Social Question

empoweredandconfused's avatar

Does my boyfriend really like me, can he change or am I being taken for granted?

Asked by empoweredandconfused (8points) June 9th, 2010

My boyfriend left on a 2 week trip. He called two days after he got there and then called 2 days later and texted me during the weekend saying he missed me. However, it had already been 5 days since Ive spoken to him and I did not feel that the text was sufficient. We have only been together for 4 months and cannot understand why he couldnt just pick up the phone to call. He also had no explanation for it but said that he misses me and talks about me to his friends. I dont understand the logic behind this behavior. I exploded on him explaining that he was selfish and inconsiderate. Am I being taking for granted?

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22 Answers

robmandu's avatar

“Exploded on him”? And then you wonder why he doesn’t call?

Just tell him you enjoy talking to him more regularly. That it makes you feel good. Make an appointment if that helps so he knows when is a good time to call.

Or, what the hell, why don’t you call him occassionally (not checking up on him, or calling all hours of the night, or bugging him incessantly)?

I can’t figure out the logic of yelling at someone who’s far away because you’re feeling insecure. That’d just push him further.

empoweredandconfused's avatar

Let me reiterate robmandu..we exchanged calls the first week…me calling him every so often just to check up..every couple of days. As a girlfriend, Im entitled to express how I feel with a loved one whether they agree or not. I provided more than enough space and it is my time to be selfish.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Your explosion is the very thing that will drive him away. You really should consider doing something about your insecurities.

He will not feel good about coming home to a mad girlfriend. Do you want him to feel good or bad when he returns to you?

Consider letting him be the way he wants to be. Or are you one of those gals who insists upon turning her man into a lap dog?

Seaofclouds's avatar

Why do you consider him as being selfish and inconsiderate? If you need more communication from him, you have to tell him that in a calm manner. Yelling or “exploding” on someone is not an effective mode of communication. Instead of him being open to talking to you about it, it instantly puts him on the defensive. There is nothing wrong with wanting to talk to your boyfriend more often, it’s just in the way you tell him that.

Have you ever been in a situation where you got caught up in the moment and didn’t realize how much time went by? I imagine that since your boyfriend is on a trip and seeing friends, that this could easily happen.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Makes one wonder why he didn’t take her along with him. I know why I wouldn’t have.

empoweredandconfused's avatar

Seaclouds..I somewhat agree to your response. However, being in a relationship is a two way street and there is a certain degree of responsiblity. Being caught up in the moment is understandable but not thinking of how I might feel at home with no contact does not make me feel any better.

mary84's avatar

You probably need to be more clear to him in your communication with what you want. He probably doesn’t even understand himself what he did wrong; he sent you a text and thought it was sufficient. You need to let him know in explicit terms how you want your communication to be; that a text message isn’t enough, that you want to talk to him on the phone regularly even when he is away etc. If he didn’t call and didn’t have a good answer as to why, he probably didn’t realize it was that important.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@empoweredandconfused Relationships are a two way street, but none of us are mind readers. If you hadn’t previously told your boyfriend that you need more communication from him, he could feel that the text message was enough. You have to communicate your needs and wants in a manner that he will be receptive to. Yelling and “exploding” are rarely received well by the person on the other end.

empoweredandconfused's avatar

He doesnt understand..This is the problem!!!! How can I foresee how he will communicate with me. Its fine if he texted and then followed up with a call several days later but there was no threshold. I had no idea when the next time he was going to reach out. That text seemed more like courtesy than something genuine and then no follow up. Im sorry guys, I just dont believe this can be a progressive way of wanting to form a bond with your girlfriend. Im no his wife of 50 years. He just still desire to talk to me after 4 months

Seaofclouds's avatar

@empoweredandconfused Consider it a learning experience. While in relationships, we learn what we need and want out of a relationship. You don’t know until something happens. Once you learn what is a needed, you have to verbalize that in a way that he will understand.

robmandu's avatar

I believe that yelling at him is not a progressive way of changing his behavior, nor will that help you form a bond with your boyfriend.

Look, I agree with you… to a point. When in a serious relationship, if one person travels, then they should call in regularly.

What we’re trying to say here is that your yelling at him ain’t gonna make that happen. The only change you’ll likely see is that he’ll call you even less and might even precipitate into a breakup.

So, buck up. Apologize to him. And try to calmly tell him what you’re telling us. If you can do that in a mature and rational way… and if he continues to ignore your reasonable and legitimate requests… then you can dump him and call him names.

Until then, you’re just being whiny and kind of a bitch to throw him under the bus behind his back here with us where he can’t make a case to defend himself.

chyna's avatar

Maybe he’s just not that into you? As @robmandu says, yelling at him won’t make him like you any more or want to talk to you more, it will drive him away.

tranquilsea's avatar

I’m really bad at calling people when I am in a new location. Most of my attention is taken up by experiencing the new locale and people. Doesn’t mean I love my family any less. I love it when they call me and we can chat.

I think you are being unduly harsh with your boyfriend. As other people have pointed out, yelling at him on the phone is sure to guarantee that he will call you less as you are conditioning him to expect a high possibility of being reamed out if and when he calls.

Listen to what @robmandu has advised and apologize. You may have a chance to mend what you’ve done but not if you don’t see that you’ve done anything wrong.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

What are the patterns of his calling and texting to his friends and acquaintances? You can gauge from that history where you stand with him.

YARNLADY's avatar

I do not recommend that you try to salvage a relationship where you ask “Can he change?” You will not and cannot change another person. If he isn’t the one you want – keep looking.

wwpil's avatar

Have you considered that possibly he doesn’t have the best signal where he is? That maybe he, like @tranquilsea mentioned, is busy getting acquainted with this new place he’s in? I agree that he should call to let you know how he’s doing. But remember, you said he’s on a trip. So he may be busy enjoying his trip. Have you also considered that he may be waiting for your call, too? I mean, you could call once in a while, since, you know, the phone works both ways. It’s a two week trip, it’s not like he hasn’t communicated the entire two weeks. You probably also freaked him out, turned him off, and pissed him off by exploding at him. You need to learn to have a little something called patience and not try to pit things on him. If you were on vacation and wanted to enjoy yourself, would you be at your phone every waking moment, wanting to call your boyfriend? (well, if you’re a teenage girl, maybe that’s expected). You should apologize.

Also, I agree with @YARNLADY about asking “can he change?”. If you’re even going to ask that, then maybe you don’t need to be in a relationship with him. You can’t ever change someone, and if you’re in a good relationship and love that person for who he is, you wouldn’t want to change that person (unless of course he needs serious help, such as drug addiction, etc). But you can change circumstances. And one thing that needs to change is your apparent insecurity and your temper.

Edit: And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of freaking out over non communication during the summer. Whenever my one of my old boyfriends went to upstate NY, in the freaking mountains, a text that I would send on Monday wouldn’t be received til maybe Thursday (which was proven by the delivery symbol…thanks Verizon). Anywho, getting worked up and worrying and stressing over this and then flipping out is not the way to go, and is not worth it. This is the point where damage control may need to be done with a simple apology. Of course, it may or may not be accepted.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Positive reinforcement works.

mollypop51797's avatar

Instead of worrying about what he’s been doing and what’s supposedly going on in his head, focus on what you’re really thinking and the actions that you can or have done that affect him.

Nullo's avatar

If it helps any, some people just hate phones. I know that I do.

tranquilsea's avatar

@Nullo, good point! I’m not a huge fan of them either. I’d much rather have those people in front of me.

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