Social Question

honeybunches's avatar

What do I do about me feeling threatened by my boyfriend meeting new girls?

Asked by honeybunches (38points) March 29th, 2010

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years but 1 year long distance. We’ve been great and see each other as much as possible! He has a friend who is a girl and is a battle buddy of his, and she throws parties. I looked at her party picture album and saw pictures of him surrounded by 4 girls. It wasn’t sexual or anything, but just a picture and some silly ones..but now I feel a bit threatened because he could easily date one of these girls and leave me.

I’m feeling insecure, should I talk to him about it so that I feel better letting out my feelings? I kind of don’t want to tell him I’ve been snooping on his friend’s page at the photo albums (even though it’s public).

I know I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s hard when it’s long distance.

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29 Answers

phillis's avatar

When will people learn that you cannot control others? He’s either going to tap it, or he’s not. Save yourself the pain and break up with him right now. You’ll still be an insecure control freak, but at least you’ll be able to say you were’t the one who was dumped.

DarkScribe's avatar

Ignore phillis…

Fieryspoon's avatar

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. He’ll either get defensive about it, which means that you guys have underlying communication problems, or you’ll work through it and you’ll reach some kind of compromise which leaves both of you feeling better about it. Well, you feeling better about it and him knowing what’s going on.

My fiancée and I have been long distance for about a year and a half, and when we first moved apart we had some similar problems. She would go out with some of her friends and meet some new interesting dudes and I would feel lonely or worried that she’d fall for one of these new guys. She felt the same way whenever I went out with my friends and told her about some girls I met. After all, proximity is a huge factor in falling in love, so why not worry, right? There’s nothing other than self discipline to stop us and that’s pretty tough if you’re drunk.

We solved our problems by making a commitment to at least check in with each other a few times throughout the night, just to make sure that the other one felt loved and missed. It takes a little bit of work to make sure you continue to think of your long distance partner when you’re out at a party, but I’m pretty sure the peace of mind is worth it.

If you tell him how you’re feeling and that you’d like him just to call you and tell you about the party while he’s out, then you’ll probably start to feel a lot better. Don’t act needy, but also don’t act like he’s done anything wrong or not trustworthy either. Just be reasonable and treat him like an adult. Your feelings aren’t unreasonable and ignoring them will ruin your relationship. Luckily, the solution is simple and pretty painless.

MacBean's avatar

Definitely ignore @phillis.

It sounds to me like you trust him and feel silly for feeling threatened. And it also sounds like you weren’t really “snooping” to look at those pictures, you were just doing what you could as a long-distance girlfriend to keep up to date on what’s going on in his world. I think maybe if you talked to him about it, he might be able to make you feel better about it. As a veteran of long-distance relationships, though, I suggest being careful with how you talk to him about it. He probably feels some stress about the distance, too, and may get defensive if you use language that makes it sound like he’s to blame.

DarkScribe's avatar

Relationships are in a constant state of flux (at least they are while they are still exciting) – particularly when distance is added to the equation. To react to something that has not proved to be constant can be potentially damaging. The problem here is you – not as yet your boyfriend. When much younger I had had experience of a jealousy in a relationship. A women who I truly adored and would not have dreamed of cheating on destroyed our relationship because I received attention from other women – not because I initiated or responded to it.

honeybunches's avatar

Thanks everyone! Well, I do trust him but as a long distance girlfriend I’m not used to seeing him in pictures with ALL girls! I’m thinking “Where the heck are the guys in this pic?” But I try to think of that time when I was hanging with a guy friend…and he invited me to the bar an I ended up being the only girl…so it happens I guess

partyparty's avatar

Speak to him and explain how you feel. If he cares about you, then he will do his best to reassure you.
But the only concrete thing you can really do is trust, trust and more trust. Without that your relationship doesn’t stand a chance.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

I would say you just either talk to him, or break up he has to choose. And If he chooses to break up then he isn’t worth it!:

JeffVader's avatar

The key thing I think you should remember is that you are a girl…. which means that at least on some very small level, you’re crazy. In all seriousness, I don think what you are feeling is unnatural or over the top. The important thing is how you deal with your feelings. If you have no genuine reason to be concerned then it’s just a question of coming to terms with the fact that he will have female friends, & some of them might even be hot. This doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat though. It’s probably worth having a word with him, although try not to come off all controlling & bitchy as that’ll just annoy him, just so he’s aware that you’re not entirely comfortable.

Mulot's avatar

Long distance relationships can make you be easily paranoid, more than “normal” relationships. If it’s been 3 years you are together, and that you know him well, I understand you feel “threatened” by others girls around him, but he cannot avoid to meet the opposite gender all day long.

If you feel threatened not just time to time, but kind of all day long, without a particular reason, then maybe you have something on your mind, or think about something you did and without knowing it you are feeling guilty and image you boyfriend having a “revenge”, but it doesn’t seems to be the case since you feel this way when you see him on other’s pics.

As long as you trust each other, you can forget about being threatened, maybe one time when you’ll see him with a girl on a picture you’ll have this thought crossing your mind (“Who is this girl ?”), but it’ll disappear quickly after.

Also in a (very) long distance relationship, I can totally understand you, and also in the other way, the boyfriend sometimes paranoid for silly little things, but trusting his soulmate ;) After all, it’s normal to feel concerned about the one you truly love, no ? :)

higherground's avatar

I do know where you are coming from when you talked about feeling threatened and the sense of insecurity. But there is really no point in feeling this way just because of what you saw, because they are the main cause of those silly thoughts in your head. Especially in long distance relationships, you’ll be thinking way too much as your boyfriend is not by your side and you are not there physically to see what is happening.

In my humble opinion, the best option is to talk to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. However, bear in mind that he might think that you have trust issues. So do try to sort your thoughts a bit before talking to him and do not jump into conclusions. Try to get him to help you understand what is going on in the picture, and don’t accuse him of something unless you really have substantial evidence against him. A relationship is between one couple, not two people.

Do try to put yourself in his shoes too – what if he was the one who was upset with you taking photos with other guys?

courtneeRAWR's avatar

you should speak to him about your feelings, and after that if you still feel the same, end it with him. because he is not worhth you.

COurtneeSmeLls's avatar

dump him!! defo no one is worth that!

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@honeybunches, it is really common with military relationships to have this kind of social stress. It’s related to the separation, and the fact that battle buddies have a bond that you cannot share. Jealousy is best tamed by having it come out in the open by talking about your feelings in a calm matter-of-fact way. Think about if the situation were reversed, how would you want your boyfriend to address it with you. Socializing with a friend and her friends is different than hanging out at a bar with a bunch of guys. did you post a similar question under a different screen name?

Are you guys making plans for more together time after graduation? That would be a better gauge of where the relationship is heading. Three years should give you a sense of where the relationship is heading.

hug_of_war's avatar

Definitely talk to him. After 1.5 years of long-distance I’ve learned it’s better to talk about things as soon as they crop up instead of waiting and dealing with a much larger issue. I would probably preface it with “I know this is silly/ridiculous/stupid but….” so he knows I’m not insinuating that he’s acting improperly. Open communication is the key to all relationships but when you’re long-distance, even moreo.

TheOnlyException's avatar

You should definitely talk to him about it rather than let these feelings eat you up as they will end up ruining your relationship in the end. Talk to him about how you feel and if he is worth your trouble, he will understand, maybe even back off with all these girls or do something to make you feel special. At the end of the day it is all about whether or not you can trust him, because without trust your relationship will go to pot. Dont worry it is normal for you to feel insecure.

Idknown's avatar

@PandoraBoxx Yes, this is the same question.

@honeybunches Trust, you have to have… blah blah blah. Ad nauseum.

Idknown's avatar

@JeffVader I think she wants to do something about it. I agree with you that there’s nothing at this time to do, but I can tell she’s really distressed about it.

What’s best for her would be to eliminate the long distance part of the relationship so she can gain some security. But that won’t be possible for a while.

I don’t think this relationship will last just due to her behavior in not letting go. I hate to take the unpopular side, so feel free to ignore me @honeybunches, @DarkScribe if I don’t go with the ‘talk to him’ route. (Or ignore me all together!) For her sake, I hope she can keep this just between her and Fluther, but unfortunately, I get the bad feeling that he’s heard this problem before, and she’s just not letting go, rather she’s adding more ‘problems with his behavior’ to the list (staying overnight the friends place, spending a lot of time over at her place as friends – now it’s being at her parties with other girls, this list will only get bigger) – which will only serve to aggravate him, and combined with the long distance ‘problem’, allow her to be easily categorized as work as he’ll have to constantly reassure her – and then she won’t believe him.

@honeybunches I won’t pretend I know you. But based on the snippets of talk we’ve had over the last week – I am in agreement with @phillis and others that you should just end your relationship based on your personality traits and well being. You need someone that will worship the ground you walk and become a monk while outside and looking down to avoid contact with other women for fear of temptation. The good thing is – men like these DO exist, I was one of them for my first relationship. So look for yours and be happy.

Sophief's avatar

Let me know when you know!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Learn to have confidence in yourself and in your relationship – the more insecure you are, the more he’ll pick up on it, the more it’ll seem as if he might want to consider going outside the relationship. It’s like this: if you aren’t constantly paranoid, it shows and it translates into your partner knowing where the two of you stand and he will enjoy the security and it he has any brains at all, he won’t even want to be with any other girls, because why should he be when he’s got you? If he has no brains and thinks it’s worth it, then you shouldn’t be with him anyway.

davidbetterman's avatar

Go out and meet some new boys…See how he likes a taste of his own medicine.

phillis's avatar

Absolutely! Please ignore me. I’m the only person in my family in 3 generations who has never been divorced. Obviously, I have NO idea what I am talking about. Please carry on year after year in complete misery.

Just_Justine's avatar

I agree with Phillis. How much can you control? How much do you desire to control? Only when we realize we have no control, do we know peace. You may be surrounded by guys all day in various ways, but you do not want them? If you do then the fear is yours and it is about you. When something is about you, it needs to stay there, own it. By owning it we can change it. You can lock him in a cage, but your arms will hurt when you try to touch him. He will no longer be the happy guy, but instead a guy in a cage. Hold some sand in your hand very tightly that is how fast he will spill to the ground away from you. Instead welcome love into your life. Embrace his friends of all sexes, you might find you not only have a boyfriend but have made some wonderful friends into the bargain.

PacificToast's avatar

I say talk to him about your insecurities but not confess to seeing the photos.

Trillian's avatar

If you cannot trust your SO, you’ll never be happy. if you are with a person whom you cannot trust, dump him and reassess your own selection process so the next time you can be with someone who can be trusted.
I say this as one who has survived being with a totally untrustworthy jerk who never told the truth about anything.
Good luck.

lonelydragon's avatar

Distance magnifies insecurities in a relationship. You probably wish that you could be a part of his daily life in the same way that these friends are. So why not work on getting closer to him? When you converse, invite him to talk about his daily activities and friends. This is a good way to both maintain the connection and alay your worries, because knowledge is the antidote to fear.

If you feel comfortable, you might talk to him about your concerns. The last time I was in an LDR, I openly admittted to being envious of one or two of his female friends, and his genuine befuddlement (“Why would I be interested in her?”) helped allay my jealousy. Depending on your relationship dynamic, you may not want to be as plain-spoken, but you could tell him that you fear for the health of your relationship because you can’t be part of his daily life. If he’s a decent, respectful man, he’ll reassure you and work with you to find a solution.

YARNLADY's avatar

Contact his base commander or the family and friends counselor for his home base and find a group you can join to share your experiences with.

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