Social Question

Sophief's avatar

How much are you willing to tolerate for love?

Asked by Sophief (6681points) May 2nd, 2010

I see so many people that put up with so much from their s/o, because they love them.

For example; Being in touch with an ex, lying, cheating, beating.
I think I could put with some of it but would probably draw the line at beating, although I have been in a relationship like that before, I wouldn’t again.

What you put up with? Where do you draw the line?

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33 Answers

gemiwing's avatar

I draw the line at anything that isn’t safe, calm or loving. Calling me names? Not love. Putting me down? Not love. I’ll ride the second red flag I see, and high tail it out of town. There are too many assholes using the mantle of false love. Too many awesome people in the world to stay with one jackass.

cazzie's avatar

I know I shouldn’t but… I’ve put up with .. a lot.

bongo's avatar

I just wrote a really nice long answer and my computer crashed! damnit.
basically being in touch with an ex should never be something a couple should fight about. my bf is very much still firends with his ex and has even been to visit her for the weekend in edinburgh, just him. i didnt know until after he came back, i thought he was going to visit another mate but he didnt make it to edinbrough. I completely trust him though and I trust her too, by making more of a fuss i rekon you would push your s.o. further away making it harder for you both to talk ame therefore more likely to lie etc.
I couldnt forgive cheating, personally. but beating and lying can span a huge spectrum. a little lie on where he was (i.e. i was at the library! no you were watching the football at the pub isnt that bad. same with a bit of a push in an argument.) everyone has their limits. its important to know what your partners is before you test them mind as I know girls who have left their bfs because of a bit of a shove whilst arguing (they are more than happy to push their bfs but will not stand them pushing them!)

Sophief's avatar

@bongo Thank you. Great answer. You must be very secure do allow your boyfriend to do that.

nebule's avatar

I won’t put up with anything that makes my tummy turn

ucme's avatar

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that!! Whatever that is.Honey pass the Meatloaf ;¬}

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

If the problem is external, then love knows no bounds. I would stick with my girlfriend through anything, as long as she is not the source of the trouble. However if it is a more personal problem such as beating, deception etc. then I would only stick around as long as I could be sure that the love was mutual. Anything that proved that she no longer loved me would be my cue to leave.

Sophief's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh Thank you, I think I would be the same.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

I have never been in love so I really don’t even know what love is and how it fills. But if I were in love with someone, like really in love I think I would do anything for them, but not always everytime.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I’ve never had to make that decision. My lady was perfection incarnate.

Kismet's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land That’s super cute. It’s good that you sound someone so good for you. :)

I can tolerate being teased, like a playful push or even a small name calling because I know he isn’t serious.
I feel like I wouldn’t be able to tolerate cheating, and if I did still stay with him after he cheated, I wouldn’t trust him. . . Which I believe trust is one of the very foundations to a relationship. I fully trust him now, all that I trust would be ruined and would ruin me.
I don’t think he’d ever beat me. . . and if he did, I don’t know what I’d do.

I really love my boyfriend and he hasn’t done anything so horribly wrong that I’d leave, nor as he done any of the things mentioned.
What I do know is that if he did, I’d be rather unhappy. . . And I’d probably be able to understand what choices I’d make then.

Scooby's avatar

I don’t tolerate anything I consider a betrayal to me, lying, cheating, verbal abuse, mind games, deceptions of any kind, back biting gossips, betrayal of trust …. I’m quite hard to please! :-/

aprilsimnel's avatar

I don’t like the word “tolerate”. Who wants to have their selves tolerated? To tolerate means “to permit, to put up with, to endure.” Who wants to feel like they’re being “put up with”? None of those things has to do with what love means, which is acceptance. Acceptance is to agree, to understand that something is the way it is and to be fine with that.

Nitpicky things like, he wears a tie I’m not fond of, that’s one thing. But there are things I don’t accept in a relationship. I have my dealbreakers: Dishonesty of any kind is the main one, because it manifests itself in a variety of ways, cheating, lying, manipulating, etc. Anyone hitting me? Out. Bullies? Out. Our deepest values don’t match? That won’t work, either.

bunnygrl's avatar

When you love someone, really really love someone, you very naturally put them at the very centre of your world and wrap everything else in your life around them, well if you do that for somebody, they better be willing to do the same thing right back for you. My Grandmother always told me as I was growing up that folk will only treat you the way you allow them to, she also told me that if, when i grew up, a man hit me, well that was his fault. A real man does not EVER raise his hands to a woman, if she deserves walloped (Grans words) by treating him so badly no one should put up with it, then he still never raises his hands, he lifts his jacket instead and walks, and she’d deserve that because being part of a couple is a partnership, and “hen, that means two people treating each other right”. She said if a man ever hits a woman a second time, then that’s the woman’s fault for allowing it. Again, as I said, she told me that someone only gets treated the way they allow themselves to be treated. If a man hits a woman he has a problem, if the woman stays and puts up with it, then she has a problem.

No one deserves to be mistreated, disrespected, deceived or ever EVER have violence used against them and its up to every individual to never put up with it. Be sure of your own worth, know that you are positively worth the very best in life and if your SO is unwilling to deliver that of themselves, then dump their butt. Life is too short to be filled with unhappy days, so lay down the law on how you’ll allow yourself to be treated, but remember when you’re doing that to treat your SO just exactly the way you’re demanding to be treated yourself. Make him/her the centre of your world and make sure they know it, then spend the rest of your lives enjoying each other.
hugs honeys xx

Trillian's avatar

After this last disaster I have no plans to “put up” with much. I ended up compromising myself and my ideals more and more over a period of time before I realized that almost everything I was doing went against what I believed and what I wanted out of a relationship.
If I don’t get back what I’m putting into it then I’m just wasting my time.
I don’t cheat, I don’t want someone cheating on me. I don’t lie, I don’t want someone lying to me. I don’t hit, I don’t want to be hit. I don’t keep secrets, I don’t want secrets kept from me.
I put up with things like toilet seats being left up, wet towels on the floor, etc. But I will not put up with not being put first. Not anymore. I can be alone and get the same thing.

partyparty's avatar

If your SO truly loves you then they wouldn’t always treat you with respect.
Love yourself first and foremost, the respect from your SO will come naturally.
Nobody has to tolerate bad behaviour. That’s not love.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I wouldn’t tolerate anything that didn’t feel right to me. All problems better be resolved and quickly. I have high standards and that’s why my relationship is satisfying. I would rather be single than be disrespected or stagnant or not inspired.

Silhouette's avatar

I tolerate it when he farts under the covers, I tolerate it when he leaves the toilet seat up, I tolerate it when he snores. He tolerates me when I start blabbering on about something stupid after he has kissed me good night and turned off the lights or when I fart under the covers etc. Number one deal breaker for us is a tie between lying and beating. Cheating? When we were young we both slept with another person but we did it together and we made a deal then, if we wanted to sleep with someone else we’d be honest about it. We don’t cheat.

SuperMouse's avatar

For years I sublimated most of my feelings for what I thought was love. Now I know that wasn’t love. I feel like I am getting closer to understanding what love really is and because of that I am honing in on the idea of what is and isn’t ok to tolerate in the name of love.

I will tolerate his attitude and frustrations and sometimes being on the receiving end of those things. I will tolerate his being a human being and making the mistakes human beings make and sometimes being on the receiving end of those things. I will not tolerate blatant disrespect, spite, hatred, or any kind of physical or emotional abuse.

The more deeply I fall in love, the more clearly the boundaries I set for myself come into focus.

downtide's avatar

Dealbreakers for me would be abuse (physical, mental or emotional), posessiveness, controlling behaviour, hatred. Safety of myself and my daughter. Most other things would be negotiable.

Facade's avatar

I’m not a very tolerant person in general. I can’t stand ignorance and stupidity. I tolerate the small little quirks my man has because I love him. I definitely would not tolerate lying, cheating, abuse, etc. That’s just stupid.

wundayatta's avatar

My bottom line is physical intimacy. Without that, everything is up for grabs. Of course, I do tolerate a lack of that for love for my children and my wife and the life we have built together. But if it went on forever, for much longer, anyway, then I might tolerate an awful lot for love. I might tolerate being separate from children and my wife and life as I knew it. I might put up with someone who was very high maintenance, if we were compatible physically. I don’t know, though, to tell the truth. Maybe that’s all fantasy to let off some steam. I might work on my marriage forever because there’s too much there, and because it is probably that the problems I need to address are actually my own problems.

MrsDufresne's avatar

Anything that doesn’t end up putting me in a box or turning me into powder.

@bunnygrl Yes. I totally agree.

Sophief's avatar

@bunnygrl That is really beautiful and really really true, thank you.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I tolerate my partner letting his dogs on/in the bed. Personally, I think it’s gross and it makes me irritated when I want to be alone and intimate with him.

I tolerate my partner chews tobacco from time to time.

Aside from that are things of acceptance. He isn’t as fortunate as I am to have a respectable ex spouse so I keep in mind they will have tension from time to time when dealing with each other because of their kids. I accept his kids will be #1 for him instead of me until they’re grown and independent.

Where I draw the line is at cheating or abuse of any nature. To me, the silent treatment or indifference from a partner isn’t a partnership at all and I’ll bail.

bunnygrl's avatar

@MrsDufresne <hugs>

@Sophief brilliant question as always honey, love and hugs xx

Plone3000's avatar

If thay cheat I would pritty much be done with um.

Resonantscythe's avatar

Not as much as I did before, that’s for sure.

Emotionally, my last relationship felt one-sided and not quite abusive but felt like it could go there.
She constantly downplayed my love and affection for her. Rarely displayed any real trust in me. Constantly questioned my love and devotion to the relationship. I constantly felt like I was putting in much more effort than she was and, the more I tried to prove myself, the more she seemed to deny my feelings.

It was hardly a surprise when she left me for someone with more money after all the complaining she did of my lack of it.

Overall I will no longer tolerate a one-sided relationship. If the other person isn’t into it, I’d only hurt myself(again) if I tried to be.

brinkofit's avatar

Cheating, big lies, making me feel like crap and of those is an automatic flush

bunnygrl's avatar

@Resonantscythe <hugs> by the sounds of it, you’re better rid of her honey. You deserve far far better and you’ll find her, or she’ll find you. Life has an odd way of working itself out eventually, but it truly sucks that really nice people get hurt so often.
love and hugs xx

Resonantscythe's avatar

@bunnygrl Thanks lots. :)
It’s not like I don’t admit that there were things I needed to work on, because there were and I do admit that. But I felt like I had made progress on my end in working on things that became problems, but she was never satisfied with anything. Anymore though, I do feel loads and loads better to be without her, even if I do still miss being with someone.

bunnygrl's avatar

@Resonantscythe if there is someone who doesn’t need stuff working on, well then that person isn’t human, my own list is endless lol. It’s been my experience though that the nicest people sometimes attract people who aren’t, I told my friend ages ago that she’s a creep magnet. I do believe though that it all works out in the end. You’ll find the right one honey, and when you do, it’ll have been worth the wait. Just make sure you keep telling yourself that you deserve the best, because you do. I think that sends out vibes and helps attract the kind of person you want, not someone who will be selfish and not treat you the way you deserve.
love and hugs xx

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