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janbb's avatar

Do you ever have a "Crying Game" moment on Fluther?

Asked by janbb (54393points) February 28th, 2010

Have you ever assumed that someone with an androgynous avatar or screen name is one gender only to discover after some time that they are another? I have had this happen a few times, once just yesterday. Does it change how you feel about or relate to that person? Can you analyze why or in what ways? In both of my instances, it has changed subtly my perceptions of the person and I can’t figure out why. I am very intrigued by this phenomenon. Your thoughts?

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43 Answers

dpworkin's avatar

I know what you’re talking about, but I don’t overanalyze it. In fact, I’m likely to continue thinking of them as the original assumed gender, and get little surprises over and over.

janbb's avatar

I enjoy it too, and like you, seem to hold both impressions in my head, but I do find it interesting to ponder.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I just deal with people as indivduals and try to keep gender out of it.

CMaz's avatar

“Have you ever assumed”


lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I don’t think about it too much and you can’t make me :)
@ ChazMaz-You just crack me up.I don’t care who you are!

AstroChuck's avatar

What exactly are you asking, dude?

janbb's avatar

Girlie, you know what I mean!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@ janbb-:)) You guessed that right!lol!

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Yes. I’ve said it time & time again. I think we should have to state our gender. I’ve been surprised several times. BTW….I’m a girlie squirrel. ’-)

janbb's avatar

@jbfletcherfan You are – never would have known! Actually, I really prefer not to have gender stated and to discover it or not in the course of Fluthering. I find the frisson of discovering that my assumptions are not right more interesting than if I were just told. And I discover something about myself each time; I’m just not sure what that is.

@lucillelucillelucille Sorry the “Girlie” comment should have had an @AstroChuck before it. You, I’ve figured out.

CMaz's avatar

“I’m a girlie squirrel.”

Where did your bow go? :-)

AstroChuck's avatar

Actually, long ago I thought that Harp was a female. Every now and again when I see him post I think “female” just for a split second. Weird how that is.

dpworkin's avatar

Funny, I had the “Harp” thing, too.

janbb's avatar

“Dog” was one of mine; I thought she was a wonderful, sensitive guy for the longest time.

Harp – well those Buddhists have no gender anyway, do they? They’re on a higher plane.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@ChazMaz that was just for Christmas. :-)

filmfann's avatar

One of the rules of the internet is that there are NO women on the internet.

AstroChuck's avatar

@jbfletcherfan- Shouldn’t that have read squirrelly girlie?

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@AstroChuck LOLL…ahh, you found me out, didn’t you? As long as you don’t mess with my nuts, I’m good. ‘D

janbb's avatar

@filmfann No women – only penguins?

janbb's avatar

@jbfletcherfan Don’t mess with your nuts? Now, you’re really messing with my mind! Crying Game indeed!

janbb's avatar

I’m just waiting for Simone to come and yell at me.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@janbb LOL…yeah, just the ones I have stored, of course. :D

marinelife's avatar

I have had those moments myself, and like @dpworkin have been surprised again later when I “forgot” the poster’s gender.

I am like you, @janbb, I would not want to have it stated.

nebule's avatar

wait… Harp is a… boy????

chyna's avatar

I thought Harp was a girl too!

<—- i’m a girl in case you wondered.

nikipedia's avatar

Several times I’ve been mistaken for a dude when answering science questions. Makes me roll my eyes a little.

Cruiser's avatar

I love surprises and of course it would change things in the event of a gender surprise. But the bigger challenges are these animal avatars and I really get thrown off by these squirrel avatars!! ;)

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@Cruiser LOLLL,,,,you KNOW what gender I am! ;-)

Cruiser's avatar

@jbfletcherfan Says You!! lol! ;)

Likeradar's avatar

@Harp is a male?!?!
Now I know all there is to know about the crying game.

Cruiser's avatar

@jbfletcherfan OK NOW I am confused….only a guy could have made a noise like that!! LOL!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Why would I yell at you? Just because I have an opinion about gender and gender norms doesn’t mean I yell about it – whenever I discuss it here, I am calm. If people don’t see the logic, that’s fine by me. You, given your details, recognize that your attitudes change when the gender is different from the one you perceived – you don’t know why, but it’s easy to see why – all of us are taught to assume difference because of gender.

I don’t assume anyone’s gender. And I would feel uncomfortable with having to state my gender identity in my profile – that would only invite unnecessary randoms to attack me.

janbb's avatar

I was not really expecting you to yell, that was a joke, but I was curious to hear your response. Thinking about it more, I think I expect to bond more with women and challenge or be challenged by men, although I have always been around many men growing up (which may be why.) I find it interesting that you can free yourself so thoroughly of gender assumptions.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@janbb I didn’t wake up that way one day – I lived a pretty gendered life for some time and I was ‘the seductive woman’ – that all worked out…until it dawned on me that I am so much more beyond that and that in reality it just doesn’t fit that I can play femme really well but it’s not the truth

janbb's avatar

I don’t feel like I identify as a particularly girlie girl either or that I have gender specific expectations of men so it’s interesting for me to note this difference in my reaction. it doesn’t particularly upset me, jsut another piece of the puzzle.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@janbb awareness of our responses is always a good idea.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@Cruiser noooo…girls can give the raspberries, too. ;-)

gemiwing's avatar

I’m not sure I could say I had a ‘crying game’ moment- where I was upset to the point of vomiting by finding out I was emotionally connecting with someone that wasn’t the gender I thought they were. (put that tilde thing here)

I’ve been surprised a few times but that just goes to show my own bias. I’m used to living in multiple worlds. Female areas, male areas etc so when they overlap it gives me a moment of readjustment because I tend to communicate differently based on gender and person.

I hope to eventually get beyond that, and I’m working on it.

What upsets me more is how people change how they talk to me (down to me more like) when they find out I identify mostly as female. Instantly there is more patronizing, coddling and dismissal of my thoughts and feelings.

My internalized sexism runs just as deep as others, it seems.

Zen_Again's avatar


It has happened to me before, but I don’t give it much thought. I don’t really look at the avatars, and I only really guess a gender from an obvious name – which can also be deceiving at times.

I only think of gender when I really talk to someone after a while, or if I read a profile and the person makes it very clear: “Single Mother of two.” I am quite sure she means she is a woman. But I could be wrong.

wundayatta's avatar

I’ve only been asked about gender a few times, and that was before my avatar changed. Yeah. People wanted to know if I was a male or a female ass. I think they were hoping the ass was female. I was also asked if it was my ass on more than a few occasions.

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