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prolificus's avatar

Have you ever felt like a traitor for sharing on Fluther the "dirty laundry" of your intimate relationship(s)?

Asked by prolificus (6583points) March 9th, 2010 from iPhone

Even though Fluther is an anonymous site to ask and discuss personal questions, I am wondering if some things are meant to stay within an intimate relationship and not shared elsewhere (except with a counselor or close confidant)?

I have felt like a traitor for sharing info, even though it felt like life or death for me not to share.

What boundaries do you keep on Fluther, things that you absolutely won’t share even though help is needed/wanted?

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35 Answers

escapedone7's avatar

Yes. I have shared way too much. I probably shouldn’t disclose things about family members without their consent. I’ve shared enough that if someone who really knew me stumbled across my posts, they would know it is me and probably not be happy about the information I’ve shared. I should probably can it.

Aethelwine's avatar

Fluther is great for advice, but if you are having difficulties in your relationship you really need to be discussing them with your partner. My dirty laundry is just that, mine. I am actually lucky that I don’t have any dirty laundry at the moment, but if I did I probably wouldn’t share it with Fluther. my husband Fluthers also btw. One of the biggest lessons that we have learned in our relationship is that communication and honesty are most important.

janbb's avatar

I’m pretty cognizant most of the time of the boundaries I have set for myself and generally don’t step across them. When I have, yes, I have felt guilty. One thing that keeps me in check is that both my sons and my daughter-in-law are occasional readers of the site.

partyparty's avatar

There are certain things I would never disclose on fluther. Having said that I don’t have any dirty laundry, so can discuss questions with a clear conscience.

faye's avatar

Isn’t here the perfect place where nobody knows you on the street? I have to live vicariously through this so I love it!!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I haven’t even come close.heh heh heh

malevolentbutticklish's avatar

I have always been shocked how many negative things people have to say about their significant others. I simply don’t feel this way when I am with someone. Maybe I am better at the selection process but I think there is more to it than that.

marinelife's avatar

I would not share something that made me feel like a traitor.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

My partner’s on fluther – he can read anything I post and anything I post are things he’s already heard because as @jonsblond put it, it’s best to discuss all issues with your partner first and not with other people.

gemiwing's avatar

I tend to keep certain things off of my time on Fluther. If I do mention Hubbs in something- I tell him I’m doing it. He knows I’m here and can check anytime he wants.

CMaz's avatar

It is nice to be able to spill your guts somewhere.

We are not here to judge. Just beat you down a little bit. ;-)

wundayatta's avatar

Naw. I made it a rule to ignore my fear. But, believe it or not, there is much that I don’t share. I often share the things I’m working on. Sometimes directly, sometimes metaphorically, and sometimes not at all. It has never occurred to me to feel like a traitor. Maybe that’s because the reason I do this is to become a better person—a person who can love better, and be more responsible, and be happier.

When I mention my problems with my wife, I am not trying to put her down. I love her and respect her, but I wish she weren’t so damned OCD! Still, we’re working on that.

I think the things I learn here are very helpful, and I am sure I wouldn’t have learned them if I wasn’t as open as I am. It is only because I am anonymous that I can do this.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

I understand the want to reach out when life throws you a curve ball but Im highly critical of the relationship questions for the following reasons:
1. We’re only getting one side of the story
2. It’s really not our business
3. How can strangers possibly give reliable advice to specific situations? The potential for disaster is extremely high.
We’re really not reliable relationship counselors here. We can provide a modicum of emotional support but that’s really about the extent of it.
It’s a little worrisome that strangers (and really online people are nothing but, compared to friends offline) are being consulted before the parties that are directly involved.

If you feel you’ve betrayed someone’s trust by airing dirty laundry here, you can’t unring that proverbial bell but moving forward you can keep from making that same mistake a second time. Personally I don’t even remember the dirty laundry you aired or know if I even read it so after a time it will probaby all be lost to obscurity lest someone go looking for it specifically.

ETpro's avatar

No. I avoid doing that just because I would feel like a traitor if I did. Right now, my wife doesn’t read Fluther, but I know full well she’s capable of doing so. I certainly don’t want her worrying about what I am up to every time I go online.

escapedone7's avatar

I disclose personal stuff though that might really be wrong to disclose without the involving parties consent. For example I have mentioned my brother has a mental illness. Well, he might not think that it is my place to disclose his personal private medical history without his permission. Really, I shouldn’t take such license with telling other people’s story for them. Our stories intertwine though, and I find it difficult to tell my own story without sharing how they are a part of it.. Of course I use no names and even have more than one brother. If anyone who knew me read my posts though, they’d know this was me. Should I not discuss my family? I probably shouldn’t. I should probably just reveal my own stuff and leave their stuff alone. There’s a fuzzy line though when they are such a part of our lives that their problems become ours too. There are people on here asking legitimate questions. For example a person recently was asking for advice about caring for her mother at home. How can we deal with the interpersonal struggles we face without disclosing something that involves another person?

I am gloriously single right now and there is no significant other to bash. However whenever we bring up interpersonal struggles of any sort, aren’t we going to be revealing somebody’s private business? I’m not sure where the line should be drawn. I am open to suggestions though. I am having second thoughts about mentioning family members like brothers or parents. I am thinking about it. Everyone should have a right to privacy and a right to tell their own story. I would like a few guidelines myself.

Just_Justine's avatar

Nah! everyone I know is too busy for fluther. Thank goodness. Well I hope so!

Chongalicious's avatar

I keep it general…secrets that could change a life if they became known…go with me to the grave.

liminal's avatar

I think it is possible to reveal very personal and private information both about ourselves and others without violating the sanctity of those we love. It is possible to leave out identifying information and speak in generalities and truths that hold universal understanding for lots of other people. It is possible to express very tender and private things with enough generality that the person speaking could be anybody. Of course, this takes careful consideration.

If one is going to be the sort who writes on the internet about intimate things, that if identified, would bring hurt/embarrassment to self or other then it seems wise to use certain cautions. Such as, not using identifying pictures, names, institutions, or towns in all things they post or profile about themselves.

gailcalled's avatar

I pick and choose carefully.There is some information about me I would never disclose.

Violet's avatar

A traitor ?! To who? My boyfriend? He knowns what I talk about here on fluther. I am a very honest person

thriftymaid's avatar

It’s just not something I would do.

srmorgan's avatar

I have related some stories about a particularly nasty relationship I had with someone. It was a very volatile and, in retrospect, abusive and toxic mixture. Some of it was funny to relate to the collective. The reason this was permissible is that it happened thirty years ago.

I have spoken about my wife and my marriage here on Fluther but nothing negative, nothing too personal, and the only thing thing I have revealed is how much I love her, and continue to lover her, after twenty-five years of marriage.

babaji's avatar

i should never have shared some things….

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I now try to keep details I disclose to things that concern me but not family members.
Mostly, I succeed at that.

augustlan's avatar

I’m an extremely open person, but this username is widely associated with me everywhere on the net. Anyone who knows me well in real life would know it’s me immediately. In addition to that, two of my teenagers are members here. And that’s why I have a second account. I have talked about my mother and one of my uncles in less than flattering ways, but am not a bit concerned about that. I don’t have any big marital problems to discuss, so that’s not an issue.

The only thing I think I shouldn’t have done was ask a question about whether my ex-husband and I should allow our 15 year old (a member, and active in the discussion) to get a job (he and I disagreed). Her father was quite upset with me for doing so, and in retrospect, he was right. We usually have our discussions/arguments behind closed doors and then present a united front to our children.

gailcalled's avatar

Milo here; Anything (anything at all) you want to know about Gail, PM me, but not during nap time.

janbb's avatar

But @Milo, you are always napping.

gailcalled's avatar

@janbb:Milo here; I am up at least 4 hours a day…so there.

janbb's avatar

@Milo Je suis desolee, mon petit chat.

gailcalled's avatar

@janbb: Milo again: Et toi, tu es mon petit chou.

janbb's avatar

@Milo – We can’t go on meeting like this.

gailcalled's avatar

@janbb: Milo here: Of course we can. Gail is such a twit.

janbb's avatar

@Milo. Mee-ooww!

prolificus's avatar

I no longer feel like a traitor since sharing my fluther activity with my partner. It has led to a lot of useful, open, and honest communication!

gailcalled's avatar

I am sometimes horrified to read what one partner has to say about the other. And I would be angry if someone were giving out intimate details of our life without my permission.

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