Social Question

Val123's avatar

Can someone help me understand why some men make sexual comments regarding women to each other, in the presence of other women, but seem to think that it's an inside joke that the women won't get?

Asked by Val123 (12679points) February 12th, 2010

For example, once I was out with my boyfriend and his friend and wife whom we only saw a few times because they lived a couple hundred miles away. We went to Red Lobster. My boyfriend’s friend ordered lobster. When his food came he went through a whole lot of steps to get it just the way he wanted it. He added things, he smashed it up. It took him about five minutes! Which is fine, but at one point he looked at my boyfriend and said, “Half the fun is gettin’ it ready, ain’t that right Jer!” (insert manly, knowing smile here.)

Another time my husband and I were camping with his friend and wife. I was making bacon over the campfire and after it was all cooked my husband’s friend complained that he preferred his rare (well why didn’t you tell me that before, ding dong!) Looking at Rick, (again insert manly smirk,) he says, “We like a little wiggle in our bacon, ain’t that right Steve!” (In both instances my men kind of smiled uncomfortably and apologized to me later for their friend’s behavior. Which I appreciated.)

It’s disrespectful and low class in my opinion, but somehow they honestly seem to think we women aren’t going to “get it.”

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35 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Yeah, people are as deep as a lobster’s shell, sometimes. I can see Alex literally having his eyebrows on his forehead being like ‘uhh, seriously?’ I also find it ironic that these people don’t get how homoerotic they sound (since, and I’m hugely assuming here, they are homophobic to boot) when they’re talking about each other’s sex and what it feels like to them.

MrItty's avatar

Are you seriously looking for an answer more deep and profound than “Because guys are stupid”?

The other obvious answer is that it’s not that he doesn’t think women will get it. it’s that he doesn’t care. Doesn’t find it inappropriate to make that kind of joke in your presence. Not everyone has the same definition of “appropriate”.

jfos's avatar

The first joke was funny; the second one wasn’t. I agree with @MrItty that different people have different opinions on what is appropriate and where.

john65pennington's avatar

All i can honestly tell you is just a macho “thing” with some men. its just an “inside” joke that most men do, in order to keep reviving their manhood. its disrespectful and especially in front of your wife. i see you were apologized to and thats good. i say hold your own and keep demanding respect. some men are just idiots and do not know when to keep their mouth shut.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@john65pennington see and that’s what I don’t get – if ‘manhood’ is so damn obvious and inherent and there, is there really a need to keep ‘reviving it’? What do you think?

john65pennington's avatar

These comments must be coming from “younger men”. us older guys know better than to make such a remark, especially in front of our wives. i guess the younger men think they have something to prove either to themselves or their macho friends. take their comments lightly. as they age, it will all pass. at least, it did here. john

MissAusten's avatar

I think it’s a crass and unintelligent form of humor. I also suspect the guys knows everyone around is going to “get it,” and that is half the fun. Why not just make a smart ass comment back to show that you understand the reference, don’t find it funny, and are capable of mocking that sort of macho nonsense?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@john65pennington not that @Val123 is old but I don’t think her husband and the buddies are ‘younger men’ from what I know of her and her life

MissAusten's avatar

Is it just me, or does the idea of being female and unable to handle this kind of thing come across as insulting? I don’t need my husband to chastise a friend who makes rude comments. I can do that myself. Why does being female and married make me some kind of sensitive nun who has to be sheltered and protected?

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

They can’t honestly think you aren’t going to get it!I think they are just being jackasses.I will usually ignore things like that or throw a pie in their face ;)

jfos's avatar

It might be that the men that you and your at-the-time significant other were spending time with were feeling a bond that they didn’t usually experience. Perhaps, due to their relationship status, the men had been deprived of male bonding for a long time, and therefore let the feeling cause them to make distasteful jokes?

cookieman's avatar

I see this all the time.

I was at a radio station yesterday doing promotions, when one of the on-air personalities comes out of the studio, into the hall and starts a blatantly inuendo-laced conversation with one of the women in sales. It was so obvious, I can’t even imagine she didn’t get the references.

But she just giggled and went along until finally walking away to have her ass oggled by the same guy.

I was dying for the woman to tell him off, but she just played the fool. I don’t understand this dynamic.

and BTW, Red Lobster… :: drool ::

jfos's avatar

@cprevite Maybe she didn’t mind. They could have had a friendship that allowed for that type of thing.

Val123's avatar

@john65pennington First time the friend was in his late 30’s, second instance guy was close to 50.

@MrItty It’s not that I’m looking for something profound. I’m trying to fathom how so many men don’t seem to understand that that kind of thing is not attractive nor sexy. The same kind of guys who would pinch a women’s butt in a bar. They seem to think they’re paying her some sort of compliment that she’ll appreciate. How can they think that?

@MissAusten Well, I guess maybe I’m wrong to feel that men should treat women with some respect and leave their locker room talk in the locker room. It made me uncomfortable, just as I believe men would feel uncomfortable if my girlfriends and I were cracking jokes about penis size or whatever in front of the men.
Also, my men didn’t chastise their friends. They only apologized to me at a later date, because they both respect me.

@lucillelucillelucille In the second instance my husband’s friend is chauvinistic to the umpth degree. The last time we saw him he called me a “Dumb blond pencil pusher.” It was in reference to the fact that I kept the records for the business. My response was, “I don’t use a pencil. I use a computer.” Anyway, he was drunk and got pretty aggressive with me. Which is a big part of the reason that is the LAST time we will ever see them.

@jfos That’s a thought. But fortunately the jokes were only one sided.

@cprevite Sometimes we have to play along, especially when you’re in the dynamics of a working relationship, for fear of losing your job or inviting even more harassment, especially when you’re around them all day.

@jfos I bet she goes home and tells her friend what a jerk the guy is!

cookieman's avatar

@jfos: I thought that too, but as she walked away (and he was commenting on her behind), he mentioned she was a “new sales girl” that just started this week. I just gave him a blank stare and said, “Dude! Really?!? Aren’t you married?”

cookieman's avatar

“Sometimes we have to play along, especially when you’re in the dynamics of a working relationship, for fear of losing your job or inviting even more harassment, especially when you’re around them all day.”

@Val123: I can totally understand that, but that is such a sad state of affairs to have to work that way.

Val123's avatar

@cprevite Ah. That explains why she didn’t say anything…brand new job. Don’t rock the boat. Glad you stuck up for her a little! She could use your help. And yes, it is a sad state of affairs! But that’s just the way it is.

john65pennington's avatar

Just a thought here…............maybe this is why the divorce rate in America is skyrocketing. a chatty-kathy mouth will get you into trouble every time.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Val123 people, in general, don’t have any idea as to what sexy is. good thing I’m bringing it back, lol

Val123's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir LOL!

@john65pennington The divorce rate started going up when the opportunities for women being able to support themselves became available. Yep. They didn’t have to put up with the crap any more!

ucme's avatar

I’m going to have to give this question some “hard” thought, before I get “stuck in” to my answer. Uh huh uh huh huh huh get it dudes.Oh not to worry, the chicks won’t have a clue.Yeah some guys are stuck in the neanderthal age I guess.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Because men are stupid. And I should know.

Val123's avatar

@ucme LOLing Well HUMPH!! (Flounces off in indignation to go get my husband to challenge you to a du-ell!)

@Lightlyseared That can’t be the whole answer! (And please, everyone. I noted “SOME” men in my Q. No one that I’ve ever been with would do that, at least not around me.)

cookieman's avatar

@Val123: OK, so the real question is…what did you eat at Red Lobster? Yum.

what? I’m a little peckish at the moment.

liminal's avatar

Okay, I’ll be the one to say it: I think some people who make such comments actually do think the person they are excluding will understand them. It can be (sometimes) a passive aggressive way to establish dominance or superiority.

Val123's avatar

@cprevite CRAB legs. CRAB! Get it! Get it!! wink wink…..bleh. I suck at this, don’t I…

@liminal That’s a good answer. Really good answer, especially in the second case in my two personal examples above. Really intuitive.

liminal's avatar

@Val123 it was your second example and @cprevite example that brought it to mind. :)

MissAusten's avatar

@Val123 I don’t think you’re wrong at all to think that is inappropriate and disrespectful. I was referring more to the “don’t subject my wife to that” sentiment, as if being a wife means you can’t stick up for yourself or have to be handled with kid gloves.

Sometimes my husband or a friend of his will make this sort of joke, but they laugh at themselves and do it in a way that mocks guys who joke like that thinking it is funny or clever. They try not to stand near me when they do it because they know they’ll probably get punched in the arm.

MissAusten's avatar

BTW I hope you had some of those cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster. God I love those things.

Val123's avatar

@MissAusten O tell me about them biscuits! I have tried and tried to recreate them at home but….I can’t quite get it! I asked for a recipe once. Cheddar cheese and garlic…or onion or something.

cookieman's avatar

if some seedy looking guy in a trench coat was selling those biscuits in a dark alley somewhere…I’d buy them

MissAusten's avatar

@Val123 and @cprevite Buy a box of Bisquick. Make the recipe for garlic cheese biscuits on the box. It’s very, very close to the Red Lobster biscuits.

thriftymaid's avatar

Because women, in their quest for equality, have allowed all forms of respect and social grace to go by the wayside. You girls are now just one of the guys.

Val123's avatar

@MissAusten Thank you!
@thriftymaid I haven’t allowed it.

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