General Question

Eap6389's avatar

Should i be offended if he needs alone time?

Asked by Eap6389 (99points) March 19th, 2010

my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a month and don’t even spend all that much time together and he already needs alone time. Should I be offended? Is this a bad sign in the beginning of the relationship?!

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32 Answers

meagan's avatar

What does “alone time” mean? See ya in a week, don’t call my phone?

bob_'s avatar

What does he mean by “alone time”? A… yeah, what @meagan said.

Eap6389's avatar

like he doesnt want to spend time with me because he needs “alone time” I dont know what he means by it I just know that I am not included in it..

niks1112's avatar

It all depends on what happend, and why he needs his time alone…. sometime people just need time to be by themselves, and it has nothing to do with you. but again, what happened?

Fausnaught's avatar

NO! People are social but we are solitary as well. Don’t be offended.

Eap6389's avatar

nothing happened thats the thing. I was upset because of it and we got into a little tiffy but i mean nothing happened before he wanted this alone time

ChaosCross's avatar

If you have said everything I don’t think you should, I have a feeling your boyfriend is just an introvert.

Eap6389's avatar

what is an introvert? is that a bad thing??

niks1112's avatar

if nothing happened, then i believe that you shouldnt be offended, because from experience when someone wants time alone, you should give it to them. if not, that is what causes real problems, not just a little argument.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I wouldn’t be.It will give you time to do what you want.:)

jeffgoldblumsprivatefacilities's avatar

No, you shouldn’t be offended. I’m exactly the same way. I like to have my space, and sometimes I would rather be alone than in the company of others.

As long as he is only spending a reasonable amount of time alone, and also spends a reasonable amount of time with you, you shouldn’t feel offended or take it too personally.

Eap6389's avatar

but i cant help but not take it personally. Im so sensitive and I am trying not to be but when I want to spend time with him and he doesnt with me because he would rather be alone how do I not let this get to me?

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing. Look up Myer-Briggs for more info.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@Eap6389 You can not take it personally because it’s not about you. It’s about him. People need time to themselves He’s not saying that he doesn’t like you or doesn’t enjoy your company, he’s saying he enjoys his own company as well.

DominicX's avatar

Maybe you should ask him and find out why he wants it.

wilma's avatar

I certainly need my “alone time”.
That is exactly what I want, to be “alone”.
If I don’t get it, I get cranky and feel a little anxious.

jeffgoldblumsprivatefacilities's avatar

@Eap6389 Perhaps you should sit down and have a talk with him. You can discuss your concerns about him spending time alone, and let him know how it makes you feel. Conversely, he can tell you why he needs time alone. A little understanding from both parties will likely help smooth things over, and you can figure out what works best for the two of you. It’ll probably require some compromise by both parties, but it should work out for the better in the long run.

mrrich724's avatar

I’d be like, “just curious, what do you do during alone time?”

If the answer is, “see other women,” or, “just get a break from you,” then you might be worried.

If the answer is that he’s doing stuff he likes to do, then I don’t think it’s such a bad thing. B/C do you really wanna be a g/f who stops him from doing what he wants? If you do, it won’t last long and happy! He may just be a busy guy who’s trying to have a girlfriend…

Even if the answer is something like, “meditate,” or ,“not too much,” it still isn’t bad. People (everyone) should have alone time, just to be with themselves, clear their minds, and just have those moments to put thoughts together with zero distraction.

phillis's avatar

During the first few months of a new romantic relationship, if the person is attracted to you (romantically and sexually), the brain is bathed in massive amounts of norepinephrine. It’s a physiological, totally unconscious, natural reaction.

If a person has trust issues, a social phobia, or anything else that inhibits intimacy or staves off the natural response discussed above, then you cannot say with any certainty why the person is wanting personal time that does not include you.

Anything is possible. He may be like many of us, and simply values his personal time, or he may have lost that lovin’ feelin’. No one can be villianized for losing that feeling…...that’s just how it is.

No matter what the reason for his preference, there is no reason to be offended. If he cannot return your feelings, then you can call it a day, and harbor no ill feelings. Eventually, you will bump into a person who will be attracted to you, right? I mean, seriously…..the odds are strongly in your favor, here. Again, there is no bad guy in this situation.

In the end, I would graciously allow him his personal time. For one thing, it’s the respectful thing to do. Just live your life as normal, and when he is ready, he will call. However, he does owe you an answer if you ask him straight up whether he would like to move on to other pastures. Leading someone on just because you’re too spineless to have an honest conversation is never okay.

thriftymaid's avatar

Based on your details, I don’t think you are being insecure to worry a bit. You don’t spend that much time together to start with. In general, though, we all do need some time to ourselves. Some need more than others.

Rangie's avatar

I agree with papayalily, I don’t think this is about you. Think about it, don’t you ever go in your room and just hang out by yourself? Or just go shopping by yourself. Perhaps it is his way of collecting his thought for the day or week. How old are both of you? That may explain a lot things.

meagan's avatar

Not to be a kill joy, but it sounds like you’re young. So this probably isn’t your soulmate anyway. Don’t stress the small stuff.

Exhausted's avatar

When I was young, I wanted to spend every moment with my S/O and he wanted to spend most of his time with his friends. You’ve only been seeing him a month. Possibly he doesn’t need as much interaction with a S/O as you do, so he may not be a good match for you.

IBERnineD's avatar

I think it makes perfect sense for people to need alone time. In fact sometimes you need time to yourself or with others just so you have something new to tell your SO! I’m a firm believer in “Familiarity breeds contempt.” I wouldn’t be offended at all if my mate needed some alone time! I mean, you need to love yourself before anyone else, right? Oh and absence makes the heart grow fonder!
hmmmm…are there any other cliches I can fit in this answer?

babaji's avatar

Everyone needs to be in their space once in awhile.
Some more than others.
In a relationship, it might be noticed more, with the effect being thought of as being many different things.
...., but it’s a young relationship, give it a chance, and let it develop as it will and see what happens.
If you all are meant to be together, nothing can keep you apart.
Good luck

BoBo1946's avatar

red flag

Probably, not the one!

mollypop51797's avatar

I don’t think you should be offended just yet. Give it some time, and after his “alone time” is.. well done, maybe you can hang out and at least be back to normal. But just wait it out, time will give you the answer :)

Violet's avatar

I agree with @BoBo1946
The first few months are known as the honey moon phase, where the couple is all mushy, and wants to spend all of their time together.
If he wants space after only 1 month, I think he’s just not that into you.

plethora's avatar

I don’t think being offended is the issue here. What is the issue is reality. Is the man into you or not? You can’t change anyone else’s behavior, so the best course is to observe and see what you see. Believe the actions, not the words.I think both @Violet and @BoBo1946 have nailed it. If he is wanting his own space barely a month into seeing you, he’s got other plans on his mind and you are not part of them. That’s the way it goes. There will be others and one that just can’t get enough of you, especially in the beginning.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I agree with @BoBo1946
Anytime I’ve entered into a longterm relationship (years) then we’ve started out as a couple very into each other, lots of communication, being “mushy” and remarking on how lucky we feel to have that going on. Whenever a man’s talked about needing alone time then it meant these things:

He’s on the rebound and you are the number 2, 3 or 4 burner on the stovetop.
He’s dating multiple women or wants to be able to date multiple women.
He’s cheating on his girlfriend.
He’s enjoying your company when no better plans present / he’s not that into you.

GingerMinx's avatar

I have been married for 25 years and I have always loved my alone time. I am a solitary person and spend much of my time alone and I like it that way. If it concerns you ask him about his alone time, what is it he is needing the time for, simply because he is a solitary person or is he feelign a little smothered. Maybe you could use the time for a girls night out or to pamper yourself.

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