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Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Exes and children visiting dilemma, what is your fix?

Asked by Hypocrisy_Central (26798points) April 22nd, 2010

What would you have told or said to this young man? I knew this young man I will call Eric (to hide his stupidity) many, many gals found him to be devilishly handsome; which he used to full effect. He was certainly not smart to spread his conquest miles upon miles apart. So he ended up with some kids, then about 3 years later more kids. To make matters worse the mothers knew each other; both were exes and they hate each other with a passion. When ever a major holiday comes, Easter, Halloween, Christmas etc he gets the blues big time. His ex the mother of the older kids say he should be with them because they were his 1st. The mother of his younger children said to him that he should be with them since they are toddlers. Doing combined activities is a no go (he tried and it was like trying to put paper and a flame together in the same barrel) there is no peace between the mothers. What would you tell him to get the best result? Go with the younger, go with his 1st set of older kids, none of the kids, or just take the grief because it was a situation of his own creation?

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24 Answers

janbb's avatar

Tact from passion, Booth from Lincoln: It would seem like the only logical solution would be either to alternate spending holidays with each set of kids or to split the days so he is spending part of the day with each. Can’t imagine anything else that makes sense.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@janbb Yeah, fat chance he had getting those squabbling hens to delay Christmas morning while he was at the other gal’s house with her kids. It make sense but he got the riot act trying that one.

MissAusten's avatar

Totally agree with @janbb . It’s a no-brainer. He helped create the situation, he needs to deal with it. If the moms can’t help being nasty and try to get back at each other by controlling him, he needs to step up and create some boundaries with them. He should also be man enough to insist they not taint the children with their negativity. Although “Eric” sounds like he doesn’t have enough common sense for that.

mrrich724's avatar

poor children.

janbb's avatar

He did get himself into a pickle, didn’t he? So, maybe it’s Thanksgiving with one family one year and Christmas with the other and then alternate the next year? It’s either work out a solution like that or the other or walk away from the whole mess he created.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@MissAusten If he had sense he would have spread his sleeping around 50 miles or more apart. To do so where they had a overlapping circle of friends I told him was his DUMBEST move. Almost as dumb as dumping a siter and trying to date the other and thinking no one will find out.

Trillian's avatar

Would it be possible to divide the day and share it with all of them? It was certainly of his making, but that leaves the kids out of the equation. It sounds like there may be some power struggle between the mothers. This is ultimately going to be detrimental to the kids. I’d advise your friend, if he asked me, that since the situation is what is it, he needs to be proactive and make definite plans and keep to them. The kids deserve his time. Period. How he divides it up should be fair and equitable. Recriminations at this point are useless.

dpworkin's avatar

You take the kids, you leave the wives. It’s elementary.

netgrrl's avatar

The needs of the children are most important & should come first. If he can’t see all his children together without the mothers, then alternate.

There is no “more important” with children, regardless of when they’re born.

Love them equally, spend time as equally as possible.

Tell the mothers to get over themselves and start thinking about the children.

Buttonstc's avatar

Just tell him the simple truth:

When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences.

Also known as karma.

Or, you reap what you sow.

Next time he should wear a condom.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@dpworkin Unless they were unfit whore junkie mothers he would have little chance wrestling the kids away from them because he never really got around to marrying any of them, just cohabitating with them; in short he is just the sperm donor and the pocket book.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

None of the adults are acting like adults.

dpworkin's avatar

I mean on a visit. I don’t mean take custody. Why do the mothers have to see one another? I have two ex-wives. I don’t think they are bffs. I see all my children.

Trillian's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central, has he not gone to family court and gotten anything in writing? That would be a good place to start. A disinterested third party who would have the good of the kids as a priority seems his best choice. Family court will provide that.

janbb's avatar

Here’s the real question. Does he want to spend time with his children or is he just enjoying the drama? (Fact from fiction indeed.)

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@janbb He loves and enjoys all his children (as much as their moms will allow) He would love to take the kids alone but the mothers don’t trust eachother and figure somehow the other mother will be their without them present or end up at her house, but neither wants to host the other set of kids either.

dpworkin's avatar

The mothers have no choice. He needs to go to family court and formalize his visitation.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Ummmmm…he could have the mothers bumped off…........OK poor ideal but it would end the problem (if he got away with it)

netgrrl's avatar

That’s so wrong. ALL the children & dad are a family & should be able to spend time together.

I hate it when parents are so petty at the expense of the children.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@Buttonstc Oh don’t he wish he would have used one LOL LOL I told him he was luckier than another guy I met who had 9 SETS of kids and hardly spent time with any of them. I also told him he better pray no other baby mammas show up with more kids he didn’t know about…..... You want to dip your wick in every lagoon sooner or later you will get shark bit.

wundayatta's avatar

Intervention with the help of a family counselor? Somehow he has to make peace with the ladies so they can all cooperate. Obviously they are all too childish to do it on their own. Maybe a little help would make a solution more possible.

You can, of course, go to court, but a solution that is court mandated is much less likely to be adhered to than a mutually agreed solution. You end up going back to court every time the agreement is violated and that’s just a waste of time. You need a professional dispute resolution specialist to help work this out. Every party needs someone to advocate for them, including the children.

If they don’t do something, the train wreck will lurch along, with the same problem coming up every few months or so. But it sounds like the so-called adults are more vested in continuing some long fight than in actually doing what’s best for the kids.

Good luck with that!

thriftymaid's avatar

Your scenario makes me feel sad. I hope he can work things out because all of his children need him in their lives. He needs them too.

Sophief's avatar

Suppose it is a little too late to tell him he should of put something on the end of it.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@netgrrl @MissAustenThis is briliant I think. He takes the older kids and tells their mom they are going to do this ir that. He tells the younger kids mother to meet them here ir their (somewhere the older kids can be safe but out of sight) then he takes both sets of kids out with the mothers clueless and tells the kids if they want to keep having fun they have to keep their mouth shut, don’t lie of asked but if they are not asked don’t tell.

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