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phatbaby0123's avatar

How can I help my best friend realize trouble?

Asked by phatbaby0123 (79points) February 10th, 2010

She and this guy have been “talking” for 4 months now, & she tries to throw hints at him about being in a serious relationship! He knows, but he avoids the hints, or he’ll be rude to her.
For example..she asked him if he wanted to make it work, and if they were going to ever make it somewhere. He text back, no and no! Like I don’t want my best friend to get hurt, and then when we talk about it she gets mad, and tells me she doesn’t want my help. I know I should leave her alone about it, but when it all falls down, who’s going to be there to wipe her tears for her? Not him! Does anyone agree with me?

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14 Answers

deni's avatar

Yes, you should ask her why she puts up with it! And why she still tries to be with him when it’s clearly not mutual. Tell her she’s wasting her time :)

phatbaby0123's avatar

Thanks, because I don’t want to seem like this over protective person. But we’ve been best friends since 3rd grade..elementary school! I can’t see her get hurt, when the signs are clearly in her face that he’s not interested! Thanks Deni, I truly appreciate it!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

You are a good friend to her,but it seems like she’ll have to learn for herself.Just be there for her:)

LunaChick's avatar

Unfortunately, she has to make her own mistakes. I’ve tried to give advice to friends, about similar situations, but it doesn’t work out. People need to make their own choices and learn from them. Just be there for her, when she realizes he’s not the one and she needs a friend to lean on.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

The short answer is, “you can’t”. And the more or harder you try, the more she will come up with her own plausible (to her, anyway) justifications for why she believes otherwise. People want to be “right”, and she will do whatever it takes to “make herself right”, even if it includes doing things that are objectively stupid, illogical and/or dangerous to accomplish that. (This is the same dilemma that parents face when their older adult teens get into inappropriate relationships. The kids are too old at that point to be flatly prohibited from contact—which is more easily managed with younger children—and the parents’ disapproval actually fuels the relationship as they ally—against the parents.)

You may have better luck if you just accept your friend as she is, make it “safe” for her to admit that “maybe I’m not making the best of choices here” (and continue to shut the hell up at that point! and let her come to her own realizations). You can do a lot more for her, both now and in the future when she comes to her senses, just by being there and listening.

She has to be responsible for all of her own choices. About the only thing that you can do, if you can do this with real skill, is ask her non-leading questions like “How’s it going?” (that simple, really) and letting her tell you. Just listen without comments, suggestions, advice or criticism. It’s often very difficult, but you should try it.

Cruiser's avatar

Sounds to me like you shouldn’t have much to worry about. The guy has already said “no and no”...your friend can’t get hurt if there is no relationship.

phatbaby0123's avatar

Thanks Cyanoticwasp. I’ll try!

@Cruiser he leads her on, so she instantly falls for him. Obviously, she doesn’t understand what NO means! She tells me the same story over and over again, how he’s in love with someone else. She’s being more than naive. I try to listen to her stories, but after four months, the same stories over and over, it gets kind of annoying. Does that make me a bad friend? I try to help, and listen but there’s nothing I can do. She asks for advise, then I give her my opinion and she gets mad. She expects me to tell her what she wants to hear & I can’t do that.

Cruiser's avatar

@phatbaby0123 I guess that comes down to just being a friend and being there for her when she does get bumped and bruised. I know frustrating it can get trying to tell a friend they are far off base on something they are dead set in doing.

CMaz's avatar

Usually a good bitch slap works.

Steve_A's avatar

Some people have to learn on there own….

phil196662's avatar

He sounds like a player and is not ready to commit to a serious relationship. If she wants a serious relationship then she needs to stop seeing him and go find a man that want’s the same thing and is ready.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Valentine’s day is coming. Buy her a dark green sweatshirt, put WELCOME across it in white letters, and pin a daisy onto it. If she’s willing to let people walk on her, she should be dressed for it.

phatbaby0123's avatar

@PandoraBoxx Lol, that’s a good one! I’m going to say that to her!

Jack3090's avatar

If she won’t listen, then just be there for her; just listen to her and if she asks your opinion, tell her sweetly thet you don’t want to see her heartbroken, and that she deserves way better. Maybe she’s scared to be alone or something…

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