"Your're under our roof, so you have to obey us" What does that have to do with obedience?

I suppose a good way to resolve this would be to offer to pay your parents’ mortgage for the month so you could do whatever you want.

Lol I love how parents just use whatever lines were used on them or whatever they think they should be saying instead of using reason. It means that your parents don’t want to think outside the box or deal with you in a normal fashion, they just want to say that since they provide you with shelter, you better provide them with obedience, like a pet. It also means that they’re uncomfortable with whatever it is that got you into trouble and they are telling you that when you live independently, you can do whatever you want. They’re lying, because no matter where you live, they can and will still judge you for the things they think you’re doing wrong. can you tell I have issues with my parents? well, parent, dad died a couple of months back

Parents think of their homes as their own little town. They are the sheriff with their set of “laws”. I cannot tell you how many times I heard “my house, my rules” growing up.

Do you pay rent?

Unlogical? you fail english? unpossible!

yep, it’s your parents who are at fault. they’re totally stifling you by setting rules and expecting you to obey them. I mean, what do they do? gave you life, provide you with a place to live, food, protection, wanting the best for you? why should you obey them? obviously they dont realize what a special little flower you are and you know better. i mean, come on, they’re older and more experienced, what the hell do they know? pft. you show them! you move out, get your own roof, make your own damn rules! am i right? how could that go wrong?!

hell, move in with @Simone_De_Beauvoir. you can join her circus.

or you could step outside of being 15 for a second, realize youre not the singing, dancing shit of the world and obey your parents. Curiously, you don’t point out what was the source of the argument, just that mommy was all meansie peansie to you.

It means that as long as you are dependent on them for food and shelter, you have to live by their rules. The unspoken corollary is that you could go out on your own and live as you please.

Possession is nine tenths of the law. Technically, as long as your parents “own” you, you must obey them.

Society has this crazy way of holding parents responsible for their young. I mean, hell, they could have just dumped you in a dumpster during prom and never gotten in trouble right? oh….right.

@prolificus

I don’t think there’s any law saying you have to obey your parents…it’s just a nice thing to do.

And again, I will say it 1000 times if I have to: Parents are NOT infallible. Just because they think they are doing everything right and everything in your “best interest” doesn’t mean that they necessarily are.

Live on your own for a month and you might learn what being cooperative with the hand that feeds you and puts a roof over your head means.

It’s true what @DominicX said—you don’t have to obey your parents. It’s your choice to obey, or not. It’s their choice about what to do if you keep on making their lives rather more difficult. They could kick you out. After all, you don’t have a “right” to live there. It’s not your place. You didn’t pay for it. They could kick you out whenever they want.

If you’re willing to take the risk of getting kicked out and having to find your own food and shelter, then, by all means, refuse to make their lives any easier. Otherwise, choose to obey them more often. Choose to be helpful. Choose to be grateful. Your parents will love you and you’ll get a lot more of what you want.

What does that have to do with obedience?

Go to your room!

@Cruiser I agree that one should appreciate all that but the question isn’t whether or not that’s a good thing that parents do (of course it is) but it’s whether or not this means total obedience, no matter what.

There are rules in every aspect of life. So what happens when you get a job and your employer lets you know their rules? Are you going to complain how unfair and out of touch they are? See if they are as accomodating to your suggetions of change as Mom is. If you dont want to follow their rules, stop having them subsidize your life.

@softtop67

So what happens if a parent has a rule that the kid cannot have any friends? Atypical, but possible. Does this mean that the kid should just follow this rule without question and should not try to reason with their parents and make a change for the better?

We’re all assuming that the OP got caught drinking and is now bitching, which is certainly possible, but we don’t know that for sure.

@eponymoushipster

I don’t think parent’s get to take credit for “giving you life”, food, clothes, shelter etc. That’s part of the deal when you decide to reproduce, otherwise you’re a negligent/child abusing piece of shit.

That said, kids should follow their parent’s rules as long as they’re reasonable. My advice is to debate the merits of why their rule isn’t reasonable as opposed to just throwing a tantrum.

It should always be possible to discuss limitations set by parents. Screaming is not a productive form of negotiation.

Rules and boundaries are necessary in order for people to get along together. This is true in any environment and not just in a household. In the beginning, it is a one-sided arrangement because children are not in a position to assume responsibility on a par with parents.

Rules should also change over time, as the child matures (we hope the child is maturing). Parents often lag a stage or two behind the child’s actual growth. At the same time, kids typically think they’re ready for things that they’re not really ready for yet.

Ideally the rules should help the young person function in a family environment and also progress toward independence at a reasonable and healthy pace. Some parents are better at managing this than others. Some kids are better at doing their part than others too. Don’t expect perfection of parents; it’s impossible, and they don’t expect it of you. But a little rationality and a little goodwill on both sides go a long way toward keeping the situation livable.

Can you tell us specifically what the argument was about?

Curfew.

I’ll leave the sarcasm to others and just say that a young person whose parents don’t care what time they come home is the one with real problems.

@Lightning OK. They are providing you with a place to come home to, a bed to sleep in, and, I’ll bet, your very own room. They expect you to be home at a certain time to take advantage of those things, and you should be home by that time. If you don’t like it, move out.

@Lightning I know it seemed like a joke when I mentioned offering to pay the mortgage, but, depending on how old you are, you might want to consider offering to pay rent or to contribute in some other manner in exchange for more freedoms. It’s hard for parents to let their children grow up. But, the first step in being treated like an adult is showing your parents that you can begin to act like one. Perhaps, you could compromise on an extended curfew time one night a week.

Since they’re responsible for you, and, to a certain extent, you represent them, they have a right to set a time for you to return home, so that you’re safe and out of trouble.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I did not get “total obedience” out of what the question posited, I got “having to obey under my roof” which was in the wake of mom screaming at the kid and mom’s don’t usually scream unless the kid is not getting the clue and or being on defiant side. If total obedience was expected in that household that would have been hammered home and been quite clear a long time ago.

@DominicX Yes there are certain rules that are not reasonable (as defined by societal standards not those of a 15 yr old) and some possibly even harmful, but as a child under your parents roof you have little recourse unless they are violating law. As you can see the arguement was curfew. Score Mom 1 – @Lightning 0

Right now, you have a pretty sweet life, parents aside. In about 5–10 years, you’ll really come to appreciate how nice it is to be taken care of, to be fed, sheltered, clothed, etc. without having to worry about bills, car/house payments, and other real-world worries.

If you’re a minor and being supported entirely, well, yeah, you have to abide by the rules. The alternative is to move out and support yourself, but my recommendation is to suck it up and enjoy it while it lasts.

@softtop67

Yes, but if there is a problem amongst the parents and the kids about what is reasonable and what isn’t, should they try to discuss it and work it out? For example, say the parent forbids any kind of sleepovers. They may think this is reasonable, but the kid may disagree. Perhaps the parent just has the wrong idea about what a sleepover would entail. Maybe if they discussed it, they could work something out and bend the rule a bit.

The worst part is that too often kids don’t even bother to try and understand the rule. They don’t even ask their parents. Or maybe they do and the parent refuses to explain it.

If you’re under our roof, you have to follow our rules. It has nothing to do with obedience rather if you are living on someone’s largesse or as a guest, the host sets the rules of how things are done. For example if you are visiting someone, you clean up after yourself, you don’t help yourself to your hosts possessions w/o asking, you don’t bring uninvited people in, when your host goes to bed you remain quiet. Simple courtesy with the understanding that if you don’t like it you are free to go elsewhere.

It’s comparable to society’s rules in general. Society has certain expectations of people, in exchange for schools, police, etc.

That is the best way to raise rebellious kids who won’t listen to what you say.

@DominicX I think we are agreeing just at different stages of the discussion. I dont think everything out of a parents mouth should be an absolute. I believe there should always be communication and discussion around why certain rules or limitations are set. My point is that at the end of the day you do not need to agree with your parents when you live in their home you just need to respect their rules.

Your house, your rules.

@tinyfaery Huh?? Children are smart enough to understand why we have to be courteous and follow rules from a very young age, if you take the time to teach them. If you don’t, that is the best way to raise selfish, boorish adults

You know what? I just realized, I never, ever had a problem with my curfew. The reason for having one was perfectly logical and made perfect sense. I never questioned it. (In fact, after I was grown my Dad told me that he and Mom would laugh because I was home, boom, at 9:00 (or 10 or 11) p.m. on the dot! They’d jokingly wonder if I sat at the corner just out of sight, counting down the seconds! I wasn’t of course. I just had, and still have, and excellent sense of time and how long it takes to get from A to B.)

@Jeruba In your answer you were, as you so often are, the voice of wisdom with classiness.

Do as I say is not the way to raise intelligent, reasoning people. Every kid I ever counseled in a treatment facility said that that phrase made them angry and want to do the exact opposite. My dad telling me I had to deal with abuse if I wanted to live in his house pretty much sums-up my feelings on that. Might as well just tell the kid, do as I say not as I do.

No wonder we have so many fucked-up adults walking around in the world.

@softtop67

Agreed. I just have trouble relating sometimes, because I rarely ever disagreed with my parents’ rules. If I broke them (which I honestly didn’t do often), I knew they would be right to continue to enforce it. I just sometimes get the vibe from people on here that questioning and discussion are bad when it comes to parenting, which is funny, considering the nature of this site… :P

@Val123

I never had a problem with my curfew either. It was perfectly reasonable. The one time I broke it and got grounded, I was fully aware that I was being a jerk. :P

@DominicX My “punishments” were always perfectly logical too, and I never felt any resentment about them.

@jealoustome “I mentioned offering to pay the mortgage…” so let’s say @Lightning wrote an iPhone app that made big cash and he was able to pay the mortgage and pay for his family’s food, clothes etc. Does that mean he then gets to tell his parents not to have sex? or that they have to be home by x time? It just seems like a silly argument.

Imo, money has nothing to do with why you obey your parent’s rules (and you should obey them if they’re reasonable—curfew is reasonable).

The simple fact that you don’t understand their roof, their rules, tells me you probably don’t have a lot of responsibilities to call your own. Strap on a few and it will become clearer why they tell you you should have to obey them because they are footing the bill.

I was a rebellious teenager and even though at 18, my parents had a $1000 mortgage and i had to pay ⅓ of it ($75/week= $300/month), i still had to obey their rules. my problem was always with curfew (and i had a late curfew – like 2:00 a.m.), and yet i now understand and agree with it. if you are living in your parents home, you have to come home when they say. if you moved out and lived with someone else, you would probably have to live by their rules, also. if you live in a homeless shelter, you’re damn right you have to abide by a curfew. if your parents commit you to a residential home or a psych hospital, you think you can stay out till whenever you want? not saying that this is what will happen, but unless you work and make your own money, and have your own place, you probably have to abide by someone else’s rules.

@gorillapaws You can’t compare parents having sex with teenagers having sex. You also can’t compare a teens curfew to the silly notion of an adult having a curfew. His parents are responsible for him. He is not responsible for his parents.

@MagicalMystery Um. $300 is not half of $1000.

@Val123 I thought it said ½ too. It’s ⅓, I looked again!
@Lightning, I notice that you left a lot out. How old you are, for instance, and exactly what preceded your mom screaming. At a guess, it was at least half an hour of arguing with a kid who has an answer for everything and exasperation.
You have to obey rules all your life. If you live to adulthood, you’ll find that out. Suck it up, do what you’re told unless it involves human sacrifice. Chances are, your best interests are being looked after. Also, as parents who will be held responsible for everything you so, they do have a right to expect you to be where you’re told, when you’re told to do it. When you get all grown up and live in your own house, you can stay out all night, get drunk and drive, do drugs, get a tattoo, or whatever floats your boat. And you can answer to the judge if what floats your boat is against the rules in the adult world. I doubt he/she will be as nice as your mother.

@Val123 I agree that kids who pay the mortgage shouldn’t get to give adults curfew, the point was meant to illustrate that the reason why parents get to set curfew has nothing to do with paying the mortgage and everything to do with respect, responsibility, and the duties/obligations that parents have to their children as well as the duties/obligations a child has to his parents.

I can understand your frustration, having been a rebellious person myself in my youth. However, from a legal standpoint you have it wrong. I am an attorney so I think in terms of what is legal and what is not.

I assume that you are not a minor. If you are, your question is ludicrous because until you are of age you are in your parents’ legal custody and control.

If you are not a minor you live at their house at their pleasure. In legal terms you are a “tenant at sufferance” which means that they can kick you out at any time for any reason or no reason. Your mother’s point is that if you are going to have the benefit of room and board for free she is expecting that your part of the “bargain” is that you will obey their commands. From her point of view, that premise is reasonable.

Now your mother may or may not be unreasonable in the level of her control, and she probably is not expressing herself well, but those are other issues. If you cannot tolerate the situation your recourse is to move out, if you can figure out how to support yourself while doing it.

Also, when you look back on this in later years it may not seem so bad. I railed at my parents controlling behavior when I was a young adult living in their home from age 18 to 21. From the viewpoint of 35 years later I see that their motives were sincere, even though I still don’t necessarily agree with everything they required back then. My parents even subjected me to corporal punishment when I was flagrantly disobedient and disrespectful during that time. I didn’t like it then and I’m not sure even now if it was the correct thing for them to do. However, I’m not sure it was wrong either. If my rebellious nature and lack of respect for authority had not been tamed then, perhaps I would be living on the street by now rather than being a successful professional.

@Trillian Ah! So tis ⅓! Thanks

If you are under 18, or still in High School, your parents have the absolute right to say this.
I told my kids the rules, and told them “Bust the deal, and face the wheel”. They knew not to cross me.

Just popping in to point something out. Even when you move out of your parents’ house, you will still almost certainly still have someone else’s rules to follow. Apartments with rules about pets, noise limits in cities, landscaping regulations or whatever in developments/gated communities, &c… Sure, that’s not the same as a parent giving a curfew, but it’s still a fact that you can’t just go around doing whatever you want whenever you want.

Also, @Lightning: How old are you, what is your curfew, and what do you think would be a fair one?

@gorillapaws As you’ll notice in my second answer, I said that @Lightning could offer a contribution, “in exchange for more freedoms.” The first response was just to make a point that the parents provide food and shelter and therefore can require obedience, just like a boss provides pay thus he/she can require obedience. It is then up to the individual to decide if the terms are fair. If they are not, they can leave or face consequences for breaking the rules.

(Oh, and also I was trying to jokingly point out the problem with a parent stating that you must obey the rules simply because they own the house. That is why that would be a funny comeback for @Lightning to use. There was a double-meaning which, in my opinion, is what made it so clever. :) )

The second answer I wrote was more serious. A teenager does need to have control over some of their own decisions in order to learn to be a responsible individual. I think that behaving responsibly deserves a reward of more freedom.

@Lightning – Sometimes it sucks being a teenager. This may be one of those days. I’m going to guess that this is an ongoing issue, if mom is to the point of using the dreaded “my roof, my rules” line…right? Guess what, we get frustrated, too. We’re human and some of us can lose it from time-to-time, some more than others.

Your parent(s) set boundaries for a reason. Not to punish you, but to protect you. A curfew, though annoying, is there because they care. Also, it may be a city/town ordinance, as well. Let’s face it, what can a teen really be doing at 2am, 3am?? I was there, once, I know.

When our children leave the house to go out at night, there is a certain amount of worry that sets in, until they return. We have to trust that they will be okay. And when they start driving, wooooooo! That just jumps to a higher level of concern. Things happen, mistakes are made. Bad choices can be made, as well. If there is a pattern of those things, then parents tend to examine what is going on and want to figure out the best way to deal with things. If a teen is a bit more stubborn, well, things can deteriorate and we’re left yelling things that we swore we would never yell at our children. Not all parents, but yes, it happens!

Examine what you are doing. See what you need to do to help the situation. I can promise you that a sullen attitude and unwillingness to bend won’t be well received. If there has been ongoing friction, you may need to cool it and really work on earning their trust.

We set rules and want children to obey them not for fun, but to set boundaries to teach a child to be more responsible. In my house, if you are going to be late, possibly break curfew – use the phone and call me. If it’s a habit of breaking curfew…I cut back curfew for a little while until that trust is earned again. I’ve had to do that once. so far.

Parents are perfect, we make mistakes; however, children (teenagers) aren’t perfect either. Trust is a key factor.

You said this stemmed from a disagreement over curfew. I am a mother and had two teenage boys. I’m sure your parents want to know you are safe and sound before they can go to sleep for the night. Since they have responsiblities, they cannot stay up all night waiting for you to come home whenever you feel like it. Once my sons were grown, they told me about all the things they did that I did not know about. Your parents love you and are trying to protect you from all the bad things that can happen to you, not trying to make your life miserable just because they can. The only alternative to obeying them in exchange for a place to live, is to provide one for yourself. Unfortunately, once you make that happen, you will realize how lucky you were to have someone else provide for you. Coming home at a reasonable hour is a small price to pay for what you are getting in return.

@Lightning : several people have asked how old you are, what the curfew is supposed to be and what time you would like it to be and you did not answer. i am also curious, because that would kind of help illustrate your point and possibly explain your parents’ anger, or perhaps it would show if they might be somewhat unreasonable. can you tell your age, curfew time and curfew you’d like?

I think maybe @Lightning has decided we’re not going to back him up if we get details, and has abandoned the question. That or he stayed out past curfew and is grounded from the computer.

Curfew is actually a good work habit; when you have a job, you’re expected to be there on time or early.

My daughter started college early, lived at home, and had a boyfriend that was a college student who worked restaurant work. She expected to go out when he got off work, which meant leaving the house between 10 – 11 pm. She thought would come home around 1–2 am, because that’s when everyone else was going home. I, however, had to be at work at 7:30, and waiting up for a 16 year old to get home at 1:00 am did not fit with my plans. Nor did not waiting up for a 16 year old to get home at that hour when she was driving herself. Our compromise was that if she went out during the week, she had to be home at 10:30. Otherwise, her boyfriend and any friends were welcome to come here and stay to whenever they decided to leave. No drinking, but they were welcome to eat whatever they could find. That did not play too well with her, but her boyfriend did not think it was unreasonable.

When people are not where they are supposed to be at night, it’s very stressful for a parent.

@Exhausted Yours too huh? Last Mother’s Day my “gift” was my now-grown kids “confessing” everything they did when I “wasn’t looking.” Thanks a lot, guys! (It was a fun day… :)

@Exhausted @Val123 So, what did the kids do? Details, details! :-)

@Dr_Dredd Well, not too much from the sound of it…sneaking out after I was asleep, climbing out of their bedroom windows (on the second floor). They were pretty good kids. If they told me anything really bad, I guess I’ve decided to forget it!

I remember doing that same thing to my dad when I was in my 20’s…regaling him with the details of some of the things we did. Like, we had a stand up shower downstairs with a glass door that was held closed by a magnet. We got this wild hair to turn into into a people-aquarium. We plugged up the drain hole, intending to fill the whole shower with water! It didn’t work, thank goodness, ‘cause can you imagine the mess if it had started working and that shower door popped open from the pressure of the water??!!

@Dr_Dredd @Val123 The one thing that stands out the most was my oldest telling me that he and his girlfriend has sex in his bedroom with us sitting in the livingroom, with his door open. That would mean he was just out of my line of vision at the time because our house was small and I was sitting where I could see down the hallway directly into his room! They have yet to confess to sneaking out at night, but they did a lot of silly teenage things, just because they could, and did not want me to know, at the time, because they did not want me to think less of them.

@Exhausted Wow! He and his girlfriend must have been pretty quiet… :-)

@Dr_Dredd You got that right!