General Question

Fscgolfgirl's avatar

How do you get your ex off of your back?

Asked by Fscgolfgirl (23points) March 6th, 2010

4 months ago I broke up with my ex, he wont accept being friends and keeps insisting that we should get back together and is too stubborn to see my side of things. I want to be close, we have too much history to let all of that go, but I am not in a position to be with him. He keeps being ridiculously redundant, and our conversations consist of exhausting debates. I understand that he’s hurt, but I dread talking to him, because I know what I’m in for, and that’s not how I want it to be. How can I explain to him in a way he will understand?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

25 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

Its very apparent that he is still in love with you and i think you know this. this is a tough call, because your ex appears to be a nice person and you do not want to hurt his feelings anymore than necessary. i ran into this many times in law enforcement. discussions usually end with a domestic violence situation. if you cannot verbally resolve your ex’s debates, then its time to move to another source of assistance for you…..Restraining Order. sorry to have to tell you this, but most cases like this, result in one or both calling the police and making a report. then, they seek a Restraining Order to cease any and all communications with each other. the law is now very strict on violations of a Restraining Order. its one day of jailtime for each violation.

I sincerely hope your situation does not come down to this. if this is your only recourse, you can expect harrassment, of some type, from your ex. it sometimes takes a day in jail for some people to get the message. i wish you good luck. john

dpworkin's avatar

Be careful. Men who have a hard time understanding that a relationship has undergone a change can become dangerous.

MrGV's avatar

Just stay away from him until he realizes that…No talking, no meeting up, no texting, etc.

janbb's avatar

It’s awfully hard to go from a relationship straight to just friendship; particularly if one person is still in love. You wil probably have to give up on the idea of a freindship with him, if not forever, at least for some time. Realize for yourself that it is not productive, and possibly could be harmful and that it is making the breakup harder for him. Talk to him and tell him that a complete break is necessary.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I have used this method with great success…

I would just tell him to leave you alone

marinelife's avatar

Why do you insist on being friends with him right now? He is obviously not ready for that.

You are causing the reaction that you say that you don’t want.

Stop with the friends thing already.

Maybe later you can be friends.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

I’ve never been in a relationship before, but if it were me I wound tell him to back off!!!!
hope I helped ;D, just send me a response.

Haleth's avatar

The fact that he’s being redundant, stubborn, and gets into these exhausting debates with you means he doesn’t care what you want. He is not your friend.

mulligrubs's avatar

If he’s still in love with you than it’s only cruel to remain in his life. What happens when you meet someone else and he still hasn’t let go? Do you want to cause that kind of pain in someone who you care for?

You want him to understand that, for you, the relationship is over but you need to understand that it may never be for him. As long as you remain in his life his hope will continue to burn.

If you love him you’ll let him go.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Salvalging the friendship is possible but in my experiences, it took about 6mos. or more for the pangs of romantic memories to ease off and then the friendships would build up again. If you care about him then be patient while he hurts, re examines and hopefully comes to accept the change. He might not be interested in a friendship after all.

CMaz's avatar

Squeal like a pig! Squeal like a pig!

tedibear's avatar

@Fscgolfgirl – You sound very frustrated and I’m trying to figure out why you’re letting that happen to you. Your question doesn’t read like you’re enjoying the drama, so I hope that you can find a way to make it stop.

He does sound, and likely is, still hurting from the break-up. Let him know that for now, you can’t be friends. In the future? Maybe, but not too soon. If he pushes for a time frame, tell him that you don’t know, but that it won’t be soon. Say it kindly but be firm.

In what ways does he contact you for these conversations? If it’s a phone call, there’s nothing that says you have to answer your phone. If it’s a text, you’re not obligated to reply. If it’s chat, you can turn it off. If it’s in person, learn how to not let that happen. It’s for your sanity and his.

Fscgolfgirl's avatar

Thanks for all of the advise, he wants the relationship back, so I’m trying to give him the next best thing in that case you know?? Like we share the same friends and go to the same church, and I don’t want him to stop going because of me or feel out of place. I don’t like the drama at all…but when he texts or calls or if I see him in person (he usually avoids me but will text me) I feel really bad if I don’t respond and feel like I’m being rude. He really did nothing wrong in the relationship, it just wasn’t right…I think he’s afraid of being alone, and I totally understand that. But friendship is all I can offer him at this time, and he thinks that a friendship should mean that we work toward getting back together and that’s not what I want to do right now. I don’t want to be mean by being his friend, but that’s the only think I can think of to do in order to do right by him.

wundayatta's avatar

Look at the metaphor you used: how can you get him off your back? Well, the sarcastic yet true answer is to put him down. Just stop carrying him. Put him down on the ground.

You are carrying him every time you put energy into him. Every time you talk to him. You want to be nice, but the truth is that you are the one who won’t put him down. You do have a choice, and you apparently think the nice thing to do is to sort of carry him a little bit further. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to put him down completely if you really don’t want to carry him any more.

You don’t say if you have young children, but I assume you would mention that if you did. If you have children, you have to keep on talking. In that case, you might try firmly telling him you will not discuss anything about getting back together. If he brings it up, you will hang up on him or walk away from him. Something serious.

If you keep on dealing with him, he will continue to ride you. If you stop talking to him, he can’t ride you any more. I think you’ll have to do that to get him to stop.

The choice really is yours. You are the one allowing him to stay on your back. You are the one who can put him down.

History or no, you can’t be friends. At least, not now. Maybe in a few years. But not now. You can’t “explain” it to him. You can only show him. I’m sorry.

marinelife's avatar

@Fscgolfgirl You are not being kind to be his friend! He will have trouble getting over you if you keep talking to him and being around him. That is the part you don’t get.

john65pennington's avatar

Fscgolfgirl, you are making the right choices with him. attempting to let him down easy may not work, if he is still in love with you. love will make him do crazy things that he normally would not do. so, expect this. a one-sided love affair can be heartbreaking to one side, if the other side is not interested. give him plenty of room to vent his anger and concerns. he may even need a mile, until he understands where you are coming from.

mrrich724's avatar

Fscgolfgirl. Men have too much pride. As long as you give him attention, he will think “there is a chance.” Which is why he continues to try to appeal to you, and “debate” with you. You show him there is a chance (even though there may not be, by giving him attention.

Just break it all off for a few months (or a year), and give him time alone to let it sink in. Maybe down the road, you can be friends again.

Fscgolfgirl's avatar

Good call thanks everyone, you’ve given me a lot to think about!!

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Being friends with an ex is only possible if both people agree that the relationship has been drifting apart for awhile, and both agree to part. Then it’s possible to be friends. When it’s not possible to be friends is when one person wants to move on and the other wants to keep their familiar life. Too often girls/women think it’s “nicer” to be friends with the guy, that it somehow a sign of “you’re a nice guy; it’s not you, it’s me.” The reality is, that’s the cruelest joke you can play on a guy, to string him along when you want to move on, and he wants you back. He’s making it clear that he doesn’t want to be someone that you just know, and are friends with; he wants to be “the guy” in your life. If he can’t be that, then you have to totally cut him loose so he can try to move on.

Cruiser's avatar

You obviously still care enough to even posit this question so just fix him up with a date and your problems are solved.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

If he’s not getting the hint, you cant be friends anymore. Period.
You need to not be afraid of being a bitch if that’s what it takes to get rid of your excess baggage.

Just_Justine's avatar

cut the cord, move on, don\t take calls, do not answer texts, it’s over. Every time you give in, he thinks you want a dialogue with him. It is just reinforcing his belief it could work.

thriftymaid's avatar

Call in your brothers!

Response moderated (Spam)
Response moderated (Spam)

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther