General Question

ashxmy_lovee's avatar

How can I bring back the spark in my relationship?

Asked by ashxmy_lovee (161points) April 3rd, 2010

In all of my past relationships, once the guy feels like the initial spark & feeling of a new, exciting relationship is over, they leave.
My current boyfriend just recently told me that he feels like that feeling is going away, and in his past he has never stayed with someone after that feeling goes away.
He is flirting with this one girl, he doesn’t know I know about, and it’s probably because he’s looking for a way to get that sparky feeling back.
I’ve sat down and talked to him about how he’s feeling, but nothing is going anywhere.
What can I(we) do to help bring that spark back, or at least get through this?

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28 Answers

dpworkin's avatar

He mistook infatuation for love, and if he is not mature enough to learn to love you are well rid of him.

davidbetterman's avatar

Make a wish at 11:11 and then repeat it as much as you can for a minute. You will soon have the spark again!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

What @dpworkin said… Plus… Don’t make yourself so available. A guy worth his salt likes a challenge. Keep him on a string from time to time. Have a private life without him. Create a mystery for him to uncover about you. Don’t give it all away.

Best to make yourself the best you can be without anyone to require validation from. Guys will see the strength in that, and find it very attractive for the long term.

Uh… and please don’t torture him with sitting him down and talking about “how he’s feeling” uuggggh! Guys hate that and consider it needling and clingy. How weak and unattractive do you want to be to him?

Just go about your life and make yourself a bit more exclusive. That’s what attracted him in the first place. Don’t make your entire life about him. Give his male ego something new to conquer. And get yourself out of this pattern as soon as possible before it’s too late, and you become an old lady that wonders why her people pleasing turns people away.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

If you want his attention… then ignore him. Trust me, just do it. You’ll see. People want what they cannot have.

Freedom_Issues's avatar

Tell him the sparky feeling comes and goes. After all, you’re human and it’s not going to be exilerating all the time.

hug_of_war's avatar

Love may start as a feeling, but to keep it, it must become an action. Love isn’t the infatuated passionate “I need you every second” stage – that’s the easy part. A lot of people don’t realize that they have had so many relationships because they always bail out. Love doesn’t die with time, but it does change. You can’t force someone to realize that though.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

People seem to forget that relationships are about getting to know and care about each other. If that is not a main focus of the excitement, then you and the guy have got you focus too much on the physical and too little on each other.

partyparty's avatar

Don’t chase him at all. Let him do the chasing. I know it is easy for me to say this, but hard for you to do in reality. But it does work.
Men love the challenge of a woman who is not easily available.

Scooby's avatar

Sounds to me he’s trying to let you down gently, he at least has been honest with his feelings, maybe time to move on, if you’re still young there’s plenty of time to get to meet & know new people, hope things work out for the best! ;-)

Just_Justine's avatar

I think he likes the “falling in lust” part and hasn’t yet learned how to maintain the next important part of a relationship.

Bagardbilla's avatar

not all men chase!
Some of us are in touch enough with our feelings to not play stupid games when it comes to relationships… It may be how we are built (when we were 16)... but easy to overcome with even the slightest bit of level-headedness, pride (in ourselves), and maturity.
with all due respect, these sort of beliefs are the reason people PLAY games in relationships…

partyparty's avatar

@Bagardbilla That is so very mature of you, and lovely to hear, thanks

ucme's avatar

Find someone who isn’t afraid of commitment.I’m sure you will, just a matter of time.

Cruiser's avatar

I agree with @dpworkin here. The guy has already expressed the feeling is gone which is a shallow excuse to cut and run on you. If relationships were all about spark, marriage as an institution would cease to exist. Find another guy that will genuinely appreciate waking up with you for a couple thousand days in a row.

mrentropy's avatar

As usual, I agree with @dpworkin
He doesn’t sound like he’s grown up yet.

aprilsimnel's avatar

That happened with my last relationship. And at first I thought it was all my fault. I forgot he had some agency in his behaviour as well. And I was living my life. Sometimes, the person you are with just isn’t ready to go past the infatuation stage. Sometimes, people just become addicted to that high of infatuation, like my ex was. And it got worse when he was away from someone. He’d yearn and pine and all that. When a woman was in his day-to-day life again, he lost interest quickly. I was lucky enough to see this when I stayed in touch with him long enough to see it happening with another woman. Then stopped feeling bad.

I would live my life, just as @RealEyesRealizeRealLies says. Not to make myself more “mysterious” to him, but because I have my own life that being with a man is only a part of. He could be a big part, but no, just having a relationship isn’t enough to sustain a person. Talk to him once more about how you feel. If he’s not down with getting to know and learn about you (and himself) in the nitty-gritty of a relationship, where people are imperfect and and actually show emotions that aren’t rainbows and sunshine from a unicorn’s arse, then let him go. He’ll learn soon enough that the high doesn’t work when you need more from a relationship or yourself.

whyigottajoin's avatar

Maby you could try to do more stuff together, even if it’s little things like watch a movie together and hang on the couch, or go out somewhere together. =)

ashxmy_lovee's avatar

It’s just, he says he’s happy with me, but he just doesn’t know how to stay interested in the relationship after the spark is gone. And I can’t help him cause I’ve never had that problem. Even after the initial feeling is gone, I’m still so in love with him & I don’t want anyone else.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Then do what it takes to rekindle the spark. Walk away and watch him follow. It’s not a game at all. It’s part of young relationships. It’s just a fact of dealing with young men. And it gives them great cause to respect you.

Over time, it is respect that turns into a foundational love, real love for one another.

gorillapaws's avatar

Are things good when you’re both intimate? or are there problems in the bedroom? Sometimes “spark” can be a metaphor for physical intimacy. Maybe you guys can “jazz it up” in the bedroom by trying new things and having fun together.

phillis's avatar

Somebody once told me this: If you are bored, it’s because you’re boring.
After I was finished being all offended, it made perfect sense. The spark in a relationship is a two-way street, first ans foremost. You have to ask your SO if he is intersted in working with you on this.

There are tons of fun things you can do…...

Send each hand written love notes (not texts).
Write a poem.
Tell each other what you like about each other once a week or so.
When the light hits his eyes a certain way, tell him they are beautiful.
When one of you does something well, mention you liked how they did it.
Who is good at their job? Talk about that.
Self-confidence is a HUGE turn-on. Work on being confident (but not a braggart).
Depending on your age! Try new things in the bedroom.
Pay special attention to each other’s needs and wants.

A person is with us based on how they FEEL when they are around us. Women often nag, men often are oblivious to women’s feelings. Each of those items listed is all about stepping outside yourself for the benefit of the other person. Pay attention to the good things in each other! It’s a wonderful thing to do for another person.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies It’s just a fact of dealing with young men no it’s not a fact
And it gives them great cause to respect you. that’s just sad.

ThrallKiller's avatar

It sounds like he has the “shiny” mentality. Many people enjoy the new feeling of becoming closer to someone, but the newness quickly wears off and they get bored. That new feeling is so exciting; why do you think so many married ppl have affairs? They’re half-heartedly commited to their spouse, and they become bored with the mundane marriage ritual and they either actively or subconsiously seek that “shiny” again.

A man who is truly commited to you will not need the shiny. I’ve been married 13 years and my wife still shines for me, even in her pajamas and bunny slippers.

bright_eyes00's avatar

With a sincere concern for you, I suggest letting him go and moving on. If he gets all “spark-less” now he’ll do it again. That is my experience with guys. The way they are is the way they will always be unless he has a desire to change which is rare. I am going to hope that I can safely assume you are mature enough to understand that he’s still stuck in “little boy mode”. You mentioned that you deserve better in your profile and you’re right. You should never lower your standards just to keep a guy around. The one who is right for you wouldn’t be flirting with other girls, he’d be working on keeping you in his life.

phillis's avatar

@bright_eyes00 Tell me if I am misunderstanding. It seems there is an awful lot being assumed here. “Little boy mode”, “he’ll be this way forever” do we know that she hasn’t any issues, herself? I’m not saying she does, but this problem is common even in well established relationships. We don’t even know if he’s really flirting or if it’s just the way she’s viewing it, going by the information offered. What am I missing here?

bright_eyes00's avatar

@phillis i just wrote a long response and my computer froze, causing me to lose it all. i’m not assuming she’s untouchable in this situation. i know relationships are two way streets. she could be insecure about his “flirting” if it is even that. but wouldn’t she have right to be insecure when they are obviously going through a rough time and he’s giving her even the slightest impression that he’s interested in someone else? I was simply responding to her question. I wasn’t trying to give “Dr. Phil” advice and see how she’s doing things wrong.

Everything I say will make me come across as a hater on his part. I’m only given what she says and thats what I use to respond to her question. Assumptions are made across the board in this situation.

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