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Harrow185's avatar

How to deal with a drunk mother?

Asked by Harrow185 (298points) February 16th, 2010

I need help, I just don’t know what to do anymore with my mom. If your just going to have a wise ass comment don’t even bother helping me.. I’m not in the mood to deal with anyone being rude. My moms pretty close to being a alcoholic, she drinks every single day when she gets home from work -gets drunk, picks fights with me and my sister, goes to bed. Every time my mom drinks she finds a new problem that she can yell at us for. She tells her boyfriend and he just agrees that what she does is right. I try to talk to my friends but none of my friends go threw what I go through, I can’t relate to anyone. I talk to my older brother who just tells me to stay in my room. But I’m sick of staying in my room and getting yelled at. She threw her car keys at me like a hour ago for laughing, the car keys just missed my face and hit the window which is now cracked. Her boyfriend said he wished they hit me. Please help, what can I do? I just don’t know anymore

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19 Answers

asmonet's avatar

Please go here (Al Anon and Alateen). I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Get your extended family involved, talk to someone.

If you tell me what state you live in, I can give you some more detailed information.

Jude's avatar

@asmonet the link doesn’t work.

asmonet's avatar

@jmah Try again. :)

Harrow185's avatar

@jmah just delete the /english part

Haleth's avatar

Wow, that’s terrible. Is there any responsible adult you can talk to? This is way too big for you or your brother to take care of on your own. If your mom and her boyfriend talk to you this way, they probably won’t take you seriously if you tell them you need to stop drinking. Kids should never have to deal with stuff like this. Talk to a teacher, a counselor, a relative, or one of your friends’ parents. Even if they can’t help you, they can find you help better than you can on your own.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Asmonet’s link to Alanon/Alateen is excellent. Go there. This is a group of people who know exactly how you feel.

Most importantly for you right now, be safe. If that means leaving your house, do it. Go to a police station or fire station and tell them your problem. I don’t know where you are, but if you’re in the US, they have to help you.

If you’re safe for tonight, then find someone to talk to today or tomorrow. I don’t know how old you are, but if you’re still in school or even university, talk to a counsellor. If you’re older than that, call a church. Call someone.

Your safety is #1.

You’re doing the right thing by reaching out for help. Keep reaching.

p8prclip's avatar


Harrow185's avatar

That’s wicked funny. This isn’t a serious matter or anything.. ?

asmonet's avatar

@p8prclip: Wrong time, wrong place. Shoo.

Edit for your edit: Interventions are generally very hard, require a great deal of support from all members of the family and for them to be successful the person having problems has to be open to it. Generally, it’s also best to have someone there running the meeting who is an experienced addictions counselor to keep emotions in check and direct people as necessary in a positive way. The OP’s family is not supportive, she would have no help. And to find a counselor she would first need resources. Simply stating an event that would likely come after many other attempts to help does nothing to inform or help the OP.

p8prclip's avatar

Sorry…got some family problems of my own. No harm intended.

asmonet's avatar

@p8prclip: Me too. No hard feelings. :)

mrentropy's avatar

I agree with Al-Anon and Alateen. I didn’t go through this growing up, but I’m going through the pain of dealing with an alcoholic now and I know what it does to kids.

Frankly, if you have family members that are nearby so it doesn’t disrupt your life too much, I’d ask to stay with them. I think it’s getting pretty bad when you’re getting things thrown at you (been there) and you can get hurt. And it sounds like you need to get away from her boyfriend, in a very bad and quick way.

An intervention isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but as @asmonet pointed out, there are some short-comings there. I don’t really believe they work, either.

Indeed, after doing a bit of research on the subject and talking to other people who have been involved with addicts I think there are a number of personality traits that they share. Lying and not being sorry are two of them.

Darwin's avatar

Al-anon and Alateen are indeed two useful options. So is talking to an adult family member who does not share your mother’s problems. If you have no other source of back up, then you need to talk to a teacher or counselor at school. By law they need to report this sort of abuse to CPS, which will then step in and monitor the situation. If necessary, they may even remove you from your house, but while traumatic, it will protect you from being hit next time, or being molested by the boyfriend.

You need to get out of there and find a place where you can be safe. Your mother will not change unless she wants to, and even then she will have a very difficult road.

YARNLADY's avatar

Get in touch with the Red Cross and ask them to help you arrange an alternative place to stay. They will put you in touch with the proper agency. My son married a woman who went to live with Mary House when she needed the same kind of help you need.

The name is local, so I don’t know what the shelter would be called in your area.

mrentropy's avatar

However, don’t be surprised if other family members are also in denial and refuse to believe she has a problem. Sometimes that’s a long road to travel, too. But it’s still worth a shot.

Merriment's avatar

First of all I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Secondly, if your mother is drinking everyday and it is affecting her life (meaning making her children frightened and/or miserable) she is an alcoholic. Not just nearly one.

The importance in recognizing this fact is that it is better for you to understand that you aren’t dealing with your mother, you are dealing with her addiction. And you aren’t dealing with an asshole boyfriend, you are dealing with an enabler.

There is little you can do to actually change an alcoholic who doesn’t want to be changed. And there is less than nothing that you can do to change the actions of a dedicated enabler.

If you have extended family who have any influence over your mother you could talk to them. Realistically, (as in been there done that) this may do as much harm as good. Only you can decide if you mother would be open to hearing about how her drinking is affecting you kids from another adult.

Where is your father in this equation? If he is still in the picture he has the best chance of forcing the issue by suing for custody.

If nothing else seek out a school counselor or other trusted adult to whom you can talk to about this. It is important too that you kids stick together. What a raging drunk will do to one child alone is very different to what they will do in front of an audience who is saying “Mom, you’re out of line”. Yes, she will be pissed at both of you but she is far less likely to “take” both of you on at once. Even drunks know piss poor odds and will back down, at least for the moment.

Harrow185's avatar

Thank you all so much, it really helps just talking to anyone even someone I’ve never met before. I’ll consider talking to my school counselor, until then I’ll stick together with my sister definitely. Thanks again : )

Merriment's avatar

@Harrow185 – Anytime at all you want to Private Message me I am all ears. I’ve lived through what you are talking about and have very realistic ideas of just how much you can actually change as a child stuck in that situation. That you have been able to express this, even to “strangers” is a good thing. This isn’t your shame or your secret. Best of luck to you and your family.

TheJoker's avatar

I can empathise. My mum was an alcoholic throughout my teenage years, fortunately for me she tended to facus her anger on my older brother, who adopted the strategy of hardly ever being in the house. The only thing I can really recommend is to get as many people involved as you can. Friends, family, social services etc At the time we were abroard so had no one to turn to, & I suspect this might have helped.

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