Social Question

Rangie's avatar

If a relative that you can't tolerate, shows up at a family function, how do you handle it?

Asked by Rangie (3656points) April 4th, 2010

When ever I run into my sister, I say hi with a cheerful attitude, and she gives me the look of death and turns her back with a low growl. I think I have decided to ignore the fact that she is even in the same room. I have had quite enough.

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16 Answers

philosopher's avatar

I would have as little to do with them as possible.

jazmina88's avatar

My sister is quite a pain in the neck….I really want to tell her off. I am 48, she is 59.
But you may need her in some point in time.
Life is about learning how to maintain relationships, and this is your chance to experience tolerance and patience. They say you have to love family.
You dont have to be close to her, but biting my tongue, and telling others what i think about some of her shit, does relieve the stress.
She cant help she’s a freak. We are all meant to be unique. Life has done strange things to us along the way. and it affects us differently.

It’s all about learning to practice love.

TexasDude's avatar

Just ignore her. It’s not that hard to do.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@jazmina88 , you are so right. There is no other way. Just take her with a pinch of salt and understand that not everyone can practise dignity and respect. Show tolerance and respect but be firm and show that you take no nonsense from her or anyone else. Must be a touch of jealousy on her part. Accept the fact that you are flesh and blood and keep on being that sweet, cheerful you without stooping to her level. That will make her feel bad within. Keep a cool distance without being rude if possible.

phillis's avatar

Luckily, we have enough children in the family to direct our attention, Rangie. When somebody starts acting like an asshole, we direct our attention toward a child (or some other member of the family), and become involved with something having to do with another person. It shifts the attention completely, and benefits everyone. No losers, everybody wins.

Jeruba's avatar

If my sister behaved this way toward me, I would want to know what her grievance is, whether real or imagined. I would want to do whatever I could to try to make it right. I wouldn’t let the matter lie before trying my best to resolve the difference and make peace, not only for our own sake but for the sake of the relations of others in the family, including our siblings and our children.

My two brothers had a feud that lasted ten years. Their estrangement had caused everyone a great deal of pain, especially my mother; one even refused to come to her 80th birthday celebration because the other one was there. They finally made it up by her deathbed. She was terminally unconscious by then and never got to see them shake hands and embrace. We could not have got through the stress of the funeral arrangements and all the aftermath if everyone had still been trying to tiptoe around their dispute, never mind losing the benefit and comfort of the family’s naturally drawing together at that difficult time.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Patience, carefully guarded conversation and a quick as possible exit.

YARNLADY's avatar

It’s hard for me to know. My daughter-in-law and I don’t especially like each other, but we try to remain as civil as we can in family gatherings. I think the secret is in your words can’t tolerate. The answer is learn how to be more tolerant.

davidbetterman's avatar

“When ever I run into my sister, I say hi with a cheerful attitude, and she gives me the look of death and turns her back with a low growl. I think I have decided to ignore the fact that she is even in the same room. I have had quite enough.”

You answered your own question.

And don’t let it bother you. It is really her problem, not yours.

boffin's avatar

….how do you handle it?
Thank God for “Booze”....

thriftymaid's avatar

One minute at a time.

Rangie's avatar

@jazmina88 , I don’t mean to contradict you but, I have never heard “them” say you have to love you family. Who are “they” anyway? Yes she is family, but I don’t have to like or love her. This is a sister 1½ years my younger, and she is the last of 4 sisters. I have helped her so many times, you can’t imagine. She is on her 3 marriage, all of which for all the wrong reasons. Love was not one of them. I let her move in with my husband and myself when she had no other place to live. She had to stay in a room with my new baby, and she complained so much, I finally moved the baby in my room. She was absolutely no help around the house. She finally got married for the first time. She divorced, he left her. Then remarried an alcoholic and had a child. I loaned her the money to pay her expensive hospital bill when she had her baby in Carmel. She thought it was a society place to have your baby. That marriage lasted 16 years, only because her
husband was suppose to inherit a great deal of money. Her husband could not keep a job, too much drinking and pot smoking. Finally they could not pay their rent, so guess what? You are right, She, he and their 2 year old wanted to move in with is and he would work for my husband. I told her, no alcohol or drugs, or they are out. The moved in and we found out why he couldn’t keep a job. He was drinking, but we didn’t know where he was getting it. But all he seemed able to do was hold up a shovel. They were both becoming obnoxious in front of my teenage daughter and son. But when he offered pot to my kids, that was it. I said you need to find another place to live. They bought a bar up north. Eventually, they divorced, he left her in San Diego. Of course she couldn’t pay the rent so hey everybody guess what? The now idiot (me), went all the way down to San Diego and helped her pack and clean her apartment, and moved her home with me. She was very depressed, and said now you watch, since we are divorced he will inherit all that money. Shame on her. I was in real estate, she had no money but had a real estate license herself. So I told her I would give her half of everything I have in escrow and then we will split everything else we work on. YOU SAY: learn to maintain relationships, and my chance to experience tolerance and patience???
So she was living in my home and took up with a married man. We knew this married man and his wife. I told her no no no, this is wrong. He kept coming into my home having his little fling with her in my house. My children were grown and gone by now. I repeatedly told her this is a no good man, and I didn’t want this going on in my home. She pretty much told me to mind my own business. Eventually, I had to tell her to leave. Apparently he had enough of her as she did him. So she found another man that lead her to believe he had money. She married him and he is somewhat of a name dropping, big talking guy that had nothing but his job. Okay so that was 3 times I tolerated and had patience with this money monger. What really did it was so stupid. She and her husband had a little 29 T bucket they would take to shows. We were getting along somewhat, as long as I could let her be queen bee. My husband and I bought a 32 Ford, and boy did Sh—hit the fan. Suddenly we were taking best of shows, first places, some first places included money. We thought we were all having fun together. Little did I know. She kept trying to create an argument with me for some reason. Well, eventually it all broke loose. He thought he knew so much about everything, I just couldn’t take anymore when she called and put him on the phone, so he could tell me about show cars, which he really knew nothing about. I finally, let him know what I thought of him. Little did I know she had me on speaker phone. She thinks I am evil, sick and wishes I would burn in hell. Nice little Catholic girl wouldn’t you say?? So no offense, but I think I have practice tolerance, maintaining a relationship and love quite long enough. I know this is a long post, but this is only a tiny, tiny part of who she is.

Rangie's avatar

@Jeruba I already went far out of my way 3 times to resolve the issues. She will have no part of it. She even went so far as to tell my other 2 sisters no to let me know where they are living, now that they sold their home. I would say that would be on the bottom of things I want to know. I even went so far as to write him an email that went way beyond an apology. He wrote back saying “I accept your apology” but then went on to open the whole thing all over again. So he really didn’t accept my apology. He went on to say “if by chance we find ourselves at a family function, we should be able to avoid each other quite nicely, since the family is so large.” And the he sees no chance of the 4 of us ever socializing anywhere anytime.

Jeruba's avatar

@Rangie, you didn’t tell this part of the story in your question or even hint at it. And now you are getting indignant that we didn’t know it. How could we know it?

I don’t think you asked us a genuine question.

Rangie's avatar

@Jeruba I don’t think I quite know how much I can write in my questions. It said keep it short, so I figured I would tell more of the story after I get a chance. I didn’t mean to drop something on you after the fact. I just can’t say things in a few words like all of you can. Perhaps you can enlighten me as to how to do this. I really want to participate but maybe I need a few lessons.

Coloma's avatar

Most of my difficult relatives are dead now. Thats one way to find your peace! lolololol

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