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holloway8's avatar

My girlfriend doesnt know if she want to be with me or not?

Asked by holloway8 (4points) February 22nd, 2010

ok me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a year! it started off great. she used to crave for my attention all the time and i didnt really give it to her. we went through a rough patch of argueing all the time and i raised my hand to her! after that happened things completely changed i fell in love with her way too much i became needy and wanted her to cuddle me and kiss me all the time and it drove her further and further away from me. i could see that there was something on her mind and then last week she told me that she had cheated on me with one of my best friends and they had slept together more than once. i love her that much that i told her i could forgive her and make things work if she wanted to and she agreed but after 2 days i could see she was unhappy so i asked her what is up with you? and she said she doesnt know if she came be with me or not she says she still loves me but a lot has happened and just cant make her mind up! she said that if she wanted it to be over for good then she would just tell me instead of keeping me holding on. so i do know that she is unsure but nothing has changed in the last 5 days she is still the same. i was a bit full on to start with texting her all the time and ringing but that didnt work so i tried playing it cool and didnt bother talking to her for a good few hours and then shes texting me all the time but as soon as i start again she gets angry. i cant walk away from her so at the end of the day im gonna wait it out. i need some help desperately. does it sound like shes going to leave me or get back with me? does she just need some time to herself? what should i do? any help will be much appreciated as im so heartbroken at the moment. thanks xx

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23 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Make up her mind for her and dump her.Life is too short to waste it that way.

holloway8's avatar

i wish i could but its too hard! i love her too much to walk away its gonna be her deciscion simple as. x

partyparty's avatar

You can’t wait forever for something that may never happen. Right now you love her too much, but time will heal.
There are plenty more fish in the sea, don’t waste your life.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@holloway8 -Try to step back from the situation , get out and do some things you enjoy.It sounds like you need a break.

frigate1985's avatar

If you truly love her, which you seem to (I mean, Id dump my gf if she did that (if i had one)), Id be VERY nice to her in all ways and if she asks for something like presents, events, or a date you should do so. Try to have small parties like “anniversary”, “500 days since we became bf gf” etc etc

john65pennington's avatar

I read your lengthly question and immediately came back to one line, “i raised my hand to her”. what exactly did you mean in this one liner?

CMaz's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille – You could not have said it better.

I so hate games.

anon30's avatar

I know it’s hard, to even try and get away from her. it’s hard.
I been through this, but really, it’s pointless.

you could try one option, a “break” just leave her alone, don’t talk to her,
maybe text her once a day a goodmorning, or a goodnight, but thats it.

she needs space, and i know it hurts, but you gonna have to give each other a break, and if you don’t its gonna get so worst that she might WANT to leave you, and your not gonna want to, then she’ll put the police involved, and everything gonna turn into something you didn’t want happen.

you’ll have to just leave her alone, a break. maybe ask her if you & her can take a break apart, and see how it is, trust me you don’t want to beg her to be with you, your gonna have to be strong and let loose.

your gonna be depress, and feel shitty. but maybe, just maybe she’ll miss you, and come back, thats when you show her, you changed.

you have to show her you love her, but don’t be needy, she wants someone who isn’t all over her. “i went through this and sometimes it still hurts

Just give you & her break. don’t keep trying, it’s not gonna work.

marinelife's avatar

You need to get a grip on things.

Is she still cheating on you with this guy?

You need to talk away from her until she decides what she wants. Then, if and only if, she wants you back and she is not cheating should you get together with her again.

Meanwhile, you have a lot of work to do. You need to straighten your head up around the fact that you treated her badly and you “raised your hand to her.”

wundayatta's avatar

You have a classic form of a relationship which involves people being codependent on each other and hooked on the intensity and drama of a love relationship. It is bordering on mental illness.

What happens is one person pursues the other desperately. The other feels smothered, and draws back. The pursuer keeps pursuing and the person who is smothered tried to create more distance. They can do this by abusing drugs or alcohol or, as in your case, by sleeping with someone else.

As soon as the pursuer pulls back, the pursued turns around and comes after you. Then, when you get interested again, she is smothered and pulls back. She needs the drama. She is afraid of being abandoned by you, yet she is also afraid to get too close, lest you abandon her.

If you abandon her, she will chase after you. The pattern can start all over again, with both people switching roles occasionally. It’s classic.

A healthy relationship requires different patterns. You have to learn to trust each other and not be so needy. You have to develop rules that manage your expectations. You probably need help doing this.

However since it sounds like you are young (are you?), I’m sure you’re on your own. This thing will crash and burn at some point—whenever one of you gets hurt enough to quit forever. You could go through round after round of this if you let that happen.

So here’s a few questions. Can you guys get help and learn to have a healthy relationship? If not, how many rounds of this do you want to put yourself through because you are strongly attached to her and your life depends on her (it doesn’t, but that’s how it feels)? How much pain do you want?

You can go through this many times and have the same pain each time. You can cut it off now and have the pain once (although it will be very difficult to resist her entreaties for you to come back). You can figure out how to have a healthy relationship.

Your girlfriend does want to be with you, by the way. She just feels uncomfortable when you get too close, and doesn’t know why (it has to do with her relationship to her parents). You love her, but you are probably more in love with the intensity and the drama than with her. Do you know her really well? Or do you mostly fuck each other? If it is mostly a sexual relationship, then one way to defuse the situation is to stop having sex. Just do other things. If that doesn’t work, then you have to stop the relationship, and not get back together until you have learned how to be intimate—truly intimate, not just sexual.

smokeweedeveryday's avatar

Well cheating is unacceptable.!!!!!!!
You should leave her.

Cruiser's avatar

Dude she told you she cheated with your best friend!!! Do you not have any self esteem at all?? Grab your ankles so I can KYA for you!

holloway8's avatar

i slapped her cause she was in my face screaming over nothing! i have never regretted something so much in my life and it would never happen again cause im too scared to lose her! im 26 and shes 19 shes also got a kid that isnt mine but ive been there for half his life and we love eachother as if we r father and son so thats another thing i could lose in all this! if we got back i would back off and make her crave my attention again and i would give it to her so there wouldnt be any problem there and i know it! i do feel at the moment that my life depends on her being with me but also know time is a great healer and eventually i would get over it! i know i should walk away from her cause she cheated on my me but im willing to forgive her and fuck my mate off cause everyone makes mistakes and in a way i think i pushed her to it by smoothering her. we dont have sex every night, usually every other night though. wundyatta i think u have hit the nail on the coffin i understand everything you have said and you could not be more rite. do you think i should tell her screw thi im not waiting any longer for you i want to leave it there? then not bother texting or phoning her for a few days? do you think she will come around and think wait a minute hes getting over it and thats not what i want’? i need help and im willing to do it aslong as she can do the same! thanks for all the comments their much appreciated

holloway8's avatar

and no she aint cheating on me anymore

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

There is never an excuse to hit like that. You need to get help about that.

holloway8's avatar

it was only a slap! and it would never happen again i dont need help

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

That’s the way it always starts, please, get help about how you express your anger.

holloway8's avatar

this was at the beggining of the relationship before i realised how much i loved her! its all changed now trust me im crazy about this girl

wundayatta's avatar

Yeah, you are crazy about her, and that’s part of the problem.

I can’t make predictions about what will happen. I can’t endorse playing games, either. I just said what I said in case it helped you understand your situation. According to the book I read, the first step in this is to back off. But it has to be a serious backing off, not a strategy to get her back. You guys both have shit to deal with before you can hope to have a stable relationship. I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe a therapist could help.

My preference is to be up front with my wife. I don’t want to act like I’m something I’m not just to get over on her. I want her to be with me because she wants to be. I don’t want to act out the same pattern over and over. Oh well. I’m going to my first love addicts meeting this evening. Maybe I’ll get some greater understanding into my behavior.

evandad's avatar

It’s over. Move on.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

You hit her, she cheated on you.

This is not good for either one of you. Move on.

partyparty's avatar

They always say ‘love is blind’. Try to see things as they REALLY are.
Move on… and quickly!!

BarkelFashions's avatar

Been there, Done that worn the t shirt, Move on if she can’t tell you know she never will

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