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ducky_dnl's avatar

It's been a month since my friend passed, and I still feel numb...

Asked by ducky_dnl (5378points) February 12th, 2010

My friend passed away a month ago today. I don’t know what to feel, say, or do. I really loved and cared for my friend. I act happy, preppy, and nice everyday, but all I think about is him. This will sound totally stupid I know, but I do it. Everyday I write him a letter telling him how much I love him and what I’ve been feeling and doing that day. Stupid right? I really want him back, and I hate not getting a call, or text, or something. I know I will never, ever get him back..and that makes me want to die even more. I regret not talking to him. I ask myself everyday “What would he have said if I replied back to his message?” I feel like I have to live with that on my head. I also have to live with knowing he liked me, but I was too scared to tell him I liked him back. Now that chance is gone. What do I do?

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14 Answers

ducky_dnl's avatar

sorry I meant passed away. :(

ducky_dnl's avatar

Also is it weird to look at a picture of he and I everyday?

Sophief's avatar

Why should it sound stupid, it doesn’t at all. Can you visit his grave or anything? Are you close to his parents? You could visit them. If you have a picture of him, you could frame it. There is nothing wrong in writing him letters. I know nothing can bring him back, but there is no harm in him still being part of your life. Embrace the memories you have of him.

limeaide's avatar

You do nothing different. Let the process naturally progress. A death of someone close is nothing you ever get over it just hurts less as time goes on. Later it will be easier to remember the good times. I lost my mother 7 years ago, there hasn’t been a day go by that I haven’t thought of her.

LunaChick's avatar

I lost a wonderful friend three years ago and I still think about him. It’s very hard, especially in the beginning, but it will get easier. This is a poem that helped me, when Jim passed away – hopefully you will find the words comforting:

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love,
And go on.

marinelife's avatar

First, it has only been a month. You are being too hard on yourself. Your grief is natural.

I love the idea of writing letters to him. One native American tradition is to burn the letters and as the smoke ascends to the heavens you know that your message is reaching the person.

It is natural to look at his picture.

Your longing anf sadness will pass in time.

The one thing that concerns me is you saying that you want to die. That is not healthy. He would not want you to die. Think of the effect of his death on your and multiply that times the terrible sadness of all the people that you would leave behind in your life.

In time, you will feel more in step with the world around you, and your grief will ebb a little (although the loss of your friend will enver go away).

Please take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, eat right, try to exercise.

phoebusg's avatar

Allow yourself to grieve, it’s a natural part of the process. If you feel you have to look a certain away around certain people, that’s ok. But just allow yourself to be, as you are.
What you’re doing is not silly at all – you’re doing something through which you can express your feelings. That’s great, you’re already ahead.

Some thoughts that have helped me. Your friend will always live in the memories of those that knew him – keep him alive, as you are. Honor his memory. Our bodies, what they’re made of – matter never leaves or enters the universe. Sure, there is a change in how they were – how he was. But if you knew him really well, and it sounds like you do, you have a live version of him in your mind. There’s nothing wrong with keeping that around.

My uncle – who was more like a brother to me passed on twelve years ago now. I still remember him, he’s still with me. Everything he taught me, his advice – his ‘spirit’. I’m keeping it alive. It certainly helps – because I can never really lose him, unless I don’t remember him.

Hope that helps.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I am sorry about your friend.
I don’t think there should be any rules to how one should grieve as it is such a personal thing.I think it’s quite alright to do as you’re doing.I had two friends commit suicide within a span of three years around 6 years ago.I miss them both greatly and think of them often,still.Time helps with the pain,believe it or not.My dad died in October and I am still working through that grief and miss him like crazy:(It just takes time.I personally like the letter idea and am going to try a journal of sorts to clarify some thoughts I have.I wish you well:)

Strauss's avatar

@ducky_dnl sorry you miss your friend. I miss my friend too, and she died over 25 years ago. I wrote a song for her, and here are some of the words. I hope this helps:

Life is so fragile, memories endure.
I weep not for her, but myself.
I share with her family the pain that we feel,
Her picture is there on the shelf.
There are the songs that we used to sing,
Ours was a love that would last.
There is the music that we used to play,
Ours are the songs of the past.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

You’ll probably feel numb for quite a while. I’m three months into the process myself. The lady I lost was the only person I ever loved. I almost took my own life shortly after she was killed. The medications that I have to take are probably making the numbness permanent, but they cover up the inward-directed anger.
Yes, look at the pictures, cry if you have to. You have a right to grieve. Just know that others are going through this also. Life can really suck sometimes. I try to think about the good times we had and try to do what I think she would have wanted me to do.

HGl3ee's avatar

@marinelife : “One native American tradition is to burn the letters and as the smoke ascends to the heavens you know that your message is reaching the person.” This gave me goosebumps! I have a few letters to write and then burn now <3 Thanks for your words, I always appreciate your views and ideas here ^.^

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@ducky_dnl I just noticed the “car crash” in the topics section. That’s what took my lady, also. ((hugs))

marinelife's avatar

@ElleBee Thank you for saying that. I’m glad that you found that tidbit helpful. I have done it, and it is a very powerful practice.

david835's avatar

i wish i knew what to say….everyone eles wrote great stuff….i really hope u feel better

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