Social Question

Facade's avatar

Have you ever been in love with two people at once?

Asked by Facade (22884points) May 21st, 2010

What happened?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

25 Answers

partyparty's avatar

Yes, my SO and my daughter… oh and my lovely dogs.

GrumpyGram's avatar

@partyparty I think she meant 2 partners?
I’m not sure I’m capable of it, emotionally, so no. But I’m not ruling it out as a possibility. I think it would drive me bonkers!

BoBo1946's avatar

@partyparty loll..you are so bad…

@Facade no, never been that unlucky!

Good question, looking forward to reading the answers!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Yes, I have and I was in a separate relationship with each of them. Six months into the polyamorous arrangement I broke up with one of my partners (for reasons not only pertaining to the open relationship situation and mostly pertaining to certain issues we were having as a couple).

Facade's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir What qualities do you think a group of people has to have in order to sustain a fruitful polyamorous relationship?

GrumpyGram's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir For it to be “fruitful” or agreeable I think the members of the group must be unable or unwilling to become terribly involved with anyone but maintain a certain emotional distance from each partner. I think each member must not desire exclusivity from any one person but be quite willing to Share their affection, if any, with all members. In other words, they should not be willing to care all that much for anyone in particular outside of friendship and/or physical attraction.
That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it !

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Facade They have to be able to communicate what they’re feeling openly and without mind games. They have to have a buy in, in a sense, into the concept of an open relationship – it has to make sense to them and it has to be something they’re willing to journey through.
@GrumpyGram I think you meant your comment to go to @Facade but I will address it a little bit – when I was in a polyamorous arrangement, I loved both of my partners deeply – that’s the only way I know how to love.

Facade's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m almost certain @GrumpyGram‘s post was tongue-in-cheek. But what about the jealousy factor?

partyparty's avatar

@BoBo1946 Who… moi? Totally innocent!! :-)))))

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Facade Oh, I see. I just don’t the user as well. What about the jealousy factor? We have addressed it in that we understand it to be an unhealthy reaction because in an open relationship, they’re not doing anything behind your back or because they don’t love you or because you’re not ‘enough for them’. Obviously you have to believe these things (which I always have with Alex and they believed me).

GrumpyGram's avatar

A lot of people feel they are above feeling jealous. They look at it as a sign of weakness and feel contempt for those who are capable of jealousy. It is a useless emotion for them and they try to banish it from their hearts.
To me, it’s natural and human.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@GrumpyGram While I do think I’m above jealousy, I still feel it and I don’t despise anyone for having it – it is something many of us experience. It’s just whether or not you can address it and move on – that, too, is natural and human.

GrumpyGram's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir How can you be above it but feel it? I thought being above something meant it can’t come near you. If you Do feel it, you’re not above it; you just WISH you were. For instance , if someone says, “I am above stealing” then they don’t do it. They’re above it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@GrumpyGram I am above doing unreasonalbe things because I feel it and I am above thinking it’s my partner’s fault for causing it because I know him and that is never his intention or anyone’s intention if they love me. I should have made that clearer. I am better at understanding that it is a useless emotion, to me, anyway – that it serves no purpose.

GrumpyGram's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir OK: you are above ‘doing unreasonable things’ and you feel it’s a ‘useless emotion’ but you do feel it.
So you Do feel jealousy after all. You just don’t ACT on your jealousy. I get it now.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@GrumpyGram That’s what I said before. I grew up in this Western culture with its notions on monogamy and its need for jealousy just like everyone else. I used to be in relationships where I was constantly jealous and they were jealous of me for no reason. I didn’t want to be that way anymore. I made a conscious decision to not let jealousy affect me – this is not why I’m in an open relationship (that journey was far and more complex) but it helps. And I do want to clarify that it’s not so much jealousy I feel but a slight fear that, yes, that other person might make him happier in some way and that’d mean we’d have to re-evaluate our relationship and there is always the possibility of him finding someone better for him than me – but that possibility is there for everyone, no need in denying it.

GrumpyGram's avatar

Maybe you react to that feeling stronger than most and felt that being in an open relationship would get jealousy out of your life. For me, sharing those we love with others living in the house would make it worse but, if it works for you, great.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@GrumpyGram No, I think my wanting an open relationship had to with having feelings for others while I was with my partner and realizing that those feelings had nothing to do with my love for my ex-husband (who was not okay with this arrangement) and that they didn’t take away from love I can feel for a primary partner. I knew (when I left my ex-husband, for other reasons) that from that point forward I wanted to be with someone who would be open to the idea of an open relationship because that’s what I wanted from that point forward. Luckily, when I met my now husband, he was up for it out of an ideological interest (as he’s never been in one either) and it’s worked out for us.

nikipedia's avatar

@GrumpyGram: It seems from your other comments that you have a lot to offer this community and I am glad you are here. But your intolerance with respect to polyamory and open relationships, on this thread and others, is hurtful and unwelcome. You are entitled to your opinions, but to speak about these relationships with disdain and derision is offensive and I for one wish you’d cool it.

evandad's avatar

Many times

GrumpyGram's avatar

I apologize.
If (and that’s a big If) I have disdain and derision for a subject I just won’t express my views anymore. If simone asks a question about what we think & I feel ambivalent about it I’ll keep my opinion to myself and allow those who are all for it to post.
GL to all.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@GrumpyGram Ahem, Simone isn’t the one that made that comment to you and isn’t the only one on this site in open relationships/interested in polyamory and when and if I ask a question relevant to the topic, you may express your opinions freely but thanks for assuming

stemnyjones's avatar

I thought I was in love with two people at once when I was younger. Now that I have really been in love and know what it really feels like and means, my answer is changed to no. I cannot speak for anyone else because I know that I am very different from most people in many ways but when I love someone, they are my everything and I dedicate my life to them. Calculating my baby daughter into the picture, there isn’t enough room in my heart for two lovers. :)

perspicacious's avatar

No. I am a one man woman. No question.

rere's avatar

yes but I loved one more than the other letys say loved one and liked one

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