(NSFW) Partner sometimes puts less effort into giving?

Ha! Sounds like he needs his head examined!

As a guy who would rather be doing that than just about anything else on earth, it seem inconceivable to be any man would slack off on it. I guess it’s all a matter of taste.

I’ve never felt like that before. Sometimes are better than others, but that’s usually because he’s tired or something else is causing it. I know he never does it on purpose. Ask him if there’s a reason why?

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I can’t imagine how it feels since both my boyfriend and I are both very eager. Maybe try talking to him about it and making sure that he knows you’d like his complete honesty.

Maybe it’s just a blip on the radar. Sometimes if I had a long day or I’m tense or whatever, I can’t get that into going down on my SO. At those times, it just feels like, “Great, here’s one more thing I have to do for someone else. When do I get some me time?” If he’s feeling that way, he’ll probably need some relaxation, foreplay, and teasing before he’s into it enough to do a really good job. It can take a while to switch gears from worrying about your day to having great sex.

Having to ask for it is the first clue. I never ask, wouldn’t dream of it. It sounds weak and needling. If I want something from someone, I make it a point to give it to them first, and again, and again, and again. Curiosity builds and a competitive characteristic develops in the partner. Sure, some time may have to pass before he gets a clue, but he will get a clue.

When he does, your reaction is very crucial to the situation. Men want to feel like they’ve conquered something, anything. The Antelope never “asks” to be eaten by the Lion. When he finally makes the move, make him chase it a bit. Put a price on it deserving of you being considered a special and reserved prize that only he can conquer.

Well look, lovemaking is a bit of a game. And part of that game is understanding that people (men) generally want what they cannot have. If you want something from him, then be the clever girl and give it to him first, again, and again, and again. Let competition, curiosity, and a little bit of guilt do the rest.

He’ll attack you with a mission to prove something. Make sure you let him know that nobody compares to him. Tell him he’s powerful and feed the Lions ego. Moan like you mean it and give him all the encouragement in the world.

Whatever you do… don’t say “Well it’s about time! I wish you’d do this more often.”

Keep it in reserve and watch him chase after it with a hunger like no other.

@ETpro it’s very frustrating knowing that other guys love to give women oral.
@Haleth That is a very good point. But he didn’t work to day (he did go out and play golf). But he had mentioned he was horny, before I told him something nasty.
@RealEyesRealizeRealLies He likes it when I ask, come on to him, and/or dominating. I’m the first girl he’s ever given oral to (we’re in our late 20’s). I’m also much more sexual and horny than he is. Also, I don’t like to play games, or hard to get. I rarely get any as it is. If I were to play hard to get, I’d never get any.

try and call him daddy when hes doing it or other names…

When in doubt, trust the Kama Sutra

Don’t be fooled by thinking it’s just about sexual positions. It’s an entire philosophy on Love Making

Order a copy and set it on the coffee table without saying a word to him about it. Read it for yourself and let him see you reading it. Let him find it on your computer screen by accident. When he asks, say “Oh nothing you’re interested in really. Not for you.” Trust in a man’s curiosity to do the rest.

I mean look, this doesn’t sound like it’s a passing one time issue. There are some deeper psychological issues that probably deal with his upbringing. You will not fix overnight. But if you love him, then plant some seeds that give him reason to grow on his own. You cannot force him to grow. That will kill the both of you.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies there was another book recommend to me. I think I’m going to have to do some online shopping thank you (oh, and i love the idea of leaving something for him to happen to see). I also agree with you about the time issue. We have been together almost 2 years, and everything sexually has improved. I’m not sure if I told you or if you read, but he had not given a woman oral, before me. I don’t know how he got away with that for so long. He has gotten so much better.

I have never experienced a guy like that, who just didn’t know or couldn’t do it right. (Well there is one thing that some men do I hate and that is “sucking” agh!). Maybe some guys are just bad at it. I think though, sexy guys make a point of finding out ALL about sex, just like I do.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I get what you’re saying, but that’s a pretty passive approach. If your partner is inexperienced, they might not understand that they need to reciprocate. You could end up giving, giving, and giving, not saying anything, and being frustrated when your partner doesn’t take it upon themselves to go down on you. There’s nothing bad about asking your partner to meet your needs. And they should do the same.

Dang Violet! Dang!!! I feel for you. I can say when I do the deed I do so with all intent to bring about the “The Big ‘O’” every time. I have to ask, how sure are you that he is really into you? If he is maybe he feels he is not good at it and that he can’t do it to the point you would really enjoy it so he shy away from it.

You will have to create in him the fear of loss over the desire to gain; if he feels he will lose you, sex with you (whatever his button for you is) more than he desire to avoid flossing the feminine taco he will step up.

I hate using sex as a weapon (unless absolutely needed) but in this case you may have to. Get yourself a battery operated b/f and let him discover it. Tell him you are going to the room and you do not want to be bothered. If he is anyone who is anyone he will hate the idea he is getting replaced by a battery stuffed hunk of plastic.

At least that is one idea. Poor Violet (hugs)

@Hypocrisy_Central awww, you’re so sweet : ) ((big hug back)) I am very very sure he is into me. I am the first woman he’s given oral to! We also don’t live together
@Just_Justine I am the first woman he’s given oral to. I also think I am a bad teacher

@Violet Maybe he is a bad student, start him off on his A, B, Cs. Have him spell the alphabet on those suthern lips and then do the number zero to 9 and tell him while he does it to snake a finger in and go 2in up the front until he feels a semi solid type of node and manipulate it with his finger. :-)

@Hypocrisy_Central he actually did that tonight, without me asking! I also asked him to try using his finger too.. and everything got really sloppy

only time i hate giving oral is when it dont taste good. or when its not shaved….but that’s just me. maybe he’s just wierd if your clean and smooth.

I always put in maximum effort. I love him, why would I give him any less than that.

@Dibley you woooooouuuuuuulld jk lol, ( hey heeeeeey its meee bigboss! =)

From what I am reading here I’d say it might be time to fire him and find someone who is more compatible to your fired up sexual needs.

Quite frankly,I would most likely not be with this person.Sex is important to me.

@Violet i wouldnt do it either if my gf complained as much as you do =]

I think sex in general is something a person has to be in the mood for a tiny bit in order to get further turned on. If you’ve got a partner under a lot of stress or they’re on medications or affected by alcohol then those are all handicaps to the normal process of making out leading up to sex.

Giving I love to even if I’m not in the mood to think of it first and he makes it known that’s what he wants then I get a bit turned on by that.

Receiving I love to receive and rarely have to ask though I do sometimes ask for us 69 instead of one on one.

Duration/quality/etc sometimes it’s not a lot and I accept that as he’s not so much in the mood for that but enough to want to excite me further leading to intercourse and I’m fine with that. Sometimes I spend more or less time giving him oral and that’s usually due to if I feel he’s really into it or more wanting it as a lead up to intercourse. My partner isn’t in the best of health so I try to gauge what he’s up for and as I go, I try to feel out his responsiveness.

I would bet he’s picking up on your frustration with his efforts. Your his first, communication has to be a priority.The most heartbreaking thing I ever came across was a letter to an advice site. It started out Dear whoever, I’ve been married to the most wonderful man for two years,but he doesn’t know how to please me sexually and I’m too embarassed to tell him what I want. We’re now sleeping in seperate bedrooms. Jesus Christ people. Talk. It’s sex, not quantum physics. (I’m in a nasty mood. The luge thing at the olympics got to me)

It’s all or nothing for us. If one of us is not in the mood, we wait until we are.

@Violet I really feel sorry for you ((hugs)). Giving oral sex to my lady was my favorite act of love. I’d even do it during her period, it helped her cramping. For the first four years of our relationship, it was the only form of sex we could have (she had injuries that made it impossible to have vaginal sex until after several rounds of surgery). Is this an isolated case for him? Maybe he feels pressured about his performance in this area?

@Adirondackwannabe They’ve got that run set up too fast, the bobsleds are having trouble too. It’s not really possible to “slow them down” either. Many of these athletes are so committed that they’ll risk death for a medal.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land You do realize how many people are going to wonder what the heck he’s talking about? The speed isn’t the issue, its what happens if something goes wrong. More Huhs.

@Adirondackwannabe (The Georgian luge sledder who was killed yesterday at the Vancouver games) They supposedly “fixed” it by raising the wall at Turn 16. He was taking an unusually high line on that run, tried to correct and lost it.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land That was just such a terrible hazard, How did no one see that? Just cover the posts so he slides along them, and he’s alive. More huhs.

@Adirondackwannabe The sledders expect to crash, that comes with the sport. But getting wrapped around a pole…

Yeah. Sorry Moderators. We’ll get back to the issue at hand.

@OuterHaven lol, I always wash up before. I have a fear of tasting bad. I’m also on top of shaving. I don’t complain to him about it.
@lucillelucillelucille and @Cruiser, I am the first women he has given oral to. I also new at receiving, so I am a bad teacher, and I don’t know what I want.

@Violet You need to experiment together. You are not a bad teacher, both of you are students together. You love each other, you’re communicating, take it slowly and lovingly. Be gentle to each other. He’s had you close to orgasm? So you need to fine-tune a bit. It’s a loving experiment. It took me several years to get it right, and that with a partner who had recieved before and knew exactly what she wanted. ((hugs))

Alas, giving oral is tiring sometimes. I’m sure you know that your jaw and tongue get tired after a few minutes, especially when your partner is taking unusually long to orgasm. Sometimes, you just need to play the “cruel dominatrix” and demand that he pleasure you, even though he be tired. If he’s normal, that’ll just turn him on and give you the pleasure you seek. Of course, he’ll expect you to “suffer” for him the next round—such as with that position with your head hanging back over the edge of the bed like I mentioned elsewhere…

Now, I’m sure this isn’t your situation, Violet, but I once had a vanilla girlfriend who could only orgasm when I gave her oral, and I gave it willingly, even when I was tired. But she hated to reciprocate. It was her opinion that giving me oral was “wasting it,” and I gradually lost the motivation to please her. She loved to claim how she was “oversexed” and loved sex, but the truth was that she wasn’t good in bed at all. That’s one of the reasons I gave up on vanilla relationships, and now expect my women to be submissive and obedient, even to the point of enduring discomfort for the sake of my pleasure :-p

@HungryGuy So that’s what your screen name means. :-)

@HungryGuy One of the things I love most about my bf is that he is so willing to try new things. He was so cool with my fetishes, and toys.. What is your definition of vanilla?
@stranger_in_a_strange_land he has brought me to orgasm a couple times.

@ETpro – Ayup!

@Violet – To me, vanilla is plain old boring sex, it could include oral but without anyone getting tied up or anything, ya’know—ordinary give and take, no toys, no demands that your partner endure something he/she finds unpleasant for the sake of your pleasure, etc. So if he’s cool with your fetishes and toys and is willing to let you show him how best to give you oral pleasure, then he’s a keeper :-)

@Violet Since this is new and all this talk here you may be putting too much pressure on your self and ultimately him. Oral is just a part of foreplay, fooling around and lovemaking. Don’t over emphasize the act and most of all relax…go with the flow your mind will tell you what works and make sure you let him know what feels good and don’t be afraid to say that it is or isn’t working for ya!!

@HungryGuy oh good, I was worried I might be vanilla!!! But I’m glad you think he’s a keeper. He is the so super sweet. My parents love him, so I know he’s a keeper!
@Cruiser it’s not too much pressure, I’m just getting really tired of people telling me to find a new guy, when I love the one I’m with.

@Violet Cool!!! All the more reason to keep experimenting AND talking…verbal communication can be quite the turn on.

@Violet So you know that the two of you can do it. You have a few few data points to work from. Now think about what it was that took you over the top. Talk together about those times and try to re-create the conditions. Once the two of you get to the stage where you can consistently achieve orgasm, then you can experiment with “variations on the theme”. Remember that the male ego can be really fragile about things like this, be gentle with him’

I like the advice given on another thread about the “peach eating” practice. Maybe partially-sliced peaches could become a regular addition to your dessert fare? :^P

@HungryGuy I guess we were “French Vanilla”. Maybe with a few pistachios and chochocolate chips? I can’t get my head around dominating or hurting, just a bit of light restraint and tactile stimulation.

@Violet The suggestion that @Hypocrisy_Central made about the “battery-powered rival” gave me an idea. Maybe you could try an egg-type vibrator inserted while he does the oral. That might give you that “extra” you need and it might serve as an incentive to him, working towards bringing you to orgasm without it. Once it’s inserted, the cord shouldn’t interfere with him. If you are getting close and he’s not doing it, just turn it on or switch it on high speed.

@Violet – Yup, he sounds like a keeper.

Now, to some people, the sex part of a relationship isn’t important at all—it’s nice when it’s good, but doesn’t have any bearing on whether or not to continue the relationship.

And to other people, bad sex is a deal breaker (like it was for for me with that old vanilla gf I mentioned above).

So as long as he’s willing to let you show him what you like and where to put his tongue (a lot of guys aren’t, and are too “macho” to let a girl teach them anything about sex), then just give it time…

A lot of therapists and people like that say you should never do anything sexual for your partner that you find unpleasant or object to—that’s the core of vanilla! And has nothing to do with what sex acts you do or what toys you use!! Hungry Guy says that you should demand that your partner do things for your pleasure, though he may find it unpleasant/painful to do so; and you should do things for your partner’s pleasure though you find it unpleasant/painful to do so. (Unless, of course, one of you is the master and one the slave—then the slave always suffers for the sake of the master’s pleasure, but not the reverse)

So the best advice I can give you is to set your imagination free, and don’t be afraid to demand that he please you even if he’s tired or not in the mood—“Stick your tongue in there RIGHT NOW!!” or “I’m sitting on your face whether you like it or not, and you’re not taking another breath until I have an orgasm!!!”

@stranger_in_a_strange_land – Mmmm….chocolate chips….

Anyway, believe it or not, there are plenty of women who seek out extreme pain for a sexual rush. Trust me on this :-p Here’s the chemistry lesson: pain releases endorphins, some people release more endorphins than others. With those people, the endorphins overcome the pain and give them a sexual rush.

Pain, no pain, just give me sex.

@Dibley – You female? I’ll give you all the sex you want, babe…as long as you let me tie you down first :-p

@HungryGuy Yes I am a very highly sexed female.

@Dibley – Ah! The best kind :-D

I think he is starting to feel pressure. Whether it is your expectations about it happening or what should come from it who is to say. There is little in men’s psyches that has more problems than feeling pressured.

May be u r lacking something or u put him off about some issue and he is juss not into it these days and he has not told u. I always believe in communication.

@sleepdoc and @lew I think after the original conversation, I have put less pressure on him. Lately, I’ll ask him if he would like ot give me oral tonight, or if he would rather do the next night.

@Violet Just a thought – asking him what he wants to do each night might make him feel like it is a chore he has to do rather than something to enjoy, can’t you just see where the mood takes you?

@Dibley I think now I will be able to back off, and let things play out naturally. It use to be, if I didn’t ask or oral sex, I’d never get it.

@Violet Oh. I just mentioned it to my boyfriend last night, and that is what he said. I used to ask him for stuff and he said it was pressure on him and it felt like a job for him.

@Violet Here is just another thought. Positive reinforcement .. it goes wonders. So when he isn’t expecting it, maybe say something like. Remember that time that you….. (fill in the blank with the behavior you want to reinforce). I just can’t get it out of my head it was so (fill in the blank with your best adjective).

@Violet @Dibley That really bothers me. Your guy sees it as a chore? I see it as a fantastic gift I can give my girl. I love the feel of her getting off. It makes me feel great that I can give her that much pleasure.

I agree with @Adirondackwannabe . There is an intense joy in seeing her reactions and knowing that you can do that for your lover. Any guy who doesn’t want to do that for his lady is very selfish.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land High five for you. It just amazes me what some of the guys are passing on.

@Adirondackwannabe You don’t get what I mean, when I say, can we do this can we do that, it makes him feel like it is a chore, instead of letting things happen.

@Dibley… I understand what you mean. It is not that the act itself always feels like a chore, but just that when one is asked it feels like I want to do that because I want to do it, not because you asked me to.

@Dibley Isn’t that really communicating your wants and needs? If I’m doing something other than what my partner wants, I want them to tell me.

@Adirondackwannabe Yes But I mean asking, like casually watching tv and saying “hi babe can you give me oral tonight”?!

@Dibley Okay, in that context it could be like a chore. I’d rephrase it. Babe, how about we give each other oral.

@Adirondackwannabe I think what he was meaning was actually when in bed and the kissing starts to just go wherever the mood takes you, not a calendar up saying Monday, oral sex on me, Tuesday, oral sex on him, do you follow?

@Dibley Yes. Some women aren’t comfortable with taking the initiative, so if I waited for them to do something, I’d be out of luck.

Let’s try this .. it is always best when given spontaeously

@sleepdoc That’s usually the best. But I’ve been with women that will not do anything without me asking.

Dare I say this… then maybe you don’t get oral until they are ready to give it.

@sleepdoc What if one partner for whatever reason doesn’t like giving oral?

@Adirondackwannabe…. what if .. well then you don’t get it. In my opinion bad oral is far worse than no oral with good other options.

@sleepdoc Exactly. My s/o went thru a very nasty divorce when she was a kid. I don’t know exactly what happened but she has issues with it. She more than makes up for it in other areas.

@sleepdoc “Bad oral” can be a “teachable moment” to turn it into “good oral” if the communication and willingness is there.

@Dibley I agree with you bf, but I don’t think I’d ever get any oral if I didn’t ask.

”@Dibley I agree with you bf, but I don’t think I’d ever get any oral if I didn’t ask.” Does that mean you’re trying to mold him into something he doesn’t want to be molded into? I mean, does he enjoy it? If you feel as though you would never get it unless you asked than it doesn’t sound like it’s something he enjoys doing.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

@Axemusica Does that mean you’re trying to mold him into something he doesn’t want to be molded into? No
I mean, does he enjoy it? He told me he does enjoy giving me oral sex.
I’m not always in the mood to give him oral sex, but I do it anyway. And I expect oral in return. He can’t just receive.

@Violet does he really enjoy it and not just telling you what you want to hear? I’ve been in a horrible relationship where I would be annoyed, verbally and physically abused to the point of me having to lash out, because I “wasn’t in the mood” for sex in general (well most of the time it was because of this. Other times I had no idea why). In the end I just eventually gave her what she wanted (with really no satisfaction for myself) just to avoid the huge event I knew would ensue if I didn’t.

You shouldn’t have to ask and you shouldn’t have to give if you’re not in the mood. Granted it should be made clear what your likes and dislikes are, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to drink the water you’ve lead him to, but does to try and make you happy.

@Axemusica I understand what you’re saying. I don’t throw temper tantrums about sex/oral sex. I know I shouldn’t have to ask. But, he can’t get away with never giving. I’m not ok with that. My approach for asking for oral is different now (after all of the great advice I’ve received on fluther). I’ll ask him if he’s in the mood to give me oral, or if he’d rather do it the next night. If he says the next night, I’m ok with it.

@Violet Do you have to ask for other sexual things? Some guys like to be told what pleases their lady and what her desires are at that moment. I prefer that myself; I know that I’m doing the right thing that way.

@Violet “I’ll ask him if he’s in the mood to give me oral, or if he’d rather do it the next night. ” You have to ask!?!?! (near fainting) You should never have to ask. He should be chomping at the bit to nibble at your tasty taco (if it were not shaped like a taco it would not be meant to be snacked on). :-D

@stranger_in_a_strange_land yes, I do have to ask. He said he likes it when I’m dominant in the bedroom.
@Hypocrisy_Central yes : (

@Violet – That’s a crying shame that you have to ask for oral. That, for me, would be a deal breaker. I had one GF years ago who loved for me to give her oral, and I loved giving it to her. She would even demand it sometimes (and, yes, that turned me on). But I often had to beg her to give me oral, and most of the time she refused. She said that was “wasting it.” That relationship didn’t last, and I think she’s the reason that I decided to become a “dominant”...

Therefore, you have two alternatives…

1.) Accept a life with less oral than you’d like.

2.) Become the dominant in your home and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he IS going to give you oral whenever you’re in the mood for it, whether he is or not.

@HungryGuy I like option #2 : )

@Violet – Then do it!!! Unless he’s a dominant, himself, without realizing it (as was I once), he’ll be so turned on by it that you’ll BOTH be deliriously happy with the new order AND you’ll get all the oral you want!

@HungryGuy Even if he was a dominant you can’t be chief if you have no indians, so even the one in charge has to consider those who are following or as Metallica say you will point your finger but there will be no one around and you will end up being King Nothing. :-)

@Hypocrisy_Central – I don’t see that she has much to lose by asserting her dominance. She wants oral, and she’s not getting oral. If she tries the dominant route and he bails out of the relationship, she’s no worse off than she was with him. And then she’s free to search for someone more sexually compatible, whether in a D/s relationship or a vanilla one.

@HungryGuy True….....I was speaking more on his part because he seem to believe she had to almost beg. You spoke to him thinking that was so because he may have had the ideal of being the dominant and thus not having to take her needs into account. :-)

@Hypocrisy_Central – Ah! No, I was telling Violet that she needs to become the dominant and to train him to be her submissive. Since he won’t take her needs into account, if she wants to keep him and get the oral that she needs, then she needs to make him her slave :-)

@HungryGuy Ohhhhhhhhh…........I see now…........... Slave or not he should always be hungry to lap at her honey :-) I may get skinned for saying but my gal have to beat me off it with a stick, she don’t have to ask once and if anything beg me to leave it alone.

@Violet You might not have to go quite so far as @HungryGuy s suggestion #2 (unless you both enjoy such). If he’s not into the submissive role, you might scare him away. We relied on very open and explicit communication. This was especially important to me; with mild Aspergers Syndrome I have difficulty accurately reading nonverbal cues (although I got better at it over the years). Also, in a three-way relationship, open communication is vital to the point of having formal “family meetings” to air and discuss liitle problems before they became major ones.

You might find a happy compromise in agreeing that you will be dominant only in the bedroom. This was my lady Meghans role. Although she preferred the sub role, things proceeded according to her rules. I believe that’s known as “topping from the bottom”. I would find myself in the position of “referee” when Meg and Gen got into BDSM games, since Gen had a tendency to get carried away and Meg had trouble expressing her limits when deep in “subspace”. I tend to be very conservative about SM; Meg could relax and enjoy her play knowing that her “protector” was watching out for her. The three of us would discuss the scope and limits of the session beforehand; my role being to see that they were not exceeded, to warn or stop if necessary. We also had a rule that anyone who inflicted “too much” would have the same inflicted on him/her.

I see that, once again, I’ve greatly exceeded the scope of the question. My apology.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land – That’s all very good advice :-) You’re right, if Violet wants to enslave her man without scaring him away at the beginning of his slave training, she’ll need to be very subtle and with finesse.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your advice. The oral my bf is giving me just keeps getting better and better. It’s amazing now.

Hooray! Fluther success!

I second that motion.

Fluther creates another lip smacking cration hee hee hee…...........

Lip smacking is always good, (all lips).