Social Question

MegDatingDetox's avatar

I believe I give off a vibe that attracts ridiculous, selfish, and crazy men. How do I change that vibe and meet nice men?

Asked by MegDatingDetox (7points) May 2nd, 2010

I have a tendency to date crazy men. Men who stalk me, suggest that they’d like to sleep with my sister, scream at me for infractions such as not calling them back within 15 minutes, refuse to make plans with me in advance or when they do show up on the wrong day or hours late, like their own Facebook statuses, send me incoherent texts/e-mails, or start dating someone else without telling me.

I genuinely don’t know why I tend to attract these men, and I think I might be giving off a vibe that is appealing to bad men. How do I change this pattern??

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19 Answers

escapedone7's avatar

Have you considered therapy? I know that will sound like a prat answer. For me personally, I suffered an abusive childhood where I became so accustomed to insanity that my warning alarms no longer go off. I no longer think anything is “weird” because I grew up with crazy. It doesn’t immediately register when someone is crossing the line. Also since I was never allowed any healthy boundaries, I never developed any. I am learning how to create healthy boundaries. I am learning important social skills in group therapy that help me learn to say “no” and to be assertive about keeping healthy boundaries. It is very helpful. To be blunt they do it because you let them, while other people tell them to go to hades.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Instead of going after the crazy, flashy, loud ones go for the nice quiet, single guy in the office.
He will treat you with respect.

Look in the mirror. How are you dressing?

lillycoyote's avatar

I haven’t read your whole blog but my first suggestion is that, perhaps, the next time you meet a Nigerian man that you simply walk away quickly. My best boss ever, and we later became friends, was from Sierra Leone and she and her sister both married and subsequently divorced Nigerian men. She told me never to get involved with one. It didn’t seem to be motivated by bitterness and anger, just a word to the wise. And I have a NIgerian friend and what I noticed is that Nigerian men, an of course this is a sweeping generalization based on a limited sample, they seemed to like to sit around talking about politics, my friend called it “saving the world from the seat of their pants” while the women did all the work. That was just my impression. I’m sure not all Nigerian men are like that.

SeventhSense's avatar

Holy shit bitch you’re tripping! And your sister is off the hook!
Oh BTW- I’m dating your mother.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Have you given some thought to the characteristics you value that you would want to find in men you agree to date? Is there any reason why you feel you don’t deserve to hold out for men with respectful attitudes and conduct?

If you doubt your worthiness to date men who meet the criteria you want, then that might explain why you accept invitations from guy who will be rude, disrespectful or inconsiderate.

I don’t know that they are many women who deserve to date such guys and I don’t see why you should settle for they either.

Is there something you fear (such as not having someone to date) that motivates you to accept the invitation of jerks and crazies?

Be good to yourself and to others and you will find you will be asked out by the kind of guys that really appeal to you.

Pandora's avatar

You may be lacking confidence and seem desperate, so you get whats on the bottom of the pot. Set boundries and don’t be in a panic if you don’t date for a while. Don’t be afraid to layout the terms. First term should be, “Crazy people need not apply”!

le_inferno's avatar

It’s not that you “attract” these men, it’s that you are drawn to them for some inexplicable and probably unconscious reason. Try to find a common denominator in all these crazy men you dated. What do they have in common? How did you meet them? Maybe this will help you isolate the variable that leads to you dating someone undesirable.
Think about what you want in a man, try to spot those qualities when you meet one.

Nullo's avatar

Consider where you’re looking.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

Change your behavior!
You attract these guys because you’re attracted to these guys.

loser's avatar

Where are you finding these guys? You might consider looking elsewhere. Also, try pretending your best friend is dating them. What would you tell her? Try not to focus on who you attract but rather on who you want to accept.

DarkScribe's avatar

This happens in all your relationships?

Do you realise that the only common factor in a series of relationships is you? The guys are all different.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Your blog reads like a variation on “Sex and the City.” If that show was a primary influence in how you view single adult female life to be like, then the probable outcome is that you will attract crazy men. I have to agree with @Captain_Fantasy. You are attracting these guys because you’re looking for them.

mattbrowne's avatar

Talk about very complicated stuff you are knowledgeable about and see if they are smart enough to follow you. Refuse to just discuss trivia.

CMaz's avatar

You know the type of men you attract. You know what your actions are, in general.

Now do the opposite. Start to evaluate your actions of yourself and the individuals you are facing. If you start to see a pattern. Back off, walk/run away.

I ti s a matter of identify these patterns then changing them. And, it might mean staying away from men till you figure it out, developing the self control to turn things into a positive experience.

Pandora's avatar

@DarkScribe LOL. You have got a point there. I remember once meeting a guy that was married 4 times and he was just in his late 30’s. He swore he wasn’t going to get married ever again. By the end of the year he already met someone he was going to marry and make his 5th wife. He claimed all his wives were crazy cheating whores. I only knew him for a few hours and my first thought was how the hell did he ever manage to find someone who would marry him at all?
He was extremely rude and hateful to women in general. A throw back to the cave man.
So it makes sense he would only attrack crazies. But even crazies get a day of some sense and try to find happiness some how. At least he was probably right because no sane woman with an ounce of self respect would go with him. One should never date out of their species.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@Pandora, extra lurve for “date out of their species.” I thought the same thing as I was reading the blog entries.

My take on the television show “Sex and the City” when it aired was that it was based upon the premise that anything in pants is dateable material. That’s simply not true. You need to date people with whom you have an element of commonality. Within your own cultural normative (which has nothing to do with race, income or occupation) you have the mechanisms to intuitively know what the patterns of behavior are, and the expectations.

A Fluther question a few days ago asked about the source for the Peter DeVries quote,
The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. This extends to dating. If you are attracted to the exotic, the problem comes with trying to form a relationship with the character. If you don’t share cultural normatives, then you have have no basis for assessing the character that is fair to the individual.

newscruzer1's avatar

Try not to be to anxious, for when you show that you are, you leave yourself venerable to those who can spot your venerability who are quick to take advantage of you.
Be more self confident and carry your head high, present yourself as someone that is sure footed that knows what they want out of life.

Jabe73's avatar

My question is HOW are you meeting these men. If you are giving off a passive vibe and always wait for them to approach you already answered your own question. If the guys are aggressive enough to approach chances are they are going to be aggressive in other areas of the date or relation. Relationships are a 2 way street, even in the beginning. If you want a decent guy you may need to do some work yourself but you didn’t describe how your “attracting” or “meeting” them but i have a younger sister and i told her the same thing. Every guy that ever approached her first for a date ended up being a controlling piece of s—t. They even disrespected me, i gotten into fights with many of these guys because they wouldn’t leave my sister alone.

I’m not saying every guy that talks to a girl first is always a bad person but you have to use common sense, i tried to set my sister up with some guys i trusted but she ended up ditching them, she says when she talks to guys first they blow her off but knowing the types of guys she was attracted to in the past it don’t surprise me, she don’t date anymore but you sound alot like her. Location is also a factor, where are you meeting them?

Also, talking to or approaching someone first and asking someone out on a date first are actually 2 very different things. I learned this myself in life, if you don’t work for something you won’t get no award, same with dating for BOTH men/women. I also think in this sex obsessed, i want the quick fix rather than work for anything society today more people are more in love with the relationships themselves than the people they are actually with, AVOID dating advice experts and books as well.

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