General Question

rere's avatar

How to feel confidence?

Asked by rere (93points) May 17th, 2010

I don’t feel confident ,I find it difficult to look in people’s eyes and I don’t feel that I am good nor smart nor beautiful.So please tell me how to feel confident?

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16 Answers

Coloma's avatar

Well…first and foremost of all you must change your negative self talk. I can’t express how important it is to watch your thoughts about yourself.

Every time you repeat to yourself what you have said here in your question you are slamming your sub-conscious with negative programming.

EVERYONE has unique and positive traits, and I am sure you are far prettier, smarter and good than you give yourself credit for.

Start looking for the good within yourself, notice whats RIGHT instead of what you perceive as wrong.

Say to yourself dozens of times a day all the good stuff, such as ( hypothetical but you get the point )

“I AM ”........funny, a good writer, a good runner, a good painter, a good singer….

” I AM” loving, kind, friendly, helpful…..

” I HAVE ” a good sense of humor, pretty eyes, nice hair, sexy legs, pretty hands, a great smile…..

WRITE down the good stuff…LOOK at your list, every day, multiple times a day.

Get feedback from your freinds and family…ask them to tell you what good, positive things they see in you!

Every time you have a negative thought or a self doubt and you catch it…say ” CANCEL that thought!

And, last but not least, PRACTICE keeping a high opinion of yourself and fake it till you make it and have spent enough time WORKING your confidence program till you have reprogrammed your negative neuro pathways!

Get started NOW….get out a pen and paper and start writing ” Good stuff about me! ” ;-)


RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Nothing builds confidence better than skateboarding. You must be willing to embrace failure before you can know confidence. Don’t be afraid to fall. Loose that fear, and know confidence.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

@Coloma summed it up quite well. We all have times of low self-confidence. It’s important to focus on what you are good at, and what you do have. If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others it’s impossible to be happy.

Another thing you can do is look back at some achievements you’ve made over the years. Have you won any awards? Gotten special recognition for something? Even if you haven’t won anything official, chances are you’ve improved at something, whether it be drawing, writing, cleaning… anything!

Look in front of the mirror and keep telling yourself, “I am beautiful, I am smart, I am a good person.” If you say it out loud, eventually you’re going to believe it!

marinelife's avatar

Please listen to @Coloma about negative self-talk. You could see a therapist to work on this or get the book Self Parenting, which walks you through slowing down and hearing your negative self talk and changing it.

stardust's avatar

I agree about the negative self talk comments – I know that can be hard to deal with, but I think you can start building up your self-esteem slowly. Do something to treat yourself every day. Tell yourself something nice about yourself every day. Write out a list of your positive traits; pick one thing you like about yourself and build on things from there. We’re all beautiful in some way and we’re all unique.
Go easy on yourself – sometimes we all have to fake it before we make it – sounds cheesy, but it can be helpful. Good luck

perspicacious's avatar

Well be good, get smart, and be as beautiful as you can be. This is all up to you.

anartist's avatar

Go to the place you feel happiest where there are other people, do the thing you most enjoy with other people and then just relax.

Jeruba's avatar

I think confidence comes from three main sources:

1. Your accomplishments. Do something you’re proud of, preferably something difficult that matters to you. This may involve some learning, practice, and time, but it’s a good investment. Everyone can learn to do something well.

2. Overcoming challenges, surviving tough things. Everybody faces obstacles, so it shouldn’t be hard to come up with some. Whatever obstacles you face, you may not be able to surmount all of them, but you can surmount some of them. Working at something, making the effort, getting stronger, doing things you didn’t think you could do, and not giving up—whether it’s acing a test, losing weight, gaining the strength to resist provocation, beating addiction, earning your own money for something you want to do, or whatever—when you begin to feel your own muscles growing, feel yourself getting more capable and more self-sufficient, you gain confidence.

3. Time. Age. Experience. You can’t rush this one; but at the same time, you’re getting there day by day and minute by minute. Aging is one of those things you can depend on.

People’s attitudes toward you, their belief in you and their response to you can give you confidence, but you have to back it up with your performance or it isn’t really your own.

contessa55's avatar

A smart woman once taught me that confidence is doing the same thing enough times scared.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

When you get to the point of being able to laugh at your mistakes, instead of fearing them, then, and only then, will you find confidence.

le_inferno's avatar

Here’s the deal about confidence.

I feel I’m qualified to answer this because I, too, struggled with confidence in my youth. Now, I’m 19 years old and far from being wise and experienced, but I think my confidence has sky-rocketed, and I will explain to you just how that happened.

Like @Jeruba said, I grew up. Experience, particularly independence, solidified my identity and made me feel like a stronger, more capable person. I also put myself out there. When I went to college, I talked to people. I realized that they thought I was pretty cool and not the weird, quiet girl outside their social circle that I was in high school. I didn’t give them time to form that judgment. I was more outgoing and assertive because I was in a new crowd of friends in a new environment, and I could forge my own path.
As much as everyone says you have to feel good about who you are, which is immensely true, I would be lying if I said it didn’t also involve validation from your peers. I always felt good about who I was, but I felt that everyone else just didn’t see it. Probably because they made me self conscious and thus pushed me further away from interacting with them. When I got to college, I started getting attention from males, I felt well liked and respected by my friends… I felt like my perception of my self finally matched up with people around me. It was a good feeling.

So what you should do… I realize you’re many years off from being in college, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start now. Make sure YOU like yourself, first and foremost. You don’t have to be “beautiful” physically. You can work on feeling smarter and good, if that’s what you wish. Form relationships with your teachers, get help, study, read, discover the virtue in hard work. Treat people with respect and don’t be afraid to be friendly to strangers and put yourself out there. Don’t make my mistake of being perpetually self conscious! It’s a killer. People will like you, you just have to give them a chance to see that! Godspeed, dear :D

Jeruba's avatar

Well said, @le_inferno. GA.

lloydbird's avatar

I’m in agreement with @Jeruba on this. Very well said @le_inferno. And all this insight at 19!

Coloma's avatar


I second that comment about all that insight @ only 19.

What a bright young star you are @le_inferno ;-)

le_inferno's avatar

@Jeruba @lloydbird @Coloma
I’m flattered, thanks guys! :)

Jabe73's avatar

You are actually asking the wrong type of question here, what someone has to do is to build their self-esteem up, not their “confidence”.

Finding something you are interested in and getting good at it, even make it your career. Depression and anxiety can cause low self-esteem as well.

Do not allow the media or self-help books to dictate how you should “act” or “behave”. Do not be too dependant on other people for your happiness as well.

It is a human instinct to feel fear, it is all about your own self-esteem about yourself not “confidence” which is faked by so many people to begin with. Confidence is overrated, many people will disagree with me on this but its so true. When you accept yourself for who you are your self esteem will build. Not by holding your breath and trying to show that you are “confident” to other people to try to impress them.

You don’t need to try to impress other people or play their game, just try to do things you are interested in and stop thinking about “confidence”. Leave them be interested in you because you are being yourself not because you are being “confident”.

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