Social Question

janedelila's avatar

My SO stopped having any physical contact with me...

Asked by janedelila (3904points) May 20th, 2010

No sex, no kissing, no handholding. He claims to love me, he just is “so tired. In a lot of pain (back). It’s in your head, honey.” What the hell? I know he isn’t cheating, but seriously I take very good care of myself and go out of my way to please him. So WTF???

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15 Answers

janedelila's avatar

Got me! Well, other than that stupid juvenile BS…

ETpro's avatar

If he’s unwilling to touch you intimately but loves to sneak up behind you and poke you painfully in the sides, I would say it’s time to move on. If it weren’t for the passive-aggressive (oh just kidding) acting out he is doing, he might be suffering from exhaustion or a temporary or even permanent problem with erectile dysfunction that he is embarrassed to admit. But the passive aggression pretty well seals the deal.

le_inferno's avatar

We can’t really answer this. We don’t know what’s going on in his head. How long has this been going on? Maybe he really is fatigued and doesn’t have the energy to be intimate, and the pain is distracting him from doing that, too. Still, it does seem kind of odd. I’d let it play out until he’s feeling better and see if his behavior returns to normal, unless this has been going on for a while already.

Haleth's avatar

Sneaking up on someone and tickling them is a fun and affectionate thing to do if you have enough rapport with each other that teasing is OK. It sounds like he’s interested in a platonic relationship (teasing, trying to lighten the mood), but not in sex. Maybe he just has a low sex drive right now, or maybe he’s losing interest or attraction to you for some reason. People stay in relationships all the time when the sex isn’t there but they’re in it for other reasons. He could be afraid of being single, or value the bond the two of you have even if he isn’t into physical contact.

The only way you can find out is ask him. If you’re confrontational and angry, he probably won’t want to tell you the truth, so ask in a levelheaded way.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

Don’t underestimate the power of pain and fatigue. They can make you lose interest in sexual activity quite easily. There have been periods when my SO and I have very little sexual interaction just because we’re both so tired and stressed from school.

The kissing and handholding thing wouldn’t necessarily fit that, though. Perhaps he’s depressed? Has something major happened between you lately, or something in his life? If he’s preoccupied with a personal problem, he might lose any interest in showing signs of affection. In that case, the juvenile poking and such might be some sort of release?

Unfortunately I don’t think this is something any of us can give you a stright answer to, though.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Why are you concerned about yourself when he’s the one with the back ache?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

What is he doing to try and relieve his pain? If he’s self medicating and/or drinking then that’s enough coupled with pain to spoil energy for sex. I’ve been on both sides of this in dealing with pain, it really does suck and invite speculation.

Merriment's avatar

I read this and your other posted question linked above.

There is a lot of information in the two, apparently, contradictory types of physical contact you describe. My opinion is that he is touching you in the manner you don’t want and withholding the type of touch you do want as some kind of power trip.

If his back was really hurting him to an incapacitating degree he wouldn’t be up to poking, tickling, and tormenting you. He’d be sitting very still. That he can “get it up” to tease you, but not to please you indicates some covert aggression on his part.

It could be that he is “getting even” with you for something or it could just be that being mean to you makes him feel more powerful and in control.

Personally, I’d confront him about his back pain and fatigue only affecting his ability to touch you in ways you do like but not in ways you don’t like.

I’d also ask him what part of “it’s all in your head honey” is meant to solve the issue? Beware of the person who attempts to make you feel NUTZ for feeling the way you do while they offer you no other reasonable explanation for your reasonable confusion.

jazmina88's avatar

I have tons of pain and I cant even think about sex, when he is right there.

Something i cant tell my physical therapist – my neck hurts so bad, I cant give DECENT BLOW JOB. I have lost my superpower…......It has hit me hard.

chels's avatar

Oh my god. I had the same problem with my ex. THE SAME EXACT PROBLEM. Anyways, I’ll give you a little insight.

I was with my ex for a little under 2 years. Our relationship was okay in the beginning but towards the middle something happened. He completely changed. He never wanted to have sex, would never kiss me other than a little peck, it all was really weird. Like you, I went out of my way to do things for him, but would get absolutely nothing in return. I was confused as to why this was happening (especially because I found out he had been watching porn [I’m not against porn AT ALL], which was weird because it was as if he was substituting it for sex.) I was just confused as to why he could watch it yet not have sex with me. I was really insecure, wondering if it was about me, driving myself crazy. I was embarrassed, but finally asked him. He said it was because of stress. I believed it for a while, but after really thinking about it.. It was more like.. “WTF”.

Anyway, we ended up breaking up for different reasons.
During the whole breakup process we had numerous conversations on of which was him bringing up the whole sex thing.
He had told me that he the real reason was that he didn’t think he could properly satisfy me, so he just gave up. It was a personal thing. A problem that he had.

I’ll tell you right now, me moving on was on of the best things that could have happened. I know how shitty it is to have someone annoy you and poke you, but not want to do anything sexual with you. It’s frustrating and causes a lot of issues. My advice is this: First things first. Sit down and really have a conversation about it, tell him it’s bugging you.. If you really think it’s because he’s “in pain” and you’re willing to wait it out with him and see how it goes in the future, then stick with him. If you think it’s just a load of crap and it’s really bothering you, move on. It’s not worth it to worry and be confused and frustrated. Life is short.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Fire him immediately.

downtide's avatar

It probably all hinges on the way you reacted to him when he was poking and tickling you. You said in your other question that you “get mad at him”. Maybe he’s just trying to avoid you losing your temper?

GrumpyGram's avatar

@chels Same thing happened to me. I put up with it for 2 years then moved on. It IS very hurtful and cruel. If they love you and care, they’ll convince you it’s them , not you. But my ex had a GF, I thought it was a faze (dumb me) and suffered mostly in silence due to depression and fear rearing their ugly heads. He was having fun; I was miserable. I left.
These types think they’re so cute and clever but he was heartless. It cost him BIG. And I cannot express how happy I was to have my own place Away from that jerk. Then the fun began….

beautifulbobby193's avatar

These boyfriends sound like real softcocks. I like to have sex multiple times daily if I can, even when in long relationships. If any if you girls need a good seeing to and are in the UK, just send me a PM and I’ll see what I can do.

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