General Question

mustve_misplaced_lifes_map's avatar

I need a reason and a way to try again with my life?

Asked by mustve_misplaced_lifes_map (76points) February 9th, 2010

I hold no value for myself. And I know that that’s bad, I know that I should, but I don’t. I don’t see the point. I honestly don’t see the value in me. and please don’t try to make up something for me
I’m scared of reaching out to people… but miserable alone.
I’m spoiling all the relationships I once had with my silence. I’m hurting people that I don’t want to hurt.
I don’t know how to hit the restart button… I had a few hard years, but they’re behind me now. Or should be.

I don’t understand why I’m here. I don’t see what I could possibly contribute to the world.

I feel trapped in my mind.

I don’t know what I’m still holding onto… so where do I find the courage to let it go? Where do I find the courage to step back into life, instead of watching it fly by me?

I don’t know how much you can help me, since you don’t know me…
everyone around me sees more in me than there actually is. I don’t feel like I have the strength to rise up, show them I’m less, and see their dissappointment. But I know I need to.
So where do I find the courage? The words?

How do I come out and say I’m here, I’ll try?
How do I feel good about trying to feel good about myself?
How do I salvage relationships drowning in noncommunication, misunderstanding, and dissappointment?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

19 Answers

Shae's avatar

Truthfully I would recommend seeing a doctor. They could help you with getting into therapy or with some medication.

Being unhappy is not always our fault.

marinelife's avatar

It sounds as if you are clinically depressed from what you are describing. This could well be the case if you have had some hard years.

Take this test for a screening. Then read about depression on the site.

If you are depressed medication can help you. You can feel better about yourself and about life.

Haffi112's avatar

You’re not giving a lot of information.

If you’re depressed, or think you are, go see a doctor.

If you have a problem being locked in your own world you should consider changing the ways you contact your friends. Try to contact them more often, show them attention, show them that you care. It takes a long time to build up a decent friendship and it takes a lot of work but it’s worth it (depending on the friend though).

Doctors will also recommend cognitive therapy as an alternative to drugs. If you have good friends you can trust just tell them how you feel.

njnyjobs's avatar

seems to me that there are people rooting for you but you choose to ignore them for whatever reason. What made you come out here in this Forum? is it the anonimity? are your prepared then to heed the suggestions offered here? if yes, that’s a positive sign and may very well be the first step… if not, then what’s the point of posing the question?

At any rate, I sincerely hope that you’re able to sort through all the information and help being offered and find an appropriate one that may make a difference.

kevbo's avatar

In many ways, I could write this question myself. I don’t have the answer, but I have places to start. As others have suggested, checking into depression is one place to start. A decent cognitive behavioral therapist can teach you some ways to at least pick yourself up off the floor.

Medical conditions can cause depression. If your thyroid is low, you will be depressed.

You may want to examine your life for addictive behaviors. Addiction to drugs or alcohol is commonly understood, but people also get addicted to processes such as shopping, gambling, and video games. Either type of addiction replaces meaningful activity with a “cheap” high or feeling of accomplishment. Addictions are insidious because they require a lot of energy to maintain—energy that could be used for meaningful activity—and they pose as something of importance.

Regarding your relationships, part of addict psychology is feeling shame. Shame is an isolating and “unactionable” emotion. In recovery, addicts learn to turn shame into guilt, which doesn’t sound much better, but guilt is actionable and motivates people toward reconciliation. Guilt is better than shame for the function of relationships.

life_after_2012's avatar

You fight. or put up a damn good fight. at the very least you still fight for your life period.

trailsillustrated's avatar

one of the best things of life is that you can re-invent yourself. You choose to do it, and one day you do. It’s a choice.

Cruiser's avatar

You are trying to find yourself in your own reflection of your own low expectations of what others see of you. Stop worrying about what others think of you…stop trying to please your own unrealistic expectations of who you think you are as opposed to who you really are. Make a list of your likes and dislikes….highlight the things you really believe in and embrace those with all you have. Everybody has positive qualities and love those things about yourself first and foremost. Then slowly one by one shed the myths of who you think you should be until you feel comfortable in your own skin. Once you deep beneath the surface of who you really are I believe you will find a good person who only needs you to realize it is you yourself that counts the most!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It takes guts to ask questions like yours.I admire that!I wrote you a little message :))

LuckyGuy's avatar

You asked so here’s my opinion. You did not say if you were man or woman, old or young, single or married, trapped and abused or the abuser, employed or unemployed, physically sick or healthy.

But here is what I do know about you:

You are articulate and smart.
You’re writing style is full of emotion and powerful – so powerful that it will convince at least a dozen total strangers to try and reachout to you.
You know that there is more to life and you want to try.
You have some experience and know right from wrong.

I’d say you are further ahead than ¾ of the people I see daily.

Here’s what will not work:
drugs- crack, coke,...
cutting yourself,
staying home alone all day,
starving yourself or over eating.

What will work? That answer depends on the unknowns I listed above. There are too may possibilities to go through. ( 64 if my math is correct.)
However, these will work for all of the 64 possibilities:
eat right
go to bed at the same time
get up at the same time – set your alarm. Now!
talk with a friend – if you don’t have one, then find one.

Write a resume. With your skills I am convinced it would be an interesting read.
Good luck.
Ok, Let’s see how many people you convinced…

phoebusg's avatar

Very good list of advice, especially from @worriedguy
That list is a sum up of behavioral therapy. Changing your behavior, what you do, changes physical effects experienced by your body, changes your mood.
It’s like a recipe, each part something and the synergistic effect of all is what you – I and everyone needs. It’s the human recipe.

But some thoughts regarding this need to defend yourself as that image – what people think you are. This is not you, is it? It is what they think you are, and you have to be understanding. There are reasons they came to think that because that is what they could see/experience/ put together. We all work in a similar way when we make assumptions, or mental shortcuts about others. There is nothing to defend, you are who you are. But then there’s who you want to be.
So maybe you’re not who you want to be yet? None of us are, there’s always the next step. And as soon as you’re there, you’ll automatically look to the next one.
You want to move faster toward that next step – of who you want to become. The only way there, is to stop dragging your feet – as in stop being hard on yourself and wasting valuable brain-power focused on how you did this or that. The only way to the next step is looking down at the step you’re on, accepting that – being aware of it, with all its intricate details. Once you have that acceptance, you can look on to the next step, without having to think twice about your image not matching up to everyone else that think they know you. Don’t worry about that. They’re fallible, their feedback can be both right, and wrong at the same time (mine included). Go through it, sit in the middle of it – find the good parts that help you the most.

There’s nothing more liberating than not having anything to defend. Why should you defend for who you are, you just are. So be, and then become. You can, you will.

Value – biologically, you too are helping the gene survive. That’s all it cares about, continuing life. So, on behalf of the human genome, I would like to extend our warm thanks… hehe. Right, so we have that down, you have that basic value by default, by having survived this far.
Now, as to how you can contribute. Do something, anything – but preferably. Do something you like. What do you like? Who knows, ask, explore, ask some more.

Trapped in your mind, do you at least have good furniture up in there? hehe just kidding, friend. Start small, go for a walk, smell the air – preferably with a friend. But in fact, why not alone even? Experiencing the world can be done in many different ways.
Don’t forget, you have a biological body designed to be out there every day hunting for food. Take your best friend – your carrier – the thing that digests your food and gives that luscious mind its many flashy possessions – for a great walk.

You’re already trying. Repeat ad infinitum, enjoy, live – love. The rest will follow as fruit of your trying.

Best of luck (feel free to message me directly or indirectly for more questions/discussion etc.)

stardust's avatar

By starting with baby steps. You sound like you have some good people around you who value you, even if you don’t yourself.
Do something nice for yourself everyday, even if it’s just a small thing. Really, it’s the small things that matter. Trust yourself enough to communicate more openly – you’ll be surprised at the positive reaction you’ll get.
You’ll get there with some self-belief. It’s always helpful to have an objective person to thrash things out with. Counselling is about you finding your own voice and trusting yourself, as opposed to somebody telling you what to do/how to live
Give yourself a chance! Your life can be great, if you start to believe in yourself

DrasticDreamer's avatar

You probably have clinical depression. The first thing you need to do is be screened for it, so call a doctor. And you want to, trust me. My best friend just killed himself because of clinical depression not that long ago, and his death ruined me.

You’re wrong about yourself. My best friend thought he was worthless too, but he was literally one of the best people I have ever met in my lifetime. My world is too dark without him. You don’t want to end up the same way… It will destroy those who love you.

wundayatta's avatar

Not so very long ago, I was trying to destroy my life for many of the same issues you mention in your question. People would tell me I had all these talents, and that I was worth much more than I thought I was. I took a kind of perverse enjoyment out of arguing with them—trying to convince people that their opinion of me was way too positive. Trying to get them to see how I was pond scum and worthless, and should be allowed to crawl into some gutter and die.

I revisited that place just last week, too. Scared the shit out of my wife. She’s still upset about it. But I started emotionally attacking her because I wanted her to tell me to get out. Leave. No longer be a part of her life. I hungered for that release—to have a reason to explain the pain I was feeling.

She asks me why I do this, and I tell her that it’s because there is no reason for this pain, but the pain desperately needs a reason, so I must create one. There was a whole morning when I sat, staring at the wall, trying to figure out which method of suicide I could actually pull off. A gun? I don’t have one, but even if I did, I don’t think I could pull the trigger. Jumping is similar—what if I decided it was a mistake after I left the roof? Pills? Hmmm. How much lithium and Welbutrin does it take.

I was… how shall I say this… messing with myself. Just fantasizing out my pain. All the time I felt it, I had this idea that if I truly wanted to, I could stop it.

When I was in my first depression, I pushed people away with a will. As if I were a seaman raising a hawser. I kept this silent space around me, and when anyone came near, I would retreat. It was weird. No one would talk to me. Even my friends who didn’t know what I was going through—they didn’t even call me or email me for two whole fucking years! My silence was that powerful

And for what? Why did I need this pain—and I did need it. They say that there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. Perhaps.

I think that I needed to hate myself. I don’t know if I can explain why. Part of it was that I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted. That was very, very painful. It came with it’s own set of paradoxes. I wanted attention, but I wanted it to be honest attention, so I couldn’t ask for it. But if I didn’t ask, people wouldn’t know I was dying, so I asked in a reverse way, by denigrating myself, knowing that people would tray to gainsay me. I would warn them in advance not to try to make me feel good about myself (just as you have), because it wouldn’t work. They would try, and I could show them how wrong they were. But secretly, I thought they were right. But I hated myself for having talent and doing bupkus with it. I hated myself for not achieving what I should have. And why didn’t I achieve? Because I didn’t try. There you go—another reason to hate myself—I’m a god damn fucking slacker!

I didn’t know at this time that these were the things that my parents had told me throughout my childhood. How I would never amount to anything. How I didn’t have enough talent. They never told me they were proud of me. I never pleased them. Not once that I can remember. And so, when I got depressed, that’s what I needed from everyone else. I needed that script to be enacted in all parts of my life. And when people didn’t follow that script, I made them. Because I’m that powerful. Most of us are—who are depressed.

Of course, that’s all pretty sick. Anyone could see that. Who wants to bring shit down upon himself? But I did. And when I write about it, it still calls me. There is some kind of safety in going down as far as you can, because you can go no further. It’s a weird satisfaction. You know what is what when you’re down there. You can truly justify ending your existence because you really are nothing.

Ok. Maybe I’ve got you good and depressed. All this just to show you you’re not the only one? What’s the punch line? How did I get out of it?

Well, I didn’t. It’s still there. It’s just that I’m learning to love it, and in loving it, it stops being such an attractive thing. The world of the depressed sure is upside down! I love something and it grows less attractive??? People tell me I’m good and it makes me attack them to show them how bad I am?

Of course, I pretended to want to get well. Maybe it wasn’t a pretense. I din’t really enjoy the pain. I just saw no other way to make things equal. Explainable. I didn’t want pain. I wanted love. Love and love and love. I thought that would make me feel better. Fuck and fuck! That’s an illusion, too. Love doesn’t help—or, at least, it doesn’t get you all the way there. In the end, it’s something inside you. Some magical thing. And I don’t know what it is.

But there’s a way around that, too. Yes, I’m empty and worthless, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s irrelevant. It has nothing to do with my life. It really doesn’t. It really doesn’t. You see, I am still trying to get that one.

So you can continue to fuck with yourself. Tell yourself how meaningless and worthless you are. I’ll happily agree with you, because I know the joke. We make up these things because we need to feel like things matter, but making it up doesn’t help. Nothing helps. All you can do is do. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. But it’s better if you like it in some way. Just do. Not Nike. Just do.

That thinking in your head? Save it for a movie script or a book. Save it for an advice column. Save it for compassion and empathy. Save it because at the bottom, the truth is that you really love yourself and you really do think you are extraordinarily valuable, and what you really want is to fit in this web of humanity, and feel how it matters. The only way you can do that is by doing.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@wundayatta is on to something, you know? If you truly thought you were worthless, well, then… You’re suffering wouldn’t even matter to you. The fact that it does matter means that somewhere, deep down… You know you’re worthwhile.

wundayatta's avatar

Ah, but @DrasticDreamer We are very, very, very clever at finding ways to overlook inconvenient truths. And sometimes, you can’t see it not because you don’t see it, but because it is not the right time to see it. Sometimes, oddly, you need to be down. It’s a dangerous game, though, and if you get too close to the edge in your journey, it is far too easy to fall off.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@wundayatta I definitely know what you mean. Personal experience and all… Depression is a strange creature.

susanc's avatar

When you have feelings of guilt or shame weighing on you, the answer is atonement.
You don’t have to feel like doing “the right thing” – all those things you’re afraid to do – but you do have to do them.
Maybe your guilt/shame didn’t originate with you. Doesn’t matter. When you feel unworthy, you must turn your karma around. You may need a coach, priest, therapist – everyone benefits from a guide at times of spiritual distress. That’s what this is.

To put things in perspective: going to the gym isn’t atonement, it’s an endorphin fix. Endorphins will give you energy, but not resolution.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Look at that. You posted about 12 hours ago and since then you found about a dozen supporters, affected by your writing and willing to spend time thinking and caring about you.
Worthless? No way.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther