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Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Pregnant and feeling down and depressed?

Asked by Lothloriengaladriel (1550points) March 27th, 2010

I’m pregnant and just found out yesterday I am having a girl; because of how active she’s been I had an idea I was having boy the entire pregnancy, Although my preference was a girl I feel quite down since finding out because it is likely that I will be a single mother, and the father probably won’t be very involved if at all, I feel bad because I feel like a girl should have a father, and be able to be a daddy’s girl, and have that special connection with her daddy, I also grew up without my father and hated my mother so much for it until I was older and learned why they were not together. I feel as though I cannot provide her with everything she needs, all the love she deserves and a father figure in her life, and I feel guilty and sorry that I’m even doing this to her. Can someone please provide me with some encouraging words?

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40 Answers

janbb's avatar

Life is long, you don’t know what will happen to you. It’s more than likely she and you will find someone that will be a father figure to her in time. Don’t feel trapped by the feelings you had about your childhood; my husband hated many things about the way he was raised, resolved to be a more loving parent, and was. There are many people we meet in life who are parent figures to us; they are not necessarily our biological parents, but they serve us well. You can do it, sweetie.

dpworkin's avatar

Boys and girls each need a father. All children need two parent figures. The good news is that they don’t care if they are “biological” or not.

It’s not time to worry yet about career outcomes for your child; it’s time to worry about yourself, and why you feel down.

One possibility is that your depression is hormonal. That can happen. Another is that you are under a great deal of stress, and stress can help to trigger a depression.

Whatever it is, focus on your feelings, and on seeing if you can, with or without help, improve your mood.

Life may surprise you very pleasantly when it comes to the other issues.

escapedone7's avatar

I just want to give you a biig hug.

Visualize holding your baby in your arms. Try to picture in your mind, the little precious baby, placing her in her baby bed, singing to her. You are probably going through hormone hell, but in the end, you will be so blessed. You will probably find an inner strength you never knew you had, a stronger love than you ever could fathom. It’s going to be alright.

casheroo's avatar

(((hugs))) I’m sorry you’re going through this all alone. Pregnancy is such an emotional roller coaster, and the littlest things can set you off into a tailspin.
From everything I’ve read, your daughter will be better off without her father in the picture. You’ll have to take on a lot of roles once your daughter is born, but you need to have confidence in yourself. You have to be strong for your daughter and show her that you love her..that is all she will need. And maybe down the road you’ll meet the perfect husband and father for your daughter, and it’ll all work out. BUT, concentrate on yourself and your daughter. She’ll be fine with you as a parent.

Also, keep your OB posted on your emotions. Sometimes after the birth, PPD can strike and it’s good to keep touching base with your OB on your emotions while pregnant so they can catch it and get you the help you need right away.

Response moderated
janbb's avatar

@neverawake Do you really enjoy being a pain in the neck? Someone who is down asked for encouragement, if you don’t feel you want to give it, just pass on by.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

You’ve been given the opportunity to shape someone’s life! What a beautiful thing! I wish you and your little girl the best :))

neverawake's avatar

@janbb But I thought that was helpful…sheesh, talk about unappreciativeness. and about the pain in the neck question- i do enjoy it occasionally.

janbb's avatar

@neverawake We all enjoy it ocassionally but maybe you should learn to pick your times better.

neverawake's avatar

@janbb i’ll see what i can do.

dpworkin's avatar

@neverawake Maybe it’s time to wake up.

gailcalled's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel: Have you reconciled with your mother? Do you have any family (siblings, aunts, cousins) who might be able to provide some suppor?

@neverawake: Remind me to kick you in the shins, for my amusement, the next time we meet.

neverawake's avatar

@dpworkin nah..i enjoy sleeping too much.
@gailcalled can’t we all just get along?

gailcalled's avatar

Whoever throws the first punch is responsible for breaking the peace.

dpworkin's avatar

@neverawake You are nowhere near as amusing as you seem to think you are.

gailcalled's avatar

@neverawake: And think twice before you take on both @dpworkin and @janbb.

neverawake's avatar

@dpworkin hey pal, who said i was amusing? definitely not me. you’re the one who brought it up, but now that i think about it, i think i am quite amusing..

neverawake's avatar

@gailcalled oh? and why is that??

gailcalled's avatar

@neverawake: The audience decides who is funny and not the putative comedian.

janbb's avatar

I think we are probably detracting form the goal of encouraging the OP. I did flag his first post; hopefully it will be removed soon.

neverawake's avatar

@gailcalled mm…i think i decide for myself..not the other way around :)
@janbb i really really REALLY don’t know why everyone is picking on me today just for an honest answer i wanted to give..suddenly i’m the bad guy for telling the truth sigh tsk tsk

gailcalled's avatar

@janbb:Save your breath.

janbb's avatar

Maybe you need to go away and think for a while about why blaming someone whom you don’t know for choices they made that you don’t know anything about and that are irrevocable anyway isn’t particularly helpful. And I’m done.

neverawake's avatar

@janbb i’m not blaming anyone. i see the same old crap everyday so i’m actually kind of used to it. just trying to lend out a helping hand, you know

meagan's avatar

Just because you aren’t with the child’s father, doesn’t mean you won’t meet someone new and get married and provide a new father for her :)

cazzie's avatar

Gee,... I do want to have you over for dinner and a chat. Get my best girls around and have a big ‘women power’ meeting.

MANY successful people have grown up without biologicals in their lives. It’s less important that you think. What is important is having a strong role model and mentor type. If the sperm donor doesn’t want to take a proper, active role, then he’s not the type of role model you want around. And life IS long and lots can happen within 5 years or so.

My son doesn’t see his father full time and when he is around, he doesn’t spare that much time for us, so everyday I am thankful to the male daycare workers who work wonders with my son and to the fathers of his friends who are so generous with their time and love.

As a single mother, you need to learn to reach out and there is absolutely no shame in this. That old saying that it takes a village is true. We weren’t designed for this industrialised life where we are separated from our family. But that’s reality for most of us. If we aren’t near our family, we need to create one.. adopt one. There are positive role models around. Her friends and her friends dad’s will have an impact. Try to find an environment with some healthy adults around. You’ll both blossom.

RedPowerLady's avatar

Hugs Sweetie!! There are lots of amazing women alive today who were raised by single mothers. You created a beautiful life! And the fact that you are feeling guilty just shows how much you care.

To make you feel more “normal” you should know that many (probably most) parents (no matter their situation) go through a period of similar feelings.

Barak Obama was raised by a single parent. Regardless of your political affiliation becoming President is a huge accomplishment.

thriftymaid's avatar

All children need both a mother and father regardless of their gender. Is this the first time this has crossed your mind?

RedPowerLady's avatar

@thriftymaid All children need both a mother and father regardless of their gender.

Many, many people are raised happily w/out both a mother and a father in the home. They need both to be created but it is not necessary to have both to be raised.

thriftymaid's avatar

@RedPowerLady A child can be raised in an orphanage with neither. That doesn’t mean they get everything they really need.

RedPowerLady's avatar

@thriftymaid Although I agree that it may be better to have both parents there are also many circumstances where it would be worse. For example if mom and dad don’t get along so much so they argue and fight all the time. It is better then for baby to feel safe with one parent than to constantly feel unsafe. Therefore there is no reason to chastise someone who cannot provide both parents. Many people grow up completely whole w/out both parents.

cazzie's avatar

Yes, and a child can have the appearance of having both parents and STILL don’t get what they need. Sheesh.

dpworkin's avatar

I hope no one understood me to mean that a single parent can’t raise a child. What I meant is that children are better served when they can be exposed to the influence of two parents, biological or not, custodial or not.

My children live with their mother, but they have access to me, and to my ideas and beliefs and behavior. I believe that helps.

cazzie's avatar

@dpworkin I was replying more to thriftymaid. Those replied seems a bit cold.

Devri's avatar

I too had a little girl and raised her as a single mother. She is now over 30 years old. My advise to you is to raise her the best you can with all love and thoughtful direction, pray and ask God to care for you and her. Don’t run to find a father for her but date with the mind of seeking the best for yourself and for your child, a man that would be a good husband and father, but before you begin to date find out what a good father and/or husband looks like then reject all those who do not come up to those standards. Don’t settle, but ask God for guidence and stick to what you have learned. If you desire the best for her and yourself you two will be just fine. And when you are searching for positives think of the great relationship you can have with her and start working on that now with positive thinking and love.

I hope all the best will be yours.

thriftymaid's avatar

@RedPowerLady Chastise where you need to. Of course there are times parents cannot stay together. How many times do you see on this site “my boyfriend and I want to have a baby,” or scenarios like the one here. Adults in stable marriages provide the best chance for a child to grow up secure and stable. That’s a fact. Of course, you CAN still make a meatloaf without an egg; it will be pretty good, but there is still something missing. A single parent cannot be both a mother and a father.

I’m pretty tired of hearing people constantly give your argument to defend a society that is losing it’s basic source of security and stability—a strong family.

cazzie's avatar

@thriftymaid mainly….
Family is what you make it. Having a basic source of security and stability doesn’t have to come from from some pre-formulated notion. It’s a myth that the somehow children need this ‘married’ male-female unit to bring them up and I’M TIRED of people trying to perpetuate this myth. Children need some sort of tribe; a network of people that can help meet the child’s needs and offer up good role models.

We started losing our ability to care properly for our offspring long before you think and it has NOTHING to do with the men and women divorcing or women having babies on their own. The industrial age ushered in a huge wave of city migration. People from the countryside moved off the land to get jobs in factories. They left their parents, grands, aunties and uncles and everyone they knew. A mother who is away from her support system, (even is there is the father there, he can be pretty useless and no substitute for a female friend or family member) is more hampered in bringing up a child than if she has JUST the father. There was on organisation that started in recognition of this and it treated any and every mother and child who went to them and did not judge. It was a badge of pride showing off your ‘Plunket book’ when you were a grown up.

And taking this line of argument with a pregnant woman who is already feeling down and let down by the father is neither helpful NOR civil.

RedPowerLady's avatar

@thriftymaid What I’m tired of is a nation that doesn’t support mothers. We force babies off the breast and mothers into the workplace only weeks after their new birth. It’s atrocious. We are f the only industrialized country with such a poor support system for new mothers. We except them to add to our economy and no longer support them creating strong families by allowing them to do their primary job: mother. We offer no regulated paid maternity leave, the leave we do allow is unpaid and a mere 12 weeks which is not comparable to any other industrialized nation, and we only newly have a support in place for mothers to pump milk from a machine so their babies can receive breastmilk which is not comparable to allowing mothers to be home to breastfeed (not to mention huge gaps in this law that don’t support working mothers who are salaried such as teachers as an example). So if you want stronger families I suggest you write your congressman and get some support for a mother friendly nation. You can disagree with single parenthood and divorce all you want but you can’t make change on that forefront. You can make change where it counts though.

RedPowerLady's avatar

apologies for the typos, i was multitasking

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