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wundayatta's avatar

Do you have to know the reason why when someone you care about deeply acts like you're nothing?

Asked by wundayatta (58568points) April 23rd, 2010

We’ve had a gazillion questions about how to get over a lost love. This, I hope, is a little different. I’m wondering who needs to know the reason why someone hates them?

This always tends to trip me up. There are times when I just can’t figure out why someone is acting the way they are acting. It gets me crazy, and I can’t let go of it until I get an explanation. The longer I go without an explanation, the crazier I get. If one is not forthcoming, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Anyone else out there like this? Or can you just drop someone with no explanation needed? Do you want to know why? Or can you let it go, just figuring the relationship is over? What do you do if you don’t want to let it go?

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23 Answers

marinelife's avatar

I always want to know why. However, i have learned to stop letting it drive me crazy. Time spent trying to figure it out without the other person’s input is wasted time. People will not always give a straight answer. They have their own reasons for that.

DarkScribe's avatar

Because you are obsessive perhaps?

slick44's avatar

I dont care if people dont like me. Great if you do, but if not, im not loseing any sleep.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Ehhh some people are going to like you, some arent. I try not to think/care about those who dont. Its wasted effort IMO.

wundayatta's avatar

Damn, @slick44 I wish I could be like you. I got hardly any sleep last night.

Yes, @DarkScribe, I do have obsessive tendencies.

@marinelife How did you stop letting it drive you crazy? What did you learn that enabled you to do that?

@uberbatman You really don’t care at all why people do or don’t like you? What if you want them to like you or to enjoy being with you?

slick44's avatar

@wundayatta… you so funny.

rangerr's avatar

I’m a bit hypocritical with this.
I can drop people with no warning. I never want to explain myself, so I don’t. My mind is too complex for most to understand.

But at the same time, there’s times where I freak out if people do that to me.

MarcoNJ's avatar

If my wife did so to me…that’s just her ignoring my blabber-mouth self after an argument I wouldn’t shut up about. Times like those is when I appreciate a nice glass of Vodka and Grapefruit juice. Eventually she’ll come around.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@wundayatta nope, I really dont. I have learned to just be myself in life. If you like me for who I am, great. If not, oh well. I cant say I’ve ever really tried to get anyone’s affection or friendship.

It is also important to note though, I am an introvert by nature so I am quite content being alone just as well.

Chongalicious's avatar

YES. It eats away at me until I finally figure it out, or until they finally tell me :(

I hate when they tell me “Well you should know, you did it!”...Clearly I didn’t know I was even doing wrong or I don’t remember…so yeah :/

wonderingwhy's avatar

Well in order for me to care about them “deeply” they have to have similar feelings for me over an extended period of time. In that case, yes, of course I want to know and I won’t hesitate to ask. Obviously there’s some serious or perceived problem that needs a resolution. I don’t care deeply about many people at all so when I do and a situation such as that arises they’re certainly worth my time to understand what’s going on. In my experience one doesn’t go from maintaining that depth of feeling for someone for years to hating them over night without significant reason, at least from their perspective.

janbb's avatar

It bothers the hell out of me. I hate being ignored by a friend or dropped without knowing why. Luckily, it has only happened a few times in my life. Unluckily, it happened just recently when a friend of both my husband’s and mine stopped talking to us between one day and the next and will not engage in any way or tell us why. It was a good friend and is very painful, but I have had to let it go now since there is nothing I can do about it.

escapedone7's avatar

I don’t “hate” many people but there are people I distance myself from for what I perceive as my own emotional well being. That isn’t the same as hating. Sometimes I give an explanation. Sometimes they refuse to hear what I say though, and every reason is argued against like a lawyer hitting counter points. Other times I felt unsafe. If I feel it is unsafe, I won’t make things worse by pouring gas on the fire and rubbing salt in the wound telling everything that crossed my boundaries of what is acceptable to me in my life. Some people can handle boundaries. The people I am most likely to end things with are people who don’t have healthy boundaries, and take mine personally.

mcbealer's avatar

If I drop someone they know why. It takes a lot to push me that far, and so in the moment some have been taken a bit off guard.

The flip side of that: I respect the other person’s wish… hopefully things did not go wrong for so long that you don’t get a ‘why.’

I think it is when all communication is lost that the situation you’re describing happens. I answered your question with intimate relationships as the basis.

Sometimes the why may not come right away. The other person may need to work on it on a different time table. Although hard, we have no choice but to accept that. Blaming oneself is futile.

marinelife's avatar

@wundayatta It took a lot of effort. I literally went for years puzzling over the break-up of a thirty-year friendship. When I finally came out the other side, I had been forced to figure out what I wanted to have happen with regard to the friendship. That took my focus off of the why it was ending. I finally came to peace with it. Nothing like that has ever bothered me again.

OneMoreMinute's avatar

Here’s something that helps me a lot when I’m in a quagmire. Or, ‘serenity challenged.’

Dear God grant me the senility to forget
the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

OK, And if you still are sick about it, try this one:

OMGawd grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the f#@king courage to change the things I can,
or the stealth and agility to hunt them down and kill them!

And if you’re STILL sick about it. Don’t believe half the things you feel!

You could just tell yourself that’s how they publicly show their muchness love for you without getting all the other reindeer jealous and gossipy and pissy.

Don’t worry, be happy, the rainbows come out tomorrow!
When all else fails, sometimes Nothing can be Everything, depending on your rose colored glasses are half full or empty.

Let me know if this helps, or if you still want to throw up.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Yes! I can pretend it doesn’t bug me that some friend goes mia for awhile but it only lasts so long before I assume it’s because of me, that I must be bad in some way and they’re writing me off at last.

This happened to me recently that a longtime friend went without responding to contact for several months. At first I wrote it off to their just being busy and that everything was probably fine. After a few months though with no response to texts or phone calls, I sent a few e-mails and still no response. I wrote again all sad and dopey to say I wasn’t going to reach out anymore. My friend wrote back immediately, all is fine just life going by.

I hated myself for over reacting and apologized but yes, these things go on and people take for granted we won’t notice their absences or won’t read negatives into dead space. My bf laughed that I was so sad to have “broken up” with my friend he bugged me to find out and then get my ass across town to reconnect.

wundayatta's avatar

It’s situational, of course. In some cases, it can take weeks or months to start worrying. In others, it might only take a day or two. It all depends on the frequency of communication or the completeness of communication in the past. In this most recent case, some very complicated things had been happening, and to be dropped in the middle of the suspense and anxiety of wondering where this was going to go next…

Well, I freaked out. I do that. Regularly. Some things I just can not retain perspective on. I tell myself it’s ok and it doesn’t mean anything and then my anxiety gets the better of me, and I don’t know what else to do but to lash out. It’s kind of like screaming when someone stabs you with a knife. It doesn’t help, really, but it does express your feelings.

shpadoinkle_sue's avatar

It’s happened a couple times. Everyone around me can see the relationship coming to an end and they tell me, but I’m really stubborn. Then after I get dropped, I kinda don’t care anymore.

slick44's avatar

@OneMoreMinute .. thats really cool. i like that :)

OneMoreMinute's avatar

@slick44 thanks very muchness Slick!

Silhouette's avatar

Nope I don’t need to know why and if I’m honest with myself, which I usually am, I already know why. You should spend more energy figuring out why you act the way you act and less trying to figure out why “they” act the way they act.

trbryant's avatar

Sin and an a unregenerate heart.

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