I find the general consensus that there is some kind of duplicity going on rather disturbing. I know that there are ways to fool people online, but I don’t think it’s possible when you spend a lot of time with someone—either on the phone or in chat or email. I guess it depends on what kind of conversations you have, but surely they get to a significant level when you spend so much time together?
I ask myself if a person’s story holds together. I think most people have a pretty good nose for inconsistency. If it’s there, you’ll have questions. Things the other person says won’t sound right. Two or three years ago, I met someone irl. I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head—scaring myself. Maybe she was some kind of weirdo who would take me home and shackle me to the wall. (She finds this so hysterical, but it’s what I thought could happen).
In any case, I thought about her story—work, family, history, life adventures and so on. I thought about whether she seemed sincere about what she believed. Was there anything that she seemed to refuse to talk about, or that she guided the conversation away from? I decided that it held together, and indeed, we have become good friends. Most of that is because of a shared experience with mental illness.
I’ve never met anyone else, but I have spoken with some on the phone or over the internet. I don’t get the sense that anyone is hustling me.
Maybe it’s because of the gender I am. Maybe women, on average, are more up front than men are. Women certainly seem to complain about how men done them wrong more often than men complain about women.
But I’ve had people get angry with me or scared of me and cut things off, either suddenly or gradually, sometimes with explanations, and sometimes suddenly with no explanation at all. It was hard, every time. It would have a big effect on my life. And before I had a therapist, there was no one who was always available to talk to about it.
In your situation, @sawyergirl, I would go through my memories of the discussions I’d had. I’d look for inconsistencies. If I didn’t find any, and if I concluded he was on the level, then I would try to calm myself and wait. At some point, he will probably show up. The one time someone disappeared like that on me, she showed up a month later, and it turned out her father had died. It was too late by then. But it didn’t have to be too late, had I handled it differently.
I know it’s hard, but try to put him on a shelf somewhere. Mentally speaking. Move on with your life, but put that part in stasis, just in case he comes back, and in case there is a good explanation.
Have you asked your friend who introduced you? Maybe he or she has some idea. You should ask him or her again about your friends marital status. Or is there some reason you can’t talk to that person?
Do you have any other friends in common? Have you seen him do anything on the place you met him? Has he unfriended you anywhere? He has to leave tracks, and you don’t have to be a stalker to follow those tracks. If he is leaving no tracks anywhere, then it is more likely that something really unexpected happened in the real world. If you see his presence, that’s another story.
Anyway, take care of yourself. Talk to your friends. I’m sure they care and will hold your hand, either in reality or online, when they can. fluther is a good place for that kind of thing. Welcome!
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