Why am I obsessed with finding video of Tillikum the killer whale attacking and killing his trainer at SeaWorld?

I’ve been searching everywhere for video of Dawn Brancheau being killed by the killer whale at SeaWorld.

Apparently lots of other people are too.

Some of the most popular Google searches the past day or two have been:

“killer whale kills trainer footage”
“killer whale kills trainer video 2010”
“killer whale attack video 2010”

So my question is: WHY?

Why am I obsessed with this?
I desperately need to see this video but I don’t know why.
And if you say “that’s because you’re a sick you-know-what”, that’s a pile of you-know-what because if I’m sick then everyone else is too – so it doesn’t make sense to say everyone is sick – if everyone behaves the same way then it’s not a sickness – it’s the norm.

Can someone explain this situation without calling names or using labels that you haven’t thought through?