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legenwaitforitdairy's avatar

Boyfriend was with a girl that made my life miserable and I'm still upset. How can I not be?

Asked by legenwaitforitdairy (159points) May 6th, 2010

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 17 months. We had a pretty bad first couple of months with him constantly lying and keeping communication ties open with people he had slept with. But he is completely different now. Literally, I am a lucky girl.

Except for one thing. I can’t get over his past. Let me start off by saying he’s slept with 40+ women (many of times unprotected because he was a drunken idiot, but no STDs…thank God), and he is my third. I have trouble with the idea that he tells me that these previous experiences were nothing and that ours is so much better. I mean, it’s like thrusting..how is it any different between people? Maybe it’s because I’ve only done it with people that I’ve cared about and not ones that I don’t actually know, but can someone clarify this? He says now that our sex is the best he’s ever had..but well..I don’t believe that because there were certain instances in time that he’s had sex outside, on airplanes, on beaches, on scaffolding…ugh it’s ridiculous. How can those experiences not be hot? Or for that matter be better than the times we have it…in…bed?

I particularly, (and talk about coincidence) can’t stand this specific girl he slept with AND liked. In college this girl tortured me. Literally, like an adult bully. My boyfriend met her while in graduate school together, liked her, and they slept together… more than once. Unprotected. Anyway, she actually had a boyfriend so they didn’t go anywhere. He met me a couple of months later, we went on our first date, it was a disaster, and then that night went to her place to try to get some (they didn’t have any though).

While we were dating he still called her pet names (behind my back) and originally lied about what was going on about their relationship.

I’m wondering about the whole hotness aspect of it all, how to get over his “relationship” with this girl who literally spent college making me miserable, and the fact that I feel like i have her used goods?

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16 Answers

janbb's avatar

For me, if I felt a guy’s past was in the past, it wouldn’t bother me. However, if I felt he was lying, manipulating me or allowing relationships from the past to intrude on our own, I would not trust him well. (Or if he needed to constantly harp on things from the past.) The bottom line is that only you can tell if you really trust him now. Also, it is possible that his past history is too big a fish for you to swallow, in which case, you may need to move on to another relationship where the experience is more equal.

partyparty's avatar

If this guy really wanted to be with the other girls, then he wouldn’t be with you now.

I am sure it must be awful for you to know your boyfriend has been with this bully, but now he is with you.

Stop torturing yourself. Put the past behind you if you can. If you can’t cope with his past, then you need to move on.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I see two different issues here. There’s his past and with that you really only have two options, to accept it (because it can’t be changed) or to leave him. As far as all the women he’s had sex with in the past, it could very well be that the majority of them meant nothing. Just because you only had sex with people you cared about, it doesn’t mean he did to.

The other issues is his behavior with this other girl when the two of you first got together. The fact that he was still calling her pet names and lying to you about their relationship can be pretty damaging. If you feel he is no longer lying to you and everything is out in the open, you have to decide if you can trust him from here on out. The past is the past and we cannot change it, only learn from it.

With almost any relationship, you are going to have someone’s “used goods” as you put it. Is it the thought of having “used goods” that bothers you or just that it’s this girl? Either way, perhaps talking to someone to get past the anger you have towards her would be beneficial. I think your feelings towards this girl are a separate issue between just you and her. She did things to you during college that you haven’t moved passed yet. That’s understandable and now you have a choice, to keep things as they are or to get help to move passed them.

lilikoi's avatar

“But he is completely different now.”

Is he? Because if he is, the problem would seem to be with you and not him.

“I can’t get over his past.”

Okay. It sounds like the problem is you, not him. Do you wish you had slept with more people? Are you jealous about the disparity in the numbers? Is sex in bed what makes you happy or do you want to be out there doing it all over the place? If you want to sleep with more people before settling down, maybe you should. If you’re jealous about the disparity in #s, you shouldn’t be. It sounds like you had different standards and lifestyles in the past and what matters is you are happy with the way you live/d your life. If you want to have sex in random places, make it happen, but do it for yourself not to upstage the other girls from his past.

Moving on to the “specific girl”. Is this person still in your life? Does he still maintain contact with her? If not, I agree with @Seaofclouds’ advice on this point. Seeking professional help to move past it could be helpful. If she is still around, you can consider giving an ultimatum (her or me kind of thing), confronting her directly and having it out, or limiting your contact with her to, well, zero and seeking help.

le_inferno's avatar

So much to address here.

First of all, you should stop agonizing about his past and comparing yourself to his past sexual encounters. Clearly, he really cares about you. That’s why the sex with you is the best he’s had. I think he’s being honest and not just appeasing you. His one-night-stands in “hot” circumstances (planes, scaffolding, etc.) were fun and interesting, sure, but that’s all they were. With you, he shares intimacy, and so your sexual encounters are special. They mean something.

With that being said, I can understand why you’re uncomfortable. His hyper-sexual behavior in the past is a little disconcerting, and makes me wonder if he has a sexual addiction problem. Bill Clinton is a notorious case of sexual addiction; he had a past similar to your boyfriend and look how he ended up… cheating on his wife. The fact that your boyfriend kept talking to this other girl behind your back is pretty bad, but not criminal. If he’s not in touch with her anymore, I think you should just move on and not dwell on it. He’s dating you now, not her. It’s hard to accept the fact that your boyfriend slept with someone terrible like that, but in the end, he chose you and that’s who he wants to be with. That’s very important to remember.

But going back to your boyfriend’s behavior, is there any evidence of cheating besides calling this girl pet names? If he has a sexual addiction problem, it’s possible he’s sleeping around behind your back…

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I’m laughing at the idea that “he is completely different now”. Yes, of course. And he will be completely completely different with his next girl, too. Those others meant nothing at all to him; nothing at all.

You’ll be part of that list one of these days.

Guys who sleep with 40+ women don’t change so radically. The list will keep on growing.

Don’t be blind.

Cruiser's avatar

It’s all about quality not quantity! Your BF may have had numerous conquests but it sounds like a majority were drunken ones he may not really remember or put much value into. So it comes down to a couple things here. Is this really the guy for you?? Is he really the kind of man you want to trust and depend on over the long haul? Secondly, now is the time for you to forget about this other old flame and go have your own hot times together!

marinelife's avatar

This is about you not your boyfriend. If things are good and you love him, and you are 100% sure that he has changed, you need to do the work to get over this (or you will drive him away). A therapist could really help you, because this is about your self esteem.

As to how the sex can be better with you, it is the same way for guys as it is for women. It is much better if you are with someone that you care for. Also, sex outside and in unusual places can be hot, but it can also be very uncomfortable. What you need to focus on is not what he did in the past, but what sex is like between the two of you. Do inventive things. Work on keeping it hot between you. Guys do not fantasize about the sex they had in the past.

As to the girl who bullied you in college. You need to let that go. It is over. She is out of your life. The fact that she slept with your boyfriend a couple of times does not matter. She never mattered to him, and he never mattered to her. So, why waste your time having it matter to you?

wundayatta's avatar

I agree with @marinelife that this is about you. In particular it is about your insecurity. You are telling yourself this story that you do not compare well with all the lovers your boyfriend had. It sounds like you are afraid he will leave because you aren’t a good enough lover.

If he tells you you are the best, you can believe him. Good loving comes from a close emotional/love connection. The stronger that connection, the better the sex, no matter what you do. Sure a lot of people have had a lot of sex with a lot of people, and they’ve played all kinds of sex games. For people who are not getting connection out of sex, they need to play games. It’s more like a sport or theater for them. Even if you compared better that your bf’s past lovers, you wouldn’t want to compare yourself to them. They’re not in the same league.

Sex addiction, which someone above mentioned, is about using sex as a drug. It gives you a quick high. Most sex addicts don’t have a relationship with people they have sex with. They don’t even understand the role that relationship plays in sex. They are merely using it to quell the pain. Often it is pain of loneliness.

If your bf has an emotional connection with you, and it is satisfying him, there should be no additional need for sex. If he is not strongly connected to you, then there may be a reason for him to go outside to look for a way to feel good. I don’t mean physically good. I mean existentially good. It won’t work, but for people in pain, it is often impossible to know what to do.

What I hear in your question is that you do not feel the connection with your bf. Something is missing. Perhaps that something is in you. You may be a little depressed or feeling a lower sense of self-worth. Both these things can make you think you’re not right in the relationship, and they can make you pick fights so as to destroy the relationship.

The mind is a tricky beast, and does all kinds of convoluted things. You may be punishing yourself for whatever bad feelings you have about yourself there might be. Of course, I couldn’t know this since I don’t know anything about you. However it is something I have been going through over the last few years, so I know it is possible.

If you do have some self-esteem problems, then personal or couples therapy might help. At the very least, a few sessions of personal therapy might help you uncover the roots of your insecurities. I hope this works out for you. It would be a shame to sabotage yourself (which is not to say that is what you are doing). Good luck!

BoBo1946's avatar

You have to remember that men are different than the girls….especially, when they are young and dumb! Guys, for some unknown reason, usually mature later than the girls. Give him a chance…forget yesterday!

Thought this was funny that somewhat applies to what I said: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

john65pennington's avatar

Slept with 40 plus women? no wonder you are wondering. are you sure that you are not going to be just another “notch” on his pistol?

legenwaitforitdairy's avatar

@wundayatta and @marinelife. I never thought of it in your way(s). That’s brilliant and you my friends, are brilliant.

The self-esteem problems are strictly attributed to how he was treating me in the beginning (i.e. me finding out that he had kept communication open with all of these women and being extraordinarily, verbally playful…and kind of ignoring me). Don’t ask me why I stayed..but I did. And many times I’m so glad and so thankful. The man was downright awful in the beginning but I know it my heart of hearts (jsut as I know that in the beginning something just “wasn’t right”) that he is amazing.

In regards to the used goods aspect of it. Here’s my take of it. He wanted her. She wouldn’t leave her boyfriend to be with him. So she was his trash. And I was her trash.

ideally, we could be trash together…but when it comes down to it I hate the fact that she didn’t want him…but that he wanted her. I personally feel like (and I know it’s not true based in his assurance to me), but my mind is in hyperdrive, he would want her…if she wanted him

and that’s hard to handle.

janbb's avatar

So it still sounds like a lot of issues within and without you.

deni's avatar

maybe this is harder to understand when you’re the one in the relationship with a guy who’s had 40 partners but here’s how i see it. there are 2 kinds of sex. there is sex that is just sex, literally a penis in a vagina and i’m sure that feels great but the sex you have with someone you are in love with and really passionate about is a whole nother ball game. scratch that. it’s a whole different sport. period. SCAFFOLDING? that had to be hard, anyhow. but anyways, i have also, like you, only had sex with guys that i really care about and am in love with, which is why my number is so low. and i’d like to keep it that way. i don’t want to have sex that has no emotions behind it. my favorite part isn’t some random penis in me, it’s looking at him in the middle of it and feeling this overwhelming sense of love and joy and trust and everything!!!! i’m sure it’s really hard but….try to forget about them. they might as well have been blow up dolls!

Haleth's avatar

It sounds like the boyfriend is exaggerating about his past sexual experiences. What could he possibly get out telling you stuff like this except to inflate his own ego and make you feel insecure? At the very least, he’s tactless and inconsiderate for going into detail. Beyond safety issues, like getting tested for STDs after unprotected sex, why do you think your boyfriend would want to tell you all this stuff?

jazmina88's avatar

The past is over…..take your bf somewhere crazy and do it like monkeys. You will know it’s hotter than anything else!!

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