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GentleDiplomat's avatar

I feel like am losing my best friend, how can I get them back?

Asked by GentleDiplomat (76points) February 19th, 2010

I have been friends with my best friend for more than 12 years. Just recently we have drifted apart, because we have started our “grown up lives.” She moved in with her boyfriend, and works, goes to school etc, so do exept for the moving in the boyfriend part. I stilllive with my family. These last months it she has not make the effort to make time for us to hang out. It ‘s me making the effort to make arrangements for us to hang out with fruitless results. I feel in a away we don’t share similar things in common anymore like we did. I don’t have a large circle of friend, neither does she. How can I get my best friend back? Maybe she needs space to adjust to her new lifestyle ? But she has forgotten about me for several months now. The last time I saw her was because I went to her house.

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8 Answers

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Nullo's avatar

By pulling the strings tighter! :P
But seriously, you might try talking about it.

Jeruba's avatar

@GentleDiplomat, I’m afraid that when one friend moves into a couples lifestyle and the other doesn’t, it is hard for them to stay close. She is now thinking in terms of an “us” that doesn’t include you. For some reason many couples just want to socialize with other couples. Also she may now feel privately that she has moved on into a new phase of her life and left you behind, and so you have less in common.

These things don’t have to be true, not any of them, but she may have fallen into that way of thinking just the same. If there is still a strong bond between you, it should be possible for you to talk about it. She should not have to break all her old ties in order to enjoy her new one. But you may also have to accept that things are just not going to be the same any more.

Your best bet, I think, is to look forward, not back, continue to be interested and interesting, and avoid clinging. If she feels great being with you and enjoys your time together, all the more reason to keep up. If she ends up feeling pressured or guilty, she’ll avoid you.

Zen_Again's avatar

@Jeruba – * sigh * wrote: For some reason many couples just want to socialize with other couples. When a couple decides to go out, hang out or whatever – with what little time they have to do so – they choose carefully – often opting for a social situation which will work ideally for both. If said person isn’t friends with – or worse – with one of the couple… well… they’ll just hang with the Joneses instead. N’est ce pas?

Cruiser's avatar

Her new more adult like life is a whirlwind for her….soon enough the dust will settle and she will be looking for those little things like friends to help her regain a connection to days gone by. Get used to having to plan these times together even if it is months in between seeing each other.

marinelife's avatar

The short and sad answer is that you can’t. You can’t get your best friend back if she does not want to be gotten.

You can try openly telling her, “Hey, I miss you, and I miss out time together.” You can say, “I love doing things with you and Bob, but I liked talking when it was just us one-on-one together sometimes too. How about a shopping trip?”

Then you will just have to see how she responds. One way she may respond is not to respond. In any case, you had best adjust to a change in the relationship.

Jeruba's avatar

@Zen_Again <smile> Thanks for amplifying that part. It’s a little mysterious to me because I would not have married a man who thought that we couldn’t function as individuals. We have some shared interests and some separate. We have mutual friendships with a very few couples, and I have friendships that he does not share and vice versa. There has always been a place for single friends in my life. So I know it is very possible to maintain the character and texture of your friendships as a married person. It isn’t a contest.

But when you’re as young as the OP and her friend, the divide between the paired and the unpaired can seem very great. @marinelife is right: change in this relationship is inevitable. It has already happened.

Silhouette's avatar

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.”
— Kahlil Gibran

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