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dazedandconfused's avatar

How do I move on?

Asked by dazedandconfused (545points) June 1st, 2010

My recent ex-boyfriend and I have been through so much together. My freshman year (college) away from home, depression, him losing a job, tight money, long distance, and age difference. We pushed through all of this for about 9 months while I was away, hoping that the petty arguements and out-of-proportion fights were just from the distance and stress of life. Now, two weekends in a row, we couldn’t make it work, and it’s over for good. We still love each other, in spite of everything and all the reasons it shouldn’t work, but I have a lot of growing up to do. I want to be his friend, even if I can’t be ‘with’ him, because I do love him and he has helped me through so much. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how to let us both move on and not hurt each other. With my last long-term ex, I just didn’t love him anymore, but this isn’t the case here. I know it’s kind of a vague question and complicated scenario, but any advice? Similar situations?

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11 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

Long distance immaturity is one ingredient not needed in a relationship. the long distance can be like cancer in some relationships. it will eventually eat away at the love you two have for each other. the distance opens the door to mistrust, cheating and all the unknowns you can imagine. i hate to say this again and again, but if its meant to be with you two, then time will give you the answer. you did not give specifics on what happened between you two, but i sense that cheating had something to do with it. i may be wrong and i apologize, if so. give us more information.

Nine months is a long time to be with one person. its hard for me to understand what happened between you two. tell us more.

dazedandconfused's avatar

Cheating wasn’t a problem as far as I know. He’s 24, I’m 19. I live in Pittsburgh, he lives in Columbus. Basically, I would get mad and jealous over stupid stuff a few months after we were officially dating (although we’d been unofficially dating for about 6 months before that). I contined to get mad over things he coldn’t control like not being able to get time off when I’d visit, wanting to go out with his friends when I was there, and being tired all the time. Dumb, immature things, I know. I just couldn’t stop doing it or getting angry at things that never bothered me before. I’m stuck in school for five more years (pharmacy) so the distance thing wouldn’t just go away, short of him moving (which we’d planned on if we could keep it together, but I wasn’t crazy about). That’s pretty much it. Basically, we overlooked all of it because we loved each other, and now it’s just not enough anymore.

Trillian's avatar

Loving is not enough. That is an unfortunate fact. I can say this having been through the wringer with a man whom I love but cannot be with. And unfortunately, there is no way to quickly “get over it”. I don’t want to bore you with all the hideous details of my turbulence, but there are a few in my earlier questions.
It’s going to be painful for a long time, but letting go is truly your best option here. IMO.
You may want to be his friend, and keep him in your life, but I think that you know as well as I do that seeing him move on, dating other women etc. will be more painful to you and you’ll end up doing and saying things that are counterproductive to friendship and you won’t be able to help yourself. You’ll feel hurt and resentful. You’ll get that sinking feeling in your insides when he acts like he’s interested in someone….
Don’t put yourself through it. Every time you feel like calling him, have a back-up plan ready. Distract yourself somehow. You already know how it’s going to end up.
Focus on yourself for a while. Get through your schooling and find out who you are. Then you can look around for a companion, but you need to be able to fill the empty places for yourself. Looking for someone else to do it for you will always end in your unhappiness.

marinelife's avatar

You probably need to stay apart for awhile. To give feelings a chance to get a little less raw.

You need to focus on you and your life. Don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him.

Perhaps you can form a friendship later.

MissA's avatar

I’m impressed that you acknowledge your immaturity and are willing to own your part of the problems. So much of this IS immaturity and long distance issues. It’s difficult for mature people in love to handle the distance, let alone a relationship like yours.

Time is on your side. Focus on school, school, school. Let him put his life together. While he’s older than you, he’s young and has his own issues of manhood.

It’ll work out. It may not look like what you thought it would. But, it WILL work out. My best.

Idknown's avatar

Great advice by everyone!

You can be his friend. Just not now. If in 6 months you still want to call to see what’s up – you can. In the mean time – just enjoy yourself.

You’re a young woman – you have options, remind yourself of them. And when you feel better about yourself and your situation – you can check up on him. Because you love him, not because you want to get back together.

The greatest relationship advice comes from my ex of 7 years. We still love each other, and I am very happy with her boyfriend. We all get a long. Love and being together is not one and the same, and it’s also not a shame that they are separate. Love is just a connection and care, and that should exist regardless of relationship status.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

It sounds like the relationship has provided you with a good learning experience about relationships, and about yourself. Give yourself time to focus on yourself, and adjust to the new maturity you’ve gained.

MissA's avatar

@Idknown Great answer…nice that you’re living it.

evandad's avatar

How do you not?

perspicacious's avatar

It’s not complicated. Try not to be dazed and confused. He may not want to be friends. Just go on with your life without him in it. If he wants to be friends, he will let you know that.

tedd's avatar

Now that the tables are turned….. I guess I can honestly say, you don’t move on… :(

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