Social Question

TheOnlyException's avatar

How do I get past someone I love leaving?

Asked by TheOnlyException (2182points) May 29th, 2010

Especially someone I love who I am not supposed to love, or at least I can’t tell him that I do.

The details are complex but the situation is he is involved with someone else and I am too, but I cannot get him out of my mind and I feel so guilty because who I am with is so wonderful and brilliant and everything I could ever want, but then he comes along and my whole world has been turned upside down and I don’t know what to feel anymore.

At first he was just someone I flirted with a lot, someone who was just easy to be with without any challenges or problems, gave each other an ego boost, but it grew and we got closer, a bit too close but never over the line.
I guess my calling it love is too far, but it is more than infatuation, less than love, so I prefer to call it love.

At the end of the day he is just someone I at the very least always want around in my life, regardless of whether or not we are together. But that can’t happen and he is moving due to his job halfway across the country and I may never see him again. But I can’t stop him leaving, I am just another friend, nothing more.
I always hoped that maybe he thought of me how I thought of him but it was too risky and stupid to find out.

All I want to know is, how can I get past him. How can I spend my time after he has gone NOT wondering what he would have said to me today, how many times he would have smiled at me, how he would have made me laugh, what cologne he would have worn, where he is right then, what he is doing, and if he is thinking about me or if he is happy or sad.

How can I get on with my life? He is gone in about a month and then that is it and I am milking every second I get with him. But our relationship is nothing so much it would stop him leaving and if it were the consequences would be chaotic.
I cannot imagine life without seeing him.
Would I bother even dressing up/putting on make up/looking nice, being in a good mood, or anything if he wasn’t around to see and appreciate it?

That scares me because this is my life we are talking about.
Please dont tell me to talk to him about it because I have decided to let him go and move on, I just need to know how.
I have never EVER lost anyone in anyway before, all my friends and family have always been around, this is the first time anyone I care about has left me. I guess I am blessed and cursed in that way.

Please tell me your own experiences and how you did it, if you ever managed it. Did you just cut off your feelings, or did you enjoy the time you spent together in your head, addicted to nostalgia, appreciating the fact you were fortunate enough to have ever spent that time with him/her?

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7 Answers

janbb's avatar

I think the process of letting go of someone is a lengthy one. It seems to involve periods of longing and sadness intermixed with periods of greater distance. For me, involvement with friends and enjoyable activities helps stop some of the ruminating and sadness so I try to schedule pleasant activities. Ideally, and you will, eventually come to a place where you can enjoy the goodness of the relationship that was and not long for it back. But I think this is a very hard emotional task and it takes time. Be gentle with yourself.

perspicacious's avatar

If you are with someone who is “so wonderful and brilliant and everything I could ever want,” why were you still flirting and asking for trouble? I guess you aren’t committed to your wonderful and brilliant everything you could ever want husband or boyfriend. Since that’s the case, just keep looking around and you’ll find another distraction soon. Maybe you could be honest and separate yourself from husband/boyfriend.

TheOnlyException's avatar

@janbb What you wrote makes sense. I find that when I spend time with my friends, we just laugh until our ribs crack and it is good and crazy and makes me forget everything bad, but that has to end at some point, and I can digress from thoughts of him throughout the day by distracting myself but this proves harder at night in bed.
I really want to get to where I can appreciate our time we spent together and how he has changed my life, and not pine for him, but as you said it will be hard emotionally. It was never going to be easy.
Thank you for your answer.

@perspicacious I know it sounds messed up and wrong. But that is where I am confused. I am (was) HAPPY with who I was/am with.. But what this new man brought was a whole other side of life I had never seen and it made me want more. Everything I had closed off he brought into my life and it seems that as long as he is around he will always make my life so new and exciting everyday.
And now I’ve had a taste of it I dont think I will be able to go back to how it was. But i need to because I might mess everything up otherwise.
I will keep looking around and trying to find myself a distraction. I am considering coming out and being honest with my S.O. because it is not fair on him.
Hopefully he will understand my feelings and that I have not cheated on him, at least not physically and see that I need time for a bit of introspection.

marinelife's avatar

The energy and thought and effort that you have been putting into this relationship is totally cheating on your SO. You are cheating on him. All of that effort belongs to him and to your committed relationship.

You owe it to him to tell him what is going on.

What you did was skim the cream of you and of relationships and share it in a fantasy relationship with this guy.

How do you get over him? Every time you start to think of him imagine him taking a dump. Imagine covered with sweat and stinky. Imagine yourself discussing money issues with him. Imagine him having hot sex with the person he is in a committed relationship with. Imagine him real!

TheOnlyException's avatar

@marinelife imagine him taking a dump
LOL Funnily enough someone else suggested that to me too.. haha
I try to see him as just a normal man doing normal things, maybe even things that would make him unattractive to me, but my judgement remains clouded, it is so hard. Maybe the time spent away from him will help. Out of sight out of mind.

Silhouette's avatar

If you’re smart you won’t try. Love him from a distance, but get on with your life.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

It takes time. Sadness and missing people are a normal part of life, and give yourself permission to do so. It only becomes obsessive when it’s treated as if it’s forbidden or a secret. Recognize that this person was only a small part of your life, and work on creating fullness in the rest of your life. Enjoy your friends and SO.

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