Social Question

Blackberry's avatar

What's your opinion on statements like these?

Asked by Blackberry (31067points) February 18th, 2010

Do you think people (or us as a society, whatever) mean it when we say things like: “I don’t need anything from you, I just want you…”, or “You don’t have to get me anything, I don’t need big presents to be with you” etc etc.?

I mean of course we could say all of these things to make us sound like we’re in a relationship for genuine reasons, but doesn’t it seem like we must offer something of material value in a relationship?

I have no problem buying gifts and presents and such to show love, but when some people say they don’t need that stuff at all, I feel like they are just lying or are disillusioned or something. You know they are going to want something right? I would like to hear your opinions, thank you :)

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

26 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

The only things of value that really matter in a relationship is truth and honesty…without them all the trinkets in the world won’t make it work.

marinelife's avatar

I don’t think that they do necessarily want things. I think they just want their love returned.

I think you must have been burned in relationships in the past.

wundayatta's avatar

Well, call me cynical, but I think giving stuff is putting people under an obligation. They feel like they have to reciprocate, even though they may not want to. So when you tell someone not to give you shit, it means you don’t want to be under that obligation.

In addition, some of us are terrible at figuring out what to get people. I, personally, hate shopping. I’d like to think that my presence is enough, but I guess not. People expect shit, and if you don’t give it, then you get written off. I spend a lot of time trying to find people who aren’t interested in stuff, and are more interested in me.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Gifts are nice, but they don’t take the place of affection, caring and love. I’d rather be secure in the knowledge that my partner cares for and loves me than to have things.

philosopher's avatar

I think this person wants you to believe certain things about them.
(1) They can get anything material they need or want on their own. (2) They care about you and not what you can provide for them.
You have to figure out if this is true. Can you trust them?
Everyone wants some type of president. Humans need each other. Presidents make us feel cared about.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

My opinion is that you’re meeting the wrong people ;)

ucme's avatar

What’s with all these questions? I really don’t need to be aked any right now thanks.

whatthefluther's avatar

They can very well be sincere in advising they require no material gifts from you. If they are unappreciative of the gifts you do give them, refrain from the practice. You’ll find out soon enough just how sincere they really were and can modify your behavior or your relationship to correspond to that outcome. See ya…..Gary/wtf

philosopher's avatar

I agree but sharing time is a gift.
I cook good meals that is a gift. I also buy my Husband’s clothes and take care of our home.
I wish he would buy me things more often. Things I feel guilty buying. Sometimes he surprises me.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I’ll echo what @marinelife wrote in that I believe people want more than anything that their love be returned. Presents between two secure people are fine but a person who says, “you don’t have to give me blah blah blah…” is after something emotional from you, they want an affirmation from you or a declaration declaration of more serious feelings.

Trillian's avatar

@Blackberry I’m so glad that you in particular asked me this. If we keep working together, we may be able to pull you out of your current disillusionment about the female half of the species.
There are five “love languages” that people speak, and everyone has a primary one. They are, in no particular order: 1 Quality time 2. Words of affirmation 3. Gifts 4. Acts of service 5. Physical affection
Now, if you think about it long enough, you can figure out what your primary love language is. For example, if your primary is words of affirmation, then you really like to hear your partner praise you, or say positive things about you/the relationship. When this happens enough, your “love tank/account” fills up. You are in return more likely to be willing to speak the language of your partner. You can determine what it is by paying attention to what language she speaks. If she gives you impulse gifts, then that may be her primary. If she is more into spending quality time with you, guess what? So don’t be hesitant to address this head on with her. She may not need gifts, it is not her love language. She really may speak a different language. Good luck!
PS. As a final note, I’d like to just throw this out there because of some comments you’ve made in the past. You seem to have had some pretty bad experiences with women. I’d just wonder what your initial selection process is. Do you find a girl in the bar and jump right in? How long do you get to know a woman before spiritually binding yourself to her with the physical act of sex? Please don’t take this as a judgment, just noting that being slow to jump into the sack is often a good thing if said sackee is to be relationship fodder. If you’re just looking for a one nighter, it doesn’t matter, but long term requires more discernment in the initial stages for a successful relationship.

Blackberry's avatar

@Trillian Makes a lot of sense, the love language.

As for my past relationship, I already know of my mistakes, now I’m just recovering from them lol. I did jump into a relationship, it wasn’t at a bar, but I just jumped into it extremely fast and let the other person determine the course of the relationship because I trusted them.

I wasn’t asking this question because of a particular situation, but I’ve heard it a number of times and I’m trying to decipher what it could really mean by the people that say it and what comes from it.

Trillian's avatar

@Blackberry Roger that shipmate. You can’t generalize something like that though. It would mean something different from each individual, and for different reasons. Good luck, and have a fine, fine, navy day.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@Blackberry: I received a link one day to the languages of love, really interesting and makes some good sense. Got me convinced love might not be less, just different in expression and I agree with @Trillian that once a particular “love tank” is filled then there is a feeling of ease, of being on the same page. An example I have is between my partner and I: He spoils me with many outings and goodies and says, “I treat you like a queen” which is true but I happen to pressure him for deeper emotional affirmations which isn’t his style, he’s not a word guy. We still have love.

Silhouette's avatar

Some people really mean it, others don’t. I saw a question here, a girl told her boyfriend she didn’t want anything for Valentines Day but she had a list of goodies in mind and she was hoping he’d intuit she secretly wanted them. I don’t know how you tell them apart until the day arrives and they don’t get the “surprise” they are hoping for, look for moping.

john65pennington's avatar

Ever heard of reverse psychology? your question hit this right on the head. people say things in reverse, in order to achieve their end result. think about this.

A woman can sometimes say NO, when in reality, they mean yes. life is confusing and i see you are still confused. i am here to help.

Blackberry's avatar

@john65pennington Lol, Yeah you’re right, thanks a lot.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

Well, turn it around: What material things do you want from your beloved? Gifts? Cash? What kind of “stuff” from her would make you feel better about her or about the relationship?

I want far, far more than that. I want her presence, her attention, her love and admiration. Trinkets be damned.

Trillian's avatar

@CyanoticWasp, so your love language is probably quality time. Awesome.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@philosopher – I agree, doing things and sharing time are also gifts, but I think the OP is asking, though, in terms of actual material goods given to someone to show love.

Janka's avatar

I think some people probably just say it because they wish it was true, and some people really mean it. Figuring out which sort of person you are dealing with might turn out to be a challenge. :)

Val123's avatar

I don’t need them. And that’s the truth!

Silhouette's avatar

@Blackberry I should have lurved you earlier.Its never too late, I’ll do it now.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Do we all want stuff, sometimes? Yes, of course we do. But when we say the statements you mentioned in the details, we mean it despite our wants because we understand that sometimes it’s not about the presents and that sometimes one can’t afford presents and other expenses come first and that sometimes you’d rather just have them there.

YARNLADY's avatar

The most important thing in any relationship is trust, in a tie with communication. When there is any doubt, talk it over. See what s/he really means. None of us are mind readers.

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther