Social Question

prototokyo's avatar

Can I ask someone out on a date if I have a partner, and a child? If so, how?

Asked by prototokyo (47points) April 8th, 2010

Theoretically I am in an open relationship, but neither of us has ever walked through that open door, as far as I know. Part of my problem is I cant find a way to ask someone on a date—if I tell them the truth, then they either think of me as only a friend, or as a disgusting cheater/swinger. And I dont want to be a swinger, and all that it entails. If I dont tell them my full situation, than I am being dishonest, which I cannot condone. I love my partner and do not want another one, I just want new experiences.

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48 Answers

netgrrl's avatar

Be honest, or don’t play. Good luck.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

You say you don’t want to be a swinger but you’re doing what swingers do.

You’re obviously feeling conflicted about banging other people.

It doesn’t sound like your relationship is going well.

netgrrl's avatar

No, swingers vs open relationships (polyamory) is a completely different thing. Swingers are looking for casual hookups.

thriftymaid's avatar

Well, you are a cheater/swinger. You may find someone who is not bothered by that.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

If you can’t be honest and open about what you are and what you want then either reevaluate what kind of person you are or be honest with your partner and potential dates and live with all the consequences.

Doing anything else defines you very negatively. Live up to your values and according to the degree to which you respect your partner and child.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

Yeah I’ve heard that rationalization before.
“I want intimacy!”
Whatever. Just use condoms with your “intimacy” and see a doctor if you develop an itchy rash.

There’s a reason people act like that when you tell them you’re in a relationship but want to fuck other people.

Response moderated
Nullo's avatar

Don’t. Problem solved.
See, kids? This is what’s great about being conservative. Simple solutions for an increasingly complex world!

nope's avatar

What do you mean by “open relationship”, and why is it so? Is the person you live with really your partner? What does partner mean in that context, if you are willing to date other people? Best friend, perhaps? Or perhaps one or the both of you are…not straight? In any event, if you’ve both agreed that the relationship is open, then…why are you asking about this? What other people think isn’t the problem, if that’s what you want to do. But maybe that’s not really what you want.

j0ey's avatar

@Nullo hahahaha I laughed so hard at that

netgrrl's avatar

Turn it around and look at it from your partner’s point of view. Let’s say it’s he/she that’s meeting the other person. You’d want to know that there was full disclosure, right? Anything else would make you uncomfortable?

jazmina88's avatar

she is not a cheater…...if her SO knows and even condones it.
maybe you and your SO can find a place for swingers.

DarkScribe's avatar

If the person accepted, knowing that you had a partner and a child, you really wouldn’t want to be alone with that person. Would you?

prototokyo's avatar

There has to be full disclosure- but that wont get you dates, or only with other swingers. What is becoming apparent is that no one believes that love can be shared with many people-or perhaps better stated, love must be reserved for one partner, and your family. Which makes me sad.

susanc's avatar

@prototokyo: These people are saying that they don’t believe love can be shared with many people, you’re right. But these people aren’t the person who concerns you; your partner is. He or she is the one you need to speak with as soon as you figure out how you want to do that. You haven’t located the “new person” yet, so this is still theoretical. It belongs where you and your partner invented it – in your imaginations. Talk to her (or him).

Nullo's avatar

What’s apparent is that we’ve got people misusing the term “love.”

netgrrl's avatar

I agree, with full disclosure you will strike out more often, but you don’t want those persons anyway. Keep being honest and you’ll find someone else out there that feels the way you do too. It might help if you can find any local poly groups that meet just socially for lunches/ munches etc.

smileyfase's avatar

You already have someone… it’s not really normal if you have multiple partners. People get by with kids by themselves all the time-not that i’m saying it would be easy (not that i would know)

susanc's avatar

What are you, the boredom patrol?

netgrrl's avatar

@smileyfase So you’re the one who defines what normal is. I’ve always wondered who got that job.

Jack79's avatar

I think our opinions here are irrelevant, since this was not the question. I personally can’t imagine myself in your situation, but if I were to want something that most of society won’t understand, I would try and find people who do.

As others have stated, honesty is important, because otherwise you might end up hurting the other person, causing misunderstandings, and probably not getting what you want anyway.

Now if 99% of the people you meet are not into that sort of thing and want monogamous relationships, then you have to discover where the other 1% hang out. I’m pretty sure that you can look up clubs on the internet, find out where such people might meet, or join some forum and get advice and ideas. Fluther is not really the best place for that, but overall the internet is great when it comes to such things.

JeffVader's avatar

@Nullo Now thats a slice of fried gold!

JeffVader's avatar

I suspect you’ll just have to be a trooper & keep plugging away at this one. Yes, you’re absolutely right about having to be upfront & honest about your situation. & yes, most people will probably turn away from the idea as soon as they know. However, sooner or later someone will say, fair play, & give it a go.

partyparty's avatar

Be as honest as possible, or don’t have a conscience.
Do you have a conscience about potentially cheating on your partner or are they OK with the situation?

hug_of_war's avatar

Open relationships aren’t my thing. But because they are for you I’ll adjust my advice accordingly.

Is there a reason all of sudden you want to “walk through that door”? This isn’t a judgement but is there perhaps a deeper reason for wanting to start now? Intimacy issues? Increasing fights? Regardless of whether you answer yes or no, you need to talk to your partner before doing anything. People’s views can change when they’re faced with the reality of a situation, not just this idea in their head. And when pushing into reality you need to set out rules together – now you’ve probably discussed this before but make damn sure there are no grey areas and your definitions of an open relationship are the same as it’s easy to assume of course your partner thinks the same as you.

Now when actually asking people you have to deal with the fact a number of them will lose all interest in you. I don’t do open relationships so when I found out I’d immediately call things off – not because I’m close-minded but because it’s a personal choice I’ve made. When this happens, don’t get frustrated just know it’s part of the process. Personally I think the fact you have a kid will be the biggest challenge to finding someone because a lot of people will feel like they are helping you cheat even if you find this idea absurd. You have to realize a person may be fine with having some fun but when you mention a kid they feel a stronger reaction.

If you live in a city there is likely a poly group as someone recommended which is a good place to start. But to a large extent a bit of trial and error is going to happen. Disclosure of having a partner and child needs to happen ASAP though or you look kinda shady.

sarahjane90's avatar

I would at first thought think that it would be an unwise idea, especially if there is a child involved in your life.

Cruiser's avatar

I thought that was what dating websites and Craigslist was for??

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Since you didn’t ask for our opinions on whether what you’re doing is right or wrong, I’ll simply answer the question at hand…be honest. Otherwise how can you call your relationship “open”? Doesn’t being honest and upfront with your partner and other people involved go hand in hand with open relationships?

CMaz's avatar

Have your partner find someone for you.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@thriftymaid @Captain_Fantasy I wonder where your negative attitudes towards open relationships come from? Are either of you speaking from experience? People in open relationships are not cheaters and don’t have to be into swinging, whatsoever.
As someone who is in an open relationship and a mother of two, I can tell you, @prototokyo that the key it to be upfront about it all, from the very beginning. When I entered my first polyamorous arrangement (where I had two full-fledged relationships not based around sex, like others think) I had a child – clearly it didn’t matter to either of them (just like some monogamous people won’t care that you have a child). Now, I am in an open marriage and that fact plus the fact that I have children are always out on the table – when a flirtation begins for me, the person and I usually have a quick coffee conversation about how I approach this and what they’re looking for. People are different, you have to remain consistent and true to yourself. But (and this is an important but) if you haven’t figured out logistics with your partner about what your boundaries are, I don’t advise you to go out and date until you have. I sure hope, @Nullo that you’re not under the impression that you know what Love really is and that others of us (especially those in open relationships) don’t because you’re quite mistaken…the strength of my and Alex’s love is unmatched and would beat out any you’ve ever felt

nikipedia's avatar

Yes, you can ask someone out on a date as long as it’s within the terms you and your partner have agreed upon.

It is probably best to be up front. If you are asking a near-stranger out in the traditional sense, e.g., “Would you like to have dinner with me?” then I suggest you come out with the truth right then. E.g., “I’d like to ask you to dinner, but I also want to be clear on something. I am in an open relationship, so what I’m really looking for from you is ___________. I understand if you need some time to think about it.”

If this person is closer to you than a distant acquaintance, s/he probably is already aware that you have a partner and a child. So the dialogue is a bit easier.

I can give you an example from my own experience. The last time I was in this situation I was spending time with a new friend. It got late, wine was had, and eventually he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes, but you should know that I have a boyfriend and we’re in an open relationship. He paused for a second, said okay, and continued.

Not that complicated. Maybe conservatives only understand things that are very, very simple.

And remember, haters gonna hate. What can you do.

JeanPaulSartre's avatar

Ignoring the usual confusion from people is going to be par for the course I think, including the confusion of others on this question. That needs to be ignored, and not mixed with your own questions. Your decisions are between you and your partner. I think @Simone_De_Beauvoir and @nikipedia said it quite well.

Idknown's avatar

Straight to the point. Of course you can ask :).

How? Repeat from above already showed you how. There are MANY people out there who think like you do. One will say yes.

What if you were homosexual? I“m sure you’d ask a lot of people your sex if they’re into you, only to find out that they’re not and get quasi rejected. I’ve had many men ask me, and I am flattered all the time. We usually then talk about how hard it is to find a good male mate when most of the population aren’t into you.

I also find it humorous how some people don’t read the question…

Regards to the polyamorous thing – wish I could do it :). But I couldn’t truthfully say I’d be okay if my SO went out and dated other men, and slept with them. Maybe I should give Polygamy a try :D.

evandad's avatar

People have done it successfully for a long time. You can too.

doctiresquire's avatar

whats wrong with cheating ..its like lying ..who cares ..if they lie ..they will steal sounds like fun just lie and steal to your partner may end up in one of those relationships where one partner kills the other….ya…thats the good life…the american dream ..great question ..i think ill go lie to my wife right now

Idknown's avatar

@doctiresquire No one’s cheating. It’s not cheating if the other person knows and allows it.

Hell – what is monogamy anyway? It is a societal norm. I wonder if it is even a evolutionary norm. I mean – wolves mate for life, and are totally monogamous. If the wife dies – they don’t go look for a new one. Hence – they are monogamous.

Perhaps monogamy in Humans is akin to Vegans: Restricted by Choice, not by Nature.

Besides – what is the color blue, but a word. Tell me blue is yellow when I’m 1, and I’d tell you that the sky is yellow at 24.

doctiresquire's avatar

monogamy..having only one spouse at a time…............spouse…. a person’s partner in marriage…..heck look up the definitions don`t pretend there could of been another definition…web definitions online it

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@doctiresquire Really? Well I guess we’ve just been doing it wrong! Let me go tell my husband.

Idknown's avatar

@doctiresquire What other definitions are there? I agree with your definition. Still doesn’t address my point…

Monogamy is not necessarily natural – it is a societal norm… why am I repeating myself? I’ll make you a deal – you learn to read whole paragraphs at a time in one sitting, and I’ll learn to look up words. Deal?

doctiresquire's avatar

i`m sticking with my answer to prototokyo…i guess i should of ignored you the first time you addressed me…

Ludy's avatar

if you really love him, you don’t need to experience new things, he should be your only thing and why don’t you ask your partner for ideas maybe he does have some that you don’t know about.

PacificToast's avatar

Ahem no, you can’t. Are you in a relationship or aren’t you? You say you are, but you think like you aren’t. Are there any other experiences you can have with this partner and child? A small vacation?

Nullo's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I can give you a list of the rest, if you like.
I’m with @doctiresquire: monogamy FTW!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Nullo The rest of what? Wrong impressions?

Nullo's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir And the ilk. I do not expect you to be either terribly interested in or much better off with the knowledge.

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