General Question

Justnice's avatar

what do you think about a teenage girl dating a guy who is 20 years older than her?

Asked by Justnice (920points) March 4th, 2008 from iPhone
Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

35 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

It doesn’t bother me if she is over 18. But, I would just be prepared for things like, “That is so cool you are still going to a movie with your dad.”

annaott22's avatar

love has no boundries. Until the law finds out especially if she’s under 18. But who am I to judge I think Sean Connery is a hot old man an he’s got to be 20 years older than me….

squashedant's avatar

I am 12 years older than my girlfriend and she loves it!

kevbo's avatar

Can I go next? ;-)

Seriously, I think everyone should have a relationship with someone older. As I’ve said many times on Fluther, my gf is 15 years older than I, and it’s been one of the best things for me.

Poser's avatar

I think it’s a bad idea. A thirty year old dating a fifty year old is one thing. But there is such a huge difference between an 18 year old and a 38 year old that it’s bound to cause problems.

cwilbur's avatar

If she’s over 18, it’s up to her.

Myself, I’d wonder about what’s screwed up with the older guy that stops him from finding companionship and fulfillment in people his own age.

Sneakerfreak503's avatar

I agree with love has no boundaries but really just 1 word comes 2 mind, illegal.

paulc's avatar

Just be aware that the guy is probably in it for one thing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that on either side – its impossible to control who you’re attracted to. Just don’t expect to have much to talk about.

djbuu's avatar

Dating is just that…. Dating! All that matters is a good time.

artemisdivine's avatar

in canada, you can date a kid who is 14 or over as long as they are not their teacher or in a position of authority. of course the guy is only into it for one thing – cause who WOULDNT want to be hitting that while they are in their thirties. but kids can get all the information they need to make informed decisions. some just wanna get out of the house. some wanna get pregnant. some just want to feel cool.

bulbatron9's avatar

Sounds pretty nasty to me. Twenty years is a long time. These people sound like they need to really think about how screwed up this situation is. This elder probably lost his virginity five years before she was born. Nasty! Nasty! Nasty! Poser and cwilbur know what’s up!

squirbel's avatar

I’d sic her dad on him and deny anything happened. ;)

Zaku's avatar

I’m concerned for the teenage girl, and for whatever both of them might not be clear about.

Justnice's avatar

what if I say I’m really mature for my age. More than any of you would imagine. And I love the guy and he loves me very much.

squirbel's avatar

Every teenager believes they are mature for their age.

Poser's avatar

You claim to be more mature than any of us would imagine, yet you admitted in another question that the man in question is the father of your ex-boyfriend, and that you only dated your ex-boyfriend to get closer to his father. Not signs of great maturity.

Further, you claim you love the man, yet you intentionally hurt his son to get what you wanted. Loving someone means more than just liking the way they make you feel. Loving someone requires taking responsibility for your actions regarding them and those they love. You are oblivious to how your actions affect those around you, and are only interested in getting what you want. Also not a sign of great maturity.

Further, this man has issues of his own. Forget the age difference—he’s willing to ruin his relationship with his son, hurting him greatly in the process, just to get what he wants. Strike three—you’re out.

Zaku's avatar


I believe you are mature for your age. I believe you feel you love him and that you believe he loves you.

You’re 19 and as a (barely) grown woman you may do what you choose. You asked what we think, and I’d still be concerned for you, even without knowing he’s your ex’s dad. That detail though makes me confident that something is up. I can imagine someone your age knowing why they are dating the person they are dating, but I don’t see a sign that you do (feeling love is a result, not a cause). My confident guess is you are “asking for trouble” (your other question), and you don’t see why. This is actually how most adult people operate their lives (not seeing what they’re up to) only you’re doing it in a dramatic and potentially very upsetting way. I think you and those around you will be happier when/if you figure out what you’re up to.

Consulting others is actually one of the best ways to figure yourself out (because part of you is afraid for you to figure yourself out), but you need to listen to what the people you consult say, and be willing to at least consider that what they say might be a worthwhile viewpoint to consider.

maggiesmom1's avatar

It totally depends on whether or not the teenager is over the age of consent. If not, there are only 2 words.

Justnice's avatar

well I am over 18 and I understand what everybody is saying but I also believe that if you love someone, you should fight for that person. At this point, I realize that a lot of people will get hurt and lose respect for me but I know that I love this man despite our age difference.

kevbo's avatar

Then why did you ask?

(Okay, I know this is snarky, but I’m just saying.)

bulbatron9's avatar

You have got to know that this is never going to work. Walk away, and never look back.

Besafe's avatar

At your age I doubt you know what real love is. It is far more than a feeling and more about shared values and interests than the physical pleasure each receives from the other. #1 consult with your parents. # 2 go out together with people your age- if it is really

Justnice's avatar

well I can’t go out with people my age cause they are really immature. I cant ask my parents because my mom was a teen when she married my dad who was in his thirties. And I know that love isn’t just a feeling. I think we both understand eachother. We respect our differences. I love everything about this man and its not all about the physical. I love the way he is. He’s real like me. He’s not afraid to say whats on his mind. He treats me like I want to be treated.

kevbo's avatar

@besafe: what you’re talking about is compatibility, and we don’t need to be 45 to know what real love may or may not be.

Besafe's avatar

Exactly—at 20 years difference once the love sickness leaves she will find they are on totals different pages in life and cultural values. 1Cor 13 love can overcome that but her responses suggest that isn’t that kind of love. Thanks for the C S Lewis ref.

kevbo's avatar

You can certainly apply that argument to people of similar age as well.

Besafe's avatar

Agreed. ESP in our if it feels good society that no longer believes in absolutes and has little apreciation of the four loves Lewis talks about.

kevbo's avatar

More about absolutes, if you’re interested. I assume we’ll be agreeing to disagree. To me, if you peel back the curtain on belief in absolutes, what you see is repression and control.

I also acknowledge that I may be missing your nuance on the four loves. My point was the plurality.

Zaku's avatar

@Justnice: Have you considered that you’ve recreated the age situation of your parents’ relationship and what that’s about? What was your experience of your parents’ relationship?

Justnice's avatar

their relationship was wonderful when they were young. Theyre both old now mom is 60 dad is 75 :) but that has nothing to do with my relationship

annaott22's avatar

if your 19 then I would be ok with it ( thank god she’s not 15) 20 years is not that big of a deal to me even though I’m married I’m attracted to older men its not wrong I’d have to say that the way you went about starting the relationship is a little off but if you love him the way you say you do then hopefully it will work out:)

Zaku's avatar

@justnice: I think I would’ve said the same thing at 19: “the past has nothing to do with my current relationship.” Years later, I saw really clearly that part of me had been trying to replay the past. You could be doing it totally by coincidence… Do you not think that your parents gave you a model for what a good relationship looks like? I don’t mean there’s anything wrong with that. Just, your closest view of a working love relationship was probably theirs, no? So maybe that just makes older guys seem like something workable, and makes younger “immature” guys seem unworkable. BTW of course there do exist guys who are wise beyond their years too – you know that of course since you know it’s not really about age. Maybe consider too that older guys look more mature to you because you’re 19. As an older man, the 38-year-old dating the 19-year-old after she dated his son, so far doesn’t look very mature to me for his age. If I were totally stricken by a 19-year old at 38, it seems to me I’d feel called to help her find happiness with someone younger, and would not trust myself to get romantic with her and have it not be a self-indulgence.

Though that’s just the age part. Seems to me the other thread makes it something else altogether.

Ldurant's avatar

I am also a 19-year-old woman in a relationship with a 38-year-old man. This may be surprising, but we do have a lot in common. We have a similar career path (although, admittedly, he has accomplished much more), we’re both very left-brain and have long conversations about math and scientific theory, and we’re both very athletic and work out together nearly every day. Although it is probably not common, there is a such thing as a healthy relationship with a significant age discrepancy.

That said, the fact that this man is the father of your ex tells me that this is not one of them. My partner does not have children, and I believe that if he did have kids my age it would be very awkward and make the relationship much more questionable.

My two cents would be to terminate the relationship ASAP, however I know from experience that it is nearly impossible to stop being attracted to someone.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

I believe what I think about this will rankle many and get their panties in a bunch. True love undisguised as lust is hard enough and hardly inclusive to a particular age. In many parts of the world it happens plenty. People on this thread seem to be stuck with the de facto legal age of 18. Many don’t seem to know the big secret that in about 40% of US states the legal age is 16 oh my goodness!! We better not let that out. The average age of consent world wide is between 15–16 (lets not let people know that they might think the world is too deviant).

If a person 16–18 can be trusted to command a 3,200lb petro laden land missile (which often gets mixed with alcohol) many can navigate a relationship. Some will make mistakes but then many way pass their 20s make mistakes also. I say if they want to go for it, more power to them, the rest of the people should worry about saving their own relationships and butt out of those of other people who want to be together.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther