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frigate1985's avatar

What is the most polite and effective way of rejecting a would-be date that wouldnt hurt the other's feelings?

Asked by frigate1985 (922points) February 20th, 2010 from iPhone

Recently, a friend of mine who is a female started making these little advancements to me with things like small physical contacts, very very hard to detect hidden meanings etc etc… She and I used to go out and have fun not like dating but as friends do and well the last time the whole thing started to turn a bit like a date and I’m kind of worried because I happen to have a crush on another girl and I really like this friend and dont want to hurt her feelings…I tried everything from extra classes, appointments, exams etc and well at some point Ill run out of stuffs to say and then we’d be on a probably would-be-date night outs and all that.

Sorry for writing such a long question. The short and condensed idea is this : Id like to get help in making a polite, effective rejection that doesnt hurt the other’s feelings.

PS : advices also help. Plz help me im real worried…and yeah my itouch was in a mess so i couldnt come to fluther for a while srry…

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41 Answers

frigate1985's avatar

Oh and yeah I know her feelings towards me because of intel gathered by my friends who know her friends..

Ivy's avatar

You can gamble your friendship with little white lies or opt for the truth. In the end, the truth is always less hurtful and more honorable.

TheLoneMonk's avatar

edited by me

frigate1985's avatar

@Dracool Is that all i can do? Either gamble or truth? The former…well we are close friends and all that..and the latter…well i really hate breaking her heart…

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I wouldn’t say anything to her unless she makes a direct move.When she does,just explain to her that you’re not interested in that kind of relationship with her.It’s simple and direct and not hurtful in any way! So just tell her you very bad man! just kidding,I am sure she’ll be fine;)

frigate1985's avatar

@TheLoneMonk huh? What does tht mean??

dpworkin's avatar

You need to talk to her in a conversational way, explain that you enjoy her company and you have fun with her, but you are starting to develop serious feelings for someone else, and that you want to see where that goes, and that dating more than one woman is confusing to you. She’ll get it, and you might be able to salvage a nice friendship.

(Not only will she get it, but she will respect your honesty and your moral position.)

frigate1985's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille hmmm thats what im working on but how sad would she be when I just reject her like that? :(
and no rejection methods to the dates ??

frigate1985's avatar

@dpworkin hmmm how bout I say somethin like, after a bit of chitchat “hey I like xxx and Im
kinda nervous around her…”??is this good too?

frigate1985's avatar

So the general consensus is that I tell the truth…? Aww geez I think I’m gonna hate this not to mention regret :( :(

dpworkin's avatar

I don’t think she wants to hear how you feel about someone else. She wants to hear how you feel about her, which means, positive, but bad timing. She has enough imagination to fill in the details about your heart skipping little beats.

marinelife's avatar

First, you have to get over the idea of hurting her. There is no way that this is not going to hurt her when she has feelings for you, and you don’t have feelings her for her.

What you can do is minimize the hurt. It may surprise you, but you will need to be cruel (direct) to be kind.

I would say something like this when you are out next with her: “I am really glad we are such good friends, because I want to ask your advice about having a crush on XGirl.”

That will leave her in no doubt as to where the two of you stand.

Ivy's avatar

@frigate Do you really think you’ll break her heart .. or just hurt her feelings? This hardly seems like a heart-breaking situation, but then maybe you’re both very young?

frigate1985's avatar

@dpworkin mmkay thats a good idea too. But wed been friends for like 4 years now :( sigh…guess its truth then…

frigate1985's avatar

@Dracool this year we both will become 16…not too young i guess?

TheLoneMonk's avatar

@frigate1985 : I made a lame herpes joke and decided to shit can the answer…

frigate1985's avatar

@marinelife oh…it sounds like a gret idea but im not sure
i have the guts for it…i kind of lack confidence you know…

PandoraBoxx's avatar

At 16, your friend is more valuable and enduring as a friend, than as a girlfriend. You will be interested in, and break up with a lot of girlfriends. You don’t break up with friends. Perhaps explaining your feelings for your friendship in terms of that perspective will make it easier for both of you. If her feelings are undeclared at this point, she has safe space to retreat into and save face.

frigate1985's avatar

@Dracool
woudnt it? I mean if she loves me and all that, she probs would be heartbroken…

marinelife's avatar

@frigate1985 OK, if you don’t have the guts for that, then how about you say something like, “I am sure glad to have you and Brian as friends.” (substitute the name of your best guy friend.)

frigate1985's avatar

@PandoraBoxx
Does undeclared include or
exclude friends other than me??

frigate1985's avatar

@marinelife hmm that could work too but what if she tries to develop our relationship..?maybe then I should go for like “Hey I really need some help from the female perspective” etc etc and go on about crush?

marinelife's avatar

@frigate1985 Yes, that’s the idea!

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Tell her how much you value the friendship you and she have and that you would not want to lie to her but at this time you’d like to keep your relationship as a friendship. Tell her that dating her now would be too confusing for you and you don’t want to risk losing her friendship.

dpworkin's avatar

In my experience, this is a good way to maintain friendships with people you like. Anything that departs from the truth is sure to come out and mess things up later. This way, after a short recovery period, you guys can resume your 4-year-long friendship. I am friends with women who turned me down for dating over 30 years ago. They are some of my very best friends.

Ivy's avatar

@frigate1985 16 is VERY young, and relationships at that age come and go more quickly than the common cold. This is not a heart-breaking situation, and you might consider that you’re attempting to give yourself more power than you actually have.

frigate1985's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence But she didnt make any direct any outright advances towards me and shes only told her feelings to her friends and not to me and shes totally unaware me knowing her feelimgs..

frigate1985's avatar

@dpworkin 30 years! Thats real long wow well if that worked for you maybe i could try for it too…

frigate1985's avatar

@Dracool hmm i never thought i was young when I can have my own car next year? Jk but what was that about giving more power? Not sure if i understood it correctly..

stupid typos

frigate1985's avatar

@plethora
i was thinking abt that too

Marva's avatar

Great answers here, being honest, or being honest only if she makes a move are my favorits. What I would like to add, and this one you can use for all future situations, cut the white lies, not being honest about what you are doing, sneaking around, It’s not good for anyone, being honest is so much easier, takes less energy from you (it takes a lot to hide the truth), if you find the convenient eay to say the truth, people will always appreciate your honesty, and respect your time and actions.
Sound like: “Yeah i’m free today, but I actually really feel like doing_______ with _______, We’ll meet another time, ok?”
You will feel much better, and so will the person you talk to, (usually when you lie, the other can tell that something is off).

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Feel free to play dumb about her feelings. It gets really embarrassing when someone says “I know you have feelings for me, but I only want to be your friend.” Far kinder to say, “I really appreciate the fact that we’re just really good friends, because I want our relationship to last” without going into the whole “William said that Anne said that you said you have a crush on me” things.

If you say something that gives her space of privacy about her feelings for you, then she will recover from her disappointment much faster.

At 16, there is an inclination to tell all of your business to all of your friends. It is far easier to manage your life if you don’t operate in “tell all” mode with your friends. The only thing you really know is this girl acts like she has feelings for you, and you want to stay friends with her without hurting her feelings. Saying nice things about her value as a friend and that’s as far as it goes is really only between the two of you. Don’t treat it as a problem that your friends have to help you manage.

frigate1985's avatar

@PandoraBoxx oh really thank you :) you and other ppl
hav been such a big help Ill see what happens :)

ChaosCross's avatar

“Darling, I love you, but I don’t love you in that way, can’t a man and a woman be happy without intimate love? I’m sorry but I have been thinking about this quite a bit recently, and I have to say that as precious as you are to me, it wouldn’t feel right if we knew each other like that.”

Just put that statement into your own words…And hope she is not on her period…

galileogirl's avatar

1. I have a girlfriend
2, I’m gay

Both are the old “It’s not you, it;s me” excuse

frigate1985's avatar

They either would hurt her feelings or jeopardize the friendship…

thriftymaid's avatar

Tempting, but no.

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