Anybody got any good penis jokes?
I’m just surfing through and I come across Zenele’s question on penis enlargement, and I’m thinking “why are men so attached to their penis?” and it hits me: Let’s make today penis joke day. Got any good ones? (and I am taking donations for my psych care)
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Why can’t a penis be twelve inches?
It would be a foot.
Yeah, I know. Sorry. That’s all I got.
This one is even older than my penis:
Graffito above urinal: “Why are you reading this when the joke is in your hand?”
So is this one:
Spying a pretty woman in a strapless dress, a drunk at a party approaches her from behind, whips it out, and lays it across her bare shoulder. She ignores him and continues talking to her friends.
“Excuse me, miss,” he says, “don’t you know what this is?”
She replies, “It looks like a prick. Only smaller.”
Guy walks into a bar feeling glum.
Bartender says, “I got just the thing to cheer you up” and places a small piano on the bar as well as a little guy in a tuxedo. Promptly, the little guy begins playing the most wonderful tune on the piano.
“That’s amazing!” exclaims the formerly glum patron, “Where’d you get him?!”
“I’d rather not say”, cautions the bartender – but after much pleading from the patron he produces a magic lamp from behind the bar.
“Oh my god! Gimme that!” yells the patron as he snatches the magic lamp from the bartender’s hands.
The bartender protests as the patron rubs the lamp furiously. “I want a million bucks. I want a million bucks”, repeats the patron as he rubs the lamp.
Suddenly, POOF – the bar is overrun by a million ducks who emerge from a cloud of smoke.
“What the hell?!?!?” says the disappointed patron.
“Well…did ya think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?!” yells the exasperated bartender.
Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, “I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1½ hours.”
The second friend says, “That’s nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that.”
The third friend says, ” That’s nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming.”
@cprevite read several and that one just cracked me up….glad you enjoyed!
Who gave me a GQ for this?
Someone with a rather large penis. Large (long) enough to click on GQ. Aren’t you lucky? =)
@jjmah <looking down with my bi-focals>
@Adiron You’re lucky that he didn’t swing a little to the right, otherwise, flag button!
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V.Gina
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can my penis visit you between the Holidays?
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis.”
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, “Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that. We should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”
I wonder why men are so attached to their penises.
Goody! No one told this one yet!
A guy from Michigan and a guy from Texas were always bragging on their respective penis sizes. One day they were out walking on a bridge that ran high above a river when they both had to take a leak. So they whip out their respective penises and got to work peeing off the bridge.
After a moment the guy from Michigan says, “Water’s cold.”
“Yep,” said the Texan. “Deep too.”
(I like the joke that Richard Prior made about his penis slapping him in the chest and waking him up in the morning!)
At Fenway Park they sell two different kinds of hot dogs: Fenway Franks and Barney Franks. Do you know the difference?
The Fenway Frank you stick in your mouth.
The Barney Frank you stick in your ass.
Another version of the genie joke. A man walks into a bar with a very small person sitting on his shoulder. The man orders a beer, and as soon as the bartender sets the beer down, the little guy jumps onto the bar and kicks the beer over. After this happens again the bartender asks the guy what’s going on. The man answers I found a magic lantern and I made the mistake of asking for a twelve inch prick.
A rattlesnake bites Johnny on his John Henry.
“Don’t panic,” says Johnny’s camping pal, “My trusty medical manual’ll tell us what to do.” (The manual prescribes cutting an X on the snake bite, then sucking out the venom.) The befuddled pal keeps re-reading the advice to himself.
“What’s it say?” asks Johnny, panicking.
“Says you’re going to die.”
Sweet holy moly here we go.
1> A rather handsome guy walks into a bar with a plain Jane gal. One man at the bar said “barkeep isn’t that so and so the AAA ball pitcher?” The barkeep said “Yup” Man “why is she with him, how did a duck like that end up with such a hunk, she paying him?” Barkeep “No, he actually spends buckets on her” The barkeep sees the puzzled look on the man’s face. Barkeep “Three weeks ago the pitcher came in dropped his pants and put a dozen donuts on his rock hard woody and dared any woman in the bar to remove the donuts with thir lips, that gals on his arm was able to get the deepest donut while the other gals only get to the 5th one”.
2> Life of a vagina; my hair is a mess, they say I am too lippy, my neighbor is an ass, and my best friend is a dick.
3> There once was a man from Nantucket
Who had a dick so long he could suck it.
With a shit eating grin
He wiped cum off his chin
And said “if my ear was a pussy I’d f*** it.”
4> Half dozen roses $80
Vintage bottle of wine $75 dollars
Honeymoon suite $260
Finding out she swallows and takes it up the a** priceless
F*** Mastercard, it pays to Discover!
A penis walks into a singles bar.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great
chest you have.”
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive calves you
have.”
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on
and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of
the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I
saw how short the fuse was!
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