@prolificus – Okay, I just wanted to ask before I chimed in, in case it wasn’t what you were looking for. :)
I was a pretty normal little girl, I liked dolls, could play with my dollhouse for hours, loved my tea set, that sort of typical girl stuff. But at some point in my childhood, my maleness began to assert itself. I remember one Easter when I was about 7 or 8, screaming my head off as my mom chased me around with this horrendous frilly dress/gloves/hat/socks/shoes outfit. I so did not want to put it on, I even ran out the door of our apartment around the building trying to escape her. Eventually, I lost, of course. I wish I had the picture she took after she wrangled it on me, my face really just says it all.
I then was a tomboy. I still played with Barbies, but I also liked skateboarding, climbing trees, sword fighting, GI Joes, and playing with boys. I never really grew out of the tomboyishness, and that’s an easy way to classify me now, because I definitely have both male and female sides and I don’t much identify with one over the other. I haven’t worn a dress since I was 20.. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched The L Word, but there’s an epidsode where Carmen’s family basically forces Shane to wear a dress. It’s supposed to be funny, but I did not find it funny, I felt so totally sorry for Shane. Shane in that dress is how I feel in dresses.. it’s like putting a guy in a dress. It just looks ridiculous on me and I feel ridiculous.
As I’ve explored my sexuality and gender over the years, for a while I felt exactly half girl, half boy. I felt a definite line there. Now, I feel like the boy side dominates. I realize that my brain is definitely wired more male than female. In relationships, I am pretty much the guy in terms of roles, and I like it that way. I dated one butch woman who was more male than I was, and it was kind of disconcerting. I liked it in a sense, but I was so unused to it that I didn’t quite know what to do.
I’m way more comfortable in men’s clothes. I have a weird body shape, more male than female (excepting the female equipment); no hips, no ass, no kidding. I can pull my pants off without unbuttoning them. Women’s clothes feel really weird to me and they are not meant for people built like men. So, I know the men’s clothes aren’t flattering, but they’re comfortable and they suit me.
I’ve considered gender re-assignment, but have come to the conclusion that it’s not for me. I’ve kind of gotten used to “me” as I am, even though it’s probably weird to a lot of people. I know I don’t fit into normal gender roles. It’s even difficult in the lesbian world, because most lesbians break off and identify as butch or femme. I feel left out quite a bit, it’s difficult to find someone not interested in rigid types like that. I mean, I’m butch and femme. I kinda like it. I feel like it makes me well-rounded.
I don’t feel so out of sync with my body that I feel I need to change it. Like I said, I’ve considered it. I kind of would like a penis, if we’re being totally honest here. But I also like having a vagina.. and weighing the post-surgery penis and that it’s not quite as functional as a natural one, I think I’m okay with what I’ve got. It works, it’s fun, girls like it.. and I’m pretty okay with that.
Edit: I was thinking about what I said and I don’t have any issues identifying as a woman, because I really like women. In fact, I don’t like to say it out loud much for fear of offending people, but I don’t much like men as a generality. I kind of don’t know what women see in them. :P I’m not a man-hater, exactly. I do have male friends that I care for quite a bit, but it’s really like separating the wheat from the chaff. What I find lacking in men, I find in abundance in women. So it’s not difficult for me to call myself female or identify as a woman. I feel like I’m in really good company. (and I hope I said that in a way that is understandable and doesn’t piss people off)
Composing members:
0
