General Question

PhillyCheese's avatar

How can I stop being a jealous boyfriend?

Asked by PhillyCheese (655points) April 13th, 2010

I’m not a super jealous guy, I don’t tell my girlfriend what to do and what not to do. For example, guys like to flirt with her and she was telling me that some guy has a crush on her at university (that she already established she didn’t like and thought was nerdy).
I compare my situation(s) to other people, and they say that mine is nothing compared to others, I just feel that I don’t need to be this “inner jealous”.
Any ideas on how I can get over this?

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34 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

Maybe you would prefer she didn’t tell you about harmless flirting. It is a perfectly reasonable request. It does not sound like you are crazy possesive jealous, but I guess it hurts your feeling to listen to these comments. Have you told her? Jealousy usually happens to me when I feel left out, and when the situation pulls at my ability to trust the other person. When I feel very secure in a relationship I usually do not feel jealous, even when I am excluded sometimes.

Rangie's avatar

It sounds to me, that if she has to tell you about these guys and things, that would possibly make you jealous, she is the insecure one. She must be looking for your response when she tells you these things. The next time she does that, just look at her and say something like “Oh, that’s nice.” Be sure you are looking at her to see her response. Maybe if you don’t show any thing on your face that she can read, she will stop telling you. Save your precious emotions for something worth while. Jealousy is only a waste of emotion.
How old is she?

JLeslie's avatar

@Rangie Makes a good point. She might be looking for a reaction. It might make her feel powerful, which is mean.

PhillyCheese's avatar

@Rangie well, she’s only 19, but acts more mature than most 21 year olds.

@JLeslie that could be possible, maybe she’s wants my validation or she could be doing that to elicit a response

loser's avatar

She might just be doing this to you as her own selfish ego boost. I’d ask her why she feels the need to share this information. Most women who are really flirting don’t tell their spouses.
Jealously. This a tough emotion that can really tear you apart. Its actually a secondary emotion. If you look at the underlying cause of why you feel jealous, it’s usually something like hurt feelings, or feeling threatened, or feeling unloved. Try to focus on the underlying cause if your jealously.

Rangie's avatar

I am sorry, but it is not mature to tell you about men that show an interest in her. What is her point. In fact that is what I would say the next time she does that. I would say “and your point is?” and stop talking. Let her finish. If you want to get past this jealousy thing, you will have to take control of your own emotions.

PhillyCheese's avatar

This is some good advice.
I’ll remember this for next time, thanks very much for the help.

alive's avatar

2 words:
trust.
&
communication.

have you been jealous in past relationships?

Rangie's avatar

@PhillyCheese your welcome, give it your best shot. Anyway you have a choice. You can let her make you feel this way, or you can choose not to allow anyone to make you feel this way. Good luck.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Everytime you feel jealous just find somewhere private and yank yourself off. You will care less afterwards. This is a temporary fix, but at least it’s free.

Sophief's avatar

I have no idea how to overcome it. I am exactly the same as you. My boyfriend is at work right now, and I am jealous. Who is he flirting with? Does he like her better than me? Will he leave me? It sends me crazy. Your not alone in your feelings.

Rangie's avatar

@Dibley I think you need to reevaluate yourself. Why do you think he is flirting. Who is this “her” you are talking about? Did you know jealousy will drive him away faster than most anything else? You must not think, that you are good enough for him. Honey, you need to know you are good enough for anybody. Nobody is better than you or me or anybody. Gather up your confidence and put it in your pocket and keep it with you, perhaps in the form of a little smooth rock. Every time you play with it in your pocket it will remind you, you are as good as anybody else. And you are!

Sophief's avatar

@Rangie Because I used to work with him and he flirted with me, and he’s not subtle! I know jealousy is no good, but I really do love him, ya know?

Rangie's avatar

@Dibley yeah, I know. It’s a bummer isn’t it. Well we will have to put our heads together and figure this out. How old is he? What kind of work does he do?

Sophief's avatar

He is 43 and he is a Conveyancer.

Rangie's avatar

@Dibley Like a title officer? Yes, there are usually a fair number of girls in those offices. But, if you can’t trust him, he may not be the one for you. Did you know, that sometimes we think we want something more than normal, just because it my be harder to get? Where if truth be told, if was easy, our feeling probably wouldn’t be what we thought. If you don’t mind my asking, how old are you? Do you guys live together?
Sometimes, we have to take about ten steps backward and look at the whole picture, the way you would a painting.

Sophief's avatar

I’m 31, yes we live together. He works in a Solicitors office. I used to work there too. I don’t think he would actually have sex with anyone else. It is the flirting I don’t like. I have asked him about it and he says he just does it for an ego boost. But I feel he doesn’t need one, he knows I think the world of him.

Rangie's avatar

Some people are just out going and friendly and fun. If that is who he is, and that is why you fell in love with him, then you don’t want to change him. It is probably harmless, but we can’t change, nor is it our job to change anybody.
What he “does and says”, he owns. and what “you do and say”, you own. He needs to be who he is, but more importantly, you need to find your confidence and be who you are. You are a wonderful person, and require your own respect. If you can do that, you can do anything. I always thought, if you look for trouble, you are most likely to find it or make it. Relax, he wouldn’t be living with you if he didn’t want to be there.

Sophief's avatar

@Rangie He isn’t outgoing at all. I think he does it to get by, if you know what I mean. He doesn’t really like people. I think he does it to make the day pass by.

Rangie's avatar

@Dibley I see. Is he shy by any chance? If the reason he is doing it, is to make the day pass by, then I wouldn’t worry. Maybe he need a more challenging job.

Sophief's avatar

@Rangie It is challenging, but because of the recession, not many people are buying houses at the moment. He isn’t shy, just a bit of a loner. We like our own company and like to do our own thing.

Rangie's avatar

@Dibley I think you might be worrying about something for nothing. Try not to think about it, he loves you not someone else, or he would be gone. Get your little pebble and keep it in your pocket. Nobody is any better than you, and don’t you forget that. okay?

Rangie's avatar

@Dibley You are entirely welcome. Anytime I can help or not, just drop me a PM. I just took a look at your photo. Yes, he is a very nice looking man. He doesn’t look like the type to go running around. He look somewhat serious and sincere. Good luck kiddo.

PhillyCheese's avatar

@Rangie Have you ever considered taking over the role of Dr. Phil or being the one that replaces Oprah?

Rangie's avatar

@PhillyCheese Are we playing with me? That’s okay if you are, I am old as dirt and been around the block. You know that saying “Wise as a old owl” hoot, hoot, that’s me.

PhillyCheese's avatar

@Rangie well I may be joking about replacing Oprah, but I’m just implying that you are very good with providing advice. You just helped two people in one forum topic.
Maybe make a radio show or your own tv show :)

But I was reading over the rest of this thread, and the posts you’ve made to Dibley can be applied to my girlfriend and I, which helped me even more.

Rangie's avatar

@PhillyCheese You just gave me goose bumps. Thank you so much. You are so sweet to tell me that. Keep me posted. And remember who you are. You are PhillyCheese, how can it bet any better? Best of luck. pm me anytime.

partyparty's avatar

@Rangie Lovely advice… kind and caring

CMaz's avatar

Stop being a boyfriend.

Problem solved.

CMaz's avatar

Not harsh. :-) Honest.

jazmina88's avatar

trust
faith

Jessyka01's avatar

Honestly? If she doesn’t seem like the type that will cheat, then chill. If she loves you and only you calm down learn to trust.

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