General Question

TrickyZZZZ's avatar

WTF is wrong (women)

Asked by TrickyZZZZ (99points) March 17th, 2010

Ok, not looking for sympathy here, I just HAVE to be doing something wrong. I have burned through many of women phone number (at least 20+ in the past year) and got NOTHING from it. I try different things with each woman, I just can’t figure it out. Examples:

Display of neediness:
I have tried different time limits on convos (text and phone).
I have tried different amounts of days to text\call after getting the number
I have tried different expectations of initiating contact (Contact her all the time vs Contact her once, and if she doesn’t call\text back move on).

I can not find the right combination.

With some women I try to be funny sticking to “lighter” conversation topics, others I try to just be my normal self. No success either way

Asking to Chill:
I have tried being upfront and showing interest, asking her out early on. I have also tried the “play it cool” method, with no mention of hanging out for weeks. Different places to hang out (ranging from my house to bowling to dinner\movie). No success either way

Online or in person. No success either way.

Limits to moving on:
If she blows me off 3 times give up.
If she blows me off 1 time give up
If she blows me off, let her contact me. If not then don’t contact her and give up.
No success.

Basically I try different combinations of the above. Dating is very exhausting. Does it really (statistically) take such a significantly large number of women to be “tried” before you find something that “works”? 20+ seems very large. Is this normal?

Basically it seems that we have a good conversation (when we first meet, or online) and I get the number fairly easily, but when it comes time to actually hang out I get blown off. FML

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44 Answers

Seek's avatar

You’re trying way too hard.

We’re people, not combination locks. Just be who you are, and eventually you’ll find someone that wants to put up with you.

Just_Justine's avatar

Just be yourself, what is the point of trying all these techniques? Because once you do hook up you will be exhausted. Find a girl who doesn’t like games, much easier. Best place to find those girls in betwixt all the activities you love doing.

Jude's avatar

I agree. You’re trying way too hard. Be charming/be yourself and don’t act like an ass. You’ll do fine.

elenuial's avatar

Rather than looking for a magic formula, just be yourself and approach each person on her own terms, seeing her for who she is.

A magic formula will never work, because every person has their own wants, needs, and desires, just like you do.

Coloma's avatar

Dating is like trying on shoes, you have to try on a lot of shoes to find the right fit. lol

Exhausted's avatar

Personally, I think if you would just be yourself and ease up on the pressure of being on a mission to get a woman, you would attract someone that suits you. As long as you are trying to be/do something that is not a true reflection of yourself, you are not going to find someone that works with who you truly are. Trying to keep up a facade in order to attract and develop a relationship with someone will only attract someone that wouldn’t fit with who you are. When you let your guard down (as you inevidibly will do at some point), they will see who you really are, will not want to be with you or staying together will be a constant struggle of wills. Be patient and be yourself and you will find someone when you’re not really looking..

TrickyZZZZ's avatar

I have tried the “just being myself” method too. I’m the type of guy that gives the world the middle finger. I need no one. I have learned to be very independent. If you are annoying or I don’t like you, I will very kindly tell you to go fuck yourself. I don’t kiss ass at all. I just go about my life doing the things I need to get by. I’m not the type of guy who will chase women around bars like a dumb ass, or flirt with the “cute cashier” just for the hell of it. I try not to be overtly rude to people though.

I thought women like independence\being not needy. I just don’t get what I am doing wrong. It seems when I am “just myself” women still pass me by, just as I pass them by.

Ohh and in a way there is “protocol” to dating. Calling 50 times a day will be perceived as needy for example.

Arp's avatar

You are overthinking things a little, dont you think? I know I am probably not a good person to ask, but in my opinion you are thinking way to hard about things. Just be yourself! :D

MacBean's avatar

Pay attention to @elenuial. There isn’t a formula. You’re talking about people, not math problems. There isn’t just one right answer.

holden's avatar

Sorry, you sound like an enormous jackass.

I need no one. I have learned to be very independent. If you are annoying or I don’t like you, I will very kindly tell you to go fuck yourself… I try not to be overtly rude to people though.

Yeah, I can see why nobody’s sticking around.

CMaz's avatar

Be honest and be yourself.. Accept the fact that they just might not like you. At least you have yourself.

And what @Seek_Kolinahr said. :-)

TrickyZZZZ's avatar


Lol, well the advice was “be yourself.” I used to be an ass kisser, but that didn’t work out either. When I was one, women (ex included) just used me.

Everything I read, and what people tell me is “be confident”, “be independent.” Isn’t not needing people the definition of independence?

God I’m confused


Ya, i have accepted that fact long ago. Still doesn’t change anything. I’m very patient. I have been waiting for years and years. Still doesn’t change anything

holden's avatar

You could start by making fewer demands on the women you’re dating. Beggars can’t be choosers.

escapedone7's avatar

The problem is you are seeing women as all the same. You are approaching this like a physicist trying to find the best orbital entry. Instead view it as an anthropologist learning about different native peoples and cultures.

Each woman you meet is very different. Some ARE needy and want a guy to call a lot. Some are independent and want a lot of space. Some women want to be the dominant person who makes the decisions, some women are more submissive and will want your opinion about everything, Then there are all the women that fall somewhere in the middle rather than the extremes of these continua. I could go on and on and on. Each and every woman you encounter is a unique being. It is your job to study her and find out what she expects, likes, and wants, feels and needs.

Rather than using a hit and miss technique, show the girl you are with a lot of interest in who she is. Ask her about what she likes or needs. Ask her what she likes to do. Communicate. Show a lot of interest in her as an individual and then use her cues. Watch her body language and reactions and ask to clarify things. “I’m sorry. Did that question make you uncomfortable? You seem a little bored, would you prefer going someplace else?” “Would it be ok if I called tomorrow? I don’t want to bother you too much but I love talking to you.” Show her that you are interested in what she wants, thinks and feels. Follow through. If she says she hates sports don’t go buy her tickets to the next big game. If she says she loves lilies have a bouquet of lilies sent.

I feel bad that I am coaching you to pretend you care when you don’t. That’s the key though. Care about the person you are with. I approach each new relationship with a man like he is a mystery. I love getting to know who he is, what he hates, what he loves. His little quirks are often the things I adore most about him. I experience sheer delight in discovering the person he is. It is as exciting as exploring a new world. I try to see the world through his eyes.

I guess the “big secret” is to care about her instead of using her like a soccer goal or something.

Also, you sound like a negative person. Negative people suck to be around. If you do go around flipping people off and saying you hate everybody and everything, you aren’t going to be fun to be around. Try to leave the negativity at home. Bitching and complaining about how everybody sucks and you hate everything that exists will just make you seem like you have major issues.

nikipedia's avatar

Dude, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Become happy and comfortable with yourself before you try dating anyone.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@jjmah -“Don’t act like an ass” LOL! Ain’t that the truth! :)

JeffVader's avatar

Huh…. you’re quite the trooper aint ya. 20 girls in 1 year, that’s a colossal number to have burnt through! I can only imagine that while you’re trying all these alternate techniques that you must be coming across as either contrived, or really desperate. Not traits ladies like much. Keep things abit more chilled, be yourself, after-all what’s the point of getting a girl to fall for you if its all an act. Now I’m not saying be totally upfront, no-one wants to see crazy that early in a relationship, but present a toned down version of yourself, then bit by bit add in the crazy! Its not rocket science, its dating!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Definitely trying to hard. In all my years, I have never successfully picked up a woman anywhere. I have been picked up by women plenty of times. I think I saw a study that indicated more than ⅔ of all successful conections are initiated by the woman. Just relax and let them come to you on their terms. You both will be more relaxed and under less pressure.

TrickyZZZZ's avatar


Definently not desperate. I have been trying keep desperation to a MINIMUM. Thats why I stop talking and move on right away after I am blown off. I don’t keep trying, as that would be the definition of desperate.

Wow, great post!! I see the truth in that. I kinda tend to associate caring—> needy\desperate. I will try to do as you say.

lol ya I thought 20 was a lot haha. Just one more general thing. I know you said there is no “formula”, but what is a good number of blow offs before one should realize “She is just not that into you.” For example I was suposed to hang out with a girl I have been talking to online yesterday. We were suposed to meet up but she said that “I’m sorry, I am just very tired and have to work tomorrow. We should hang out another time.”

Should I dismiss this as “She is just not that into you” or keep trying?

JeffVader's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ Yeh, I kinda meant that you might be giving off a desperate vibe rather than acting in an overtly desperate manor. Rather like a striker in soccer hanging round the goalmouth, just-in-case.

plethora's avatar

@nikipedia Exactly

Women, like men, are individual people. Ask them questions about themselves because you are genuinely interested in them as a person….and then listen.

JLeslie's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ I think maybe you have confused confidence with indifference. Acting like nothing bothers you, and that you don’t give a shit if someone likes you or not, and that you are going far in the opporite direction of being desperate, can come off as aloof, disinterested, and uncaring. I am not trying to make assumption about you, but this is what I am getting from what you wrote. I like a guy who gets excited and happy from little things, shows interest in my interests, wants to share his interests with me, is not overly negative, and who likes to enjoy himself. Maybe you are giving off an air of not wanting to have any sort of relationship, or that you are just dating around, because you are seemingly so nonchlanat and cocky about these things?

Also, could it possibly have anything to do with the women you are choosing? For sure there is a statistics game. I have always said about 1 in 10 dates wind up worthwhile and leading to a second date. That is totally made up by me and really means nothing, except to say that you should not get discouraged.

Lastly, you kind of talk about the game playing. I understand why you feel you have to play a game…call, don’t call…act interested, but not desperate…etc etc. I would suggest to you that when it is working it is like the most natural thing in the world. No games. If the girls are playing games with you f**k them. They will be game players in marriage also. I think make a genuine attempt, if you like a woman, hit it off with her, to call her, go out on another date, etc. If she is playing games, I think ask her directly, or put the ball in her court, I would love to see you again, call me if you want to get together. I hear all of this lack of communication in relationships, how people treat each other in dating (I do not mean you personally, I am talking in general) and I am dumbfounded. People are passive aggressive, noncommunicative, and avoid confrontation like nobodies business it seems. It amounts to dishonestly, secretiveness, and it is a powerplay. If you can avoid those games, I say avoid them. A good relationship (girlfriend, friend, spouse, sibling, cousin, all relationships) is equal in power, respectful of each other, and nobody feels like they have to play a game to get attention or worry about being perceived as strong or weak.

wundayatta's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ Who are you? I mean, how old, what do you do for aliving, where do you live, what do you like to do. Where do you meet women? What web sites? How do you meet them? What do you do when you go on a date?

I think @escapedone7 gave you some great advice, and so do some others. But I don’t think this is about what you do. I think this is about who you are.

Cruiser's avatar

Women like to be respected and to be treated nicely and appearing needy or desperate is kyptonite to a woman. Just lighten up and be yourself.

partyparty's avatar

Just try to act naturally. You sound quite desperate. It will happen when you least expect it.

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t think he sounds desperate I think he sounds frustrated and annoyed.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Are you getting the run around before or after you’ve made a face to face contact?
I’m a female and can give you a list of buzz killers for me, see if any of them have any resonance to you and your dates.

In person physically different than represented online.
Unless you’re a mechanic then dirty, long or ragged fingernails is kind of yucky.
Chewing tobacco and spitting is yucky.
Really bad breath.
Chewing while talking.
Belching but not excusing yourself.
Referring to others in your conversations as, “dude”.
Talking about how crappy your job is, how much people suck, pretty much all pessimistic snarky talk.
Not showing interest in your date (aside from compliments)

I personally get really interested in man who appears confident but not arrogant, is socially comfortable, positive, compassionate, aware of his surroundings, slightly charming and funny (but not a clown), shows respect and care himself, respects the people close to him, shows his interest and respect in me, finds some point of admiration in me he can convey (genuine flattery) and is emotionally open. A jaded but gregarious dater appears selfish and untrustworthy, a player out for some consolation without respect or investment. Just my observations, experience and opinion here.

thriftymaid's avatar

Try to forget all of your research and just be yourself. That’s honest.

CyanoticWasp's avatar


I’m trying to keep in mind your proscriptions here, and having some confusion:

I look just like my avatar, and yet I have sort of bad luck, too. So what’s wrong?

If I’m a mechanic, then dirty, long and ragged fingernails are okay? Okay, I’m wearing a tool belt on my next date. Thanks.

Is chewing tobacco and not spitting going to work? (I hope I survive.)

Nice typing.

How am I doing so far?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’ve got to look up proscriptions on google and get back to you.

Dog people, cat people? I dunno.

I’m just one female who thinks chew is yucky (my bf does it occasionally btw and he’s still alive and well)

I love to type, thanks!

How are you doing? It’s a beautiful day where I’m at and my Domino’s Brooklyn style crust pizza is very tasty.

Shae's avatar

Confidence is the key. Listen to @Neizvestnaya

Trillian's avatar

I’d like to know what your criteria is for picking a woman.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

If you do not need anyone, why are you so obsessed with feminine companionship? You are acting like a sexual predator. The women you meet can see right through to your motives. A relationship is a mutual thing, you are going to have to realize that if you want to succeed. Otherwise just be the self-sufficient loner and stop trying to find an unrealistic one-way relationship.

cak's avatar

I think that @JLeslie may be onto something, you may be confusing indifference as confidence. Being able to tell someone to go fuck themselves, just because they don’t like you isn’t being independent. It sounds more like a wall. A hard-ass brick wall. That attitude may be coming across to people and you just don’t realize it. I found out, several years ago, that people thought I was a snob. I was quiet and didn’t always jump into a conversation. I was painfully shy, not snobby. I just didn’t know what I was projecting.

Even though you move on quickly, there still is an air of desperation in your formula. It’s time to take a break, examine yourself. Relax and start fresh and really start listening to why they aren’t saying yes – sometimes, it may really be that they are just tired.

I feel like I’m statistics class, all over again!

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Trying too hard and overthinking every aspect of what you do is part of what is handicapping you with women. Forget about formulae or algorithms. Even on successive dates ( dares ) with the same woman they would not work!

Don’t be so anxious to be in a relationship. Try first to make a friend and get to know them and let them get to know you.

At some point, with some woman, you may find the friendship develops beyond friendship.

Be patient, be yourself and be honest. You will find someone special.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence I’m sure it was just a typo, but it was a very charming one: Even on successive dares with the same woman…

I’ve taken some of those dares.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I edited my answer @CyanoticWasp while still showing my original error.

snowberry's avatar

@Stranger in a strange land, That was a humdinger of an answer. You win!

Jeruba's avatar

The number of women who are looking for this guy is going to be fairly small:

I’m the type of guy that gives the world the middle finger. I need no one. I have learned to be very independent. If you are annoying or I don’t like you, I will very kindly tell you to go fuck yourself.

He sounds scary to me. My instincts would tell me to avoid him. He doesn’t sound like someone who’s interested in being part of a relationship in which two people care for one another and enjoy one another’s company and bring out the best in each other. Why would he treat me any differently from the way he treats the rest of the world?

snowberry's avatar

@Jeruba, and for that matter, how would he treat the people I care about? Would he give my relatives the finger, too? Yikes!

TrickyZZZZ's avatar

lol it is so easy to misunderstand posts due to the lack of expression.

When I said I give the world the middle finger, I do not litterly flick people in the world off. I was refering to my “Most people can go fuck themselves for all I care” type attitude. I’m not rude to people, but if I never saw most of them ever again in my life I could care less.

@JLeslie you are right. The word that describes me is aloof. I am very emotionally distant from people, or life in general. I try not to incorperate emotion into my life\thought process as much as I should. How do I unaloof?? (and NO im not a stone cold robot. Im not that bad)

Ohh also btw thanks for telling me don’t listen to the rules. I contacted the girl back and she wants to chill.

JLeslie's avatar

@TrickyZZZZ Does chill mean get together? Or, stay away? If it means get together, then I would say you are unaloofing already. I guess people. women, want to see confidence regarding your job, and your interests, but want to see you care about relationships. Does that help at all? Not that you are devastated if someone is treating you badly, but we don’t want to think you don’t give a damn about your family, we want to know you have a good time when we get together, and that you want to go out again. We like when you are kind to strangers and the old cliche, when you treat waiters with respect. Not sure I am explaining well.

snowberry's avatar

“I try not to incorperate emotion into my life\thought process as much as I should. How do I unaloof??”

@Tricky7777 May I suggest you start by asking yourself why you consistently avoid emotion? You will find a gold mine of information there. I think you would do well to spend some serious time in a counselor’s office to resolve this. No woman I know would be willing to be the girlfriend of an aloof man for very long. It’s just too much like work!

She could sit home alone and it would be a heck of a lot easier.

Exhausted's avatar

You may not be intentionally rude, but your true attitude shows through even if you think you hide it. Maybe you should just work on your attitude so that “just being yourself” would be someone that other people find interesting, but who knows? They say there is someone for everyone so maybe you just need to keep looking until you find someone attracted to a person with a ”“Most people can go fuck themselves for all I care” attitude. I would imagine they are few and far between.

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