General Question

joscketSeper's avatar

What is the process of Finding a GF for a man in 30's?

Asked by joscketSeper (323points) March 12th, 2010

Some guys get girlfriends since highschool or even earlier. But Some of us are nerds with no life or something so we can’t.
I’m in my 30’s and don’t have any girlfriend or female friend.
It’s really difficult. I’m quiet and not a good speaker and most females seem to like good speakers.

So i’m stuck, what exactly is the process?

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30 Answers

phillis's avatar

Go out. If you have no life, that means you aren’t getting out much. I wouldn’t suggest going out specifically to find a girlfriend, but having a social life will certainly improve your current odds. We don’t usually find a romantic interest when we’re looking for it. It just kinda sneaks up on us. Plus, there’s that whole desperate vibe that will drive potentials away. Just go out and enjoy your life :)

Jeruba's avatar

Another option is to give some of your time to a volunteer activity that you can really get into, whether it’s helping out at a community theatre, teaching kids to use computers after school, or caring for animals at a shelter. Working together takes a lot of social pressure off while giving you something to talk about.

If you choose something that’s really in line with your interests and values, that means you will meet people who have important things in common with you. Even if you don’t find a girlfriend right away, the practice in social interaction will be good for you.

funkytown444's avatar

Not “looking” for the girlfriend etc. They always say that things come to you unexpected. Try to look at the situation as making a new friend vs. “finding” a girl. If you you go to all the places and do all the things you like , your bound to find people like yourself with common interests. That way, there isn’t so much of a struggle for topic of conversation!

shf84's avatar

Just go to a dating site the woman will probably know your not experienced but if your a geeky guy she probably will expect that. Fuck knows I love geeky eccentric women (damn do i) and some women love men like that to. The idea of the cheer leader is a joke those women are usually mean and stupid and best left to mean and stupid men believe me you don’t even want their drug using cheating drunk asses hanging around.

davidbetterman's avatar

Go to the library. Go to the supermarket. Go to a McDonald’s. Go to a bar.

YARNLADY's avatar

The best way to find a girlfriend is to be a boyfriend, or in other words be the friend someone else would want. If you are comfortable with yourself, others will be more comfortable with you.

A word of caution, for some people the desire does not always coincide with the opportunity. You have to be patient and consider the possibility that your search will not have the outcome you want.

Haleth's avatar

Everyone has posted great advice so far. Going out and becoming more engaged in life is the best thing you can do. You should also think to yourself, “what kind of man do most women want to date?” Everyone says you need to be confident, but how do you become confident? Having fun hobbies and making friends is definitely a start, but you can do plenty of other things to take care of yourself that will make you feel better and be more attractive to women.

If you’re not a good speaker, you should try taking a public speaking class or improv class. You can potentially meet women in places like this, but just getting some practice talking to people will be valuable for you. If you feel that you aren’t physically attractive enough to meet women, start working out and get yourself some more stylish clothes. (And be neat and well-groomed.) Things like this won’t make you more attractive or interesting overnight, but slowly, bit by bit, working on yourself will give you the confidence you need to talk to a woman. Even if it’s superficial to lift weights or buy a new shirt, it’s all about your perception of yourself- your frame of mind. Talk to as many people as you can and observe what works- learn how to approach it as a casual conversation.

delam's avatar

Maybe you will find someone on Fluther

partyparty's avatar

Why not enrol at college or join a sports club. That way it’s not obvious you are searching for someone. It may just happen naturally, then you will have found someone with similar interests as yourself.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Don’t decide fixate on a “type” but leave yourself open to meeting and talking with a lot of different types of girls. Find a cause and volunteer for the organization, and attend all of their events. It can be easier to meet people when you are part of a group, and have something to do within that group.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I heartily endorse @Jeruba s answer. I’m a nerd-type and my profession (Army combat engineer) was almost exclusively male. I met my wife by doing volunteer security/escort work at a shelter for battered women.

The trouble with advice like “just go out” to us nerdy (somewhat autistic) types is that, if we actually did go out, we would have absolutely no idea what to do. We also tend to have few, if any male friends either. “Finding someone” is not a natural thing for us; we tend to lack social skills that others take for granted, such as an understanding of “body language” or the ability to make “small talk”. You are most likely looking for a type who doesn’t want an exciting person or scintillating conversationalist, rather smoeone who will treat her with respect and be a good provider-type.

I was 39 before I first dated. Miraculously, the woman I dated became my wife five years later. Meghan desperately needed someone who would protect her, treat her with gentleness and had enough financial clout to get her the medical and psychological help she badly needed. Our relationship evolved very slowly but formed a very close bond between us. We each were able to help the other in areas we were weak in. Meg eventually became a psychologist.

Scooby's avatar

First off get a social life, go to any particular bar with your friends & make it your local for a few jars two or three times a week, you’ll soon meet up with plenty of women, once your face is familiar they’ll soon start to speak, just don’t be a jerk, women like to be complimented, nice nails, hair, eyes etc, if someone catches your eye try to catch theirs, not by doing a Mooney on the pool table, maybe send a drink over try not to be too over the top though this can be a little off putting, be interested & talk about them what they do their hobbies etc try & find some common ground between you & take it from there, first of all though make sure she’s not already spoken for, this is very important, good luck! ;-)

LuckyGuy's avatar

@joscketSeper <—- Ladies, He’s available!

Tell everyone you know you’re looking.

filmfann's avatar

If you don’t drink, don’t go to a bar.
If you don’t like sports, don’t go to a game.
To meet someone who will like the things you like, go to places you like.
Take an adult education class, for a subject you like.
If you are relgious, go to church.
Just do the things you would want to do with a friend.

deepdivercwa55m's avatar

consulates. I think is the right word.. You have male friends right? deffinately. tell them to arange somrthing for you

HungryGuy's avatar

(NSFW) Write kinky sex stories depicting women as objects to be used as sex toys and humiliated at every opportunity. Women will throw themselves at you. Really! I’m not kidding!

kevbo's avatar

This book has everything you need to know. If you do about 10% of what it says, you’ll do fine.

(I think the older version has an extra chapter on committment.)

@stranger_in_a_strange_land, that is a really sweet story.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@kevbo, I seem to recall you’ve referenced that book in the past, and spoke well of it.

kevbo's avatar

I plug it whenever it’s appropriate. It really helped me understand the big picture (or at least a version of it).

susanc's avatar

Since you claim to have an incurable condition that gives you excruciating pain when you have an erection, perhaps having a girlfriend is contraindicated.

thriftymaid's avatar

There isn’t a process. Do things that place you around other people in your age group. Be friendly. There just isn’t a plan to follow. Friends and girl/boy friends just happen, usually when you don’t expect it.

joscketSeper's avatar

Thanks everyone. Well at work there is one girl that likes to talk to me and she’s really nice and fun to talk to, but she’s married and not my type. But from that, i can kind of get what you’re saying about how it just happens. Unfortunately I’ve never had that happen with girls my age who are single. Usually the girls who talk to me are like i said married and not my type and also old ladies in their 50’s and 60’s.

phillis's avatar

Wait a minute…..I need to be clear on something. Since writing this question, you’ve since asked one that clearly states you are incapable of having sex. Unless you are in a wheelchair, no woman is going to have any idea that this is an issue. At what point will you be letting these potential girlfriends know this? No doubt, a romantic relationship is possible without sex, but nevertheless, it’s a part of relationships that most anyone would not expect there to be an issue.

joscketSeper's avatar

I dont’ know when i should let them know. But i guess i would tell them after we get to know eachother more and when we decide to be BF/GF . is that a good time to tell them?

kevbo's avatar

@joscketSeper, Maybe you are a sneaky fucker and don’t know it.

phillis's avatar

@joscketSeper No. That won’t work. I understand that, until you become closer, it arguably falls under the heading of “None of their business”, but unfortunately, you’re going to have to come on out with on the first date.

To many people, the purpose of sex, besides procreation, is to bond two people together. What if she wants to show you her love for you by engaging in sex with you? It’s not fair that she become emotionally invested in you, only to be hurt in the end. It doesn’t sound like you are purposely trying to be deceptive, but that’s what it is.

Even TV talk shows have themes along these same lines. Transvestites are so afraid of losing this person that they fell in love with, that they are willing to lie in order to keep them. Inevitably, the person who finds out about it after they are already bonded feels deeply betrayed. This is no way to start a relationship if you have any hope of having a fulfilling one.

Plus, look at it this way…..a woman for whom no sex will not work will naturally wander off to other pastures, thereby saving you all the stress and fear of losing her once you’ve gotten emotionally close to her.

Jeruba's avatar

And there are women who would be happy in a caring relationship without sex, I am sure.

phillis's avatar

@Jeruba I think so, too.

susanc's avatar

@Jeruba: Sure. And when should they reveal this to @joscketSeper? This is pretty thorny.

Jeruba's avatar

I agree, @susanc, and I have no idea. It would be lovely if some knowing, sensitive person could play matchmaker.

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