Social Question

j0ey's avatar

Would you break up with a SO if they changed their appearance? Why, or why not?

Asked by j0ey (2424points) April 16th, 2010

A friend of a friend recently got a piercing on the back of her neck. Her partner, who she had been with for over a year, reacted by making her choose between the piercing and him. To make a long story short; they broke up over it.

Personally, if I was with someone for a “semi-long” period of time and truly loved who they were, I wouldn’t mind if they decided to change their appearance. I think appearance is something that draws you to someone, yes, but I don’t think it should be the only thing making you stick around.

And after all, it is their body…...

What do you think? Would you break up with someone over a tattoo, piercing, crazy hair cut etc.? Why, or why not?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

70 Answers

ucme's avatar

No, not that shallow.

Sophief's avatar

No, I wouldn’t. For one thing, I love him the way he is, and for another I know he would mention it to me first, and that if I didn’t like the idea, he wouldn’t do it.

A year ago, I thought about getting a little tattoo, I mentioned it to him, and he said he didn’t want me to, so I didn’t. It’s not just my body, it’s his too.

But bottom line is, no, I wouldn’t leave him. He would still be the same inside, and that is who I love.

meagan's avatar

Nah. I’m always subject to change, myself. Just comes with the territory.

Pretty_Lilly's avatar

No I wouldn’t as long as there’s no sex change involved !!!

OMGHax11ONE's avatar

Hell ya because Im shallow as fuck. If she gains over 10 lbs shes done. I make this rule VERY well known in the begining.

shego's avatar

That is really pathetic. I personally wouldn’t do it. But I have had friends who have, and unfortunately it wasn’t his fault, he got in an accident.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

No, I wouldn’t. That’s pretty dumb. Appearance counts, but it’s the PERSON you love, no matter what they look like.

j0ey's avatar

@OMGHax11ONE hahahahahahahahaha ok…arent you just the sweetest of hearts

JeffVader's avatar

Generally speaking, no I wouldn’t break-up. However, if the change they were planning was really extreme, & I hated it, & they didn’t care…. I might.

Vunessuh's avatar

No, but a change for the worst in attitude/behavior/personality would do it. Appearance doesn’t define who a person is. Breaking up with her over a piercing is a pretty dick move and I think he deserves to be dickpunched.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@OMGHax11ONE Good luck with that.

JLeslie's avatar

First, I am a woman, and my SO is a man, I think gender might matter possibly.

It would depend on how extreme it was. I would never leave if it was a change in appearance from an illness or accident. I would leave if my husband decided to tattoo a swastika somewhere. Other tattoos I could easily live with no problem, even though I prefer no tattoos. I would be very unhappy with a lip or tongue piercing, very, it would be a source of strife, but I probably would not leave. Probably the only piercing I would be ok with is ear piercing. Hair and clothing would never be a reason to break up, but I might try to pursuade a change if I thought he could look much better with a different style. Myhusband has had everything from a few inches of hair to long enough to be in a pony-tail, I like both, but if it were a mullet I would die of embarrassment.

OMGHax11ONE's avatar

@Vunessuh @jbfletcherfan

Uhh would you want to be fucking some fat cow every night who used to be fine, but let herself go. Who would?

JeffVader's avatar

@Vunessuh ‘Dickpunched’ thats awesomely funny, thanks :)

beautifulbobby193's avatar

I could not bring myself to have a long term relationship with any girl with one of those tattoos at the small of the back that continues down the arse. Far too vulgar and cheap.

Tattoos are disgusting things anyway.

As for changing physical appearance, if a girl went transgender I doubt the relationship would go much further.

gemiwing's avatar

No. I married a person- not just a meat sack. If I wanted something that would never change, mature or have thoughts other than what I approved- I would buy a blow-up doll.

Response moderated
wonderingwhy's avatar

That’s pretty shallow, particularly if it’s minor. On the other hand if it’s major or you know the other person takes issue with it, I’d at least expect my opinion to be considered and discussed before doing it, as I would do the same if our positions were reversed.

DarkScribe's avatar

If you are prepared to consider breaking up over a personal preference on the part of a partner, then they cannot possibly be a significant other, they must be an insignificant other. Many of the questions I see regarding relationships seem to indicate a lack of understanding as to what “significant” means.

whyigottajoin's avatar

If I could give @DarkScribe two GA’s I would lol!

j0ey's avatar

@DarkScribe This is your opinion, and it is right. However there are some shallow people out there who are only with there “significant other” because they are exactly how they want them to be. What would be a valid reason to break up with a SO? Are you suggesting there is never a valid reason if they are significant enough?

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Obviously, it depends on how long you’ve been together. If you’re young & are dating/living together, not sure if this is “the one”, then I think that’s one thing. You still have choices, no matter how trivial the reasons may be. But if you’re in a situation like I am, (we’ve been together for 44 years) we’re beyond that. When we got married, I weighed 95 lbs. I sure don’t weigh that now. And he’s not the slim, hunky guy I married, either. But do we care? Hell no. Do we still find each other attractive & enjoy good sex? Hell, yes! We make love to the PERSON…not the BODY. This issue just depends on a lot of things.

Sophief's avatar

@j0ey A valid reason would be cheating or violence.

j0ey's avatar

@Dibley I agree….But I am sure some “not so decent people” would list some other “valid” reasons.

Sophief's avatar

@j0ey Yes I’m sure they would. Are you like that or is your s/o like?

DarkScribe's avatar

@j0ey Are you suggesting there is never a valid reason if they are significant enough?

I am suggesting that if you would consider such a trivial reason to be grounds to separate, the “other” is not significant in your life. I did not suggest that there can never be a reason to separate.

j0ey's avatar

@Dibley….If you read my opinion in the question you would see that I am not like that. I know couples that have been together for years and have broken up for much less than violence or cheating.

JeffVader's avatar

@Dibley @j0ey @DarkScribe I must say, while I do understand what you’re saying, I’m not convinced by the argument. If you’re in an important relationship then both sides should respect the other. Therefore, if someone goes ahead with a radical change to their appearance, either without discussing it with their partner, or against their partners wish, that displays quite a lack of respect.

Sophief's avatar

@j0ey Well without sounding mean, as long as your not like that or your s/o then that is all that matters.

@JeffVader Yes I can see that, but would people really makes changes without mentioning to their s/o first? I know I wouldn’t, and any change I do make I tell him first. If he even buys a top I don’t like he sends it back.

j0ey's avatar

@JeffVader I get what you are saying, BUT in my opinion it would be displaying a lack of respect to react in such an extreme way to a change in my partners appearance…If I like it or not, it is their body. And If I love them enough, and that is what they want, I should respect their wishes.

DarkScribe's avatar

@JeffVader Therefore, if someone goes ahead with a radical change to their appearance, either without discussing it with their partner, or against their partners wish, that displays quite a lack of respect.

And a perceived lack of respect requires a break up rather than conciliation and adjustment?

I still see that as meaning the other person was not truly special to you. You don’t separate over a disagreement – not on just one issue.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

We both had small, tasteful tattoos (a small rose over the heart) as a symbol of our commitment. My lady had some body piercings that I didn’t really like, but didn’t make an issue of. Eventually we compromised, she got rid of the nipple hoops and I got her an 8 ct emerald to decorate her navel piercing. A minor issue that we solved with love and respect.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

@siasl tasteful in your opinion of course. To me there is no such thing as a tasteful tattoo.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

No, of course not – and over a neck piercing?! What’s wrong with him?

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@beautifulbobby193 Generally speaking, I agree with you. But the tattoos Stranger is describing isn’t distracting or disruptive to anyone else. It was something they did in a private place. That’s not being distasteful.

My granddaughter got a tattoo on her lower leg in memory of her fiance who was killed. It’s a yellow rose with a green ribbon through it for his organ donations. It looks good & it’s there for a loving reason. That’s not distasteful, either.

JeffVader's avatar

@DarkScribe Fair point, but everyone has a different value system & this could be just the next thing in a long line of issues.

JLeslie's avatar

The tattoo @beautifulbobby193 describes is generally perceived as a trashy can’t get enough sex tattoo. I agree that possibly the girl getting it did not realize it, or may not be a slut, but it is perceived that way by many people.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Sorry but they are all distasteful to me, regardless of any romantic or sentimental attachments. I don’t understand how anybody with a tattoo can insist theirs is tasteful as I’m sure most people with them think theirs is tasteful, otherwise they probably wouldn’t have got it.

deni's avatar

unless he turned into a woman i wouldn’t have a problem. i might sulk for a while if he shaved off his jew fro or sideburns but i’d get over it. i think :(

beautifulbobby193's avatar

@JLeslie I agree completely with you, it’s as though the girl got it done so that the guy gets something fun to look at while she goes like the clappers on his phallus whilst in reverse cowboy mode.

JLeslie's avatar

@beautifulbobby193 Exactly. Look, I used to work for Calvin Klein Underwear (I have told thsi story before on fluther) and I would have 12, 13, 14 year old girls shopping wiht their moms buying thong underwear, saying they don’t want a panty line. Well, no tyou will have a thong line. My husband likes when women wear thongs because it means to him they like to have sex. If that is what you want the 15 year old boys thinking, let your 13 year old daughter wear a thong, hell buy it for her. I would bet the 13 year old really does not know exactly what she is advertising, she is an innocent in the whole process I think, she just wants to be like her friends, or cool.

JeffVader's avatar

@deni Well thanks alot…... I just Google imaged Jew-fro, as it wasn’t a term I’d heard before….. I’ve just spat my coffee all over my monitor from laughing so hard!

CaptainHarley's avatar

No. I have reached a place in my life where looks are secondary, maybe even tertiary. If changing her looks somehow would make my wife happier, I’m all for it. It certainly would never change the fact that I love her. : )

deni's avatar

@JeffVader hahahahahahhaha i just googled it too, and i supposed my use of the word is misleading. his isn’t that big (thats what she said) it’s actually pretty small but it’s very thick and lustrous and i like the term jew fro, lol.

Jude's avatar

I don’t give @OMGHax11ONE all that long before it gets the banhammer.

JLeslie's avatar

@deni My husband gets one for about 4–6 weeks when he grows his hair out. What we call the in-between stage. Although his curls are not extremely tight. He tends to slick it back with lots of goop at work during that time.

deni's avatar

@JLeslie yes! ditto! i find that when he first gets out of the shower and his hair dries, it is very curly and tighter, but as i ruffle it up it gets straighter and larger and even better looking. lol. i hate it slicked back! let the fro shine!

Jude's avatar

To answer your question, no. I wouldn’t care if they went ahead and changed their appearance. I’d still love ‘em.

JLeslie's avatar

@deni Yeah, he works at a bank, and they are just fine with him having long hair, but he tames it for them no matter what stage his growing process is in. At home he is much looser about it. He wears head bands a lot.

OpryLeigh's avatar

Seeing as I can’t imagine my life without my SO I doubt a change in appearance would make me love him any less. Like @Dibley I love who my man is inside more than anything. Yes, I am attracted to the way he looks, very much so, but a minor change in appearance wouldn’t change that. I have known people that have felt less attracted to their partner after they have let themselves go (ie: put on a lot of weight) and this has lead to them falling out of love with their partner. Because of this I try to always look as good as I can for my man (as well as my own self esteem) because, whilst I know he is not shallow, I also know that he is very attracted to the way I look and so I don’t want to change that feeng he has for me.

@Dibley You’re lucky. If my boyfriend buys a Tshirt or something that I don’t like he’ll wear it more because he knows I hate it!!!! He has a warped sense of humour which is another reason I love him so maybe I should stop complaining!!!

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@beautifulbobby193 Our tattoos were small and not visible through normal clothing. My lady designed them and they were executed by an expert using very fine lines. Each covered less than a square inch of skin. These were not flashy “tramp stamps”. The white rose had great significance to us since the very beginning of our relationship.

casheroo's avatar

I’m so sick of people bashing locations of tattoos.

My husband doesn’t always get a haircut I like. And he has tattoos that I think are silly (and we both make fun of our tattoos that we got when we were younger) He wants me to cut my hair short, and I refuse. He isn’t forcing the issue, but has shown a strong preference in what he prefers on me. Doesn’t mean he’ll leave me since I prefer my hair long.
If he came home with a piercing, I’d be more shocked than anything…he likes tattoos but has never gotten a piercing. I’d wonder what drugs he was on! lol

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

The hair could have been an issue. My Meghan had the most lovely waist-length flaming red hair. My heart would have been broken had she cut it short. It was never a problem though; I washed and brushed it for her.

DominicX's avatar

No, but there probably would be a change in attraction level if my boyfriend decided he wanted long hair. I wish I didn’t react so strongly to it, but I am literally not interested in guys with long hair. Guys with long hair do next to nothing for me sexually. I’ve gone from not even noticing someone to finding them very attractive once they cut their hair. It completely changes the way a person looks.

Go ahead and call me shallow, but I can’t really help what I’m attracted to. Of course I would still be emotionally attracted to him, but the physical attraction would probably be less.

Luckily my boyfriend claims to not like long hair and often he gets his hair cut shorter than I do. My boyfriend has never had long hair in his entire life. Even as a 5-year-old he had short hair. Every picture of him as a young kid I’ve seen he’s had short hair. I can’t even picture what he would look like with longer hair and neither can he. :)

figbash's avatar

I think it would depend completely on the motivation for the change.

If it’s clearly superficial, like a haircut, piercing, etc. then of course – I don’t think there are many people who would end a relationship based on this.

If the change was made to prove a point, win an argument or anything else motivated by some issue in the relationship, then that’s another story. Also, if you happen to have a strong set of beliefs about one thing (religion, dietary, spiritual) and then your SO gets a tattoo that you would find insulting (swastika, you’re a vegan and they get a bunch of taxidermy or bacon tattoos,...) then that change would also potentially be a deal-breaker.

The other change that could end things for me is if my SO completely shifted his style to align with some group – in an extreme way. If he started dressing in extemely baggy Sean John gear, chains, etc., full-blown Afrikana, gangsta, or even something completely costumey like retro 1800s gear, it would probably signify something else was going on and could potentially jeapordize the relationship for me.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Toupee or woodchuck…still not sure..
I’ll say no more.;)

Sophief's avatar

@Leanne1986 He’s not doing it to be mean to you though, like you say, just his sense of humour. I never expected him to take the top back the first time it happened, I was quite shocked. But he says I’m the one that has to look at it.

Brian1946's avatar

If my wife got a tattoo or a piercing, my primary concern would be that she had it done in the safest and most sanitary way.

I sure as hell wouldn’t dump her for dabbling in body art.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

No but my relationship with my partner is a very serious longterm one so we’ve discussed ahead of time things like excessive unhealthy weight gain and how to help each other never get there in the first place. He wouldn’t break up with me for getting a facial tattoo or some ridiculous cranial studs but his attraction to me would likely wane and there’d be frustration. Thing is, I like to think I know what my partner does and doesn’t find attractive (by asking and listening) and he has a good idea of where I stand so it would be random destructiveness for either of us to do something to ourselves we know turns the other off. What would be the point?

evandad's avatar

If she turned into a Juggalette it would be all over.

Jack79's avatar

I almost broke up with a girlfriend for such a reason. Her best friend was full of piercings, which I absolutely detested. She wanted to do it too, and I told her that if she got her tongue pierced it would be over between us, for the simple reason that I’d refuse to kiss her anymore, or let her perform oral sex on me, which was one of the things we often did. So our sex life would generally suffer.

After several discussions and even fights about this, she eventually got a nosering, which I also didn’t like, and teased her about. It was not as bad as a tonguering, and at least I could kiss her still, but it was generally a turn-off. It was not the reason we broke up, but it did strain our relationship, which only lasted a couple of months after she got that ring. She also got a tonguering as soon as we broke up, but took it off after a while.

I don’t know if I would have minded as much if it was a neck piercing or a tattoo or something, though I would have found it stupid as an idea. Yes, people can do anything they want with their bodies, but anyone who’s dumb enough to pierce their neck is not good enough to be my girlfriend.

CaptainHarley's avatar

@evandad

WTF is a “Juggalette?”

tranquilsea's avatar

@OMGHax11ONE “Hell ya because Im shallow as fuck. If she gains over 10 lbs shes done. I make this rule VERY well known in the begining.”

The only person, besides you, that I have heard say this is, regretfully, my BIL. The ironic thing is that the only person to gain weight in their relationship was my BIL. The universe righting itself? Perhaps.

CaptainHarley's avatar

@evandad

Nevermind. I looked them up on Google and that’s far more than I WANT to know! Heh!

tranquilsea's avatar

Nope, I love who he is not what he looks like.

JeffVader's avatar

@deni Hahaha, yeh…. the term Jew-fro is a slice of fried gold thats for sure :)

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@JeffVader
OMG- my partner asked me just the other night what I’d think of him with a Jew-fro :)

JeffVader's avatar

@Neizvestnaya…...... Oh my :) Please tell him he’d look awesome….... for me :)

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