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Soubresaut's avatar

Advice on how to get my mom to tell me something she's not?

Asked by Soubresaut (12802points) March 23rd, 2010

Yes, sorry, there’s a lot to read…

So after a therapy session I’m just putting it out there that I’m having a few issues right now… that my therapist had my mom sit in on, my mom wanted to keep me home from dance that night, because she wasn’t sure I was “strong enough” to go… and then she kept me home from school the next day… and then dance that afternoon too. Only, she asked me if she wanted me to have her talk to my dance teachers so that they’d know that me staying home wasn’t “about them”.
That kinda freaked me out, but I didn’t want them thinking I was staying home because of something they did… so I said yeah, she could go. And she wasn’t quite clear on what she was going to say to them, just that it “wasn’t about them…” But she usually knows the right things to say and do, so I forced myself to trust her and agreed.
She was gone for about an hour and a half, and when she got back she told me that they had been worried about me, not sure what to do, and were so glad to get to talk to someone, that they got to vent some stuff… she said she “mostly just listened” and that they talked in “general terms to not violate my privacy” but that she “didn’t remember what they said”. And that’s all she told me, literally, after being gone so long saying who knows what…
That’s all she will tell me. And I feel like she’s lying to me, hiding something from me.—Do you think she is? I’m way uncomfortable around my dance teachers now, and I hate that. I feel like they’re either just putting up with me now, or pitying me and being easier on me because they feel like they have to.
I’m way uncomfortable around her, too, because I’m scared that I’ll say something that’ll make her think she has to butt into my life again (I’m 17… it feels a little invasive…)

I need a way to talk to her so that I can hear what she told them about me, what they think is “wrong” with me now or whatever, because I just feel weird around them now. Could you help me find the words?

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12 Answers

bright_eyes00's avatar

I dont know how helpful this will be but maybe you might have to just talk to your dance teachers. Not telling too much but just letting them know that you’re okay and dealing with things and that you would like to know if they have anything they would like to bring up with you. Talking with them frank and in a very mature way might get them to open up with you. I’m not sure what else to do but if it were me that is what I would do.

Silhouette's avatar

The last thing someone with trust issues needs is a group of people getting together to discuss them when they aren’t present. Next time your mother wants to let someone know what’s going on with you tell her you’d like to be there. It feels a little invasive to me too.

Trillian's avatar

Not without a lot more information. I’d go with what @bright_eyes00 said. The problem is going to be that you’re going to have to get into it rather deeply with them. I don’t know what ethics are involved here because I don’t know how old you are or what issues came out during the session.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Just think, in less than a year you won’t be forced to put up with any of it. Hang in there.


summerlover's avatar

Maybe just writing your mom a note letting her know how you feel, the same stuff you have written on fluther may help…she sounds like she loves you very much and only wants to help but may not know the best way to help. I agree with bight eyes about talking with your dance teachers…

Pandora's avatar

I may be misunderstanding this but since I you were not clear on what those issues are I can only assume things, so here goes. If you are already having issues I assume your mother doesn’t want you to feel any extra unnecessary pressures and that is why she isn’t bring up what they said. It very well may be that they had some concerns themselves and has noticed some changes in your behavior and simply were commenting them to your mother so she is aware. I’m sure your mother listened and assured them that you are on the right track to resolving some issues and maybe what they may do to help you. Perhaps she doesn’t want you to know because she feels it will hinder your progress.
I’ll give you and example. (not the same but its the best I got) My son in the 4th grade wasn’t doing well in class with one teacher. She called me and let me know that his was not progressing in her class. After she told me all the whys and hows, I told her what was the best approach for getting the best out of him. She tried it and it worked like a charm. If I had told him what I told her to do, he would’ve felt the whole thing was fake interest on her part, and would’ve not responded well. She was genuinely interested in his success but he wouldn’t have believed it.
So perhaps that is why your mother won’t tell you, because she feels it will not benefit you to know everything. Trust that she has your best interest at heart and go with that.

I know this isn’t what you wanted to know, but sometimes not knowing everything is helpful.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

Going in guns blazing is going to make her go “Shields Up” almost immediately.
You might have to sweet talk it out of her. It could take some patience on your part.
And don’t worry what people think of you. You’re fine as you are.

wundayatta's avatar

When I was depressed, I realized that I had begun to have paranoid delusions of a civilized sort. I came to believe that all my friends hated me (they never spoke to me) and that my wife also didn’t love me. On the rare occasions when she did profess love, I thought she was lying.

I would see the look on people’s faces and believe I knew what they were thinking. Awkwardness looked like disdain. Busyness seemed like a personal repudiation. Sketchy information because someone didn’t remember seemed like lying. And, of course, I always thought I was a fuck-up, and that everyone believed that, although they didn’t say it out of politeness.

So I removed myself so as not to affront anyone. They didn’t have to tell me they couldn’t stand me. I could tell. Why would I want to force my company on anyone? Why would anyone love me? I’m just a stupid, insensitive, untalented hunk of shit.

Well, when I am healthy, I understand that was a delusion I created to explain how insecure I felt.

I think it is important to entertain the possibility that your mother and your dance teachers are being straight forward. Your mother really doesn’t remember any more details about what happened (I know I wouldn’t), and your dance teachers really are concerned about you.

I’m telling you this because I can tell you, even if I can’t tell myself. It doesn’t matter if your dance teachers are going easy on you. They want you to succeed. They care enough to make a plan that will work for you. It doesn’t matter why they are still working with you. All that matters is that you have the opportunity.

I know it’s scary not to know what motivates people, but in the end, we can never know the inside of someone else’s mind. So we can only go on how they behave. Your mother and your dance teachers are acting as if they care. That’s enough. Take your dance lessons. You know you live for them. Don’t give up your life. Please don’t do that. It’s so hard when you’re depressed. But we have to struggle on. We have to shut down our paranoid thoughts—or ignore them—or pretend that the world is not as we know it is; but is instead a benevolent world where everyone likes us and cares for us.

It’s the only way the world can seem livable. I’m not saying give up your critical faculties. We still need to keep ourselves safe. But with people who should care about us, we should act as if they do care and they are caring.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Coming from the perspective of a mother of young adult daughters, and reading between the lines about what you’re not saying, I would venture a guess that from whatever was said in the counseling session your mother sat in on, that your mother may have some concerns dance studio is entirely supportive in your current situation, as dance studio culture can be quite demanding and difficult, even under the best of circumstances.

Your teachers are concerned about you. They may have been discussing what they they observed about your moods and behavior, your mother was listening to it from the perspective of really knowing you, and what’s going on with you. She had no reason to recall the detail, because what she was really listening for, was were they telling her anything she didn’t already know. Whatever they said was consistent with what your mother already knows about what’s going on with you.

Perhaps the question you should pose to your mother—“When you talked to the teachers, did they tell you anything that you and I don’t already know?”

JLeslie's avatar

Well, I don’t think you are being paranoid. Although, I would not jump to the conclusion that it was anything very negative. I would talk to your teacher or mother directly, and say you would like to know what they talked about. Probably better to speak to your mom, because your teacher might worry more about saying something she feels she shouldn’t. Tell your mom that you are very uncomfortable in dance class because of the whole interaction and being left out of the loop.

You are not 7 years old, you are 17, and of course you know when somethng is not adding up.

JLeslie's avatar

They basically spoke behind your back in front of your face. It’s rude.

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