How can I encourage a reciprocal relationship with my mother who is diametrically opposed to my queer life?

Me – See my profile.

Mom – Conservative Christian who comes from the school of thought that one cuts off relationship in order to cause the one cut off to repent (turn away from sin), has a narrow view of gender / sexuality, and still maintains a small-town mentality. The positive side is that she has the capacity to be very loving and compassionate, tender and kind. Plus, although not easily accomplished, she is willing to change.

There are 30+ years of details I am leaving out of this description. However, I will share the things I’ve tried: compliance (practicing her way of life in order to appease her), implementing strong boundaries (living my life and not letting her have access to it), reasoning (trying to find points of agreement, etc.), arguing (“I’m right, you’re wrong”), and debating (trying to prove her POV wrong, etc.). Also, in case you’re curious, I have sought support and counseling over the years.

Over a year ago, mom told me in no uncertain terms, that she does not want to hear anything about my “lifestyle” (this includes: anything related to the queer world). Essentially, this excludes the majority the things I’m passionate about: my church, my relationships, graduate studies, volunteer work, recreational activities, my political and philosophical views, etc.—leaving discussion limited to 9–5 work (yawn), what’s for dinner (zzzz), and other things, although important, aren’t representative of the whole of me. It is as if my mom has no desire to know me as a person.

Out of love and respect, I have complied with her request. This hasn’t been the most pleasant experience, but it has worked for almost a year. However, over the past couple of months, I have become increasingly involved with the elder care of my parents. (This question I asked earlier has more details.) As a result, a tremendous amount of my (mental/emotional) energy is spent on my parents.

Although I am “out and open” in my big-city life, I have come to realize the consequences of compliance in one significant relationship. Year-long compliance has systematically enclosed my soul into another closet and it has led to a mild depression. Relationship with mom is no small thing.

I want to have a relationship with my mom, but as it is, it is very one-sided and draining. I would love to share my life with her.

Suggestions?