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Blackberry's avatar

Is it closeminded or rude to not want to date a person with a kid?

Asked by Blackberry (31779points) February 27th, 2010 from iPhone

Just wanted to hear your opinions on people without kids dating people with kids. My personal opinion is that it is very difficult unless both people know: “Hey, I’m ready to settle down if we end up being compatible…”. Just playing the field and not being serious with a single parent seems kind of futile, regardless of whether the parent just wants a fling or a serious relationship.

And for the sake of the question I’m talking about young children that can become confused by a random or multiple man or women coming into their life, I’m sure teens and older kids have an easier time understanding but I know it could be hard for them too.

Do you think it works successfully or is it rare when it does work? I was just having a discussion at work is all and was looking for other insight as well. 360 degrees of insight is what I look for : )

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29 Answers

DarkScribe's avatar

If you have no interest in kids, then it is merely practical.

Kids make demands on relationships that are far greater than when dating a person who is childless. When single I dated both, but it seldom lasted until I met my wife – who had kids (babies at the time). Hence my step children.

dpworkin's avatar

I think refusing to date people with children is one way of diminishing the pleasure that life is offering you.

ubersiren's avatar

If you don’t so much as consider it or give it a try, I think it’s a bit closed minded. It works all the time. It would be a shame to discount a great relationship (with both the parent and child) just because it’s out of your comfort zone. Though, if you’ve considered it and have weighed your pros and cons and just cannot be comfortable with it, then it might do all parties involved a load of good if you just stayed away.

john65pennington's avatar

This is from personal experience as a police officer and a dad. 90% of the time, dating and marrying a man or woman with children, does not work and here is why: for most people its a “ready-made” family and not their own children. the other parent will always be in the picture, simply because its their child, too. this causes many conflicts. the jeaslousy abounds when one or the other remarries. and, its been proven so many times that blood is thicker than water. by this, i mean the mother or fahter is going to protect their blood kin over any married mate. its just natural.

laureth's avatar

I don’t know how often it works – there are many variables, such as “do you like kids?” – if you don’t like kids, or are unwilling to embrace the situation that a child provides, you’re probably not the right sort of person for the parent to be dating anyway. As the kid, I wouldn’t want you to be tolerating me or dealing with the inconvenience of my existence so you can get to the good part of boinking my mom, either.

So, no. If you know you don’t want that experience, don’t go in for that experience. It’s a practical decision, and probably better for the kid too.

Facade's avatar

I see it as avoiding unnecessary conflict and trouble. There are plenty of people out there to date who do not have children.

candide's avatar

I think it’s only close-minded or rude when you categorically don’t date people with kids, but if you face your feelings and think about them and why you feel the way you do, you might find that it is not.

Supacase's avatar

I think it is honest. If you are not ready for that level of commitment then it is best not to lead the mother (or father, depending on the case) or the children on about a possible future together. Don’t waste their time or play with their emotions.

essieness's avatar

I’m 28 and I have dated only a few guys with kids, and they either never saw the kid (we were young) or saw it rarely. So it didn’t really affect our relationship too much. But I’ve never dated a guy who had kids with him full time. When I think about it, I have no idea why. It’s just never occurred to me to date a guy with kids. It was just too far from my realm of daily reality because I don’t have kids and live a life of fun and independence. Maybe I feel like the kids will be a drag? Who knows? I’m going to ponder this some more today though because I think maybe I’m missing out on some good opportunities. I’m glad I read this thread!

Great, and I just got stoned… This oughta be interesting ;)

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I like what @Supacase wrote, it’s fair. If you date a person with kids then you have to think of their feelings and not just yours or your partner’s when your partner is with you.

Just_Justine's avatar

It does work. If you want it to. I mean for me personally I avoided men or women with kids. I just wasn’t “step parent” material. It’s a huge responsibility. For me in the past it would never have worked. It might work for me now, because I am ready to spend time with “kids” and I enjoy them more now my own has grown up.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It’s personal preference.Nothing more,nothing less.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Nope. That is your right and theirs. Just make sure you both know the rules up front.
You reduced the size of your fishing pond but that is ok.

Trillian's avatar

Not at all. If you don’t want to deal with a kid, it’s better not to get involved from the start. I know I wouldn’t do it. Something about a man and his daughters…. And the kid can break you up any time. Any person would put their child first, so you’re just wasting time. I don’t blame you one bit, and I’m, as you know, a girl.

galileogirl's avatar

From the prospective of the childless adult, it is more about being selfish than being rude or closeminded, Think about it, this isn’t a physical, biological or cultural imperative like an attraction to taller people, co-religionists or people of one;s own age, Those choices may make the relationship more feasible.

But I’m not into kids so I won’t date a parent indicates you want a relationship that’s all about you-selfish. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t you should date a person with children. I am just clarifying the kind of person you are.

Now from the perspective of a single parent: Everyone understands your need for companionship and affection but the minute you brought your kids into the world, your needs became secondary to yours. You can’t bring random people into their lives just to have them gone in two months or two years. Casual dates don’t cross your doorway. You don’t move people in who are not going to be permanent. Dates should culminate at their place, no matter how inconvenient.

DrMC's avatar

I think your marital choices is a choice. We hear perpetually about woman’s choice. Now it’s your man’s choice.

Think about the kid. Having one, even a snot is a privilege. Compare the woman saddled with a kid who had the courage to stand out and be different, and raise him, versus the woman that would send it off for adoption or murder it in utero. The woman with a child is a brave, hardy pioneer, who may offer you the same strength.

I think I’d rather not choose the pro-choice one that your question suggest you might.

Remember, some day you will need medical care, and she may be able to exercise her “choice” over you. How many times do I see potential widows highly motivated to end their husband’s life? There is a huge financial incentive when it comes to nursing homes. It creeps me out. Men however are faced with this decision about their spouse too – but I see grown men cry. Women have more practice with this sort of choice.

Keep it in mind. Don’t marry a murderer. You’ll be sorry.

Cruiser's avatar

I see my friends with kids keeping kids out of the equation for obvious reasons. You can discreetly date the person with kids without the kids being part of the early weeks/months of your relationship until you both agree the kids can become part of a strong committed relationship. Kids are valuable assets to that person and most of them don’t bite.

SamIAm's avatar

i’m glad you asked this! i recently met and have begun dating an older man with 2 little kids (7 and 5) ... and i’m only 22, so i’ve been wondering about this. when i first found out he had kids, it was like that fact made me like him… which now seems like an odd reaction.

i think it’s a matter of where you’re at… meaning, if you’re dating someone with kids, are you ready to accept that responsibility? i don’t think that you should discount a person because they have children, you could deny yourself of something wonderful – why risk that? BUT on the other hand, if you know you aren’t ready for having children in your life, then you should probably not date that person – because it’s just going to be harder in the long run.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Single people who are not ready for the responsibility of loving someone else’s children as deeply as you would love your own then please do not date their parents.

Be honest and respectful and bow out with dignity.

casheroo's avatar

I suppose it’s a little close-minded. But, if you don’t want any part of a parenting life style…since the relationship could have potential to become serious, then I think its good to recognize that and not get involved with someone whose child you have no interest in.

Blackberry's avatar

Yeah great answers. Note that I’m not planning to or am in a relation with a single parent, I already know it’s not for me because I’ve already done it awhile ago. I was going to participate in the discussion but I ended up being busy.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

If you are a person that doesn’t want kids, you shouldn’t date single parents. If you do, it’s not up to you to decide whether or not it’s a ‘good idea’ to have ‘many boyfriends’ and all that – it is up to the parent…if they’re not serious about you, they don’t have to bring you into their kids life.

Sophief's avatar

I prefer not to date people with kids, but I didn’t think it would bother me so much. My ex had a 5 year old when we first got together. I tried so hard with her but, understandibly, she didn’t want anyone near her dad. Luckily my current partner doesn’t have any children.

JeffVader's avatar

I think so long as your upfront & honest about the situation then it’s not an issue.

ru5150's avatar

If it doesn’t make you happy, whats the point?

Spudsinc's avatar

Neither, if you are not comfortable with the idea of kids that is you. Kids are a commitment and not everyone is able to/ ready to handle them. As long as you are upfront with the person and you do not lead them on and drop them when you find out they have kids then that is good for you.

Thunderbomb82's avatar

Very very abstract on this one. There are even more variables than to what I’m going to say. I think…. The single spouse has just recently divorced and expects the other spouse to put in lots of money in the situation…. Then no no no. The single with the kids is rather mature, sets boundaries, and allows time together with the new dating partner than possibly. And the biggest thing, unless there was a death of the spouse.. that is totally understanding. In order for a new relationship to start, in my opinion, the spouse has be over the ex to where the new companion doesn’t hear the new partner talking about the ex very often.

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