me out of necessity. She needed care and protection. It was frightening to me because I had been a lifelong loner and had no previous relationships. Her extreme need overrode those fears. I dedicated the next four years of my life to her care. Our relationship evolved from one based on need and compassion to one of deep mutual love.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

I remember asking my SO about getting a place together and It was a huge question to ask her. I agree with @Likeradar that it is a great learning experience to know how 2 people interact with each other before getting married. Though I hope that living together really brings us closer and will make getting married an added bonus :-)

Nullo's avatar

@Likeradar
You’d think that dating for a few years would suffice :\

ModernEpicurian's avatar

I wish that I had treated moving in with my S/O other with greater gravity. I found it so much harder than I imagined it would be, I find that you don’t truly know one another until you have no choice but to be with that person, it’s very different when you know that you could sleep elsewhere because on that certain day you are just fed up.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

@ModernEpicurian You are completely correct. It is WAY different which is why marriages can fail quickly if two people do not have tolerable domestic habits. I think it is very important that two people experience each other in their natural environment before taking that big step. Also, laying some ground rules helps a lot too! For example, letting your S/O know about your habits, or the fact that they like to be left alone at times, or perhaps they like doing things at certain times of the day. This makes the adapting process easier.

Likeradar's avatar

@Nullo No, I really wouldn’t. I’ve learned so much about myself and my SO through living together for just a few months, even after being together for years.

JLeslie's avatar

My husband and I were engaged, the wedding was not for a year. During this time my lease came up, I spent a lot of time at his house anyway, and one of my roommates was getting annoying, so I moved into his place. It wasn’t scary at all.

shadling21's avatar

Interesting responses. Thanks for telling your stories.

I think the problem is that I don’t know my SO well enough, as @Blackberry pointed out – I’ll wait it out.

A few of you said that at some point, it would seem natural, “a logical next step” (@Likeradar). It doesn’t now, but I want him to keep me in mind when he’s planning to move out of his current home. To answer @deni‘s question, we stay over at each other’s places a couple times a week. For a long time, I felt that he was keeping me at a safe distance. It’s only recently that he started opening up more. I just want to put the option on the table without scaring him away.

@Dibley That seems like a fair worry. Neither of us cook, so we may starve or overdose on McDonald’s food together. Hah!

@ModernEpicurian Very, very good point. Fortunately, I know that my parents would take me back if things got weird, and we won’t have moved far.

Nullo's avatar

@Likeradar
I would, at least for determining compatibility. It’s worked for everyone that I know that’s tried it.

shadling21's avatar

Also, marriage is sooooo off both of our radars. Neither of us are even interested in marriage. No religious reasons to do it. Maybe we’ll become common-law partners one day far, far in the future.

JLeslie's avatar

@shadling21 You really don’t sound at the point to move into together. It should feel like the most natural thing in the world as you move to each “next step.”

shadling21's avatar

@JLeslie No, we’re not. It’d be wonderful if we were, though.

YARNLADY's avatar

My SO lived in a beach house with a group of other people. No way was I going to continue to pay rent on my apartment, 100 miles away, when I could move to the beach. We had a grand time, even after we got married. We lived in a big old five bedroom house with six other people, including two children and a dog and two cats.

I did not have the slightest hesitation to quit my job, take my son, and move in with them.

Eventually, one by one, the other singles each found mates or made other arrangements and moved out. Hubby and I bought our own house and moved away.

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