Social Question

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

Is it ok to date or fool around with a friends ex?

Asked by JesusWasAJewbot (1510points) April 6th, 2010

Friends had this discussion recently, one of my buddies wants to start dating a friends ex…the friends ex is from 5 years ago and he was also dating someone else at the same time. Though emotions were involved and might even still be there is this wrong?

Might also want to mention that the guy and girl who are ex’s still talk to this day, not sure if that factors in but im sure they might still have some kind of emotions for each other.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

35 Answers

DarkScribe's avatar

Only the friend’s ex can answer that. If you and the ex are ok with – it is nobody else’s business.

rahm_sahriv's avatar

Why not? Your friend isn’t dating this person anymore.

rahm_sahriv's avatar

@DarkScribe LOL, exactly, the ex may not want anything to do with the friend.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It was an unspoken rule when I was dating.I never would’ve considered it.

Snarp's avatar

Yes. When I was young I would have said no, but frankly, ex is ex. If there’s going to be issues when the three of them are together, that’s something to consider, but if the ex and the friend are friends, then that shouldn’t really be a problem. And it’s five years ago? No problem. And assuming that the friend is your age, then the ex is from when they were 17? Sorry, but in the grown up world that one doesn’t even count.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

I think its wrong regardless, why even put yourself in that situation. Getting between people can never lead to good.

Trillian's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille There you are! Yaaayyyyyyy! I missed you!
I was going to say about the same thing. You can date the ex all you want, but I wouldn’t expect to then stay friends with the person. Bad form.

rahm_sahriv's avatar

Sorry, wrong question answered. Please delete.

JeffVader's avatar

As a courtesy your friends should talk to each other & make sure everyone’s cool about it. However, given that it’s been 5yrs I don’t think anyone can really say no to it.

rangerr's avatar

the guy and girl who are ex’s still talk to this day, not sure if that factors in but im sure they might still have some kind of emotions for each other.

Well. There’s your answer.

Cruiser's avatar

I agree with @lucillelucillelucille and @Trillian you never go out with a friends ex unless the force you to or set you up! like a real good friend should do!!

BoBo1946's avatar

the person would not be a friend if i dated his ex (would like to think I’m a better friend than that)

Exhausted's avatar

Not if you value his friendship. There are a lot of available women, why create tension in your environment, unnecessarily? Weigh the gain against the sacrifice. If you get what you want from her, but lose him is it worth the trade off?

DarkScribe's avatar

Several times a friend has married an ex of mine. It never concerned me in a negative way – I was quite happy for both of them. Why be a “dog in a manger”?

wonderingwhy's avatar

I don’t see a problem. One of my friends and ex’s are dating currently. He and I have drifted apart but that’s from developing different interests over the years and had begun before their relationship, it has nothing to do with their dating eachother. I still call him a friend without reservation. As to my ex, she and I are still very close and dear friends. We manage to get together semi-regularly and neither of our S/O’s, to my knowledge, mind. I hope the best for them. I hold no illusions to the reasons she and I didn’t work out, they’re both good people in my eyes and deserve to be happy. If they can manage it together great, if not that’s ok too, I’ll still be here for both of them.

Blackberry's avatar

Yeah who cares, they aren’t married.

poisonedantidote's avatar

unless you subscribe to some kind of rules regarding mating privileges i dont see why not. nothing wrong if all are consenting adults. i think the question here though is, what is wrong with him or her if it did not work out for them, and what are the chances of the same happening with you.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

Nope, not ok unless you ask your friend and they give you explicit permission. Even that’s not very cool.

DarkScribe's avatar

Woman aren’t possessions – they are not “branded”, and if an attraction exists it is not the concern of anyone else. If I had a friend who tried to inhibit my relationship with anyone, ex of his or no, I would realise that the person was not really a friend.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@DarkScribe -It was never a question of ownership-at least for me.I pretty much wanted the ex to go awaaaaaaay! lol!
@Trillian -Hi there
@Cruiser-I’m always right.LOL

hug_of_war's avatar

There are a number of people I may be compatible with, I’m not going to pursue a friend’s ex. People can say what they want but it’s bound to bring up conflict. I wouldn’t consider myself a good friend if I did so.

CMaz's avatar

No it is not ok. If that is TRULY a friend.

You would be breaking a friendship golden rule.

Snarp's avatar

@poisonedantidote I thought about the “what is wrong with him or her” question, but ultimately I think its the wrong way to look at an ex. It’s “what was wrong with the relationship?”unless of course you’re dealing with something seriously wrong like abuse.

filmfann's avatar

I dated a couple of my friend’s ex’s. They were not special to my friends, and there was no emotional connection between them (at least on my friend’s side). In fact, my friend’s treated them quite badly.
I would not have dated anyone my friends had a deep emotional connection with. It would be too complicated, and too hurtful. And I wish my friends, who dated women I had been deeply connected to, understood that.

zandrace's avatar

No… That’s like rule #1 on the guy code of ethics lol

Disc2021's avatar

It’s situational, I guess.

For the most part I try to avoid this sort of thing – I dont like being in the “everyone that has dated everyone” circle and not to mention it’s not worth causing any fuss between me and my friends. If I have to ask myself “would it be alright if I dated my friend’s ex?” – I probably wouldn’t think any further about it and just not do it.

thriftymaid's avatar

It would be uncomfortable for me to date a guy if I was a long-time friend to the guy’s ex-wife. I think I would prefer to simply remain friends with him.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I back up what @DarkScribe says, if you and your friend are okay with the idea then go for it. Most of the time people break up under not good terms and you wouldn’t want to stir up that nest but sometimes it’s just not the best match or circumstances.

syzygy2600's avatar

Why do people do this shit? With all the single people in the world, do you NEED to date your friends ex?

YARNLADY's avatar

My son’s life long friend actually encouraged him to start dating the ex-girlfriend, to give her someone else to focus her attention on. They had broken up, but she was still ‘hanging on’ until she started dating my son. The Sonny and friend, and both their girlfriends then became a very happy foursome for the next two years before college broke them up.

LeotCol's avatar

The only person who can answer this is your friend.

Just tell them your intentions and if they’re ok with it, then its ok. If not then it’ll be a decision you’ll have to make on which is more important you.

evandad's avatar

I skipped to here because I know this has already been written a few times, but it’s one of the big taboos of friendship.

Snarp's avatar

I shouldn’t be surprised to be in the minority here, but I guess I kind of am. Seems to me that this is something from high school and college. I expected the older folks to see this my way. In a mature relationship and mature friendships, it really shouldn’t matter if your friend dates your ex, especially when it’s a five year old relationship. If you’re still that hung up on your ex five years on that it matters to you, then you’ve got issues and it’s about you not moving on like you should have four years ago. Get over her and get over yourself. Who cares if you used to date a girl that your friend is dating?

@syzygy2600 There are plenty of single people in the world, but meeting them and getting to them is hard. People have limited social circles and limited dating pools.

Disc2021's avatar

@Snarp I dont really think it is a matter of moving on or not – more or less, it’s just out of respect. I guess if your friends dont see it that way and they’re actually encouraging of it then it doesn’t really matter, but otherwise some may see it as just a smack in the face.

If it is a “long lost” ex, perhaps the friend has already moved on from the person and it may be uncomfortable or unpleasant to them for you to re-enter the particular person into their life again, indirectly.

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther